Mervyn's Commercial 1992

It was Mervyns!

A Project I Might Be Able To Afford?!

Bind-a-Book

I am hoping the few materials needed are cheap enough that I might be able to do this. I hope. I hope. (That was a total Mervyns commercial moment or was it Kohl's? Open, open, open!)

Ah. What We Want .vs What We Get

Destroyed I Am. Wounded Beyond Repair.

Bukowski.

Christian Death - Gloomy Sunday

)

Truth Hurts

Sinead O'Connor - Gloomy Sunday

Rezso Seress - Hungarian Suicide Song (Original With Lyrics in Description)

Hungarian suicide song-Gloomy Sunday (Sarah McLachlan)

Yes. All but five. Check, check, check...

11, 14, 21, 23 and 29 are a no out of 33. FML.

FUCK THIS SYSTEM

So has anyone else noticed their bank is now charging them for being poor on top of their regular bank fee's? #Altura Credit Union now charges a 'low balance' fee! So the poor are being charged MORE because they are poor. How the hell is this legal? I might add that this is not due to any overdrafts or bouncing of checks or any other kind of negative activity. This is purely based on being broke and being charged a fee for it!!

So now we can't get jobs because we have been unemployed and we are being charged fee's when we have too little money. We get sued for not being able to pay our bills due to a lack of jobs willing to hire us and we lose jobs because we are being sued for our inability to pay our past debt. 

Yes, this is the logic running our country now. A vicious cycle that can not be escaped. 

Ha! Too much of anything becomes a defect.

I Miss When This Was An Option.

The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.

So I have done everything I can think of to climb up and out.
Or even just up a bit, to no avail.
I have asked.
I have begged.
I have offered exchange/trade.
I have tried offering what little money I have had off and on.
I have made pledge/donation pages, plural.
I have tried to connect and network.
I have made this stupid blog.
I have applied for the unattainable as well as the attainable.
I have gone through social services.
I have run through all my available financial aid.
I have sold so much it hurts to even think about it.
I have begged, borrowed and stolen (although only a bit and at the do or die point because of my son, not so much myself, and from someone who owes me.).
I've even posted CL ads for areas in other states.

I have even continued to reach out to others that have continually pushed me away.
It is not true that you get what you give in this life.
It is not true that being positive will fix anything, as I did that ages ago and like everything else, at some point you realize you are working really damn hard and getting no results.
Now I am more of a realist. I see the path I have made and the one I have been forced to take.

I am all out of ideas.
The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.
Suffer and die.
Isn't is amazing how a 100 count box of straight edge blades costs just under $6?
THAT I could afford.

So now I am just counting the days, hours, minutes until I can be free. Well, not really free as I will have to bear the burden of leaving those that mean everything to me, but I will be free'd from this monotony and consistent pain. And the how and why's won't mean anything anymore either and that will be truly welcoming. The depth of the indifference that I am beginning to experience where my own life is concerned is both frightening and a welcome gift. When the fear dissipates I will accept that as my green light. It should not be long. I have to remind myself sometimes that I do have a responsibility to my son first. I am the cause of his displacement, even though it is only through the connections to me and those that used and injured me. Still, I brought them in and by doing that I exposed my kids to these heartless and cruel 'people' although I question how human they possibly could be since there is such a phenomenal lack of empathy or emotion for others. Anyway, fuck it. At least I have control of one single thing; my lifeline/existence.
Hard to believe that a few years ago I would have rather died than ask anyone for help... how quickly things change.

As an afterthought I wanted to add this bit. I have no shortage of inspirational people and such to look upon. It only takes a moment to find something amazing or mind blowing in this world. What kills the soul is how far away and distant it all seems the longer that you lack connection and hope in your personal existence. Eventually, all the beauty and awe in the world just begins to break your heart. At some point you can't ignore all the people ignoring all the amazing things they take for granted.
The more invisible and disposable I become, or aware, the more real and disappointing the world seems to become. It is not the mistakes that disappoint or the failures but the lack of appreciation for having the means to have been able to take the chance in the first place. Every step is a chance and a choice, that is until there are nothing but walls. So be thankful if you can still find an open door or window or even a damn crack to stick your finger through. If you have people actively trying to help you, and people with positive and kind words and a hand to help you up when you fall, no matter how you try to dismiss them, you are damn lucky and I suggest that you might want to start seeing and appreciating those people now, before they get sick of bothering to chase you around.  

Low Income-Disabled etc Housing Help Across The Country Map United States Dept. Of Agriculture

Low Income Housing Help Across the Country Map

Bow Down To This Woman Preachin' Like A Pro!! A. MA. ZING.

I don't know anything about this woman or where she stands on anything else BUT on THIS subject... THIS WOMAN ROCKS! She should be wearing a Wonder Woman crown. WOW.

YOU PREACH IT!!! YOU JUST GO WITH YOUR BAD ASS SELF! <3 Her.
"An IRS contractor named Braulio Castillo hurt his foot playing football in military prep school. He never served in the actual military. Then one day, decades later, he used it to get preferred treatment in government contracts. Rep. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.), who lost both her legs and still could lose her arm from combat injuries, felt that this might just be a touch inappropriate. It gets amazing around 4:30."  Adam Mordecai via Upworthy.com

PREACH. Word of the day.

