The Color Oracle. Freaky Accurate and Affirming As Well. Nice to be affirmed.

http://www.astro.com/horoscopes

ME 07/26/2014

Introduction

You have selected the colors that you currently find most pleasing and most unpleasing. Read the interpretive texts for your selections in the following paragraphs. In the case of some colors, you will find an additional question or suggestion which can help you deal with a subject area in more depth.

Keep in mind that your unconscious plays a major role in the selection of the colors. As it is the case when laying tarot cards, it is inadvisable to repeat the color test too often because otherwise, the quality of the interpretation quickly fades. Take in the texts, and let them work on you, even those you may find somewhat uncomfortable or provocative.

The Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss art instructor, therapist and astrologer Johannes Schneider. Astrodienst also has on offer his "Color Horoscope"- the delineation of the birth chart in combination with psychological color interpretation.

Your General Disposition

At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for recognition. You find it important that other people accept and appreciate you and view you as competent. For this reason, you try hard to have everything – including yourself – under control, to know your way around everything and if necessary to take on unpleasant tasks. You believe you have to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of because, at the moment, your sense of self-esteem is fragile.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing

Of great importance to you now is...

...vigorous effort.

You need a task that inspires you and allows you to give your all. If serious demands are made on your abilities or your strengths, you mobilize all your creativity and really stay on the ball in order to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of. If your efforts are acknowledged, you are prepared to do your best. Should someone approach you with unfair demands or, even worse, with outright injustice, however, you resolutely fend them off. At present you are working particularly hard for...

You can ask yourself:

...vigorous self-assertion.

You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigor. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection. You utilize a major portion of your powers for...

You can ask yourself:

...crisis-proof existential survival.

You need the comforting certainty of having a solid base in your life. Stable living conditions, adequate income and sensual pleasure and a certain measure of comfort are among your life goals. You want to be secure against the whims of fate and to be able to devote yourself without distraction to the things that give you satisfaction. For this reason, you resolutely apply yourself to the task of creating a crisis-proof existence, despite any obstacles which might appear. The thing you consider very important for your sense of wellbeing is...

...unwavering stability.

Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from my...

...obtaining sufficient funds.

It is very important to you to have enough money at your disposal so that you can afford whatever you wish to have or do. For this reason, you are currently spending more time thinking about your finances, and you anxiously deliberate on how you could obtain the necessary money. The certainty that you have sufficient funds strengthens your sense of self-worth and helps you to meet other people with confidence. You have unrealistic expectations regarding your...

...optimistic self-encouragement.

Again and again, you consciously adopt a positive inner attitude. This helps you to better stand up under the hardships of the present. You create goals, projects or ideals for yourself that give you a boost and the hope that your life will be better and happier. You search for ways and means which allow you to enjoy life without care and to spend more time devoting yourself to the things that bring you joy.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...gruelling test of nerves.

Your sense of wellbeing is negatively affected by stressful circumstances. You often feel misunderstood, unfairly treated or left at the mercy of the unacceptable behavior of a person who is important to you. You don't want to let on that you are aggravated by this, and you keep your irritation to yourself. Inside you, though, the accumulated resentment strains your nerves. For this reason, you are not very emotionally resilient at this time. You assume an air of exaggerated superiority despite your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...distressing relationship problems.

At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...exhaustingly stressful situation.

The difficulties you are presently forced to deal with sometimes cause you distress and tax your energies. Instead of altering or leaving this situation, you heroically attempt to hold on and to act as if nothing were bothering you. In this way, you overextend yourself and become the victim of your own ambitious need to prove how strong you are. Your momentum has faded considerably due to your...

...burdensome situation of suffering.

You believe people should behave correctly, considerately and kindly towards you so that your interactions run pleasantly and without friction. Since this is frequently not the case, you often become indignant over their incorrect behavior and views or their lack of kindness. You easily get the feeling of being someone's innocent victim and believe you have every right to be outraged. You also suffer quite a bit due to your...

...frustrating situation.

You are in an unpleasant situation that hinders you from doing the things that are in line with your inclinations and needs. You find this all the more frustrating because you basically believe that someone who plays an important role in your life is to be blamed for your unfortunate situation. With this belief, you create a comfortable position for yourself and stand in the way of improving your circumstances. You try in vain not to let yourself be impaired by your...

...painful sense of loneliness.

Your need for loving company and tender physical contact is not being satisfied in the measure you would like. Your hunger for warm-hearted attention drives you to seek contact. Although you hold close association with a few people, when the interaction is over, you often feel lonely and left to your own devices. It saddens you to find so little understanding and responsiveness towards your needs and difficulties.

The Color Oracle

This Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss astrologer and art instructor Johannes Schneider. During several decades of research and practice, he investigated the effect of color on the psyche. He first published his findings on these effects under the name "Color-O-Scope" which included 25 small colored wooden plaques for use in selecting the colors.

The online version available here utilizes the same hues as the original product. The method of color selection is also identical. Since the representation of the colors is dependent on the color fidelity of the display screen in use, slight deviations in color may nonetheless occur, and Astrodienst has no control over this.

