Wayne Dyer was just another person. He was not a God. He was just human like everyone else.

A friend on FB posted this quote today. He is a BIG follower of Wayne Dyer (like FOLLOWER in all caps) and I guess he took his death pretty hard but that is beside the point... anyway, he posted this quote today and it seemed to be aimed at me, so I did what I do; I commented on it! I have zero patience anymore for having this discussion with people but on occasion I just can't not have a say. It may have not been aimed at me but my gut seemed to think otherwise. My gut is pretty accurate. I'm just sayin'!

""Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality." Wayne Dyer."

Tell that to someone who is literally starving or being abused. I'm not kidding. Life and it's experiences can not be summed up and presented in a pretty and clean box or sentence that makes everyone's heart a flutter with hope and washes away the dirtiness of it. You can not preach 'be strong in YOU!' and such, and in the same breath try to wash away or devalue the facts of some people's reality by basically shaming them for not seeing how they 'have everything they need already! ' Only people who haven't been without, or sheep, can truly support this way of dehumanizing and devaluing the reality of human life. It's funny how they don't do this with animals though. You never see commercials telling animals that they have everything they need while showing film and photos of them starving and/or bloody and beaten and such... isn't that odd? I mean to me it isn't because I know the money machine works by hitting the weak spot in people. It works by convincing these people and their great desire to be saved that if they just FOLLOW... if they just BELIEVE... if they ignore and turn away from anything that rubs against the words being PREACHED (religiously or not)... if it isn't pleasant than let's just devalue it by pretending it can be solved immediately and simply if that person or those people would just do it this way or that... LOL. This frustrates me to no end. The hypocrisy is so alarmingly obvious, and yet people believe what tidies up their little world.  I get that is human behavior but it doesn't have to be if people choose otherwise by opening their eyes and mind to the bigger, messier view. I'm just sayin'!! 

Now I am wavering on posting my reply on his post. He's one of those fragile people that are 'suffering' although they have everything and more to survive comfortably but they lack backbone or internal strength or whatever you want to call the black hole that some people use to excuse everything in their life or to blame everything in their life on. He has done much like my mom has done, except he has gone in search of his guru. Again, looking for someone else to fix him rather than looking inward and finding the tools to heal his own wounds permanently. This whole planet is held together by bandages. It can't hold on forever while leaking from the wounds that never properly healed. Not people nor this planet can be fixed without proper healing. At best we end up with a gimpish (defective) society and a jimmy rigged planet just waiting to crash and burn.
STOP BANDAGING YOUR WOUNDS AND START HEALING THEM INSTEAD!!!! Fuck. How is this not common knowledge? How is this logic, not logical? When did everyone become so drunk on the kool-aid????? 
WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!

Even the gif I found to use was from another guru of the past... too funny. 
Too sad. 
Too real, huh?

My curse, or my salvation?

Although I have never really thought about this in this context (being conscious of doing this), seeing this post suddenly made me aware of the fact that I do this naturally, as in, like a habit. It's a coping mechanism that creates empathy rather than rage in most cases. Most assholes are hurt, angry or lonely children on the inside. This does not justify bad behavior but it helps to defuse anger in reaction to them and their tactics. 

It may be my curse, or my salvation but I am pretty damn sure it is why I haven't gone out and retaliated or just hurt the people who so completely deserve some form of 'payback' or 'reaction of which I stand up for myself or my value.' Basically, I use my words (here mostly) and only occasionally day dream about my bare hands and normal versions of retaliation. Most times, I really wish I could be the person who values themselves enough to not be so got damn logical and empathetic. But, I wouldn't be me anymore and I still like myself. So fuck'em. 

Found on FB

Way to ride the hypocrisy train

Wow! 
Damion, dude. 
Way to get down with the hypocrisy! Oh yee who hollers of the lack of integrity in the people surrounding him! Congrats on the new gig reporting on music you claimed to hate and have no knowledge of either. Even better is seeing that you are reporting on bands I grew up with in Orange County specifically, that you poo poo'd when they were just something I enjoyed. I guess now that they are paying your bills and shit you have suddenly 'seen the light?' 
Bullshit. 
You're two-faced and a sell out. At least you don't challenge or surprise me at all anymore. How embarrassed I am until I realize that at least I got out and stayed out. Some of those other chicks are seriously delusional. You are as transparent as they come and your actual depth is about as deep as your ability to love anyone but yourself. Gawd but you do put on a spectacular show in the first weeks. Thankfully, it didn't take long to see the pattern and the pain and the complete and utter fear your life is driven by, and I pity you but that's about it. 
You're so self-absorbed that even befriending you was impossible without being lied to, used and spit on regularly. You my ex-friend have some serious shit to work out in your past before you have any right to bring anyone into your personal hell. What a sad lonely way to choose to live. 
And thank you, THANK YOU for not contacting me when your last known bullshit story failed as predicted. I have a serious issue with caring about people who don't deserve my time, energy or care, but I think I have finally hit the line that will stop me from continuing to do that. So again, thank you. One less person to worry about. One less person to have to watch my back around. One less person whose bullshit I will pretend to believe while I try to figure out how to help. Some people, no many people just don't have the tools to grow up or the depth to empathize sincerely with anyone else. I've been saved! Hallelujah! 