If I had a soapbox and a mic or megaphone I'd be shaking shit up today. Oh yes. I am in a loud and proud preach it mood today... so maybe don't fuck with me, k?


R and I and B and I used to pass long intricate notes with drawings included. They were way more than 128 characters. I still have them. They are some of the best things from the past that I still have. Good times and good memories of a time long gone. So sad that new generations are missing out on so many great ways of interacting. The human factor is disappearing in communication.
I'd like to see a cultures class based on specific decades. One where the entirety of the course is based on exactly how it was and acted out in the same manner. Even a change in clothing. I'd take an 80's one in a heartbeat. Imagine boomboxes, and cassette tapes, pencils and Trapper Keepers. Hair gel and hand written notes. Reading books and writing with the pencils on lined paper. LOL. Eating deep fried burritos for lunch and a cup of fries while drinking a Big Gulp... sigh.

Riverside and the Homeless Issue Article
~
I believe many don't accept the help because they know that much of it does come down to money and that getting the hopes up of a person whose life is this low and then halting progress based on money or some other new requirement that they can't provide, therefore pushing them back into this dark life is cruel. Most would prefer to just stay where they are rather than falsely getting their hopes up again, just to have them cut back down. The system is not set up for success, but failure.
~
SOME ASSWIPES ATTEMPT TO TWIST MY WORDS:
~
So your basic premise is why try because they are hopeless? My goodness, you are a downer aren't you. Everything seems negative to you.
~
MY REPLIES TO ASSWIPE:
~
What do I have to do with THEIR reasons? I was defending why THEY might be choosing to not accept help offered. SO tell Mr. 'Man'... what the hell do YOU know about being homeless? Enlighten me.
~
And you may want to think twice before twisting peoples words.
~
And if being a realist is negative to you then let me thank you for perpetuating the shit we find this country in today, since fallacy and ego and the twisting of truths and lies seems to be the new way. AND... IF YOU READ WHAT I ORIGINALLY WROTE and have the power of basic comprehension you would realize that I implied this 'idea' or 'reason' based on most homeless have already attempted working the system to better their situation. AND in fact, most people start trying to prevent becoming homeless first, yet find that the red tape and real access is impossible to penetrate. Even the people listed to contact in this story for help are bogus, since I know for a fact that they DO NOT reply to email inquiries asking for information and/or help... BEEN THERE TRIED THAT.
~
I'M STILL WAITING FOR A REPLY...
Still waiting and it's been over a week I believe. I win. 

Emily and the Woods - Handwriting

Emily and The Woods performs Doorstep - Location Music TV

I'd kill for the lyrics. My streaming capabilities are hindering my full engulfment of this amazing song, and it frustrates me!

List of Homeless Resources for California

List of Homeless Resources for California

Walking On Eggshells

I find myself crying randomly lately. A lot.

This is what I always imagined depression to look like, you know, like the commercials.

The thing is, that it happens in moments when I realize how nothing has changed in my life except the scenery.

Moments when I realize that, I continue to tiptoe around rather than walk normally because for so many years everyone had to tread lightly so P could sleep. He was prone to some nasty outbursts when he did not sleep well and I tried very hard to avoid them for the decade and a half we lived under the same roof.

Now I find myself continuing this at my moms. Anything to avoid stirring her or calling attention to myself. I do not want to be inundated with anything else. I get it already. No need to shove more of it down my already choking throat. I empathize, I just don't appreciate the need to cut me with words and implications that rarely have anything to do with anything I am responsible for and more times than not are acts that have been inflicted upon me many times in the past by this person cutting me, for what? Pleasure? Satisfaction? Personal feelings of control or superiority? Loneliness? I am lonely as well, but I am not out there hurting anyone with my pain needlessly. I do not get it. I will never get not relating to the pain of a child I bore or wanting to inflict more of it upon one of them. I would die in a nanosecond to insure my children avoid this kind of pain, or this level of 'life lesson.' The damage is too much to justify any wisdom gained. To add to it is just cruel. I love my mom but she pains me deeply. I wish I could help her but a lifetime has shown me that I could never, ever, do anything to make her feel more whole or just happy. It just can't be done by me for some reason.

I already carry the load for two people every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I already spend my nights and days trapped and agonized over my son and his future; missing my daughter. Missing life, friends, touch, fast food... grocery stores, laughter, a moment of hope and CVS. I really miss CVS. LOL.

Driving with the window down, the music on, a cig and not thinking about being pulled over, or the tires, brakes, or leaking oil and steering fluid or the amount of gas each mile or hill is using. These are things I can only dream about today. These are things so far out of my reach that I have become indifferent to this life. I scare myself now. That is a strange sensation. Fearing me and my indifference. If it were not for that orb within me where my children exist I guarentee I would not be writing this right now. I know this as fact. And again, this scares me.

There is no enjoyment in anything. Everything is tainted by someone else’s need to make others suffer or its tainted with money or dread or pain or anger for the pain and loss, a lot of loss that I try very hard not to dwell on or think about, but then I catch myself tiptoeing around...

OK Universe, You Win.

I give up. Can you just make it fast? Seriously. How long is a person supposed to suffer until there is some fuckin mercy? Just do it already and be done with me, but you touch my kids and my ass will spend eternity getting you back Bitch.
M

Smart Shirt!

