the crunch- Bukowski

the crunch

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or

tears

haters
lovers

strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking
virgins.

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone

untouched
unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about
it.

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
stems
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
thought of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say
"no."

from LOVE IS A DOG FROM HELL
©1977, reprinted with permission of Black Sparrow Press
http://bukowski.net/poems/the_crunch.php

Quiet Clean Girls and Gingham Dresses by Charles Bukowski

Love is a Dog from Hell- Bukowsky

quiet clean girls in gingham dresses ...

all I've ever known are whores, ex-prostitutes,
madwomen. I see men with quiet,
gentle women ­ I see them in the supermarkets,
I see them walking down the streets together,
I see them in their apartments: people at
peace, living together. I know that their
peace is only partial, but there is
peace, often hours and days of peace.

all I've ever known are pill freaks, alcoholics,
whores, ex-prostitutes, madwomen.

when one leaves
another arrives
worse than her predecessor.

I see so many men with quiet clean girls in
gingham dresses
girls with faces that are not wolverine or
predatory.

"don't ever bring a whore around," I tell my
few friends, "I'll fall in love with her."

"you couldn't stand a good woman, Bukowski."

I need a good woman. I need a good woman
more than I need this typewriter, more than
I need my automobile, more than I need
Mozart; I need a good woman so badly that I
can taste her in the air, I can feel her
at my fingertips, I can see sidewalks built
for her feet to walk upon,
I can see pillows for her head,
I can feel my waiting laughter,
I can see her petting a cat,
I can see her sleeping,
I can see her slippers on the floor.

I know that she exists
but where is she upon this earth
as the whores keep finding me?

Motto: "Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut." Greatest Strength: Not flinching in the face of a challenge

rising- Scorpio
Element: Water | Key Planet: Pluto
Motto: "Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut."
Greatest Strength: Not flinching in the face of a challenge
Possible Weakness: Not being direct about your desires
Looking at the world through Scorpio Rising gives you a very measured view of your surroundings. You have a tendency to weigh your words and your reactions... controlling your feelings so that you only show what you want others to see. You're passionate, yet not overtaken by emotion most of the time. This power makes you skillful in emergency situations as you channel the intensity you feel with focus and direction. Letting others in takes some time, so you can come across as more stern than you actually are until you feel comfortable enough to relax and let them in.

moon- Gemini
Element: Air | Key Planet: Mercury
Motto: "Change is the essence of life ."
Greatest Strength: Your capacity to talk about your feelings
Possible Weakness: Difficulty sticking to a plan
Feelings can flutter and shift in the blink of an eye with the Moon in Gemini, allowing you to adjust to changing situations with ease. It's sticking to a routine that's challenging since variety is your favorite flavor. Jobs that allow you to wear more than one hat are perfect for your needs. You're usually comfortable talking about your feelings, finding it relatively easy to see the emotional patterns in your life and discuss them openly. But it's also possible that you use your mind to "float" above unpleasant feelings by explaining your way around them, rather than engaging with them on a gut level.

sun- Aries
Element: Fire | Key Planet: Mars
Motto: "Ready, fire, aim!"
Greatest Strength: Your courage to overcome fear
Possible Weakness: Not finishing things you start
Rams live life head first; after all, those horns on your head are not just for fighting. Your headstrong nature can make you a "battering ram" and woe is the person who stands in your way. You Rams are noted for your courage and leadership qualities, primarily because you are nearly always ready for action. The need for excitement pushes you into new territory -- and as long as you are ahead of others while demonstrating confidence, chances are that they will follow you. As self-ordained leader of the pack, you fight for what you believe to be important.

alder tree
Animal: Bear, Fox, Hawk
Color: Red
Flower: Broom
Gem: Rubies

tarot card- the emperor
Life Path Number: 4 | Power Planet: Mars
Motto: May you be master of your realm.
Personal Style: Disciplined, hard-working, practical and tidy
Weaknesses: Nit-picky, defensive, judgmental and boring
Like the classic millionaire next door, Emperors create a whole lot of something out of regular routine and daily hard work. None of that seize and conquer stuff for this king, who builds up a financial or family kingdom one well thought out step at a time. Emperors are here to plan and prioritize their own life, and then keep the planet in good working order.

number 8
Strengths: Smart, committed, level-headed, protective
Weaknesses: Controlling, aggressive, intolerant
As a Sun Number 8 you like to be in charge, so when faced with uncontrollable changes in life, you can become agitated and angry. You are capable and smart, seeing the bigger picture well before anyone else does, but you can be aggressive, if not bullish, as well. You are able to deal with the material world without the kind of attachment most people are burdened with. Therefore, you can take chances and use your assets in a way others might consider too risky.