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

Waking Times

Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend.

The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested.

The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you.

The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to samsaric heavens.

The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities.

 ~ Excerpted from the Sigalovada Sutta

This article is offered under Creative Commons license. It’s okay to republish it anywhere as long as attribution bio is included and all links remain intact.

"Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment." (see story below)
And then they bitch about crime. Hungry people are desperate people and guess what? Not all people in poverty have little kids. Some of us already took care of our parental responsibility and have kids paying into a system that is letting their parents starve to death. Make sense, right? Ha! On top of that many of us have disabilities but the system is so incredibly screwed that it literally takes YEARS to get through the process only to be denied and have to go through appeals. They're hypocrites. They know the system is so bad that the few ways adults without children have to get food-stamps are not even viable options, so they consciously are letting us starve.
And I am hungry right now, so this really pisses me off to read. Hungry people are also sick, under-productive and REALLY easily pissed off. Malnutrition does not really work well with productivity.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/food-stamps-time-limit_55e5cf01e4b0b7a9633a4c60

Unemployed People Are Getting Kicked Off Food Stamps

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Arthur DelaneySenior Reporter, The Huffington Post

Posted: 09/01/2015 01:35 PM EDT

WASHINGTON -- If you're a working-age person without a job, a disability or a kid, then soon you're not going to have access to food stamps, either. In another sign of eroding sympathy for the jobless amid a tepid economic recovery, states are restricting benefits for the unencumbered unemployed. Indiana is next.

Earlier this year, the Hoosier State notified roughly 50,000 of the state's 836,000 food stamp recipients that they would be getting the boot come October unless they met work requirements set by the 1996 federal welfare reform law. That Gingrichian measure requires childless adults without disabilities to work 20 hours a week in order to qualify for more than three months of food stamp benefits.

Federal regulations let states waive that rule in times of high unemployment, and since 2009 almost every state has done so. But the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which oversees food stamp benefits -- more formally known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program -- notified states this year that they would soon lose those waivers thanks to falling unemployment rates.

Ending the waivers would kick about a million people off food stamps by the end of next year, according to a January estimate by Ed Bolen, a policy expert with the liberal Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. He said in an interview this week that Indiana is being more aggressive about the time limit than it needs to be, since states can still apply for limited waivers in areas of high unemployment.

"Indiana is not taking an approach that other states are taking, which is to keep the waiver in parts of the state that are hard hit," Bolen said.

But Jim Gavin, a spokesman for the Indiana Family and Social Services Administration, said that forgoing waivers altogether is better policy.

"We view the establishment of the time limits as an opportunity to help improve the skills of Hoosiers in all parts of the state and advance their prospects for meaningful employment," Gavin said, "while at the same time establishing a pool of better prepared candidates for the Indiana workforce."

Only about 10 percent of the 47 million SNAP recipients nationally were able-bodied adults without dependents in 2013, according to the most recent USDA data. The overall number of recipients has declined slightly since then to roughly 45 million. 

The three-month limit for those not working has also been reinstated this year in Wisconsin and Maine, and soon will in New Mexico. Kansas reimposed it in 2013. Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback (R) and New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez (R) urged other states to follow suit in a Sunday op-ed in The Washington Times.

"We encourage governors not to renew work waivers for able-bodied adults without dependent children who are on food assistance and, instead, help lift millions off of welfare and transition them to meaningful jobs as a result," the governors wrote, citing circumstantial evidence that reimposing the time limit boosted employment in some states.

Food stamp recipients can fulfill the work requirement by finding a job or by participating in activities like job training, though Bolen said most states don't offer programs that would guarantee people those other options if they can't find a job.

HuffPost readers: Affected by a SNAP work requirement in your state? Tell us about it -- email arthur@huffingtonpost.com. Please include your phone number if you're willing to be interviewed for a story.

Ka is a wheel

“Ka is a wheel; its one purpose is to turn. The spin of ka always brings us back to the same place, to face and reface our mistakes and defeats until we can learn from them. When we learn from the past, the wheel continues to move forward, towards growth and evolution. When we don’t, the wheel spins backward, and we are given another chance. If once more we squander the opportunity, the wheel continues its rotation towards devolution, or destruction.” -Stephen King

I'm making Ka beads with my freebies!

 Evil Eye beads next! 

INFJ's Like Me Need a Survival Guide, But I Guess 'Here's a Guide to Knowing an INFJ' Instead.

SO THIS HERE LITTLE ARTICLE IS BASICALLY MY INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL STRUGGLE EXPLAINED IN LAYMEN TERMS. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE IT SITTING THERE WAITING FOR ME TO DISCOVER IT IN MY FB STREAM, BUT THERE IT WAS SO HERE I SHARE. IF ANYONE ELSE IS AN INFJ YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME. WE CAN START A GROUP FOR THE DISCONNECTED 1% OF US AND EAT CAKE. I REALLY WANT CAKE, SORRY...
http://iheartintelligence.com/2015/08/27/constant-contradictions/

Of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the rarest of them is the INFJ. Only 1% of the people who take the MBTI fall into this personality type, and if you happen to be one of these rare souls, you know how hard it can be for other people to understand you – or even to understand yourself. One of the defining characteristics of the INFJ is an almost constant internal contradiction. 16personalities.com describes the INJF as having a “very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create an advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.”  SEE? I REALLY AM THE PERSON I CLAIM TO BE, SO NEENER! 