Just Call Me Pennywise...

cbsnews.com/news/anderson-cooper-how-i-see-homeless-people-now

cbsnews.com/news/anderson-cooper-how-i-see-homeless-people-now/

“Anytime you stop and talk to somebody and you learn about them, you start to walk in their shoes a little bit and you see things through a different lens,” said Cooper.

This is why people DON'T connect. To do so means to risk seeing and feeling for these people and taking on responsibility, which no one wants these days; even in tiny doses. We have become a society of personal space obsessed people who wear masks, lying to ourselves and everyone around us. We sit back and watch lives fall apart, people die, suffer, act out, scream for help, and we call it entertainment. And if there aren't cameras following the poor souls around we call them degenerates and people sucking the system dry and taking YOUR taxpayer dollars (as if they or their families had never paid a dime to the same damn system before) and we call then criminals and losers, and hopeless, sick, shameful, and we ignore the mental illness often brought on from the stress of struggling or war or disease or any number of perfectly viable reasons except these people were missing what separates them from us. A safety net. Options. Healthcare. Family. Shelter. Food. Money. Security. Medication. Clothing. Hygiene. A vehicle. Dental care to stop the corrosion in their mouths pushing infection through their system and causing them pain. Many for decades. 

No. People already know that these other people have stories. That they have a voice worthy of being heard. They CHOOSE to not connect. Sometimes for ego and sometimes for shame and sometimes because they can't handle not being capable of helping. Of course, if every wealthy celebrity took a few homeless people or families under their wing and helped to set them up to get on their feet for the cost of a few handbags or another car for their collection, we might really see a dent start in the homeless population. I mean why is it that they can make money off the stories of these people but these people can't get a solid base to leave this way of life as well??????????

Noah Levine "Meditation" (+playlist)

“I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.” ― Sylvia Plath

Suicide is not chosen; it happens

when pain exceeds

resources for coping with pain.

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”

― Sylvia Plath

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“Is there no way out of the mind?”

― Sylvia Plath

“Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

“I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.”

― Sylvia Plath

“To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

“I couldn’t see the point of getting up. I had nothing to look forward to.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“I felt wise and cynical as all hell.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defensless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.”

― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Someday You Will Know

Someday, you will make all the wrong choices for all the right reasons.
You will have no idea that you have stepped on a ticking time bomb.
You will only know that you are/were trying to do the right thing.
You are/were trying to be a good person.
You won't know that no one else is/was doing the same.
You won't know yet,
that you are/were surrounded by deceivers
and ones that have not
and will not
take you into consideration
as they make their selfish choices or that
they will eventually use those choices to continually stab you
until you are near nothing
but blood and raw nerve.
You will find yourself battling so many demons alone
that death  seems like a beautiful option.
A calm ending to the chaos.
And you will fight.
You will fight with everything you can muster to not give in
to the warmth of that thought.
And still, people will judge.
People will assume.
People who have no idea what you are living in
will make statements to you
that do not pertain to your circumstances
but to their own limited experience.
And you will try to forgive them for their naivete.
You will try.
They will be relentless in their determination to make you less than though.
To make you at fault even
when the reality is that there is no fault.

This is life.

This is the risk we take to love and to trust and to survive.

There isn't always a clear road to fault and there isn't always a clear road to repair.
And sometimes,
sometimes,
the universe or the gods, or fate
just slam you over
and over
and over again,
and they will continue to judge without ever knowing the reality of living it.

I am glad that most people do not have a clue what living like this is about. Really, it is above and beyond inhumane and honestly, how much damn wisdom is a person suppose to accumulate at once while suffering the entire time as well? I mean at what point do you say I have all the wisdom I can handle for the moment, now please let me rest?
Or let me die.
Just let me be something that is not painful and exhausting and forever broken.
When?

Everything that I have lost recently has been shocking and painful. Life altering as well.
To lose my child though.
There are no words.
And again, as the theme seems to be, I never would have believed it was possible until now.
In two months more shocking losses have come my way then in my entire life.
Things I was not prepared for and things that still make no logical sense at all.
Things I could not have prepared for any better than I was because you can't prepare for the improbable or the unexpected, particularly when you have near nothing in the first place.
And the loss of health, well, no one is ever prepared to find out that another person has stolen that from them.
So, point your fingers.
Lay your blame.
Make your judgements.
But God forbid you ever find yourself crawling along this path.
God forbid you ever find out how truly alone you are and how absolutely false the world around has become.
God forbid you be the shunned one.

I suffer from severe chronic depression
A.D.D.
Chronic pain in my entire body at this point but in my spine for the last 25 years caused by DDD, Arthritis, inflammation and who knows what else at this point.
Anxiety
Female problems for decades
IBS for decades
2 STD's now, neither of which will ever go away and neither of which I was aware I was being exposed to and one of which is THE cause of cervical cancer.
I have two broken bridges in my mouth one on each side on top each being 3 teeth, so 3 useless teeth or spaces on top on each side. An exposed nerve and huge hole in a real tooth on top in back on one side and a missing tooth on the bottom on the other, and countless lost fillings in all my other teeth front included from clenching and grinding my jaw in my sleep. This has been going on for two years and at this point is another chronic source of pain.
The joints in my hands swell and I lose the use of my left thumb now.
I have chronic foot, toe and calf spasms and thigh spasms as well but less often
I recently began having debilitating ovarian pain in BOTH ovaries. It last for days, causes me to have fevers and scares the shit out of me.
I lose my ability to think properly on occasion as well. I assume it is from poor nutrition, infection and stress.
This is just my physical list.