Until further notice the Color Oracle will be offered to visitors free of charge. You will also find on this website another horoscope interpretation by the same author which is based on astrology and psychology, the "Color Horoscope" by Johannes Schneider.

Can you feel the heat too?

I wanted to die.

I did not want to die.

I wanted the struggle,

The pain,

The disappointment

And the loneliness

To end

I wanted to believe that it would.

I wanted to have faith that someone decent would acknowledge my pain

And me

And the massive loss that I experienced, and continued to experience

Every moment

Of every second

Of every

Single

Day.

Nevertheless,

No one noticed.

There was no knight in shining armor

Or

Faithful friend.

No one to express any emotion to

Or with.

And certainly

No one offering a hand to hold

Or a path to follow.

There was

Quite frankly

Not much more

Than immense disappointment

At the human race,

At the universe.

Disappointment

At the deities

And all the other powers that might be.

 So I cut.

And I sliced.

And I fought the echo that said,

“Do it.”

“Cut it open”

“Sliced it to shreds.”

“End it.”

“Make it stop.”

“Finally.”

“Do it.”

“DO it.”

“DO IT!”

So I shake

And I rattle

And I roll

And cry like nothing I have ever known.

And I remember my promise

To try

To fight this too

As long as I can.

But

I am always aware

That it is

right

there.

Waiting for me

To accept the inevitable.

To just let go.

To stop fighting.

To stop surviving.

To just

Let

Go.

LET.

GO.

And when it has passed

And has become

Just

A distant buzz

For now

I look up and read

If I am going to be alive,

Then

I might as well

Be incredible…

And that

Makes me laugh

Because I am incredibly sad

Incredibly lonely

Incredibly tired

Of this incredibly

Vacant

“Life”

This incredibly ugly world

Were the true suffer

And the false are awarded

No matter how badly disguised

They continue to collect

The beautiful things

That so many of us

Yearn for

And so many others

Dismiss.

I wanted to die.

I did not want to die.

I wanted the struggle,

The pain,

The disappointment

And the loneliness

To end

I wanted to believe that it would.

On the Rare Better Days...

"Last Hope"- PARAMORE

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive

Alive

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh

Ohhh
Ohhh

Green Tara Mantra

That Ain't Love

Here is an email I received from my mother today. Below it you will find my reply that I have not sent because when you have nowhere to go and nothing else to survive you may as well be in a fucking cell waiting to die. You have no voice. No right to express yourself or even to protect yourself from others attacks. It's truly an ugly way to live...

Michele val has decided that she wants to sue her landlord and wants me to come and talk to her but I not going until tomorrow. I wanted to know who she should contact because I just know whats wrong and illegal but not who to call. Also I don't think she wants to sue that means a lawyer etc in any case . Anyway could u send over that info for me. Also that garbage in the hall was to go in the trash it smells whats wrong with u are u so lazy u cant dump your garbage. I am not doing all this stuff any more and you are going to start cooking in the kitchen if u want to cook. The other frig is getting turned off and I don't want any cooking anywhere but in the kitchen and also I want that vent in your room opened and your window closed when the air is on. If u r cold go outside but I want the window closed and the air vent open. I have been paying almost 100 a month more than last year in electric and last year I used the air all day every day and my bill was 161.00 this month it was 267.00 I have ha a higher bill every month that u guys have been here and its getting worse . I believe all your toaster oven slow cooker coffee pot and the little frig are causing much of it. Also all the different things u have hooked up for your tv I don't have the money to pay anymore of these bills. And if u don't want to go by my rules than find somewhere else to go . I didn't sign on for 2 adults without jobs to move in forever. I can not do this anymore I want my house back and that's the way it has to be. I am sorry and I love u but its been 2 weeks short of 8 months and the 2 of u r here all the time 24/7 never come outside never offer to help me with the yard or anything else to compensate for not paying rent or utilities I don't get any satisfaction out u being here and not doing anything except taking up space in my house. I don't get conversation I don't get anything out of this except that I am being used and I am used up. U should be outside in the fresh air doing something but u re determined to just stay in there. Well not any more . I will sell this house and then what will u do? U better do something fast because I have done way more than I ever had planned on doing. U have no intentions of working and u r ruining camerons life by keeping him stuck here because he cant drive u shold have gotten him a drivers license 10 years ago.U should be working not living off his unemployment and living here. Whats he going to do when u die and he cant drive or get a job. It looks to me as though without him u r fucked and u are fucking him up by doing this to him. I still cant believe u let him quit his job as though I wanted 2 grown adults without any money to move in on me . U are not a stupid person and u both would never have gotten in the door if not for the fact u r my family but that only goes so far and I just don't care anymore about anything except my life which sucks.

And here is the reply that I want so badly to send as I have kept my voice quite almost completely thus far, and it is killing me.

A. I didn't plan on being here past March. I have no control over the horrendous run of bad fucking luck I have encountered while being here. It amazes how lacking and downright cold you are to that fact. Losing my food stamps and my financial aid plus it taking almost 3 months for Camerons unemployment to finally go through really fucked us hard and there was no way to know it beforehand. Thanks for all the understanding. 