To get an idea of what I am talking about, here are 6 things that other INFJs will agree with me on (even if they don’t admit it).

1. Most of your favorite people are fictional. In fact, most of the time you feel a real connection to another INJF, it is typically in a book. 98% OF REAL PEOPLE SUCK IT IN MY EXPERIENCE AND THERE ISN'T ANYONE TRYING TO PROVE ME WRONG WITH ANYTHING MORE THAN WORDS. USELESS WORDS. CHEAP WORDS. BLAH BLAH BLAH CLICK CLICK YADDA...

2. You find it easy to convince people that you’re an extrovert one minute, and an introvert the next. You understand that it confuses people when you shift gears, but you also know that sometimes you just want to be alone. You want relationships in your life and they make you happy, but you also need a lot of alone time to be happy. It’s a constant juggling act. -I WANT BALANCE AND SOME PEACE FOR HELL'S SAKE. CLING I DO NOT. CLINGY SUCKS. BEING SO NEEDY HAS BEEN HELL FOR ME AND THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALONE TIME AND TOTAL ISOLATION FOR YEARS. BIG BIG DIFFERENCE. 

3. As much as you hate working for money, you’re realistic about needing money to pay bills, rent, etc. It’s a constant battle between being responsible and being free. You can, at the same time, imagine a utopian society – and know that it will never exist.- BUT I STILL DREAM

4. Your intuition will often times play out exactly how a situation is going to go for someone in your head. But, at the risk of offending someone, you just let it play out, and let them make the mistake that you saw coming all along. This is compounded by the fact self-destructive people are drawn to you like a moth to a flame, and you generally care about their problems more than they do. A lot of times, you create standards for other people in your heads based on how you would treat others (including yourself), or what you would do if you were them. You then find yourself severely disappointed when others don’t meet your made-up standards. -GET'EM AWAY, DAMN IT. HALT! SEIZE! TURN THE FUCK AROUND AND MARCH!!!  

5. Sometimes you get a thought in your head that you can’t put into words that other people will understand. Typically, when you try to explain it – you end up confusing them even more. Most of the time, this situation revolves around telling someone how you feel. You either reveal as little about yourself as you possibly can or you reveal WAY too much and end up feeling like an idiot after the fact. After you’ve gone through this cycle enough times, you often end up apologizing for any expression of emotion at all. Social media doesn’t help at all with this one. -THIS BLOG IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW I TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD TO NO AVAIL.

6. You have the ability to fit in everywhere, without feeling like you fit in anywhere. As gifted as you are as an intellectual, you can be miles away from the world around you. This usually leads to a realization that most of the world doesn’t live inside of their own head like you, and that seems weird to you. Often times this leaves you feeling like you are in tune with everyone else’s feelings except your own. -IN OTHER WORDS- SQUARE PEG AMONG ROUND HOLES. 

Hmmmmmm?????

I love the theory but I've tried it and you know what? Nothing. Nothing happens when you stop participating. Now for me that was detrimental at one point and it still is off and on, because spinning ones wheels 24/7 and taking verbal abuse on top of it gets REAL OLD YA'ALL, and then the dark shit takes over. So, do this momentarily when you come to realize that you are powerless for the moment. Use that time to rest or zone out guilt free OR you can use that time to ask yourself why the hell this drawing has a wanger so delicately drawn on???? 

Hmmmm? 

I watch KDramas myself. I find the completely opposite culture refreshing, plus the need to read subtitles helps split my brain activity enough to make the A.D.D. and the rest of the shit swirling around in my head dissipate for awhile. As an added bonus, they can be funnier than shit and then suddenly make your throat close up and tears start falling out like crazy and then there is the food. So much food. A piece of their culture I understand well, feeding the people you care about and holding onto ones integrity. Good stuff! But, one of the best things is how Korea figured out that 'the gratuitous shower scenes' should always be gorgeous Asian men, rather than the plastic women the US is obsessed with. So refreshing! 

Lee Min Ho breaking women's hearts everywhere.

My first K-crush doing his share for humanity. Thank you, Lee Dong-Wook (이동욱) #KDrama #LeeDongWook Scent of a Woman

So when you're down and troubled and need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going riggghhhttt...... 

Find your secret feel good zone out thing and just do it. Guilt free. If your feeling guilty for doing it then you are doing wrong or you really are doing something shitty. In that case, try to find something that isn't hurting yourself or anyone else.

Oh, I guess I should add to any naysayers about the buff men and my own shallowness, yadda, yadda, yadda, that it isn't the hot bod that does it for me. That's a bonus I suppose, but my ex had a better body than these two photos and he spent the time he wasn't working, and as I now know, fucking other people and such, at the gym. I was a gym widow for almost a decade and half. That shit is pointless if you can't back it up with some really great internal qualities. If you are a dick on the inside then people will figure it out eventually no matter how pretty you make the outside. FACT. In real life I don't give pretty men a second glance anymore. Unless it seems to be just a fluke of nature. I'd look twice at that. Anyway, be a good person. Keep true to your words. Care about people, particularly when they really need it. LET PEOPLE CARE FOR YOU BACK. Don't take advantage of it when you get 'cause at some point they will come to their senses. And um, keep on fighting.

