FUCK THE SYSTEM. FUCK SOCIAL SERVICES IDEA OF SUPPORT SERVICES. DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU!

Our system supports the poor taking on tens of thousands of dollars in debt for a certificate that rarely leads anywhere rather than supporting those same people getting an actual degree for nothing or limited debt. Our system does not support the education that will get them further employment and wages. It does not support the education that will lead to higher degrees and wages and more job opportunities. It does not support the education that carries with it a level of respect. Instead it supports a limited area of education that is overflowing with graduates that continue to not be able to find work and is only good in the area trained in. And in fact, our system is penalizing anyone who takes the initiative to get a better education without the tens of thousands in debt. Our system continues to support keeping the poorest of the poor down, not helping them get up and stand tall. Instead if they are lucky enough to actually find work in their limited area of 'expertise' they do it starting off with unimaginable levels of debt. So, they continue to struggle to survive because even though they have now found employment they have all that debt to pay back as well.

Now tell me the system doesn't need to be fixed. Tell me it isn't broken. Tell me there is logic in this system. And if you still are not convinced then let me add that if a person chooses to just sit and rot on aid then they can. All the better for them. Then they do not have the plethora of hoops to jump through to better their situation. And if you add popping out a kid here and there a person can have a pretty cush life. A struggling life but still one not lacking in food, cash, medical, education (if you can really call it that), and any other number of options to pick from.... And with all the bitching and complaining this nation does about having to aid the poor, they punish the poor for what the government has created. For what the government has forced them to choose from. From what the government chooses to support. IT IS YOUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS FUCKING YOU!! IT IS NOT THE POOR! WAKE THE FUCK UP!

22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution 
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment 
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess 
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out. 

So, to clarify this bit from the State Food Stamp Regulation Manual- if you were a student at a 2 year or 4 year college and you were not suspended or expelled and you did not drop out then you will continue to be 'a student' whether you are enrolled or not. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, right? So this means that you do not qualify for aid. You must be suspended, expelled, graduate or drop out to qualify for aid again. That's the way to support education? LOL! If you just couldn't afford a semester or lost your transportation or were sick or any number of other issues people face daily then you are still fucked. But if you 'drop out' you lose all your funding for the future. Same thing if you are suspended or expelled.. Our system supports these negatives. Amazing.

http://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/students
Most able-bodied students ages 18 through 49 who are enrolled in college or other institutions of higher education at least half time are not eligible for SNAP benefits. However, students may be able to get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible and they:

Get public assistance benefits under a Title IV-A program; 
THIS IS A LIE. THE PROGRAMS ARE LISTED BUT ONLY ONE- FEDERAL WORK STUDY- IS ACKNOWLEDGED. THIS WAY THEY CAN DENY YOU IN BETWEEN SEMESTERS AND SUCH, THEY ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS WHEN THEY CAN USE THEM TO WORK AROUND THE TITLE IV-A CLAUSE. OTHERWISE, THEY DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS, VACATION TIME, OR RECESS SO BASICALLY THEY ACCEPT NOTHING AS NON-SCHOOL TIME EXCEPT WHEN IT AFFECTS TITLE IV-A. 

Take part in a State or federally financed work study program; THIS IS WHAT THEY ACKNOWLEDGE. GRANTS AND SUCH DO NOT GET ACKNOWLEDGED AT ALL UNTIL IT COMES TO WHAT CAN AND CAN NOT BE JUDGED AS INCOME AGAINST YOUR AID. IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT THEY SAY YOUR GRANTS CAN NOT BE USED AGAINST YOUR HOUSEHOLDS INCOME LIMITS. BUT IF YOU ARE IN SCHOOL AND GETTING THESE GRANTS THEN YOU ARE ALSO BEING FORCED TO WORK A MINIMUM OF 20 HOURS A WEEK, SO YOUR AID IS NOW DROPPED TO AT LEAST HALF OF WHAT IT WAS, WHICH EQUATES TO MAYBE $90 OR LESS  IN SNAP/FOODSTAMPS A MONTH. NOT REALLY WORTH THE HASSLE RIGHT?