Chinese goat
Mantra: Living is my form of art.
The Goat is the most easygoing of all the signs � sensitive to other peoples needs, kindhearted, flexible and social. Goats love life, and all forms of art will help them express their active energy and joie de vivre. When stressed, they can be moody and appear weak, but will stubbornly resist the opinions of others if they disagree. They are devoted to their loved ones, outgoing and quite outspoken about the world they live in.

My Only Regret? I Didn't $%#& You at Least Once. (Maroon 5 - One More Night)

YEAH, I JUST SAID THAT.

Finally. And a Message to the Most Recent 'Ex' D.

I finally found something to be thankful for where P is concerned... we have known one another for 15 1/2 years, and he has never, ever, called me crazy or told me I was 'such a chick' or a crazy bitch or any of those derogatory labels men like to put on all women rather than the ones who have earned it. He has always said that I am quite the opposite of the 'typical' woman reaction and emotion wise. For that I thank him deeply. Someone I have only known a short while has spent countless minutes trying to label me as one of these 'crazy bitches.'. It has been incredibly degrading to me as this person does not know me at all if he believes his own words. Now, in retrospect I can see how this is being used as a tool to push me away (and it has worked superbly, I might add) and to justify his lack of communication and problem solving skills.

It ain't me bitch... it's YOU that is typical, you are the sheep, you are the gotdamn weak person here. So piss the fuck off if I offend you with my desire to be a person (not a woman but a PERSON) with an actual voice and a fucking backbone to boot. Piss off if you think you can take my care and use it as a tool to punish me or to ignore your horrific and obvious desire to make me feel less than. I've been there and I have felt that, and I AIN'T GOING BACK. So, get your shit together Man, and call me when you think you can kindly handle me as I am and with the respect I not only deserve but have willingly given you, even when you didn't earn it or deserve it. XOXO- your Ex. 

I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling.

 "...I do not want a stranger--unsympathizing, alien, different from me; I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling." 'Jane Eyre' on marriage.

Lily Myers - "Shrinking Women" (CUPSI 2013)

Replaced So Fast, Yet I Am Not At All Surprised.

Look at YOU. Already have a replacement and you don't even have to remember the name just that extra L when you're interacting online. Fast worker. Now you can get laid I suppose. WTG. She's far more your 'type' so we will see how that works out for ya.... seeing as your type has worked out so well in the past and all... Way to work the program asshole. Baise toi. And it seems I didn't destroy every trace of my drawing, which you despise but others seem to think I was an asshole for letting you make me think my work sucked because they thought it actually captured your very essence... go figure. Anyway, since I let you break my confidence in something I love I've decided to recapture it and post this here. If it sucks it sucks but maybe it doesn't. I've been told I have an ability to draw from the inside out... maybe that's why you hate this so much? Or maybe you're just a dick and have no issue with breaking a person down? I don't know, but it takes a lot more talent to actually draw than to 'throw some paint on a canvas,' and call it art. So bite me. It isn't perfect but isn't shit either.

Tegan And Sara - Goodbye, Goodbye- D

Goodbye, I don’t wanna feel the need to hear your voice.
Goodbye, I don’t wanna feel the need to see your face.

(Pre-Chorus)
I can’t live with all these things I would say.
I can’t live with all these things that I’d say.

(Chorus)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Let the first time.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Let the first time.
You never really knew me, never ever,Never ever saw me, saw me like they did.
You never really loved me, never really,Never really loved me, loved me like they did.

(Verse)
Waste some time, I might wanna see the way that you’ve changed
Waste some time, I might wanna see how you’ve been, what you came to play.

(Pre-Chorus)
I can’t stand it, all these things I’ve let go,
I can’t stand it, all these things I’ve let go.

(Chorus)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Let the first time.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Let the first time.
You never really knew me, never ever,
Never ever saw me, saw me like they did.
You never really loved me, never really,
Never really loved me, loved me like they did.