 

B. Don't ask me for a favor and then rip me a thousand new holes. It lacks tact.

C. Your electric bills were in the 170's before we arrived and went up $40 after. I have given you every extra penny I have had even though I could have used that for food I still did it. It hasn't been much but it's more than you gave us when you lived with us for a year and 4 months. We don't use the air. It isn't for us, and you don't run it for us. As for the cooking, you are the one who forced me to use that damn kitchen area and YOU set the god damn thing up. And as usual you blame me for it. I am so sick of being your fucking 'at fault' go to person. Ever since grandpa died it seems everything is my fault no matter how insane the issue may be. 

D. I have had the goddamn vent open for a week. And I freeze my ass off most of the time. I know you don't give a fuck but its fact. 

I leave my window open because this room is like a cell or a cage and having it closed makes me want to explode in anxiety. So sorry that it puts you out.

E. Cameron and I have applied for all the job openings out here 2 and 3 times. It isn't our fault that this place is a fucking hell hole of doom. EVERYONE is applying for the jobs here (all three of the places hiring, actually two and one that says they are in the paper but actually are not). And Cameron has been working in yards to pay his bills and I am selling stuff to cover the difference, so stop fucking talking shit about my son. I am sick of it. 

F. And we don't do anything for you because no one but you can do anything right. If I vacuum you revacuum. If I wash the towels you rewash them. NOTHING I DO SATISFIES YOU. NOTHING. If I tell you no I don't want something or need something you do it anyway and them fucking blame me later for YOUR choice to do it. You amaze me. 

G. I don't converse with  you because you have this amazing way of finding a way to jab and make stabs no matter what the topic may be. My life is shit. I don't need you to remind me of it every god damn time I talk to you. And I am perfectly aware that you are struggling but guess what? So are we. I don't bitch at you about it every time I see you, but I listen to you when you go off on me or bitch about Val doing exactly what you do to me. And I say nothing. 

H. Cameron has no unemployment. It ended last month. He doesn't drive because my car is so fucking illegal we can't risk him driving it. And all your talking shit about letting me use the truck to teach him was just that, shit. And in the past it is none of your business as to why he didn't drive. I did not force him to come here. He chose to come. And every god damn minute I regret his choice. Every damn second I want to die for him being here and dealing with shit. EVERY SECOND. And I should add here... WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE? WAS IT YOU? HELL THE FUCK NO. YOU HAD CHECKED THE FUCKED OUT AGAIN BY THAT TIME.  I TAUGHT MYSELF AND THEN BOB'S DAD FINISHED IT OFF. So stop fucking finger pointing like you were some goddamn epic parent. You weren't. I have plenty of other people to back that shit up. Friends AND their parents. None of this would mean anything if you didn't fucking just have to put yourself on that pedestal you alone built. I don't KNOW where you think you were when I was growing up but it sure as shit wasn't where I was...  and I got past almost all of that and you just have to dig it all up again and again. You're sick you know that? You can't appreciate that I let most of that go and still let you in my life. Hell no. You have to fucking drudge it all up and rewrite the story to appease your total fantasy of what life is and was. You and Paul are the two most unhappy people I have ever known in my entire life and you both do that same damn thing. You rewrite what happened to kid yourself into believing you are a victim or the martyr. And where has it gotten you both? Nowhere. You are both still the most unhappy people ever. Well, except for me now. You have managed to take me down too. Maybe I should leave you an award for that? I am sure you have plenty of satisfaction knowing that. It has been your end goal all along anyway. To make me break. To make me miserable. To make me pay for loving you. Bravo!

I. Bob said he would take Cameron when summer ends and his wifes kids leave the house. At that point I will go live in my car or kill myself. The later sounds like the best option and I am planning it now. So that should help you to feel better. You will never have to see nor hear from me again. It can be as if I never existed. You should like that. I just wonder who you will blame when I am gone. 

J. I just want to thank you for all your heartfelt support and how much you have had my back through all the shit Paul put me through and all the shit that came later as well. It has been truly lovely to have so much support and care. If only that was true. If only you just once felt what I have gone through and lost and have been forced to bow down to. Particularly the year and half I took so much degrading shit to avoid ending up here. I knew it would be bad, but you have shown me a new level of heartlessness and hypocrisy. God. I would kill to have a paid off home and a check coming in every month and a car to drive and all the choices you have. Sadly, all you see is the mess you make and have always made and never how you choose and create it all. I spent my entire life trying to do the right thing. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I never partied, ever. I have never once been in trouble. I was a fucking ace child. I have been a hands on parent since I was 21 years old. I have brought up two amazing kids that I could never ever express my pride in. I have gone back to school in my 40's and been an honor roll student for 3 out of my 4 years. And still I ended up just like you. Alone. Angry and doomed. You have no fucking idea how it feels to know that I have barely lived and I am already at the end of it all. At least you got to party most of your life and be selfish by making choices you wanted rather than what was best for your child. Beyond being a parent my entire life has been for nothing. And you have quite successfully reminded of this every single chance you have gotten. Thanks for that. 