Work at least 20 hours a week; <<<<<< AND THERE IT IS

Are taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 6;

Are taking care of a dependent household member over the age of 5 but under 12 and do not have adequate child care to enable them to attend school and work a minimum of 20 hours, or to take part in a State or federally financed work study program; or

Are assigned to or placed in a college or certain other schools through:

A program under the Workforce Investment Act of 1998, <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL

A program under Section 236 of the Trade Act of 1974,
>>>>Sec. 31-236-57. Eligibility of an individual in training approved under the Trade Act 
of 1974
a. The Administrator shall not deny benefits to an otherwise eligible individual for any 
week because he is in training approved under Section 236(a)(1) of the Trade Act of 
1974, or because he left work to enter such training, provided the work left is not 
suitable work, or because, during any week he was in such training, the 
Administrator found he was unavailable for work, failed to make reasonable efforts 
to obtain work or refused to accept work.
b. For purposes of this regulation, "suitable work" means, with respect to an 
individual, work of a substantially equal or higher skill level than the individual’s 
past adversely affected employment, as defined for purposes of the Trade Act of 
1974, and wages for such work at not less than eighty percent of the individual’s 
average weekly wage as determined for purposes of the Trade Act of 1974.<<<< UM, AND WHEN HAS A CERTIFICATE REALLY MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH THIS IN TODAYS NEW WORLD? THAT IS WITHOUT THE THOUSANDS IN DEBT THE STUDENT WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE ON. YOU WOULD THINK GETTING AN ACTUAL DEGREE WOULD FALL UNDER THIS ACT THESE DAYS. EMPLOYERS ARE REQUIRING A DEGREE TO FLIP BURGERS IN MANY CASES. 

An employment and training program under the Food Stamp Act, or <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL

An employment and training program operated by a State or local government. <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL

Also, a single parent enrolled full time in college and taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 12 can get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible. AND HERE IS WHERE THOSE KIDS COME IN TO PLAY AGAIN....

http://foodstampguide.org/11a-special-rules-for-students/
Exceptions
Individuals can get food stamps if they meet one of the following requirements. [7 C.F.R. §§ 273.5 (b); MPP § 63-406.211.]
LIES!
Employed 20 hours a week based on a reasonably anticipated monthly average [ACL 12-37]; or
Receiving federal or state work-study money. AND HERE IS WHERE YOU FIND THE LIE>>>>>>“Receiving” means when the student is approved for state or federally work study (NO MENTION OF THOSE GRANTS AND STUFF HERE, HUH?!) for the current school term, and anticipates working during the term. The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the school term ends [MPP § 63-406.212]; or

63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.121 If mental or physical unfitness for employment is claimed and the unfitness is not 
evident to the CWD, verification shall be required. Appropriate verification may consist 
of receipt of temporary or permanent disability benefits issued by governmental or 
private sources, or a statement from a physician or licensed or certified psychologist.  ( I WAS NEVER ASKED ABOUT THIS NOR WAS I TOLD WHY I WAS BEING DENIED AND FINED FOR THE TEMPORARY AID RECEIVED UNTIL AFTER BEING BILLED AND AFTER MULTIPLE REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION THAT I WAS NOT GRANTED I WAS FORCED TO DO THE RESEARCH YOU ARE NOW READING JUST TO UNDERSTAND AND CLARIFY WHAT THIS BITCH  PERSON WAS BASING HER CLAIM ON. SO I AM A STUDENT EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT REGISTERED OR ENROLLED IN ANY COURSES OVER THE SEMESTER IN PROGRESS AT THE TIME OF MY REQUEST FOR AID BASED ON THIS PILE OF BULLSHIT THAT SOME ASSHOLES BUREAUCRATS PUT TOGETHER FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE POOR PEOPLE. AMAZING HOW MUCH TIME COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF SHE HAD DONE HER JOB AND ANSWERED MY NUMEROUS REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION. THAT LACK OF AN ANSWER THOUGH, THAT WAS AGAINST THE RIGHTS OF THE APPLICANT. SHE IS REQUIRED TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, WHICH SHE DID NOT. SO I AM FUCKED BUT MAYBE THIS WILL BE A TINY LOOPHOLE? I DOUBT IT BUT CRAZIER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.)
.2 Eligibility Requirements. 
.21 In order to be eligible to participate in the Food Stamp Program, any student (as defined in 
Section 63-406.1) shall meet at least one of the following criteria on the date of the interview: 
.211 Be employed for a minimum of twenty hours per week and be paid for such employment 
or, if self-employed, be employed for a minimum of 20 hours per week and receive gross 
weekly earnings at least equal to the federal minimum wage multiplied by 20 hours; 
(See Section 63-408.111 and Section 63-502.112). 
 CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS 
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03 
 Page 177  FOOD STAMP REGULATIONS 
63-406 (Cont.) ELIGIBILITY STANDARDS Regulations 
63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.212 Be approved for state or federally financed work study for the current school term, as 
defined by the institution, and anticipate working during the term. 
The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is 
approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the 
school term ends, or it becomes known that the student refused a work assignment. 
The exemption shall not continue between terms when there is a break of a full month or 
longer unless the student is participating in work study during the break.