(Bridge)
You could have told me goodbye,
You could have told me goodbye,
You let me try, no, there is
Nothing I can do to change you.
You could have warned me,
Now there’s nothing I can do to change you.
(Chorus)
You never really knew me, never ever,
Never ever saw me, saw me like they did.
You never really loved me, never really,
Never really loved me, loved me like they did.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Let the first time.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye,
Let the first time.
You never really knew me, never ever,
Never ever saw me, saw me like they did.
You never really loved me, never really,
Never really loved me, loved me like they did.

Tegan And Sara - Call It Off (Video)- For D

I won't regret saying this 
This thing 
That I'm saying 
Is it better than 
Keeping my mouth shut 
That goes without saying 
Call, break it off 
Call, break my own heart 
Maybe I would have been 
Something you'd be good at 
Maybe you would have been 
Something I'd be good at 
But now we'll never know 
I won't be sad 
But in case 
I'll go there 
Everyday, 
To make myself feel bad 
There's a chance 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do 
I won't be out long 
But I still think it better if 
You take your time 
Coming over here 
I think that's for the best 
Call, break it off 
Call, break my own heart 
Maybe I would have been 
Something you'd be good at 
Maybe you would have been 
Something I'd be good at 
But now 
We'll never know 
I won't be sad 
But in case 
I'll go there 
Everyday, 
To make myself feel bad 
There's a chance 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do 
I'll start to wonder 
If this was the thing to do

What Love Is:

Honoré de Balzac, who knew a thing or two about all-consuming love, in Physiologie Du Mariage:
The more one judges, the less one loves.

Louis de Bernières in Corelli’s Mandolin:
Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Charles Bukowski, who also famously deemed love “a dog from hell,” in this archival video interview:
Love is kind of like when you see a fog in the morning, when you wake up before the sun comes out. It’s just a little while, and then it burns away… Love is a fog that burns with the first daylight of reality.

Shakespeare in A Midsummer Night’s Dream:
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.

Evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins in a letter to his ten-year-old daughter explaining the importance of evidence in science and in life:
People sometimes say that you must believe in feelings deep inside, otherwise you’d never be confident of things like ‘My wife loves me’. But this is a bad argument. There can be plenty of evidence that somebody loves you. All through the day when you are with somebody who loves you, you see and hear lots of little tidbits of evidence, and they all add up. It isn’t purely inside feeling, like the feeling that priests call revelation. There are outside things to back up the inside feeling: looks in the eye, tender notes in the voice, little favors and kindnesses; this is all real evidence.

Paulo Coelho in The Zahir: A Novel of Obsession:
Love is an untamed force. When we try to control it, it destroys us. When we try to imprison it, it enslaves us. When we try to understand it, it leaves us feeling lost and confused.

James Baldwin in The Price of the Ticket: Collected Non-fiction, 1948-1985:
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

Haruki Murakami in Kafka on the Shore:
Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind.
http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/01/01/what-is-love/

Tyler James - Worry About You Lyrics 2013

I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: DANGEROUSLY in the STRUKTURE Downtown Fullerto...

Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: DANGEROUSLY in the STRUKTURE Downtown Fullerto...: He intrigues me so much... beautiful.

Tesla - Love Song (+playlist)

Games People Play

Lyrics | Alan Parsons Project lyrics - Games People Play lyrics

Songwriters: PARSONS, ALAN / WOOLFSON, ERIC Where do we go from here now that all other children are growin' up And how do we spend our lives if there's no one to lend us a hand I don't wanna live here no more, I don't wanna stay Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life, Quietly fading away Games people play, You take it or you leave it Things that they say, Honor Brite If I promise you the Moon and the Stars, Would you believe it Games people play in the middle of the night Where do we go from here now that all of the children have grown up And how do we spend our time knowin' nobody gives us a damn I don't wanna live here no more, I don't wanna stay Ain't gonna spend the rest of my life, Quietly fading away Games people play, You take it or you leave it Things that they say, Just don't make it right If I'm telling you the truth right now, do you believe it Games people play in the middle of the night Games people play, You take it or you leave it Things that they say, Honor Brite If I promise you the Moon and the Stars, Would you believe it Games people play in the middle of the night Games people play, You take it or you leave it Things that they say, Just don't make it right If I'm tellin' you the truth right now, do you believe it Games people play in the middle of the night

