Friday, January 31, 2014

Where Did She Go?

I have been pondering the space between myself and my daughter a lot lately. Her lack of concern or interest has really cut me deeply. I am ridiculously thrilled that her life is going so well, but I don't know who she is anymore. She is a stranger to me. I only know of the things involving her life anymore because of Facebook posts. She doesn't even bother to tell me when things are going on. It hurts like the deepest cuts that don't heal. She offers no help, and seems to have forgotten that I have never not been there for her. That I gave her everything I could, emotionally, physically and materially and she used to appreciate that. She is becoming her father. Disconnected from anything not in her immediate view, even me and her brother.
What I fear is that she has forgotten that the good things often don't last. That at any moment her own life can go spiraling out of control, like my own has, and then what? Will I be expected to be there? What if I am not? What if I don't make it through all this? Will she do as her father did and use drink and yelling as a coping mechanism? I did not bring her up that way. I did not bring her up the way she is today. She breaks my heart with every plea she ignores. With every act that mimics that of the sheep and the weak and the masked. Is she losing her individualism? Is she clinging to that which she knows is the path of most comfort? Should I want her to do that? Should I prefer her to be less human to have more things? It's a crappy thing to be forced to analyze. As a parent I want her to have it all, within reason, but not if it means becoming another sheep in the herd and another person who ignores the ills and wrongs of this world and it's people.
I would die for her in an instant. That is a fact. That will never change, but does that matter to her anymore? Do I matter to her anymore? Does her brother? Are we just void or annoyances to be pushed aside for boys and school and work? Did I not give her the opportunities and sense of self to be both empathetic and successful? Where did I fail? Or, was her fathers life that impressive that the 20 years before that just means nothing to her today? Her friends from school have shown me more compassion than she has of late. Her friends have sent us money, have shared their love and she just ceases to be unless she needs information from me or a favor. And no, I have not asked her for help. I should never have to ask her for the obvious. Ever. If the fact that we are without food does not affect her then I suppose it is all lost. And that is the hardest blow of all. The reality of the situation. The hard cold fact. She doesn't care. I have lost her to the world and it's masks and witticisms. Buck it up and smile and everything will be peachy, right? Well I can tell you this, that is bullshit in some cases. That is crap spewed by those that fear how my reality could be theirs at any moment and they just might not have the balls to survive it. I am feared because I am marked by the hard cold reality of what could be you. All it takes is one moment, one bad choice, one other persons selfish desire and it all can suddenly equate to crawling in the rubble of what was once a life...  

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