22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution 
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment 
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess 
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out. 
.221 Student eligibility criteria shall be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants 
who are students as defined in Section 63-406.1. The student eligibility criteria shall 
also be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants who are noncontinuing 
students in the final month of student status. <<<< SO I ASSUME THIS WOULD MEAN THE DROP-OUTS, GRADUATES, SUSPENDED OR EXPELLED? NOT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ENROLLED IN CLASSES FOR THE PREVIOUS/CURRENT SEMESTER. WHAT A FUCKING PILE OF BULLSHIT.
 CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS 
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03 
 Page 179

Why I 'Get' Suicide

So one of this planets funniest and most lovely comedians took his life today. When I read it it hit me like a brick. I cried and mourned this mans pain and decision to stop it, but I also got it. I do. I get it. When you are battling depression in a time when deceit and ugliness are ruling the world it's like drowning, coming near death and being pulled back up only to drift back out and down again. People are cruel. The world is overflowing with cruel people, many running the systems that control our lives. But it isn't just the big bad people in government and politics or Hollywood, but the little people just waiting for an opportunity to negatively affect other peoples lives. Often and sadly, they look for those in need the most to torture. I know this personally. It seems to never end. I currently have everything I own on Craigslist and I just wasted 2 weeks getting my hopes up by yet another waste of flesh out to deceive. What is the worst part are not the hours and days spent photographing every damn thing I own for this person or sitting in a bedroom surrounded by piles of my life that are suffocating me because I need money more than I need stuff, but it is the way this person continually led me on. The way they got not only my hopes up but my sons as well and the way they affirmed repeatedly that they wanted everything and they were going to come pick it up. It always amazes me how people can make set plans and then just disappear. No integrity. No common decency. Not even an god damn excuse. Just nothing. Every single time I get my hopes up, and it takes a lot for me to even begin to have hope anymore, these 'people' just disappear. My sister in law, my so called best friend, craigslist people in numbers too high to think about, my parents, friends (not all but far far too many), they all get my hopes up and then just fucking disappear. This even when I have pleaded with them to please not make any offers they plan on not following through with because it triggers this 'desire to go' in such a way that it takes weeks to overcome. One day I will not find a way to overcome it anymore. I am already at the stage where to end it does not even create an emotion in me anymore. No fear or dread. That scares me more than anything else and it is so easily avoided if people would just stop. Stop pretending to care. Stop talking when you have nothing of value to say. Just stop. STOP. I wonder if Robin was battling something like this. I wonder if he was tired of all the fake people and all their words. I wonder if he could have been saved by something so simple as a little integrity and hope. I wonder. I wonder. I wonder. 

You Instead (Acoustic Version) [Official Music Video]

Tonight You're Mine - Soundtrack

25 Characteristics You May Find In Those Who Are Awakening

The Link To The Original Piece...        I AM 22 OUT OF THE 25. ONE I CHOOSE AND THE OTHER TWO I AM WORKING ON AS THEY BOTH SOMEWHAT RELATE TO ONE ANOTHER. HOW DID YOU SCORE? TRUTHFULLY?

There is no doubt the Earth is evolving spiritually. People are experiencing intense changes within their life, work, behaviors and personal relationships. Many are awakening at a rate that can only be described as phenomenal. So how do we know if we are awakening? Here are 25 common characteristics you may find in yourself and others.

Some of you may experience things not on this list and I encourage you to share your experiences in the comments below. We are all unique and many of us are experiencing phenomenon that are difficult to explain at this time. We are all learning from each other.