Joan Didion

“People with self-respect exhibit a certain toughness, a kind of moral nerve; they display what was once called *character,* a quality which, although approved in the abstract, sometimes loses ground to the other, more instantly negotiable virtues.... character--the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life--is the source from which self-respect springs.” ― Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem

“I don't know what I think until I write it down.” ― Joan Didion

“Self-respect is a question of recognizing that anything worth having,has a price.” ― Joan Didion
“We are not idealized wild things. We are imperfect mortal beings, aware of that mortality even as we push it away, failed by our very complication, so wired that when we mourn our losses we also mourn, for better or for worse, ourselves. As we were. As we are no longer. As we will one day not be at all.” ― Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking

“I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind's door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends.” ― Joan Didion, Slouching Towards Bethlehem

“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion

“Character — the willingness to accept responsibility for one's own life — is the source from which self-respect springs.” ― Joan Didion, On Self-Respect

“Although I have felt compelled to write things down since I was five years old, I doubt that my daughter ever will, for she is a singularly blessed and accepting child, delighted with life exactly as life presents itself to her, unafraid to go to sleep and unafraid to wake up. Keepers of private notebooks are a different breed altogether, lonely and resistant rearrangers of things, anxious malcontents, children afflicted apparently at birth with some presentiment of loss.” ― Joan Didion

Andria by La Dispute (w/ lyrics)

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses.

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3 data-blogger-escaped-br="">

La Roux - Bulletproof

All the Way Down

Kid Cudi The pursuit of happiness lyrics

Today I Choose...

... to say FUCK YOU if you think you can disrespect me but expect respect. Fuck you if you think you can expect anything from me that you can't or won't give back. Fuck you for choosing to devalue me, while I try to show you your value. Fuck you. Go back to your dis-functional, fucked up, bullshit of a relationship with your co-dependent ex who doesn't value YOU enough to make a choice and stick to it. You deserve one another, as it is obvious that this is what you desire. You can't lie your way into peace of mind, healthy relationships, wellness, or anything good. Your conscience will always know the truth, like my gut always knows something is not right. You can ignore anything that is 'too much to deal with right now,' as much as you want but you will never be in a better place to DEAL with it as you are now, so it makes no sense to choose to ignore everything. In fact you are setting yourself up to fail, and you know you are doing it too. You are far too intelligent to not realize this. How sad that is. How disappointing. I thought you were special, better, kinder, more aware, but you are as weak as the others and as disappointing as well. More so. You have the ability, they didn't. You are making a choice. I suppose I am thankful that I know now rather than 13 years later or after you have destroyed me even more with your simple and sad ways of dealing with life. I love you my friend, but I am choosing to say fuck you.

10/11/13 I'm going to add something to this: I may not have traveled to the ends of the earth, fucked 100's of nameless people, excelled at everything I have attempted to do, or lived in a completely selfish manner, BUT I have born two amazing human beings, spent 26 years selflessly making every choice with them in mind, brought up my mother rather than her bringing up me, spent 3 years living on the streets of Orange County... THREE YEARS, devoted myself to my mates as well as my children, overcome living in 24/7 pain, countless surgeries, almost a decade of no health insurance, physical, mental and sexual abuse, riches, poorness, uneducated and educated, working full-time AND being a parent alone to two small children, 4 years of in home assembly work so tedious that I developed arthritis in my hands, and doing this anyway so I could be home when the special needs teacher came to my home to teach my son so he could graduate on time, which he did because he is fucking smart but lacks social skills and empathy but not much else and a plethora of other life struggles and events and guess what? I DID IT ALL WITHOUT ALCOHOL, WITHOUT DRUGS, WITHOUT PROPER PAIN MEDICATION. So tell me this, who is really the stronger person? Who has really earned the exhaustion currently being felt? Who has been aware through it all and actually learned the lesson life is teaching? Who deserves a little respect and affirmation? Who deserves to be with a person that does not use double standards? Think about that for awhile. Think HARD. The totality of ME is not who I am right now but who I have been and who I will become again, with rest and maybe just one single person in my life who treats me as I deserve. Just one. Although I am beginning to believe I will never find a single person who see's me for who I am, I plan on continuing to search, or die trying. So good luck to you and to me as well. You are not the only person with gold. I am gold too, you just can't seem to see the glint of it in all the muck of the current mess I have been wading through. We both lose. No winners here. How disappointing it has all turned out. Maybe not all, true to form yet another mate has achieved the unreachable while having me in their life, and once again I am swept to the gutter when I am no longer needed or can meet the expectations of the other, because how dare 'I' be human as well. How dare 'I' have dreams or expectations or standards for myself. How dare 'I' be exhausted, overwhelmed, lonely, or in need of support. Yes, How dare I. Who do I think I am? I'm such a crazy female. I'm just another crazy bitch, right? Just another pathetic negative chick that has nothing in her past to prove otherwise, right? RIGHT? And that is why this is over. Sheep trying to force me into their herd. Sheep in disguise. A disguise so well worn that even they can't see their own costume anymore. What a waste. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE GOD DAMN IT.