Seriously!! It's all I can think about!!

When The Nail Is Hit Perfectly On The Head...

ARIES: This weekend, you may discover surprising news or secrets. If you and a lover or close friend have not been good for one another — for whatever reason — it may be best for you to reconsider your connection and think about why you feel so dependent on their approval. Now it is time to break free from ties that hold you back! (Tangent to follow, sorry! Pre-Adderall kick-in rant) 

(LUCKILY, I HAVE NO LOVER AND NO CLOSE FRIENDS, WHICH I EQUATE TO PEOPLE I CAN SEE AS OPPOSED TO ONES AT THE OTHER END OF THE INTERWEBS THAT MAY NOT EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST BUT RATHER BE FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE HORROR OF TECHNOLOGY. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR WORDS OR CLAIMS OR ALMOST ANYTHING ANYMORE. THEY CAN LITERALLY JUST DISCONNECT AND BE DONE WITH YOU. HOW DO WE KNOW THEY ARE REALLY THERE ANYMORE? ANYONE CAN BE ANYONE AT THIS POINT. THEY ALREADY SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT ANY INTENTION OR CONCERN FOR THE WEIGHT OF THOSE WORDS ON OTHER PEOPLES LIVES. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN WRITE ON THIS BLOG LIKE I DO. IT'S BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE. EVEN THE ONES THAT DO WON'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT TAKES TOO MUCH ATTENTION, DRIVE AND ENERGY TO BOTHER. IRONIC. HUH? DAMN NEAR THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS BECOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 14 YEAR OLD'S WHO KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT CAN'T FIND THEIR ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL SO THEY HAVE TANTRUMS AND SLAM DOORS AND SAY CRUEL THINGS THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY ARE SO DETERMINED TO HIDE THEIR FLAWS THAT THEY JUST CREATE MORE DRAMA, CHAOS AND PAIN FOR THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE ELSE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE EXPERIENCES, BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. (I'M LAUGHING OUT LOUD) GAWD, WHAT A FUCKING FUCKED UP WORLD IT HAS BECOME. IT'S ON REPEAT OR IT'S SKIPPING LIKE A SCRATCHED RECORD. IT'S ANNOYING. 

NO ONE IS AROUND ANYMORE TO MOTIVE PEOPLE TO BE TRUSTWORTHY OR TRY TO BE BETTER FOR, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY IN TRYING TO EMPRESS SOMEONE; AT LEAST ONE PERSON CREATED DRIVE IN ANOTHER TO TAKE ACTION. THE LEARNING HAS HALTED. PEOPLE SHOULD BE OBSERVING AND IN-TAKING THAT INFORMATION FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. IT'S HOW IT IS WAS DONE. WE WILL SOON BE RIGHT OUT OF THE MOVIE 'IDIOCRACY' FAT, STUPID AND TOO DUMB TO EVEN REALIZE IT. (Click the 'Idiocracy' to see why.))

I JUST PROVED MY GIF WRONG. OBVIOUSLY I GIVE A FUCK. OBVIOUSLY I AM AFFECTED. BUT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT. 

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/08/astrology-gifs-for-the-week-of-august-24-2015.html?mid=facebook_kw&kwp_0=37832&kwp_4=219682&kwp_1=182936

So much to say.

After many hours of attempting to write a lifetime of basically everything of importance that I want to share with my kids I find myself still here. Still lost. If nothing else this blog is a good representation of the insanity verbal abuse, depression, pain and poverty bring upon a person. The crisis and crazy of living this way should be apparent. I'm disappointed in my lack of courage yet I got to express some of the things I worry about missing if I suddenly am gifted with the courage to escape this reality forever. When you have kids, no matter their ages, and you love them from the depths of your soul you don't take ending your life lightly. This isn't some teenager brokenhearted and acting out. This shit is FINAL. You don't get a pass to come back. You don't get a do over. You are here and then you seize to exist. The end. So, in that, a person that knows the value of love is apt to want to feel as though they have finished their business beforehand. That is what we tell ourselves, but we know we will never manage to cover it all. There will always be a regret. That is if there is anything past this. And this my friends is the thought in that moment when you hold the pills in your hand or you make the first cut. Panic. At least for me. In that moment the panic is what takes the courage away and then there is shame for being so weak and knowing that soon enough I will find myself in this moment again so why can't I just do it now? This time I went and attempted to get as much as I could out. It isn't enough, but if I went anytime soon, without further writing, I would at least feel that I said something of importance. I have more but I am long-winded. I did not write nearly enough to my son. I wrote a lot to my daughter. Many pages. I wrote a bit to the masses but in truth, in the end, the kids are most in my thoughts. Everyone else that matters has been privy to this whole ugly thing and this process so they shouldn't have much to question and this blog should fill in any holes, if not, I guess that is life, or is it death? I don't know. I'm still here. I'm neither proud of that fact or horrified. Just tired at the moment. Your judgement is nothing in the big scheme of all this so think what you will. It's a free country (or it once was). 

I take it back.