This does not include the loss of food stamps, financial aid, and EDD we have been hit with in the last 5 weeks. That is a lot of financial hits in 5 weeks.
We have no vehicle and have even lost the use of the 8 mile a gallon truck due to a flat tire. A new one is 300.
We live in a rural area without grocery stores or any of the basics of normal life.
We shop at Circle K when we have any money to spend because the only car we can use has no insurance or registration and can only be risked to drive late and in the dark. The town market closes with the sun here and it is insanely expensive anyway.
We can not walk around at all at night due to wild animals and attacks.
And we live at my moms who makes us feel like satans children every chance she gets, even when she masks it in niceties.
We are fully aware we are not wanted.

So,
if you can read this list
and imagine even half of it as your life,
and you can still look me in the eye
and judge me
then you better just hope
you don't find yourself really here someday.
But guess what?
I never would have imagined myself here either 
and look at me now. 
Just take a cold hard look. 
There but for the grace of God.... 

Peace.

Black Tide - Fight til the bitter end Lyrics

Where Did She Go?

I have been pondering the space between myself and my daughter a lot lately. Her lack of concern or interest has really cut me deeply. I am ridiculously thrilled that her life is going so well, but I don't know who she is anymore. She is a stranger to me. I only know of the things involving her life anymore because of Facebook posts. She doesn't even bother to tell me when things are going on. It hurts like the deepest cuts that don't heal. She offers no help, and seems to have forgotten that I have never not been there for her. That I gave her everything I could, emotionally, physically and materially and she used to appreciate that. She is becoming her father. Disconnected from anything not in her immediate view, even me and her brother.
What I fear is that she has forgotten that the good things often don't last. That at any moment her own life can go spiraling out of control, like my own has, and then what? Will I be expected to be there? What if I am not? What if I don't make it through all this? Will she do as her father did and use drink and yelling as a coping mechanism? I did not bring her up that way. I did not bring her up the way she is today. She breaks my heart with every plea she ignores. With every act that mimics that of the sheep and the weak and the masked. Is she losing her individualism? Is she clinging to that which she knows is the path of most comfort? Should I want her to do that? Should I prefer her to be less human to have more things? It's a crappy thing to be forced to analyze. As a parent I want her to have it all, within reason, but not if it means becoming another sheep in the herd and another person who ignores the ills and wrongs of this world and it's people.
I would die for her in an instant. That is a fact. That will never change, but does that matter to her anymore? Do I matter to her anymore? Does her brother? Are we just void or annoyances to be pushed aside for boys and school and work? Did I not give her the opportunities and sense of self to be both empathetic and successful? Where did I fail? Or, was her fathers life that impressive that the 20 years before that just means nothing to her today? Her friends from school have shown me more compassion than she has of late. Her friends have sent us money, have shared their love and she just ceases to be unless she needs information from me or a favor. And no, I have not asked her for help. I should never have to ask her for the obvious. Ever. If the fact that we are without food does not affect her then I suppose it is all lost. And that is the hardest blow of all. The reality of the situation. The hard cold fact. She doesn't care. I have lost her to the world and it's masks and witticisms. Buck it up and smile and everything will be peachy, right? Well I can tell you this, that is bullshit in some cases. That is crap spewed by those that fear how my reality could be theirs at any moment and they just might not have the balls to survive it. I am feared because I am marked by the hard cold reality of what could be you. All it takes is one moment, one bad choice, one other persons selfish desire and it all can suddenly equate to crawling in the rubble of what was once a life...  

Works for Me!

What Career Should You Actually Have?

1. 
   

2. What Career Are YOU Best Suited For? I got: Professor
   

   You are a thinker, in constant search of knowledge and answers to life’s most illusive questions. You love to analyze everything, testing out theories and pushing mental boundaries. Basically you’re an Einstein, but then again you probably already knew that.

3. 
   

Productivity OR Fighting the Curse 'Till I Can't Fight No Moe'

Yesterday I was productive. It felt good, but not fulfilling. Fulfilling comes from completion, and nothing seems to ever be completed anymore. There is a constant floating in the void waiting for the next hit and trying to predetermine where and how it is going to affect me and my sons life. It seems to be on a fuck and fucked and fucked even harder roll these days.
He was denied his unemployment, but not for any of the obvious reasons. That there is where the curse shows its mark. Every bad thing we have experienced in the past 3 months has had a VERY CLEAR mark of irony to it. A 'how is this possible?' streak is clearly running through our every move. I almost fear writing it out. That is why most of my posts of late have been these got damn picture quotes. I am expressing without actually marking anything myself. I feel tainted and that I have tainted my son as well.

There has been so much resistance coming from the powers that be or the universe or the Gods or if there is anything controlling the chaos that is this life. So much Murphy's Law that I am beginning to see a face to the damn title. Fuuuuck.