K. And if we had a way to leave right this second we would go. Period. If we had a vehicle Cameron would have a job in Temecula, but we don't. We can barely get food and you don't give a fuck about that either. You know, I know a lot and I mean A LOT of parents whose kids are living with them. Most of them pay for their kids food, clean up after them, do their laundry, watch their kids, pay their bills and their kids use their stuff, steal from them and bring people into their homes. You have no idea how fucking decent you have it even if it isn't a great situation. I don't eat your food, leave messes in your kitchen, use your living room, bring people over, steal from you or even borrow money from you. I help when I can and I do what you allow me to do, even when I know you will remind how I am doing it wrong. I am horrified by the way you villainize me. Just fucking horrified. Pam was horrified by the things you were screaming at her about me. I am horrified by the things you tell Joanne. Telling her you are going to sell the house to get away from us as if we want to be here. As if I don't spend every second trying to figure out how the fuck to get away from here. As if I chose to be stuck here past March. As if I knew I would end up in the fucking hole of hell. I had no idea. NONE. I had no plan nor desire to be here past march, actually no desire to be here at all but I was stuck. Period. And we did it for you when you were stuck. I wasn't happy about it but we did it for you. And I took shit all the way around the entire time. From Paul, the kids the neighbors and the goddamn city. I have piles of notices from the city from when you were with us. Did I abuse you for it? No. Did we kick you out for it? No. Did it help to really fucking begin to destroy my relationship that was already on shaky ground. Yes, it did. You will never ever know how much shit I took for you. How much shit I have taken most of my life. You don't care and you never will. You never have truly grasped love. Your idea of love is so fucking warped it is amazing that you have survived this long. You love money and you love having someone to blame. That isn't love. You are a narcissist. Classic, textbook. 

L. And if you are so fucked why the hell do you buy wigs and $100 phones? Why the fuck do you feel the need to tell me these things? I don't want to know. It just makes all your blaming on me even more infuriating. And btw, I am sure the people that had to take over the parenting of me because you were too busy with your fucked up men to bother would have plenty to say to you as well. So bitching at me about the kind of parent I have been is just fucking rich. Seriously. It amazes me that you think you are above everyone else when you have been far less many many times in life. I can't figure out how I can still love you. I struggle with that. It makes no sense. You hate me. You talk down to me and you make it your lot in life to make sure I know it yet I have love for you. Of course, there it is. There. It. Is. The way I ended up here in this shit life situation. Having love for those that didn't love me back. Caring for those that only cared about their own needs and desire with no care about how those things would destroy me. There is definitely a pattern in my life and it all starts with you and it all ends with you. It's quite fitting that I will most likely die in this room trying to escape the inescapable. God I hope in death I am not forced to relive any of this. I have had lifetimes of it. People won't even come near me anymore. I am plagued by everything they fear. Everything they try not to see. Everything they know could happen to them. It's really horrible. To have no love from parents, no siblings or relatives that love me and only my two kids who I can't even enjoy time with anymore. People I adore that I will be leaving in this cold fucked up world just to get away from you and your never ending need to remind me of my uselessness and failures. Maybe someday you will take a good hard look at your own and realize there is, was, and always will be, more than just you in this world. And love and friendships are based on a mutual respect and consideration of one anothers needs given with love not given to build an damn arsonal for later use as a weapon. You have always been really excellent at that. Ask any of the people who have known you. You are quite the storage unit of 'you owe me's' and 'I deserves'. No one owes you anything. No one owes me anything. That doesn't mean it isn't decent and kind and loving to give something anyway. If you actually care then you extend when you can and you only ask when you need and take when it is truly needed and so forth. And you don't fucking hold it over everyones head. 

So, I will be gone as soon as Cameron leaves for Bobs. Late August I hope. I wish with every fiber in my being it was sooner. I am ready to go. I struggle to stay, but I stay for him and for Ryann. When he is gone I will be too. If I get my hands on money that I don't need to eat or pay Camerons bills I will give it to you but I have nothing and I have had nothing for months. I have sold my own things to pay for Camerons phone this month. I will sell more to eat and pay for gas to get to food. If there is anything left its yours. I won't need anything once he is gone. Hopefully I will have gotten rid of all the shit I have left except for what I am leaving for Cameron and Ryann. So I actually am doing something but doing something up here is like being on a fucking hamster wheel. You go go go and you get fucking nowhere. 

If that isn't enough for you then oh well. I can only do what I can do, and that isn't much these days... hold on. I will only be here 8 weeks or so more and then you are free...

Just... Be You.

“ You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

Just Maybe...

Keep Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

WTF Has Happened To Family?