Own your own power; don't give it away. WORD.

Own your own power; don't give it away. The task is to begin making conscious decisions rather than reacting from the gut level. If you refuse to face your own issues and claim what is rightfully yours, present circumstances and those you must deal with can have power over you. What you do not claim as your own can be claimed by lovers, friends and even enemies. You can choose to avoid the issues innate to your psyche, but then you also avoid the wonder of the power you possess and your ability to provide insight to others. The process of gaining control over yourself leads to power in all other areas of life. This is the year to make a stand, and you are likely to confront others. Once you have healed yourself and owned your own power, you have the ability to give insight to others and influence their behavior also. The psychological power associated with Pluto can be used to heal more than one person. It can be used for your own healing or that of others. In the ideal situation, both healing processes occur simultaneously, with each individual involved contributing pieces of information leading to wholeness.

Brennan bartel live at the dial

My psuedo son!! He's amazing and I am so proud to have gotten to see him grow up and become the young man he is today!!

You

I love you. For now we will play this by ear, but eventually we will have to speak of things that are being avoided. I would like to ignore them as much as anyone and live in blissful ignorance, but it is not possible. For now though I will believe the unbelievable and try to keep the shadows from eating me alive...

M

T h e P r o u s t Q u e s t i o n n a i r e

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?

Losing a child.

Where would you like to live?

In a Victorian on a cliff high above the ocean or Greece.

What is your idea of earthly happiness?

To live near my family, have good friends, books, laughter, health and financial security.

To what faults do you feel most indulgent?

Gambling, not saying what I feel for my best interests, fear and lack of drive in day to day life.

Who are your favorite heroes of fiction?

Roland DeShane the obsessive, faulty but driven hero

Who are your favorite characters in history?

Joan of Ark

Who are your favorite heroines in real life?

Angelina Jolie for living as she wants and feels and for her compassion and inner beauty.

Who are your favorite heroines of fiction?

Heroines, wise and fearless woman, fighters for good and the underdogs.

Your favorite painter?

I don't have a favorite.

Your favorite musician?

Greg Graffin

The quality you most admire in a man?

Morality, sense of humor and strength and integrity.

The quality you most admire in a woman?

Charm

Your favorite virtue?

Integrity.

Your favorite occupation?

Making a difference in lives

Who would you have liked to be?

Angelina Jolie

Your most marked characteristic?

I am wise.

What do you most value in your friends?

Relating and laughter.

What is your principle defect?

Caring to much and losing me.

What to your mind would be the greatest of misfortunes?

To have not had my children.

What would you like to be?

A better version of me. Louder, stronger and a bit less caring.

What is your favorite color?

White.

What is your favorite flower?

Lily

What is your favorite bird?

Hummingbird.

Who are your favorite prose writers?

Stephen King.

Who are your favorite poets?

Pablo Neruda and Charles Bukowski

Who are your heroes in real life?

Those who accomplish their dreams and desires without hurting anyone.

Who are your favorite heroines of history?

Joan of Arc.

What are your favorite names?

Atticus.

What is it you most dislike?

Not being 'seen.'

What historical figures do you most despise?

The Bush clan, Hitler etc.

What event in military history do you most admire?

Those that fought.

What natural gift would you most like to possess?

Irresistible charm and musical genius.

How would you like to die?

The best person I could have ever been.