So, what has this last week entailed? Short but sweet.

My sons EDD showed as released for his 6 week backup of checks, so all week we waited for them to show up on his EDD card, to no avail. Wednesday in the mail he received three blank receipts for the 6 weeks all with a $0 for each week and yesterday he received his denial letter. Is anyone else seeing how FUCKED UP the order of that process is? They make these poor, and mean starving poor people believe that they are FINALLY getting their EDD funds only to wait for a week and get letters with zero's on them AND THEN after that they get the denial letter. In turn that has to be appealed, which is another 30 days or so. In our case, the reason for denial is so anger inducing, so got damn illogical and such total bullshit and false information from the person who interviewed my son, as I was sitting right next to him while he spoke to her. I could hear her and him. She LIED. Flatout claimed that my son said 'that he refused to make himself available for work.' THIS is what he argued with her about. She kept trying to coerce him into saying that he wouldn't or couldn't work, and he kept telling her, "No! That is NOT what I just said at all!" Is this the new method now. To just throw away those in need who have paid for the service of this money by working in the past? To lie. Seriously, to just flat out alter facts? Anyway, the appeal is in the damn mail.

We had three vehicles up here. Mine, that died the day we got here. My mom's car and my mom's truck that gets 8 miles per gallon and is what we drive when we can scrape together the money for the gas and such. Basically, we drive to the post office and Circle-K and that completes our life for now. Anyway, the truck is raised... like HIGH raised, which is why the gas mileage is so bad but I digress... anyway, it has a flat. A flat on a raised truck is a truly sad sight to see. It is expensive to fix as well. To the tune of about $300 a tire on a really good day. And to add to the drama, my mothers cars 'check engine light' has decided to come on as well. So 3 vehicles and nothing to drive. AWESOME. OK my moms car can be driven but only in emergencies or if necessary. It is small and a stick and as much as I am a stick chick, my damaged left foot and calf and my spine cannot take the strain of her vehicle. Holding the clutch in with a foot that has lost a muscle and only has partial feeling AND spasms all the time everyday isn't really super safe. LOL.

Oh! And my Financial Aid SAP Appeal was finally accepted, two days too late to a) disburse on time and b) before I was forced to dump half my units due to lack of materials like books and online 'keys' and an evil fucking inhumane instructor. So I won't get anything until mid February and it will be roughly 1/4 of what it should have been as well. Basically, I got FUCKED by the school systems lack of proper procedure. When you add that I lost my food stamps BECAUSE of school as well it is just fucking comical. This is my proof of being cursed or marked or something much bigger fucking with me. You can not write this shit. You can not make this shit up and you can not ignore the sheer magnitude or the improbability of ALL THIS SHIT happening to the the same people/person NONSTOP. Statistically, this is just not probable...

There is more but my brain is momentarily halting.
I guess I will continue in a bit when it starts to move again... fuckinghell.

It's Lonely When You See.

The Mark of Maturity

The real bitch is usually even they don't know why the fuck they suck so badly. It's frustrating to want to understand yet not be able to get answers... particularly when their actions have destroyed lives and scared many. I don't want revenge. I want to know why.

I Am Not Alone! Maybe I'm Not Crazy?

5-reasons-not-to-trust-anyone EVER

...Or (In Other Words) Stop Being an A-Hole!!

Gratitude To Those That Deserve A Shout Out!!

I haven't had much in the way of gratitude lately. It has been a really tough and painful 2 years and the last few months have seriously made me question the point of continuing. Seriously. And although I am still in the middle of this friggin' shitstorm, there have been a few moments of kindness that I really feel the need to express thanks for to a few people. This may seem crass to add but these are the people who helped me financially. Emotionally, the list is much longer and much more intense... You guys are not forgotten!

This is in no particular order as the acts of kindness are all equally beautiful and will forever mark some of my scars with beautiful bits of beauty...

To my daughters high school friend and one of my pseudo children, Sara. I love you. I am so proud of you. You have grown up to be and do amazing things and I know how hard you worked to get where you are. You made a great impression on my daughter as well, and that positive example helped to drive her in the right direction educationally, so again, thank you and I love you!

To Phil, my first love 30 years ago. Thank you for being there and doing what you could to help me get through all this crap. I know you and your lovely wife are struggling as well and your help was unexpected and appreciated beyond words. You have come really far since the troubled young man of our youth and even though you are going through a rebellion of middle age, and maybe gettin' a little crazy, I have faith you will not take the same turns of long ago. Your heart is big and I am thankful for knowing you all these years! You rock the middle age mid-life crisis Kid!! I love you! Give that wife BIG HUGS from me!

Christina. You big dork! Even though you sent me va jay jay shots of your piercing, which were a bit on the WHAT! side, you know I love you Woman! I know you are struggling with your health and that you are fighting like crazy to be the best damn superwoman you can be, and succeeding at it as well! You are inspirational, if not a bit irritating with all your perfect love posts, which let's face it, make anti-love people like me a bit ill, you know we are all hella jealous! I know I am! Thank you for your kindness and words of inspiration. I know I don't always appreciate it because on many days the last thing I want is inspiration shit, in the end I know it is all with love that you are expressing it, so thank you for not ditching this bitch when she can't see through the fog. XOXO

And to my OKC friend, who's name I won't mention here because I don't know you or your situation well enough to want to risk outing you, you know who you are... THANK YOU. Your kind act will stay with the others listed, here in my heart, and mark my soul with gratitude for all my days. And as I said above, even when my expression of gratitude sucks, it is there. I am just not made of the stuff that makes expressing it in the online world very poetic. I'm great in person but online is a real struggle. I am made of the old things of showing through physical expression like smiles and hugs and laughter. I hope you understand that and know how thankful I am for your kindness to me. I wish you all the luck in the world finding your true love as well!