My son has 9 aunts and uncles. NINE. How is it even possible that we can't find one person to extend a hand to us or just him? His father is dead and I have been fully responsible for him for 26 years. No child support. No weekends off. Nothing, and I wouldn't change that, but right now I need to get my son a place away from here and not a single person has extended a hand. Not for me and not for him. Now, that is not to say that a few amazing people have not sent a bit of money so we didn't starve back in January/February, but that has been it. Unfortunately, we need more help than that.
Now here is the real bitch. If I don't get him out of here then he will be the person who finds my dead body. I have considered committing myself, but I can't leave him here to starve with my mother and her insanity. He can't even drive. I can only hold on so long. I have no real desire to die but I must get away from the poison because the poison makes my mind say, "Do it. End it. Do it now or keep suffering." I'm not sure how many people truly understand the emotional and verbal abuse of a parent, particularly the mother. It is nothing like the abuse of any other person. A parent hits every single weak spot a child has. After all, they were the ones who created those holes in their childs soul in the first place. And in my case, I have not done anything to create this illogical animosity towards me. I was a pretty damn great child and teen. I never was in trouble for my own actions, although all through school I was truant due to my inability to get to school based on my parents drug abuse and fighting and tearing out the wiring on the car to avoid escape and such. I didn't do drugs, get pregnant, drink (although I tried but it wasn't for me), steal, etc. I continue to be that same person. In the 6 months we have been here I have not borrowed a penny, stolen, eaten her food, brought a single guest over, used any other part of her house except the kitchen possibly 10 times and one load of laundry a week. Two if it was longer between loads. I have given here every extra dime I have had, which granted hasn't been much but for us it has been loads. She spent a year and a half living with us, running our utilities up, causing horrible relationship strife, neighbor feuds that led to weekly visits from the county housing and codes guy, and on and on and yet she thinks she owes me nothing and that the disaster of my life these past two years was somehow created to hurt HER. To make HER suffer. To ruin HER life. WTF?
She hasn't acknowledged my pain or loss in any way whatsoever. I lost EVERYTHING. Emotionally, materialistically, dignity, physically I have suffered more than she could imagine, yet it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
So this went a bit off topic, which was getting my son somewhere safe and comfortable so I can go try to save my life, but it helps to clarify why I am in this state of mind. So there ya go...
Anyway, 9 aunts and uncles. NINE. 

No Child.

No child should have to bleed to survive a parents need to control.
No parent should turn a blind eye and let their own child die, for control.
And, although a child has given everything they can, forgiven the unforgivable and continued to do for that parent what they could, no parent should conveniently forget those acts and sacrifices. Not for control. Not for attention. Not for power or sympathy.
A parent such as this should thank the gods that their child continues to care for them, because when that child has bleed all that they can and have succumed to all the abuse and disrespect, who will that parent turn to? Who will they have left to abuse and destroy to appease their sick needs? Who will they manipulate? And will be left to love them?
No one.

So fuck you.

That One Color

Depression is like trying to not see a color while locked in a room where everything is painted that particular tone. Even when you close your eyes... the color bleeds through. There is no escape. No matter how many other pigments you remind yourself exist, no matter how many people describe all the other hues, all you can see anymore it THAT ONE COLOR.

All I see around me is this glow. When I close my eyes, it seeps its way in. When I am reminded of the rainbow I can not grasp the image long enough for it to take. To imbed itself in me again. And when it goes, everything becomes an even more intense version of THIS ONE COLOR.

Angus and Julia Stone - For You

FOR MY BABIES.

The Indigo Evolution Full Length Documentary Indigo children

Being a Female In a Desperate Situation

Being a female in a desperate situation is nothing like being a male in the same situation. I am awestruck by the audacity of men and their ideas and versions of 'helping' which all include this expectation because I am a female. I know men who are drug users and make the same bad choices over and over and over again and they never run out of friends to lend a hand or offer money and places to stay and cars. It is fucking INSANE, yet all I have had is men who think I will give my dignity away for a god damn day out of this hell or a 'chance' to have a better life, but a cage is a fucking cage. Been there Honey, lived that. One is no better than the other.

So, in the end there is nothing but pain, loneliness and betrayal. For us women anyway. No wonder I spent almost my entire life wishing I was a man. 

Welcome to one of my many nightmares.

Luther: Season 1: Episode 1.4 Did I Just Miss A Bullet?

I am having a REALLY bad week, or weeks; plural. Hell, months, years... whatever. Anyway, my coping skills become more and more limited. Netflix and a razor are pretty much all that keep me going these days. So after 166 episodes of Bones, which was excellent btw, I am now watching BBC's Luther.

In episode 1.4 I was taken aback by the realization that I may have dodged a horrifying bullet. If you choose to watch the episode then I will ask you to focus on the scene where Linda is brought into the interrogation room. Listen to her tell how long and why she stayed with this man. Connect to the way he manipulated her into staying with his threats of suicide and his attempts as well... that was me. Now, that isn't much in itself. I mean for normal people it might be but in my life it really is just a small beast. What is terrifying is the path her husband eventually pursues. What is terrifying is that much of that path reflects the horrific things my ex was writing about doing on a very public website.

So here I was being manipulated in the same way as this character by a person writing about stalking and raping women. Did I dodge a bullet when I figured it all out or did he stage everything to attempt to save himself from eventually acting out on his writings? Or, did he act any of those writings out and I just don't know about it? Or, did he act them out sexually with people he was sleeping with to detour from actually doing the things he wrote about? Either or, it is terrifying to imagine. It is why I sent my daughter away as soon as I found the writings. It is one of the many reasons I am so horribly broken today.

Welcome to one of my many nightmares... 

So done.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

“When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“Many kids, it seemed, would find out that their parents were flawed, messed-up people later in life, and I didn't appreciate getting to know it all so strong and early.”
― Aimee Bender, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

Agendas Suck.