I DON'T WANT HELP. 
I WANT COURAGE.
I WANT IT TO BE OVER.
I WANT PEACE.
I'M NOT A TAKER BY NATURE AND THIS HAS BEEN TORTURE. BEGGING AND HOPING HAVE KILLED MY SOUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE LIKE THIS BY CHOICE DO IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT BEING LIKE THEM.
SO I TAKE IT BACK...
JUST SEND ME THE COURAGE TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK AND END THE NIGHTMARE ONCE AND FOR ALL. 
I WANT NOTHING ELSE.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND

I REALLY DO NEED HELP.    <<< YOU CAN CLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT IT, OR NOT.

I FOUND THE CONTAINER THAT HOLDS ALL THE TEETH THAT HAVE BROKEN IN THE LAST 2 YEARS... IT'S KIND OF GROSS BUT IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO HAVE SO MANY DEFECTS IN MY MOUTH FOR SO LONG. IT ALSO SUCKS TO FEEL LIKE PEOPLE THINK I MIGHT BE A CRACK WHORE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE WHEN I SMILE NOW YOU CAN SEE THE POST THAT ONCE WAS THE BASE THAT HELD ONE OF THESE PIECES IN PLACE.
SO ANYWAY, WELCOME TO LIFE.

  

the pain is where the wisdom lies

This post was triggered by this photo on FB and someones reaction  which was 'Well said!' Being homeless is hell and everything is a spiritual journey, or everything is not. Period. Circumstance isn't spiritual neither is hunger or abuse, etc. Poverty is poverty. Don't try to make yourselves feel better about that. We lie to ourselves to cover the truth which is almost always guilt and pain. Stop trying to justify the ugly truth of poverty by excusing it as a journey. It isn't. 

At what point do we stop making excuses for our inhumanity? How many times a day do we come across blatant acts of devaluing people and their circumstances or experiences? Does renaming/labeling some person, circumstance or experience a 'spiritual journey' or 'destiny,' or 'Gods way,' or 'your/their path,' or 'karma,' or any number of friggin' words people use today to separate themselves from judgement or from getting off their asses and doing something to help someone really work? Yes, it does because we are a nation full of excuses and labels doing this very thing to our fellow human beings and even ourselves. We include ourselves in these 'feel-good' or 'feel better,' labels. Instead of telling people the truth (or telling ourselves the truth), we fear our own weakness. We fear our humanity. We fear the judgement of others and the rejection and the disappointment. It's hard to be judged by people, harder by the people you love and respect, but the hardest thing to overcome is the disappointment of abandonment by them when you are most in need of acceptance and action wrapped in pure love. Personally, I have my days where i just want to go back to being ignorant but then I realize that would mean I would still be headed on the path of destruction. I don't want to do this again. This is inhumane yet it has been filed with so much truth. I like not getting annoyed by the posts on my Facebook feed, now that I don't have the 200+ friends' I ditched anymore. I liked defriending the people who made me feel like shit because they never showed anything or they were horribly ignorant and such. It felt good to let them go. I'm lonely as fuck but I don't have to cower when I interact with people I should be able to enjoy. Why? Because they were so determined to believe they knew my (or other peoples) circumstance therefore they could judge and remark and assume to the point of triggering me to cut and they were the worst for posting shit that just tried to box and label my pain (and the pain of others) and no matter how hard I tried to give them different ways to view my side they only saw their own. They were closed and boxed tight, even some people who believed they were super open and progressive. Unfortunately, progressiveness does not come with age or book knowledge but with experience and a lot of pain, (whether people want to accept that or not is their problem but the pain is where the wisdom lies). The opportunity to see beyond the visible layers is always, always there for every single one of us. Most will accept things at face value, like people trying to get help by using wording that might trigger guilt or empathy in others when in fact people should be reacting to what they see on the surface and especially below it. We are a nation of advertisers’ right down to our poverty-stricken. We even run most of our 'help' systems now on votes and social networking span and skill. It's repulsive. I'm doing my best to try to scratch the surface of everyone's protective armor and save this fucking planet but to me I only see a path of destruction due to the lack of backbone and honesty towards ourselves first and humanity after. WE ARE CHOOSING TO BE BLIND, WEAK AND DISHONEST TO OURSELVES. If you start with being honest with you and get really good and comfy with that and then begin to get honest with the people in your world and then outside your world you will find that what others think of you stops mattering. That feeling good inside makes everything tolerable because you have a good strong base to stand on and fight, cry, share or support... It's the answer everyone is wasting their lives trying to find. The answer to all things is BE TRUE. Start in truth and then move on in your decisions and paths. Truth can only be found below the layers you are most fearful of infiltrating. You have to pass through then completely to find truth but once you do you will find your need for things like drugs and anything you abuse will lessen or dissipate. You will be running from fewer demons. You will feel stronger internally. I always have given off a strong external appearance but internally I am shaking like a 9.0 earthquake. The older I got the worst the internal quake got. This last few years has forced me into so many frightening places and so much solitary that all there is to do is reevaluate, and such and eventually you have done that to death so you begin digging around in all the deep dark corners and in that you begin to wage a war on your demons.. OK, 'I' began to wage a war on 'my' demons... Anyway, as all mothers will attest, I would really love to be able to keep a few of you from being forced into actually going through the same level of shit and pain I have been enduring to get to your true selves. As I write this though I can clearly hear both of my kids voices saying that although they understand, that they kind of feel like they have to stumble and fall for themselves. I respect that. I was not that kind of person myself. Maybe it was because I lived through so many tragic experiences that I knew I didn't want nor need more of them to learn my lessons. I would take what I could by observing instead. I am more of an observer today than ever before. It is what drives me to fight and to express myself like this and allow myself to face rejection or judgement, I assume. I see too many people that have SO MUCH and see none of it. Come to me and let me point out how incredibly blessed you are, k? Or not. We all still have the right to choose we just have a hell of a lot less to make those choices from these days I guess. (Heavy release of breath)...
I guess I just had one of my morning pre-coffee, pre-Adderall soapbox moments triggered by a photo that for some reason really flipped a switch in me. No, I know why it triggered me because I was once the person in the photo and I wish the world would stop taking photos and start DOING SOMETHING to alter the existence of the subjects they post about. The time could be so much better spent looking for resources for the people or seeing how much help you can gather to offer someone in need the real tangible help they need to move forward. Sustaining seems to be what people not in crisis think is helpful but at some point that is just torture because you want to die damn it. You want the misery to end. You want someone to see you as more than an animal that needs to be fed a bit every day. Humans need to be useful and they need connection and to use their minds and hearts. We need to be seen as viable and visible. Sustaining us is nothing more than watching us wither away slowly and painfully. Like being in a zoo to be observed, but not touched.
And I did it again, rambling on and on... I MUST STOP NOW. OK. I want to keep going BUT I WILL FIGHT IT.... <3
I lied. I added more in a comment on FB:
People don't want to hear it. They want to hear how strong you are or how much you have grown or learned from it. They want you to box it up all tidy and clean so they can consume it and move on. The uglier it is the most likely it is to be real or true. Unless you have observed excessively and deeply dug the trenches of a persons soul with them and seen otherwise (occasionally people do grow and evolve and become super human) the things that give you a twinge of fear, doubt or distrust in people are the things to pay attention to and base your choices on, IMO. The key is to know yourself deep and true enough to not be making those choices based on your own damage. Yo can't do shit until you come to terms with you completely. Even the scary, ugly shit. You have accept it or alter it enough to accept it fully.