1. Being in public places is sometimes overwhelming. Since our walls between self and other are dissolving, we haven’t really learned to distinguish between someone else’s energy and our own. If the general mood of the crowd is herd-like or negative, we can feel this acutely, and may feel like retreating into our own private space. When we have recharged our batteries with meditation, spending time in nature, far away from other people, or just sitting in quiet contemplation, we are ready to be with the masses again. In personal relationships, we often will feel someone else’s emotions as our own. It is important to have this higher sense of empathy, but we must learn to allow another person’s emotions while observing them and keeping our empathy, but, realizing that not all emotions belong to us. Social influence can dampen our own innate wisdom.

2. We understand our current paradigm, more than we understand ourselves. We see the big picture and marvel and the duality of our world including why polarity consciousness has brought us to where it has today. We no longer see life choices and right or wrong, good or bad, just choices defined by the neutral frequencies that we later define. Unity consciousness is allowing us to spread the message of unity consciousness to all of humanity that will allow us to heal our division and change the misery of our human beings to abundance within a global community filled with love for each other and not fear of each other.

3. We know things without having to intellectually figure them out. Often called intuitive awareness, we have ‘a-ha’ moments and insights that can explain some of the most complex theories or phenomenon in the world. Some of the most brilliant minds of our time just ‘know.’ Adepts and sages often were given downloads of information from higher states of consciousness after meditating or being in the presence of a more conscious individual; this is happening for more people with more frequency. As we trust our intuition more often, it grows stronger. This is a time of ‘thinking’ with our hearts more than our heads. Our guts will no longer be ignored. Our dreams are becoming precognitive and eventually our conscious thoughts will be as well.

4. We acknowledge our imperfection and how beautiful it is to be an imperfect version of our true selves. We thrive on challenging only ourselves, and not through competition at the expense of another, especially since we have no need to judge those who are exactly where they need to be.

5. Watching television or most of main stream media, including newspapers and many Hollywood movies is very distasteful to us. The mindset that creates much, but not all, of the programming on television and in cinema is abhorrent. It commodifies people and promotes violence. It reduces our intelligence and numbs our natural empathetic response to someone in pain.

6. We no longer have a need to attach our love to material things, understanding that it only leads to misery because we are not learning to love ourselves and others. The mentality only leads to further acquisition of more things. Although things too are part of consciousness, they do not allow humans to accelerate the mass consciousness required to change the world. Only love for ourselves and others can do that. Love is knowing the deservability and worthiness of all. We are loved so unconditionally by Creation that we can even choose to believe that we are not loved.

7. Lying to us is nearly impossible. We may not know exactly what truth you are withholding, but we can also tell that something isn’t right. We also know when you have other emotions, pain, love, etc. that you aren’t expressing. You’re an open book to us. We aren’t trained in counter-intelligence, we are just observant and knowing. While we may pick up on physical cues, we can look into your eyes and know what you are feeling.

8. We may pick up symptoms of your cold, just like men who get morning sickness when their wives are pregnant. Sympathy pains, whether emotional or physical, are something we experience often. We tend to absorb emotion through the solar plexus, considered the place we ‘stomach emotion’ so as we learn to strengthen this chakra center, we may sometimes develop digestive issues. Grounding to the earth can help to re-establish our emotional center. Walking barefoot is a great way to re-ground.

9. We tend to root for the underdog, those without voices, those who have been beaten down by the matrix, etc. We are very compassionate people, and these marginalized individuals often need more love. People can sense our loving hearts, so complete strangers will often tell us their life stories or approach us with their problems. While we don’t want to be a dumping ground for everyone’s issues, we are also a good ear for those working through their stuff.

10. We don’t feel the need to awaken every person we see. Within a few sentences we can interpret their level of comfort in discussions relating to consciousness. When necessary, we plant a seed and if it’s meant to grow it will. We understand that attempting to awaken those who are not ready is toxic to their sensibilities.

11. If we don’t learn how to set proper boundaries, we can get tired easily from taking on other people’s emotions. Energy Vampires are drawn to us like flies to paper, so we need to be extra vigilant in protecting ourselves at times.

12. We are all becoming healers. We naturally gravitate toward healing fields, acupuncture, reiki, Qi-Gong, yoga, massage, midwifery, etc. are fields we often find ourselves in. We know that the collective needs to be healed, and so we try our best to offer healing in whatever form we are most drawn to. We also turn away from the ‘traditional’ forms of healing ourselves. Preferring natural foods, herbs, and holistic medicine as ways to cure every ailment.