I'm am so tired of interacting with people who have a goal, which is to be with me, and in that they disregard all pertinent information that detours from that goal. For example, when I say that I can not tolerate being a passenger in a vehicle and then they repeatedly ask me to go on long drives to places with them. They do not offer to let me drive, they just keep attempting to make plans with me to go places. So, after repeating myself a few times I am then forced to make shit up. I hate having to do this.

If I am sick then why would someone keep trying to get me to do things with them? I AM SICK. How difficult is this to comprehend? If I say that my daughter is very busy with school and work then why offer to drive me to see her when you know SHE IS BUSY and I GET CAR SICK? I know that on some level this is a person attempting to be considerate, but at the same time, this is more of a person who has an agenda. I am sick to death of people and their agendas. Is there no one left with heart? Or is it all about the agenda today?

If you have a desire to help a person, then you help. You do not attach an agenda to it. That is blackmail. That is manipulation. Only if a person agrees to trade one for the other are they obligated to anything. If a person accepts work from another then all the person making the offer should expect is that the person doing the work put the required effort into that work expected. There should not be expectations beyond that. There is a very sick flaw in todays world that everyone is either a pimp or a prostitute. Why? Since when? I don't owe anyone my heart, body, time or mind just because they have offered to give me a bit of work. I should only owe my time agreed upon and a good work ethic while doing it.

If I was capable of pimping myself out then I would be doing pretty damn good right now, but I can't and I won't.

Rant over for now...

No Apologies.

santa-barbara-shooter-elliot-rodgers-six-dead-ucsb-campus THIS IS A NARCISSIST BEHIND THE MASK

THIS is a narcissist. Watch it. Learn it. Run away from it. Even with the level of cheesiness you can see here, they are dead serious and deadly. If you live with one, run as fast as you can as soon as you can. It took me forever to get away and I won't ever be the same. So you just go if you can get away, and don't look back. If you can't get away try to find help. Please.

http://hollywoodlife.com/2014/05/24/santa-barbara-shooter-elliot-rodgers-six-dead-ucsb-campus/ 


"Attorney Shifman said the Rodger family called police several weeks ago after being alarmed by YouTube videos "regarding suicide and the killing of people" that Elliot Rodger had been posting.

Police interviewed Elliot Rodger and found him to be a "perfectly polite, kind and wonderful human," but noted that he had few friends and no girlfriend, he added. Police did not find a history of guns."

http://news.yahoo.com/sheriff-calif-gunman-killed-3-people-home-005331176.html  

You're all becoming cannibals because you are too scared to fight back; to expose yourself as human.

Someone told me that my "life is too screwed up to even have online friends." OUCH. That hurt, and pissed me off. Particularly since I gave a few very clear outs near the beginning of our interactions. This is another theme I am seeing in my life path.

No matter how open, clear, fully disclosed I am with people, they never take the out during the safe zone. They wait. They wait until they know they have made some form of connection, and then they severe it or do something horrible, unforgivable to destroy it. Is control really that important today? Or should I say, 'false control?' Yes, they have actively affected my life, but a) in a pitiful, sad, pathetic way and b) I still have the power to make choices and decisions. They might be choices or decisions based on a few really crappy options, but they are still mine.

Anyway. This person disappointed me. Hell. Almost everyone disappoints me these days; myself included.

It really wasn't that long ago that the world was filled with people who made groups of friends that they could trust and lean on. They made a damn television show based on the concept, for gawds sake. I think it was one of the longest running sitcoms at some point as well. I could be wrong. What I am not wrong on though is the transformation in the world.

This new way of life isn't a positive. It is leading to mob mentality, savage and angry, overstressed groups of people just trying to make sense of it all. Extremists. Hungry, poor, exhausted people who might finally have access the healthcare they so badly needed, but still can't afford the gas or upkeep on a vehicle to get to it. Food we can't afford to buy or allow ourselves to think about the risk we are taking by eating it in the first place. A place where growing a garden or your own food is a crime as is being homeless, poor, sick, needy.

This my friends is the bigger picture of control. This is the parent leading by example. This is what everyone should be focusing their control issues on... our government, state and other political arenas. Instead we have become cannibals.

Eating each other alive.

Grasping for survival.

No mercy.

No humanity.

Everyone for themselves.

I've Been Looking For This my Entire Life

The Opposite of Loneliness

I have only found it momentarily in the family I created and then lost. And now I find myself again searching for the opposite of loneliness....

Synchronistic Moments- My Life is Filled with them

Synchronistic Moments

"Synchronistic moments feel like grace, as they induce in us the feeling that we are right where we are supposed to be. Being numinous, synchronicities have a strong feeling component and emotional charge, which is both an expression of while simultaneously flowing into, influencing and altering the surrounding field of consciousness. A manifestation of the field as a whole, synchronicities are a field phenomenon, and to receive their full blessing we need to relate to them as such. Synchronicities are a reflection of the deeper, underlying nonlocal field of consciousness waking up to itself through us. The gift of synchronicity cannot be realized from the point of view which imagines we exist as a separate person who is “other” than the field in which we are arising. Jung and his patient’s shared synchronistic event was a living experience of being connected to something greater than themselves. Synchronicities are acute outbreaks of the archetypal, collective mind-field crystallized into our personal sphere through the third-dimensional medium of time and space."

