Thursday, January 2, 2014

CAGED

I AM A CAGED ANIMAL AND I AM SO TIRED OF THE INTERNET AS MY ONLY CONNECTION TO THE WORLD, AND AN UNSATISFYING ONE AT THAT.
HOW DOES ONE ESCAPE THE CAGE? I'M WILLING TO GNAW OFF A LIMB IF NEED BE, BUT WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN IN REAL LIFE TERMS?
NO MONEY
NO VEHICLE
NO PHONE
NO FRIENDS IN REAL TIME LIFE
NO INCOME
MY FOOD AID WAS CANCELED DUE TO THE MOVE
I AM 30 MILES IN ANY DIRECTION FROM CIVILIZATION AND DOCTORS
NO RELATIVES EXCEPT THE ONE HERE THAT TRIES AND SUCCEEDS AT KILLING EVERY LITTLE BIT OF DRIVE I MANAGE TO ACCUMULATE... I MEAN WHO NEEDS MORE THAN ALL THIS ADDED TO THE LOAD FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONES NEED FOR CONTROL? PARENTS ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO WANT TO DESTROY THEIR CHILDREN. A PARENTS JOB IS TO BE THE SUPPORT SYSTEM, NOT THE BOMB PROGRAMMED TO DESTROY.

AND WHY DOESN'T ANYONE KNOW WHAT LOVE ACTUALLY IS ANYMORE? WHY IS IT THAT THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOTHING TO GAIN THE MOST AMAZING COMMODITY KNOWN TO MANKIND? LOVE IS WORK. LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. LOVE IS BALANCE AND KINDNESS AND A DESIRE TO SEE ANOTHER GROW AND PROSPER AND FEEL GOOD. IT DOES NOT DESTROY. IF YOU LOVED IN ITS TRUEST SENSE THEN YOU DO NOT GO OUT AND CREATE MORE DESTRUCTION BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS DISAPPOINTED YOU OR FAILED YOU. YOU MAY PITY THEM. YOU MAY FEEL A MILLION HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS BUT YOU DO NOT ACT ON THEM. YOU LEAD BY EXAMPLE. YOU WALK AWAY KNOWING THAT IF THEY EVER GROW THEY WILL KNOW WHAT THEY DID AND LOST, AND YOU CAN FIND SATISFACTION IN THAT ALONE. THIS IS CALLED INTEGRITY. IT IS REALLY ALL WE HAVE THAT WE CAN CONTROL. ITS ALL WE SHOULD WANT OR FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTROLLING AS WELL.

SO NOW WHAT? I HAVE BENT AND TWISTED AND WORN MYSELF INTO A TATTERED SOUL. IM STANDING HERE LOOKING AT THE WALL AROUND ME AND I AM EMPTY. I CAN'T FIND ANYMORE SOLUTIONS OR OPTIONS OR PINHOLES OF LIGHT TO FOCUS ON. I'M JUST HERE TRYING TO CONTROL THE NERVOUS RUMBLE THAT HAS BECOME A DAILY STRUGGLE INTERNALLY. A NON-STOP FIGHT TO WARD OFF ANXIETY AND THE WORDS THAT STREAM THROUGH MY MIND... I'M READY TO GO. I'VE DONE ALL I CAN. I AM TIRED. I AM READY TO GO...   IT WOULD BE NICE FOR THAT TO EQUATE TO MORE THAN THE END THOUGH. IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THAT TO MEAN A BEGINNING, BUT HOW LONG AND HOW ISOLATED DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE SOMETHING POSITIVE HAPPENS? YOU CAN'T MAKE NOTHING FROM NOTHING. EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION BUT NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN HERE. ALONE. NO RESOURCES. NO FRIENDS. NO MATE. NO RELATIVES. THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOME OR ALL OF THESE RESOURCES, ALTHOUGH MANY PISS ON THEM. I'D KILL TO HAVE THE CHOICE TO PISS OR APPRECIATE. STUPID PEOPLE. ALWAYS WASTING ALL THAT LOVE COMING AT THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT HAVE IT THERE TO ABUSE. LUCKY BASTARDS.



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