13. We see the possibilities before others do. Just like when the church told Copernicus he was wrong, and he stood by his heliocentric theory, we know what the masses refuse to believe. Our minds are light-years ahead.

14. We are creative. We sing, dance, paint, invent, or write. We have amazing imaginations.

15. We fully accept that we can only attract what is within our vibrational field. There are no experiences that we can obtain in physical form without attracting them from a vibrational perspective. That includes the most horrific experiences and the most beautiful ones. What we are learning to do is accept relationships and experiences for what they are. People and experiences are serving as reflections to teach us something about ourselves.

16. We don’t question what love is, why it is or how it presents itself. We know it is everywhere, in everyone and everything, all permeating and infinite.

17. We require more solitude than the average person.

18. We might get bored easily, but we are really good at entertaining ourselves.

19. We have a difficult time doing things we don’t want to do or don’t really enjoy. We really do believe life was meant to be an expression of joy. Why waste it doing something you hate? We aren’t lazy, we are discerning.

20. We are obsessed with bringing the truth to light.

21. We don’t live in fear of anything. Any and all changes coming, no matter how much they are perceived as negative or dramatic on our Earth, are being designed by us. We have past the point of no return and the Earth is ascending to a higher state of consciousness. Nothing will stop it now.

22. We can’t keep track of time. Our imaginations often get away with us and a day can feel like a minute, a week, a day.

23. We abhor routine.

24. We often disagree with authority (for obvious reasons). Some people call it “anarchy” without a true understanding of what that word or our governments really are.

25. We will often be kind, but if you are egotistical or rude, we won’t spend much time with you or find an excuse to not hang out with people who are obsessed with themselves. We don’t ‘get’ people who are insensitive to other people’s feelings or points of view.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Josh Richardson is a blogger, healer, and a constant pursuer of the natural state of human consciousness. 

Credits: John Richardson, Prevent Disease, Guest contributor.

Sometimes I See Things in My Dreams. Sometimes They Come True. The Answer to Life Via My Dreams.

 The internal structure of existence.

Every new possibility we discover brings us closer to the end (as a whole universe). Every new tear in the fabric of life weakens our base, our humanity, our existence and our time. I saw a drawing of this as well. A visual to help me understand. I wish I could recreate it and post it as well but I don't have any of those cool tools on my laptop.

If we stopped digging, searching so hard; if we savored more we could slow it down. We could prolong existence by focusing more on enjoying and ‘living in it,’ being present rather than ‘possibilities.’ Once the last new possibility has been thought, it will all go black. It will all cease. Existence will end.

To ask who, what, why, is the road to insanity, as there can be no answer to existence, no end and no answer. It is all a circle. A connected, ‘it,’ a vicious cycle, that there is no end to, ever. That is, unless we hit ‘black,’ which is the last new possibility being thought.

Every new thought (new as in never before thought by anyone), every new answer brings another thought or new possibility and new problems to solve or reasons why something else will or will not work. It is a cycle that there can be no end to until there is nothing new to consider.

Everything we do alters the structure of the integrity of humankind, of the universe. This includes the pursuit of ‘progress’ and personal growth to the degree that we are never satisfied with what is right there waiting to be acknowledged, appreciated, loved and fully seen,  perfect in imperfection.

Our connection to everything makes life’s answer simple.

Internal not external.

Personal connections, not impersonal ones.

Focus on what lives and breathes, not what is dead and gone or never was.

Sharing.

Helping.

Accepting.

Knowing what you can and cannot live with and letting go of the cannot’s without anger or animosity.

Accepting the cans without the expectation that they might not one day become cannots.

Oh, and I die in a car by being rear-ended. I am a passenger. Our vehicle is not moving on impact.

The rest is personal. J

Humbling or Degrading?