And Mikey. My best friend and brotha from anotha motha... I loves you. And I like my hat!! XOXO

Right The Fuck In The Middle: I'd Say 20/75/5

This makes perfect sense. I have ALWAYS had a creative block. 

I can write and draw but not on demand, at least not well. I have never been able to unlock the door to full creative expression though, but now I can see why. I also understand why I was so attached to D. He was probably 5/45/50. So, he was a person who showed big wise and big creative/emotion and I REALLY wanted to connect with someone who could show me the way to that place. Unfortunately, the emotionally obsessed are also incredibly lazy when it comes to any kind of personal work and growth. They think that if they have taken a step forward that they should get applause and kudos and crap for doing one thing that many others do, and often daily, without anyone even noticing much less showering them with affirmation. You have to learn to maneuver this life without affirmation. In most cases when you get it it will be from a person attempting to manipulate you, so if you can find a way to love yourself enough to know that you do work very hard (and actually do that, not spew bullshit to yourself and others that you do it when you know damn well you do NOTHING to actually grow or change or learn) at being a truly deeply good person, then you really never NEED affirmation bad enough to go crawling around for it. This is why I take such great offense when someone thinks I actually want them to tell me their judgements of my appearance and such. Did I ask you? HELL NO. Did you ever wonder why? Probably not, because that would mean looking beyond YOU and your intention revolving around the situation. I don't ask because I don't care and I don't care because everyone has an opinion much like the assholes analogy. <They all stink.> IF I ask you though, I have gifted you with the knowledge that a) I trust you enough to take the risk, and b) your opinion will matter to me. No questioning my motive for asking. No 'chick' games for attention or a reason to start a fight. Just go old plain truth. Shocking. I know. And guess what? So far, not a single solitary man has EVER, not once, seen the fucking beauty in that. They all think it is a game plan. They all accused me of lying, cheating, manipulating, etc. and then they all did exactly what they accused me of. WEAK MOTHERFUCKERS. HOW SAD IS THAT? 

Defining Murphy's Law

Defining Murphy's Law

1. Caps lock on EVERY DAMN TIME

2. Taking Ibuprofen for the kidney pain

3. Eating MORE because you are already bound up and for some reason it's the only thing that works at forcing that shit out... ew.

4. Getting 10x's the anxiety after the anxiety meds wear off. Every. Fucking. Time.

5. Waiting years for health care coverage that can be used somewhere closer than the 60 mile round trip drive to the one place that what you currently had could be used, only to find yourself NOW with coverage you can use anywhere, but now you are car-less and live a 70 mile round trip from the closest medical facility that can administer all the the tests you were suppose to have gotten three months ago... oh and the $25 in gas it would take to get there now is more money than you have for living for 2 people as well. FML.

6. Paying your only credit card bills minimum payment so that you can use that available credit to PayPal your kid enough money to pay HIS minimum credit card payment. Look at me working that $35!

7. Losing my food stamps because my college was shut down for Winter break when the cunt from social services suddenly demanded paperwork from them due BEFORE they would be back and open again 
AND THEN...

8. Getting an email 5 days before classes start stating that I have had my financial aid pulled, immediately, because the college didn't follow their own protocol:
    Taken directly from my colleges Q&A website:
     Does XXschool nameXX warn a student nearing the maximum unit timeframe?
     Students will receive a warning letter once they have completed 60       units for an AA/AS degree and 24 units for an eligible Certificate program
     This does not effect a student’s eligibility to receive financial aid  <<<<<   Uh, NOPE. NEVER GOT THAT LETTER, OR EMAIL, OR WARNING OR ANYTHING MOTHERFUCKER!
9. Not paying a car payment to save some other assholes car from being repo'd and having the repo man show up on MY BIRTHDAY to take my beloved car away...

10. Paying to file bankruptcy and having THE BANKRUPTCY LAWYER file bankruptcy BEFORE filing my paperwork, therefore stealing my money and fucking me hard all at the same god damn time.

11. Not visiting my mother in the rural area she lives in because my car was too unstable to risk it, then driving it up to borrow her truck (@8 miles a gallon) to move and finding upon getting back that my car has literally DIED right where I parked it. 

12. ASKING, no INQUIRING (actual word used) about how best to go about canceling the car insurance I can't afford to pay anymore on the car that does not run now, and having the customer service asswipe CHOOSE FOR ME, to go ahead and cancel it at a cost of one and a half times that actual cost of the insurance premium AND....

13. Two days after the customer service cunt canceled my auto insurance and billed me MORE than the premium without my consent, my moms friend finally showed up to look at my car and with a tiny tweek by replacing a fuse, my car started right the fuck up. Now it is uninsured, 2 years behind in registration, won't pass smog, BUT IT RUNS. And I can't fucking drive it.