What is your present state of mind?

Lost myself. Ready to leave this planet.

What is your motto?

Why do we get all this life if we don't ever use it? Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don't ever use them? That's where Shirley Valentine disappeared to. She got lost in all this unused life."

Thank you for answering the Proust Questionnaire! Your answers can now be viewed on the Web.

Can You Hear the Echo?

I sit here and morn another love... all that is left is the echo of someone I barely got to know, but I knew him enough to know that he is disappearing at a rate I can not adapt to. I worry about who he will become under the thumb of those who desire to put all of his fire out and not just the dangerous part. I have been in his place before. Led around by my collar by the ones who held the cash and used my families needs as a tool to attempt to control me. And I have gone willingly for their sake, so I see it and I recognize it for what it really is and where it is going to lead. This Golden Boy is turning to tarnish. Losing all his glow and being told it is the only way to be well. I don't agree but it is not my path to follow now is it? All I can do is try to decide if I can watch it progress or if it is going to be too much for me to witness. The later seems most likely. Oh, but it hurts to step away and just be passive when so much will be lost, yet there is no way to battle these warriors hell bent on control and the demise of my love. Only he has the power to choose his path and only he holds the key to his strength and convictions. Sadly, this has always been the case but he never seemed to see that the power laid within HIM, not anyone or anything else. His love for me is not true, although I do believe he wishes it so. It still lies with another and she will inevitably come crawling back sooner or later as it seems they have a history of doing this pathetic dance they call love. This is not love though. It is codependency. It is feeding all the demons instead of nourishing the angels. If it was real true love there would not be so much detachment and reattachment. People that have true love do not sleep with other people, even in between break--ups, which also is another sign of something less than love. If both partners do not appreciate one another enough to be true then there is little to bother salvaging. In my opinion of course, but I have been in relationships from my first one at 13 (over a year). I have never dated. I have never had a frivolous affair. My heart has always been invested, even when I had my own bought of selfish behavior, it was with my heart as well as my mind and body. So it seems the deck is stacked against me and this man I love so. I am unclear why the divine chose to bring us together beyond the fact that I am forever finding myself the pawn used to help others achieve what they thought was un-achievable. And I always, ALWAYS get left to the curb as soon as this has been accomplished. Over and over it happens, like a script with different leading actors. And here it has happened again and my heart is once again left to mend itself of yet another slice and more dangling nerves and irreparable valves. So, if this was the only way to save him then so be it, but this is my last time playing this role. I'd rather be a lonely hermit then continue on this path anymore. I will miss him the most however, as he truly is the one I should have found peace with... I will miss you so much. I don't want to see who you become either. I can't bare to see you with anyone else or AS anyone else. 

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Me in a nutshell... and finding this page was my kernel of corn.... I cried and laughed all at the same time... not a single feeling, or lack there of is one I have or am not experiencing. Wow. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Jose Gonzalez - Down the line (Fromthebasement.tv)

Maxence Cyrin - Where Is My Mind (The Pixies Piano Cover)

"Personal" - Stars (Lyrics)

XX-Shelter

Eventually Everything Dies or Disintegrates.