So does this mean that I am right where I should be? What does it lead to? Will I live to see the day it all comes together or will it kill me in the process? Oh the conundrum. 

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

depression comix

Killswitch Engage - In Due Time [OFFICIAL VIDEO] (With lyrics)

"In Due Time"



Pacing aimlessly,

With my mind in unrest

Unsure of what may come.

What have I done to bring this down on me? 

Helpless to make this undone



All in due time, see the world through different eyes.

All in due time, the shadows will give way to light.



How much more can I give of myself,

as these walls close in on me? 

As I slip down into this despair

(into this despair),

There is nothing to attain



What victory

(what victory)

When my soul is weak,

(is weak)

where does my help come from? 



All in due time, see the world through different eyes.

I see the world through different eyes.

All in due time, shadows will give way, give way to light.



All that we suffer through leads to determination.

The trials we all go through gives us the strength to carry on.

Something within us burns, desire feeds the will to live. 

A reason to believe I will see redemption.



All in due time, see the world through different eyes

I see the world through different eyes

All in due time, the shadows will give way to light.

All in due time.

NAMASTE'

Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him? It's all true, except the friends being trustworthy one!

Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him?:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.


If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.


A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.


Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.


Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.


A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her. <<< Well, this one is wrong. Most middle-aged women, right now, in this particular place in the world, are doing what men do; hiding behind a mask to be someone else they wish they could be but don' want to risk or work to be that person. So she can't really trust anyone fully, but the blow to the system when she finds out is far less shocking than when she was younger and jaded.


Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.


A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.


Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.


Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.


Ladies, I apologize.


For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Blah Blah Blah= Update

I imagine a day when I can come to this place and write about all the great things happening in my life and around me. For now, just more shit. 

We just figured out that my sons unemployment ends June 15th. Uh yeah, it would be lovely if they bothered to put that date on his stubs rather than the end date. The end date is what we thought was, well, the end date for his UE benefits. It isn't. The real end date is at 26 weeks, not the date on every single damn stub. For all the useless crap they have typed on the useless stubs, since it is all online these days, you would think they might consider THAT date the REAL end date, to be important enough to put there as well. Just another fucked up part of the illogically run system. Not shocking but again, another hit for the people just trying to survive. 

So, no more food, gas, paying of bills or well anything after June 15th if something doesn't happen between now and then that is not another baseball bat to the head and gut. Our run of bad luck and bad circumstances seems to have no end. I don't have cancer, so that is a plus, but I have shingles. Um, k. Aren't shingles suppose to be like, the most painful thing? If these are shingles then I have the no pain kind, which doesn't exist but you know, I'm lucky that way or possibly, it isn't what the clinic thinks it is. LOL! Time will tell, or kill me while I wait. If I am lucky. Oh! And my B-12 is almost non-existent, so weekly shots for that. They say that might be part of this depression issue, and that any nerve damage from it is not repairable. WOOT. Am I the only one seeing the awesome way I am totally fucked but there is that tiny little 'it could be worse' thing there to make me feel like an asshole for being more aware of the huge bad part rather than the tiny, could be worse part? If you put all those tiny bits of good together it wouldn't even touch the big pile of bad. So it is a little difficult to focus on that when there is so much life threatening shit happening to us. So yeah. Think positive and all that shit. Sure. No problem. 

On the plus side, the Circle-K up here is hiring. On the bad side, as soon as we found that out my car started to die off and on and my brakes are sounding horrible and both front tires seem to be losing air, along with the power steering leak issue, the catalytic convertor issue and of course the 2012 tags and no registration at all for this year due to the lack of funds to pay it and the 7 months of late fees so far... thats the sound of me, sighing, heavily. I miss my old, fucked up, loveless, miserable life. The one with a mate and home and such, not the one I have now. To be clear. I forget what human touch feels like, and having someone, anyone to interact with about anything beyond money issues and our sorry life. I suppose that is why I come here. If only my blog had warm hands...

I want to write about the one positive here, but I can't. If I do, as per some contract written somewhere in the universe, it will all go to immediate shit, and I need what little I can hold onto, so I wish I could share but they just won't let me. The universes contract writers seem to think I am some huge asshole who needs a neverending reminder. I don't. I see it. I get it. I would love a break in the eternal gain of cosmic wisdom via struggle and pain. Plus, I could use the time to free up some space in the old noggin'. It's on overflow at this point so it's all going to waste anyway. Anyone listening out there? No. I am aware that, like this blog, there is no one paying attention to my dribble. Bummer.

So! We eat for 5 more weeks! See? I can focus on the good momentarily. Ha ha ha. Sarcastic me. 

Generation Gap

I believe that these quotes might explain the gap between my generation and my mothers. One generation believes that the more you physically do, and the bigger the strain on the body, the more worthy a person you are. The other understands that no matter how many boulders you drag around, or how pleasing to the eye you manage to make them that you will not manifest the money to pay your bills or mend the emotional damage you have caused. That your sins are not abolished because you make your body ache or your fingers bleed. On the other-hand, being frozen in fear, racking my brain for answers or solutions while being terrified of actually making any move at all, isn't fixing anything either. The idea of being exposed to another hit or another deceitful broken person or being at the mercy of anything/anyone else makes my heart race and everything else turn to ice.