14. Getting not one BUT TWO STD's  from men I was horribly loyal to AND having both of them LIFE LONG YOU CAN'T CURE THEM versions. AND...

15. Neither of these STD's is normally life threatening as almost EVERYONE will get both and one of them is guaranteed to be in a minimum of 80% of the population but most of those peoples bodies will fight it easily and it doesn't do any real damage, but I got to be the rare small percentage, that was not only already at high risk but whose body did not fight it and who had no idea she was exposed to it because 13 years of being faithful meant thinking the other person was being faithful as well... STUPID FUCKING DUMB ASS CUNT that I was. He wasn't and I didn't know I was being devoured by some nasty ass STD. I thought I was just having more chick problems since I had been plagued with them for so long. But no. No. Now I have been carrying the threat of cervical cancer, let me repeat that because ALL CERVICAL CANCER is caused by this awesome STD, and I can't get to the places I need to go to get the labs and tests and shit done because of #'s 5 and 12. IT IS AWESOME. Yeah, I am pretty     sure that putting on a fucking happy face and thinking positive is REALLY going to alter the fucking waste of a life I am finding myself amidst of.... Most likely I will however, find myself in prison for cutting the next bitch who tells me to "smile, it'll get better" FUCK YOU. I only hope that when I blow it I am in front of the ex, whose level on condescending bullshit has truly tested my INSANE level of patience and kindness to remarkable and unmeasurable levels. 
I can't imagine taking anyones life except to save someone elses, but I can imagine looking into that god damn face of his and hearing those mother fucking words, yet again, AND FUCKING LOSING TIME. GOING BLACK. The last time he did it I literally had to grab something solid to remind myself that I am worth more than life in prison for killing this fucking lying asshole who has the balls to look me in the eye and say this shit but didn't have the balls to leave before DESTROYING my life and my health. People like that should be put away. Seriously. He took my health and he purposely put it at risk. Why should he not pay for possibly killing me? Why?

There is so much more but now I am just so angry at myself for being me and being faithful and being a person with empathy and love that I have to disconnect. I have to calm down, plus my teeth are on fire...
More to come though. Murphy and I have been knocking horns for many decades...

My Truth

A Look Back At "Today I Choose." Why? Because I Was SPOT ON BITCHES. Right Back to Disfunction He Went. My Intuition Will Kick Your Ass.

(D, enjoy riding the same train yet AGAIN. What was the definition of insanity? You, in a nutshell. Fool.)
... to say FUCK YOU if you think you can disrespect me but expect respect. Fuck you if you think you can expect anything from me that you can't or won't give back. Fuck you for choosing to devalue me, while I try to show you your value. Fuck you. Go back to your dysfunctional, fucked up, bullshit of a relationship with your co-dependent ex who doesn't value YOU enough to make a choice and stick to it. You deserve one another, as it is obvious that this is what you desire. You can't lie your way into peace of mind, healthy relationships, wellness, or anything good. Your conscience will always know the truth, like my gut always knows something is not right. You can ignore anything that is 'too much to deal with right now,' as much as you want but you will never be in a better place to DEAL with it as you are now, so it makes no sense to choose to ignore everything. In fact you are setting yourself up to fail, and you know you are doing it too. You are far too intelligent to not realize this. How sad that is. How disappointing. I thought you were special, better, kinder, more aware, but you are as weak as the others and as disappointing as well. More so. You have the ability, they didn't. You are making a choice. I suppose I am thankful that I know now rather than 13 years later or after you have destroyed me even more with your simple and sad ways of dealing with life. I love you my friend, but I am choosing to say fuck you.

10/11/13 I'm going to add something to this: I may not have traveled to the ends of the earth, fucked 100's of nameless people, excelled at everything I have attempted to do, or lived in a completely selfish manner, BUT I have born two amazing human beings, spent 26 years selflessly making every choice with them in mind, brought up my mother rather than her bringing up me, spent 3 years living on the streets of Orange County... THREE YEARS, devoted myself to my mates as well as my children, overcome living in 24/7 pain, countless surgeries, almost a decade of no health insurance, physical, mental and sexual abuse, riches, poorness, uneducated and educated, working full-time AND being a parent alone to two small children, 4 years of in home assembly work so tedious that I developed arthritis in my hands, and doing this anyway so I could be home when the special needs teacher came to my home to teach my son so he could graduate on time, which he did because he is fucking smart but lacks social skills and empathy but not much else and a plethora of other life struggles and events and guess what? I DID IT ALL WITHOUT ALCOHOL, WITHOUT DRUGS, WITHOUT PROPER PAIN MEDICATION. So tell me this, who is really the stronger person? Who has really earned the exhaustion currently being felt? Who has been aware through it all and actually learned the lesson life is teaching? Who deserves a little respect and affirmation? Who deserves to be with a person that does not use double standards? Think about that for awhile. Think HARD. The totality of ME is not who I am right now but who I have been and who I will become again, with rest and maybe just one single person in my life who treats me as I deserve. Just one. Although I am beginning to believe I will never find a single person who see's me for who I am, I plan on continuing to search, or die trying. So good luck to you and to me as well. You are not the only person with gold. I am gold too, you just can't seem to see the glint of it in all the muck of the current mess I have been wading through. We both lose. No winners here. How disappointing it has all turned out. Maybe not all, true to form yet another mate has achieved the unreachable while having me in their life, and once again I am swept to the gutter when I am no longer needed or can meet the expectations of the other, because how dare 'I' be human as well. How dare 'I' have dreams or expectations or standards for myself. How dare 'I' be exhausted, overwhelmed, lonely, or in need of support. Yes, How dare I. Who do I think I am? I'm such a crazy female. I'm just another crazy bitch, right? Just another pathetic negative chick that has nothing in her past to prove otherwise, right? RIGHT? And that is why this is over. Sheep trying to force me into their herd. Sheep in disguise. A disguise so well worn that even they can't see their own costume anymore. What a waste. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE GOD DAMN IT.