The Cramps - Can't Find My Mind

The Bittersweet Blessings of this Life.

My kid has become so fearless!!! I woke up to this in my FB messages:              
So I'm 99% sure I'm going to change my major to mechanical engineering. I already printed out the change form and stuff. This internship has changed my mind on so many things. And it's gonna make my college career a lot longer but I don't want to get a degree in tech writing because it's easy, I'd rather do what I want regardless of how much work it'll be. Engineers get to do the coolest shit and I want to be a part of it all!

I wrote 'became so fearless' because my Baby Girl has had to overcome some anxiety issues over the years that could have held her back severely, but she is a bulldozer when she puts her mind to something and has always managed to do the undo-able. This won't be the first time she has chosen a new path but this one includes becoming a inspiration to all girls at a time when women are being sent back decades by our politicians and religious wack jobs.
That 'internship' she mentioned that changed her life path was this summer working for NASA. Yeah, you read that right. I said NASA. 
So, I may have screwed my own life up in the later years but I will always have proof that for first 40+ years I worked my ass off to overcome the crap of my fucked up life so I could give my kids something honest and true to build their own lives on. They are strong spawn with a serious work ethic, integrity and a desire to be their own people not sheep sleepwalking through life waiting to be told what they want to hear and telling others what they expect to be told. They are definitely my kids. I'll take that proudly with me to the grave. 

The bittersweet blessings of this life.

I'm bummed that I don't have anyone to share this with anymore except here in the void that no one actually reads and one friend in FB. 
Bad luck, bad timing and bad people choices may as well be an infectious disease. Everyone is very sympathetic in the beginning but suddenly they disappear when the reality hits them that 'this could me,' and no one wants to face that truth. No one wants to see in technicolor just how fast and easily they can lose their life. And by life I mean what you worked for and acquired and the people you believed in and the comfort of the patterns and systems we create. The trust we thought we built and the security within those walls of trust. Anyway, I'm a disease and everyone (<most) was too weak and pathetic to be there for or with me so they ran and now i have no one to share these things with. Except here in the void of the interwebs in blogland....

My Whole Life Suddenly Makes Sense

http://projectavalon.net/Dolores_Cannon_The_Three_Waves_of_Volunteers_and_the_New_Earth.pdf
I'm wave one in case anyone is curious...
even my paintings begin to make perfect sense...
and my writings
and dreams
and epiphanies too.