You put the dog collar on and they applaud but as soon as you attempt to take it off they will yank that cord as hard as they can... this is why you always ran from them. You knew that control was their goal. You knew that to conform to them would be the end of you. And now you go so willingly. Beaten and broken of your own doing. Not seeing how this false reality won't last forever. The real world will be there waiting for you and you will have been coddled and held and made too weak to survive so you will go back to that which made you feel as if you were indestructible or you will allow the collar back on to lead a sheltered life under the thumb of those that use you as you used your drugs and alcohol. YOU are their drugs and alcohol my friend. You don't see how you could have chosen to do do what you did on your own, if you had been willing to let go of the fans and the glee that followed you around and expected you to drink yourself into the 'bigger than' person they all so desperately wished they could be... You could have left this behind and made the choice to leave them and find you again. It would have been hard but you would have still been allowed to be you instead of the fragments of you now mixed with the demands of them, yet again. Trading one ugly mob for another. Trading the fame whores for the money whores.Trading the expected wild freak show for the control freaks. Don't you see? Don't you see? You can not win this way. You can not succeed by being anyone's bitch. LIFE IS this struggle and you HAVE to learn to overcome it in a way that betters you. A way that makes you stronger. A way that makes your soul solid. You have to learn to TRULY believe in who you are without the bottle, the drugs, the fame, the false love. I want to die everyday, but it is because I do not belong here. I can not watch this go on all around me everyday. I can not be beaten and abused for being me and refusing to conform to these control freaks and never be seen as well. Never be acknowledged or find just one person that is the same as me. I just don't want to do it alone anymore. I can stand tall forever. I can let the bitches beat me, but I just don't want to be alone anymore while I take it. It's the being alone part that makes me choose death over this, not my weakness which many will accuse me of. I am not weak. I am tired. I am lonely, BUT I am proud of me and who I am and what I can see that others just won't. I am proud of my scars and my mistakes and my foolish ideas that there is something amazing in everyone, they just have to have the real honest desire to dig it up and accept it. It's too much work. It's too much internal time moving around the lifetime of pains and joys to see the realities and intent that was actually there. It is to painful to admit that you may look foolish or people may look down on you. Fuck that. You do what is true to you and your heart and your soul and you fucking own that shit. But as I said, unless you can find at least one other to share it all with it just becomes too lonely to bear anymore. And this is how I see it. And how I feel. And why I am ready to cut it loose. I have led as many as I can to their needs and deep desires. I have been tossed aside just after as many times I can and I have been disappointed by the lack of integrity or fire to be more than a taker. And it all just depresses me too much to be a part of anymore. And now you. My golden boy. You too fall to the depths of the masses desires. You don't want to believe it yet, or see it or accept it, but you do this to yourself and I am here watching, wondering if I have it in me one more time to be a spectator of another kingdom crumbling to the ground... I don't know... I just don't know.

How Soon is Now? - The Smiths (Full Version)

OM MANI PADME HUM MEDITATION

Ellie Goulding - Your Song

Stateless - Bloodstream (Vampire Diaries Remix)

Wake up and look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hands
Upon my face
Words can be likes knives
They can cut you open
And the silence surrounds you
and haunts you

I think I might have inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then silence surrounds you
and Haunts you

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

The spaces in between
Two minds and all the places they have been
The spaces in between

I tried to put my finger on it
I tried to put my finger on it
I tried to put my finger on it

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

Elvis 1970-1977 Help Me Make It Through The Night

ELVIS - Can't Help Falling In Love (Remastered audio)

Take my hand. Take my whole life too...

Elvis Presley - Trying To Get To You (Live)- D.

Guster - "Satellite" - (Stop Motion)

LYRICS:
Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?

You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite

Elevator to the moon
Whistling our favorite tune
Trying to get a closer view

You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
<br>
Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach

You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
You're my satellite

Tom Waits reads Nirvana by Charles Bukowski

The laughing heart (Tom Waits reads a Charles Bukowski poem)

For Damion

Something Nice To Share For Once

Best compliment I've had in ages. It's who it is from, because they have known me for 30 years, and once we loved one another. He is happily married but he took the time to tell me this and when you have a lifetime of failed relationships and the last 3 have been with men who have blamed me for their own shit it can feel pretty fucking pointless. Then a person who has always known who I am takes a minute to verify that, yes, I have in fact always been me. I haven't changed like so many others do with age. I'm talking internally, not physically, but that was nice to hear as well. People want to break me, and I don't understand why, except that maybe I make being real look too easy or too hard? That would mean that their excuses for not being better humans wouldn't mean much more than that they are too damn lazy to bother.

Hey Michele your fucking awesome and I'm gonna say this you are beautiful now. You went from hot and pretty to beautiful all in like 20 yrs. I think I last saw you in 1993 rite before I got busted. Too bad we didn't at a much later date you know what I mean. Anyway I could introduce you to some great guys up here. Funny, they stopped drinking or drink very little and S says there good. looking.

The Police - So Lonely

staind - waste

AWOLNATION - Sail (Official)

Three Days Grace - Never Too Late

IS THIS WHAT THEY SAY AFTER THE FACT? OR DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN OTHERS ARE SUFFERING AND TRY TO HELP? I WOULDN'T KNOW. NO ONE BOTHERS IN MY WORLD.

Slipknot - Wait And Bleed (HQ)

FUCKING SLIPKNOT... BRILLIANT.