Sometimes Broken.

ALWAYS!

Definately.

ART.

Riverside County 211 DPSS Flyer. Totally Worthless.

On my circular search for some form of preventive help from starving to death and being homeless I came across the Riverside County 211 DPSS Flyer. Totally worthless waste of internet space. The web address on the flyer http://dpss.co.riverside.ca.us/files/pdf/211flyer-cc1.pdf takes you here: http://211riversidecounty.org/  

Now after hours of searching pages and roughly 23 tabs open arriving at this page really pissed me off. Being me, I decided to leave a comment since this is all the page seemed to have any functionality to do.

Here is my 'comment':

Well, now that we know you are capable of putting together enough code to create a basic webpage, maybe you can add something to it that actually HELPS those of us in need and searching for options? Seriously. Why is this listed on the http://dpss.co.riverside.ca.us/files/pdf/211flyer-cc1.pdf  if it is nothing more than a starter project page with zero information? Where is this illusive 'extensive database' of resources?

Why is it so damn hard to find resources to KEEP from becoming homeless? Why is there little to nothing for those of us that are middle aged or childless. Where are the resources for those of us who did our duties and brought our children up and now we are faced with no employment options because we stayed home and did the right thing? Why do I lose my only form of aid because I am going to school rather than sitting on my butt watching tv and collecting aid? Why should I be forced to attempt to go to school full-time AND be required to work at least 20 hours a week to get food stamps? Why is it that if I quit school and stayed on my butt doing NOTHING to possibly better my future I am totally qualified for aid? Why is that if I was physically capable of having more kids I could have full coverage of food, cash, medical and school aid but since I can't pop anymore kids out I am not worthy of anything including food?

What the hell is wrong with this nation? When did we stop supporting growth and start supporting excessive childbearing for the exchange of proper living conditions, health care and aid? Why are we creating huge numbers of illegitimate children with missing parents who are not helping to support them AND saying that this the only way a person is equatable as worthy of aid? And when the hell did the addicted become MORE worthy of help than those of us who stayed away from the crutches? Why is there not prevention services but masses of aid for people already broken? Where is the logic in not creating a system made to PREVENT the addictions, the homelessness, the excessive childbearing, the mental illness and the hunger????? Most of these issues are problems because there WAS NO HELP BEFORE when the needy were still functional. It sickens me that I must become an addict or be committed, or live on the street for X amount of time to get help. It's sick and sadistic that THIS is our system.

So yay to you, whoever you are, that created this pointless page. I suppose it does have a function. I got to spew my anger on it on my quest to not starve and be homeless in the very near future.

A lot of good it's going to do me though....

After submitting it became obvious that whoever is doing the coding for 211 Riverside County's page is not only lacking in creativity but actual talent/knowledge. 

So I left another comment:

Ha! Your code sucks. You didn't even create submission availability on the page! See? This is why school is good. This is why it is crap that I am not worthy of aid because I want to better my future. YOU have a job and I don't but I know how to code a proper page and obviously you don't... congrats on falling through the right crack to get a paycheck. 

The point is that it is possible these comments will be seen by someone, somewhere if they are recorded anywhere within the webpage. 

The real kicker though was when I went to connectriverside.org and THAT page was all screwed up as well. WHO HIRES THESE PEOPLE? If you click on any of the social network icons it just opens the same page in a new tab. The information is poorly laid out and the only way to get decent access to all the information is to click the teeny tiny 'sitemap' link at the very bottom of the page. This brings up a nice long list of all the information supposedly available on the site. Sadly, most of the links route to empty pages. 

It is infuriating to be near starving and homeless and a) not be able to find adequate resources for yourself and b) see how many lacking people are out there bringing in a decent paycheck for pathetic work... 

SIGH............

Stay Drunk

ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH? I SCORED 33%.

I scored 33% in the @channel4 psychopathic traits test. How psychopathic are you? Take the test
You are warm and empathic with a heightened awareness of social responsibility and a strong sense of conscience. You like to carefully weigh up the pros and cons of a situation before you act and are generally averse to taking risks. You are very much a ‘people person’ and dislike conflict. ‘Do unto others…’ are your watchwords. But, although you avoid hurting others, those residing at the higher end of the psychopathic spectrum might not be as considerate, so stay vigilant to avoid being hurt unnecessarily.   <<<<< TOTALLY ME. LOL! SCORE!


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Yes.