Getting Kicked When You Are Already Down is Cruel

I wish I was dead right this minute. If I have to listen to how I have ruined my mothers life one more time I swear to god... make it stop. She just keeps restarting. I refuse to take responsibility for her choices. I wish I could change the burden I am causing her by existing in her little world and lacking money and resources and friends to rely on and such but she seems to think I want this and it's making me lose it more. I get it. It sucks ass. I've lost all dignity. I am worthless to others. I GET IT. I mean how many times will she tell me how she waited so long for me to never live with her again? She didn't live with me when she was suppose to have been my parent. I lived at my friends house and on the streets. She abandoned me. She packed up and moved away without a word and left my stuff. She acts like I have come to live with her over and over rather than for 3 decades I lived without her except when SHE needed a place to live and then she came to me for a place to live, not the other way around. Hell, even the time we shared the place in Temecula wasn't my idea. I was totally and completely against it, but Paul wanted to do it because he hated the house we had been in for over a decade. And that was the beginning of the lose of my sanity and the entire life I had built for decades. Why am I being punished like this? She should be on Pauls doorstep. I mean if she must blame someone. I didn't kick myself out or cheat or lie or wait until I had total control to decide to show my scumbag side. He did it to me not her and now she punishes me over and over. Gawd, I know what she is going to say word for word before she even starts. I start shaking as soon as I see the body language and hear the tone. 

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck

fuck

Sorry about the rant but I had to do something while she yelled at me...

and I hope you are having a pleasant day! :)

WELCOME TO WHAT POVERTY LOOKS LIKE.

 THIS IS ALL THE FOOD I HAVE IN THE WORLD AND ALL I WILL HAVE SHORT OF A MIRACLE EXCEPT I DON'T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ANYMORE. PEOPLE SUCK AND THE SYSTEM SUCKS. THAT I BELIEVE. I CAN GET BEHIND THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT AS FACT. WITH PEOPLE IT'S AT LEAST 75%-90% TRUE. THE SYSTEM? 100% TRUTH. 

I HOPE NO ONE READING THIS EVER HAS TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. IF YOU STOP AND TRULY CONTEMPLATE THIS REALITY YOU WOULD FIND THAT IT COMES WITH A PLETHORA OF OTHER ISSUES AS WELL, LIKE ANXIETY ATTACKS, HORRIBLE HEALTH REACTIONS TO SO MUCH SHIT AND SO LITTLE NUTRITION (LIKE SKIN ISSUES AND INTESTINAL ISSUES, MENTAL ISSUES AND PAIN TO START. OH AND THE LOVELY FALLING OUT OF ONES HAIR. THAT'S SUPER FUN.) NO ONE CHOOSES THIS LONG-TERM. I CAN ATTEST TO THE FACT THAT IT IS MUCH EASIER TO DO IT IN YOUR TEENS AND TWENTIES VS. DOING IN NEARING YOUR 50'S. IN MY EARLY 20'S I COULD LIVE OFF A DONUT AND WATER. I KNOW 'CAUSE I DID IT. I WAS HUNGRY BUT I FUNCTIONED WELL CONSIDERING AND I COULD STILL CARRY EVERYTHING I OWNED ON MY BACK AND WALK THROUGH MANY CITIES A DAY. IT ISN'T LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT HURTS. A LOT. AND I NEVER ONCE TRULY CONTEMPLATED DYING WHEN I WAS YOUNG, BUT IT IS A 24/7 THOUGHT NOW BECAUSE I CAN NOT FATHOM THE DAY THIS IS ALL GONE. DO I EAT DIRT TO SURVIVE? WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS? I SPEND TONS OF TIME ASKING MYSELF THIS QUESTION AND THEN I HAVE AN ANXIETY ATTACK AND I TRY TO SLEEP BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ANSWERS AND PEOPLE DON'T MUCH CARE. THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THE SECOND HARDEST THING TO ACCEPT. THE FIRST IS LEAVING MY KIDS. THE SECOND IS JUST HOW HORRIBLY PEOPLE SUCK. 

The Trouble with T-Mobil, Texting, and Rural Life.

If people only understood and appreciated how much mental and physical work goes into the sending of a text by me they might be nicer and feel a wee bit more special. So, here is a typical attempt to send a reply. I went on for another minute of hitting 'send' before it finally hit a sweet spot long enough to transfer. Can you see me standing on my bed and going to every corner and level within reach? It's actually worse outside. Go figure. 

All I can say to y'all is stop taking everything for granted. 

Kae Sun - Ship And The Globe - My Death Song (I think)

My death song. 

I hear this non-stop in my sleep. 

I wake up to it. 

It's background music in my dreams. 

It makes me happy and sad, yet it's comforting. 

So, I'm thinkin' it's 'the song.' 

This video is from the K-Drama I love the most and stars my dream crush, Jo In Sung, who is the Asian version of a man I loved but lost touch with about 16 years ago. Oddly his name was Joe too and the water skiing scene is like actually seeing him again for me, which is really nice. 

Since watching these foreign shows and movies is truly what has kept me alive and gotten me through each fucking soul killing minute of the last year or so, it seemed appropriate to use this video rather than the artists video, which for me personally, loses a lot without the connections this one has. Since this blog is basically a diary at this point, for my kids to read someday if they really want to know the ugly bits and pieces; I figured it was important to share more than my pleadings and pain, disappointment, anger and fear, mental break downs, epiphanies, and basic spiral into insanity. This is actually sharing something more personal to me.That may sound crazy but all the ugly painful stuff and soul crushing crap is just my life now. It doesn't at all seem intimate anymore. And since I have pleaded from the mountaintops to the ends of the earth and lost all pride and dignity ages ago, to no avail, I might add, they've all become nothing more than the droning of my minds desperation. 