I found this quote here:
http://www.andreabalt.com/5-causes-for-creative-block/

Sue Fitzmaurice on Overcoming Your Ego

Howl at the Moon Bitches.

What Do You Desire Most? My birthday gift to you.

Post by Jason Benghazi Smith.

Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar

The last two minutes really sum it all up perfectly. Character and integrity.

In the 3 years or so since this was recorded these characteristics have become near void within the population and relationships. It's all about the mask now. The costume. The veil.

I Feel So Small

From the Curiosity Rover on Mars showing Earth from the Perspective of Mars. Possibly the coolest yet most 'how is it possible' photo ever. Wow. Just wow.

Five Rules- Number's 2 and 3 Hit Home

The Big Four Seven

I'll be 47 in a week and it all just hit me like a big rig. Not my age but the loss of the past 16 years and where it has left me, but more importantly my kid as well. This isolation being the nail in the coffin for us both and not being able to change or alter it no matter the opportunities presented due to the inability to get anywhere is like salt in the wounds. The night the car we were contemplating buying took a shit on us, my sons old job was being offered back to him. That was like taking a flat out blow to the gut and the face at one time. So now what? Now. What? ...

When my son was just a baby his father, Dan and I were forced to live with my father. My father is about as sane as my mother. We didn't have any income and my son needed diapers and food so Dan and I sold our blood at the plasma place in Oceanside. You could only do it once every few weeks but it was $15 for each of us to buy diapers, baby food and something for us to consume. before you wonder if my father fed us the answer is no. Period. When we were homeless, just a few years before, we went and stayed with my father momentarily. We had no income at all then either. My father would make us work like horses for a few bucks. I vividly remember one day when we were starving, literally and my father told Dan he would pay him to wash and wax both his cars. It was summer. It was brutal, but he did it. After 3 hours or so my father gave him $5. Five dollars. We went to the AM/PM that was walking distance and bought 2 hot dogs for $2. I guess my point of telling this story is that what I face today is not so much a new place I find myself but one I worked really hard to never have to face again. I have been there and lived that and I knew that I deserved more and was willing to work hard to get it.

I guess the one lesson I didn't learn was to never trust anyone. If you can't trust your own parents and their love for you and their intentions then really, who can you trust. The answer I now know is no one. Karma is a nice thought in theory but I have not seen it. I have stopped believing in it. I know far too many people who have never helped anyone without a self serving motive and they prosper. I don't know anyone personally who can say that they have saved someones life or more than one persons life (outside of in their career) yet I have and I die slowly. I see people abuse others as a way of life get an abundance of good things and people to fill their world and I can't find a single soul without motive to lend a hand to us. I have seen the demand of so much from ones that don't do anything to get it, but still they do. All I have ever wanted was a home, a family, and a small but happy life. No frills, just a strong base and some strong bonds. Connection. And I consciously made all my choices to not end up like either of my parents. I am not like them so much but my life is exactly like theirs. They just had a lot more fun to end up where they have.

I worked hard and did all the right things, or the things that logically were right, which means I made tough choices and struggled to not take the easy way out of everything, and I ended up right here. Right in the same ugly place that they both are. I always thought it was due to the selfishness on their part. The lack of logic. The way they used and abused people, drugs, alcohol, etc that got them here. Man, was I wrong. I thought the fact that each of them had one person in their lives that ALWAYS dug them out of their self-made holes was what kept them so weak and incapable of accepting any responsibility for their lives. Once those people had died they both just kind of laid down and died wherever they were at the time although for one of them that happened much later because the person they looked to left them something to extend the hand for a while, but still in the end they ended up just as the other did. And me as well. For me though, it was trusting and believing and persevering that got me here. Still partially my fault, of course, but my fault was in my belief in others. Not giving up when I should have. Not having enough belief in myself anymore. Not wanting to put my kids through anything I went through when I still believed there was something there to hope for or believe in. And I might add that the other person involved spent a lot of time leading me to believe this as well. I was not just blindly having hope in an obviously lost cause. This was planned. This was consciously mapped out. This was deceit in its rawest form, and I fell for it.

So now what? Now what.  

I read and read and read. I try to draw a map to work my way out. I try to grasp at anything tangible to accomplish anything. Anything at all. I haven't come across anyones experience yet that has fully encompassed this place I find myself and my son in though. There is always that one or two things that they had that we don't. The pertinent thing that made all the difference. The miracle or helping hand or resource. I can't find any of it though. Even in my dreams I am right where I am trying to figure out how to wake up from what has to be a nightmare. It just does not seem possible to have so many 'by chance' disasters happen consistently for such a long span of time to such a detriment to us. I mean the odds alone are staggering. If my life was a lottery ticket I'd be one of those once in a lifetime winning tickets.

I have so much potential. So fucking much, especially now that the weight of a relationship with a broken person is lifted, yet I can't even get food for us now. It is all just continuing to go to waste and my life is 2/3 over. How cruel is it to know what you have but not be able to do anything with it? To not be able to supply yourself with the very most basic of life's needs. Food, shelter, income and. maybe some laughter once in awhile.

Is that really so much to hope for?