I wonder what happened to Joe? Too bad he has the absolute most basic of Hispanic names, Jose Luis Garcia. I mean, come ooooon! LOL! And my own name at the time being Michele Powell is a Google search joke! We'd never find one another, even with all today's technology. I can't even remember his birthday, but he was a Gemini and it was in June or July 1967-1970 (somewhere in there). We lived in Vista in North County San Diego and he had a son named Taylor (Tyler? No, Taylor) who would be somewhere around 21 now. Sonja (Sonia?) was Taylor's mom but she moved out of state with him around 2000 I believe. Anyway, we worked at Albertsons together for awhile in Vista, then he worked for a moving company in Oceanside. Graebel movers? Anyway, I always wonder how he is and how Taylor grew up. I hope they are well and happy.

I'd kill to be back in that time slot of 1997 or so. I've pretty much pin-pointed the shifting of my life from normal-ish manageable chaos to slowly working up momentum and spiraling out of control chaos, to mid 1997. Right before my back injury, and meeting my last husband, trading in my car, losing my job, losing my house, moving on base... and meeting P. and his then crazy ass cheating wife who ended up not being as crazy as everyone thought as I now know in spades. 

See people, this is why character is so important. You can't sleep with 3 men at one time (excluding the husband) and then cry wolf to people about how your husband is not what he seems. God damn it if I had just known better though... We have our whole life to redeem ourselves for our bad doings but we can't ever go back and make it right, and that sucks. I know from experience on both sides of the moral coin. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I learned a lot from my mistakes and that is the best kind of redemption; to learn enough to not do it again. In fact, I learned too much and took too much to heart and carried way too much guilt. It's a huge reason why I stayed by P.'s side for 14 years and another year under the same roof making sure all his bills got paid and crap, like a good little wifey. All while getting the joys of listening to him fuck his cheating (on her husband) girlfriend in my old bed and walking in on them not once but twice having oral sex in my living-room... gawd, can't you just hear the howling of my dying dignity?? You'd be amazed what people can put up with to keep a roof over their kids head or their own head.

Sigh...

That went a bit off course. 

O.K.

WAY OFF COURSE.

So here is the video and song.

BTW, It isn't as morbid as you might think to have a death song. Something comforting to listen to on the way out? How is that a bad thing? 

2 YEARS AGO. I GUESS I WAS WAKING UP.

HARD TO BELIEVE I WROTE THIS POST ONE MONTH SHORT OF TWO YEARS AGO. IT SEEMS LIKE DECADES. EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE THINGS GOT WORSE, TO LEVELS EVEN I COULD NOT IMAGE. YET I AM STILL BREATHING, FOR NOW.
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:

My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why.  A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you  see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3
Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM 

Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (original version)

I had no idea this song was about the things it expresses. How many decades has this played in elevators, casinos, sad hole-in-the-wall bars, airports and on and on???? 

Life is disappointing. People are disappointing. Naturally.

Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics

"Alone Again (naturally)" was written by O'sullivan, Gilbert.

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour

I promised myself to treat myself

And visit a nearby tower

And climbing to the top

Will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to who

Ever what it's like when you're shattered

Left standing in the lurch, at a church

Where people are saying

My God that's tough, she stood him up

No point in us remaining

May as well go home

As I did on my own

Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay

Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do

The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down

Reality came around

And without so much as a mere touch

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt

Talk about God and His mercy

For if He really does exist

Why did He desert me

In my hour of need?

I truly am indeed

Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that

There are more hearts

Broken in the world

That can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again naturally

Now looking back over the years

And what ever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty five years old

My mother, God rest her soul

Couldn't understand, why the only man

She had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart

So badly broken

Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken

And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally

Alone again, naturally

Songwriters

O'Sullivan, Gilbert

Published by

Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Read more: Gilbert Osullivan - Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

True Dat

Epic Road Trips Map By American Authors

http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-obsessively-detailed-map-of-american-literatures-most-epic-road-trips

The only 'dream' I have left anymore is the 'road trip' dream. In reality,  it's just another escape method since it's actually living in a car. but being on a road trip sounds a hell of lot less dark. Dontcha think? Plus, I still haven't been anywhere or seen anything. 2/3 of my life is over and I have nothing but life/family/people based experiences. What I mean is that I haven't done any dreamer, youth, fantasy-like stuff in my life. I never even made it to prom. Hell, I was married 3 times and not one of those weddings had anything to do with my desires. Not. One. 

LOL! Too fucking funny. 

I figure it would take a vehicle I could lay flat on my back in (Station wagon? Truck bed?) due to my spinal issues, a decent camera and maybe a recorder as well, gas and food cash and prepaid car insurance for a chunk of time. Oh shit, and a cd player. OMG! I want to listen to music I choose so badly! LOL! Anyway, the rest you figure out in the process. It's much more difficult to prepare (even just in your mind) when you are going it alone. Alone, middle-aged and female with no resources to turn to at all; that's what makes it more difficult since there is no one to rely on to help trouble-shoot and no one to advocate for you either. Actually, that just described most of my life's challenges, so maybe not as daunting as it seems. 

Hmmmm...

Anyway, this is a pretty cool map to check out if you dream of escaping as well!! 

XO

What if kindness was cool? | Jeremy Goldberg | TEDxTownsville