When your life has hit the point where you have to post on Facebook begging anyone who has the means to please loan you food money, you know you have hit rock bottom. Doing it a second time in 8 months is just degrading, and disappointing, but mostly degrading. Trying to work through the SNAP system feels about the same way as well. To have your aid stopped with no clear reason as to why is downright infuriating. I know it is not legal either, but they make it so damn difficult to understand the 'rules' of SNAP that even I, the warrior of the system and it's tactics, can't seem to pin down exactly what is needed to fight back. SNAP is now being run just like Social Security/Disability Insurance. They deny you without any clear reason so that fighting it is almost impossible. If they don't give clear reason then you are just wading through piles of shit trying to pinpoint the actual cause you are going to fight. This country is shit now and for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, give it time. Most of us wouldn't have believed it either a few years ago. Once you have your life altering event that drags you down to the bottom you will see how they make it impossible to climb back up.
Peace.

The Color Oracle. Freaky Accurate and Affirming As Well. Nice to be affirmed.

http://www.astro.com/horoscopes

ME 07/26/2014

Introduction

You have selected the colors that you currently find most pleasing and most unpleasing. Read the interpretive texts for your selections in the following paragraphs. In the case of some colors, you will find an additional question or suggestion which can help you deal with a subject area in more depth.

Keep in mind that your unconscious plays a major role in the selection of the colors. As it is the case when laying tarot cards, it is inadvisable to repeat the color test too often because otherwise, the quality of the interpretation quickly fades. Take in the texts, and let them work on you, even those you may find somewhat uncomfortable or provocative.

The Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss art instructor, therapist and astrologer Johannes Schneider. Astrodienst also has on offer his "Color Horoscope"- the delineation of the birth chart in combination with psychological color interpretation.

Your General Disposition

At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for recognition. You find it important that other people accept and appreciate you and view you as competent. For this reason, you try hard to have everything – including yourself – under control, to know your way around everything and if necessary to take on unpleasant tasks. You believe you have to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of because, at the moment, your sense of self-esteem is fragile.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing

Of great importance to you now is...

...vigorous effort.

You need a task that inspires you and allows you to give your all. If serious demands are made on your abilities or your strengths, you mobilize all your creativity and really stay on the ball in order to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of. If your efforts are acknowledged, you are prepared to do your best. Should someone approach you with unfair demands or, even worse, with outright injustice, however, you resolutely fend them off. At present you are working particularly hard for...

You can ask yourself:

...vigorous self-assertion.

You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigor. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection. You utilize a major portion of your powers for...

You can ask yourself:

...crisis-proof existential survival.

You need the comforting certainty of having a solid base in your life. Stable living conditions, adequate income and sensual pleasure and a certain measure of comfort are among your life goals. You want to be secure against the whims of fate and to be able to devote yourself without distraction to the things that give you satisfaction. For this reason, you resolutely apply yourself to the task of creating a crisis-proof existence, despite any obstacles which might appear. The thing you consider very important for your sense of wellbeing is...

...unwavering stability.

Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from my...

...obtaining sufficient funds.

It is very important to you to have enough money at your disposal so that you can afford whatever you wish to have or do. For this reason, you are currently spending more time thinking about your finances, and you anxiously deliberate on how you could obtain the necessary money. The certainty that you have sufficient funds strengthens your sense of self-worth and helps you to meet other people with confidence. You have unrealistic expectations regarding your...

...optimistic self-encouragement.

Again and again, you consciously adopt a positive inner attitude. This helps you to better stand up under the hardships of the present. You create goals, projects or ideals for yourself that give you a boost and the hope that your life will be better and happier. You search for ways and means which allow you to enjoy life without care and to spend more time devoting yourself to the things that bring you joy.

Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant

At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...

...gruelling test of nerves.

Your sense of wellbeing is negatively affected by stressful circumstances. You often feel misunderstood, unfairly treated or left at the mercy of the unacceptable behavior of a person who is important to you. You don't want to let on that you are aggravated by this, and you keep your irritation to yourself. Inside you, though, the accumulated resentment strains your nerves. For this reason, you are not very emotionally resilient at this time. You assume an air of exaggerated superiority despite your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...distressing relationship problems.

At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...

Your unconscious advises you to:

...exhaustingly stressful situation.

The difficulties you are presently forced to deal with sometimes cause you distress and tax your energies. Instead of altering or leaving this situation, you heroically attempt to hold on and to act as if nothing were bothering you. In this way, you overextend yourself and become the victim of your own ambitious need to prove how strong you are. Your momentum has faded considerably due to your...

...burdensome situation of suffering.

You believe people should behave correctly, considerately and kindly towards you so that your interactions run pleasantly and without friction. Since this is frequently not the case, you often become indignant over their incorrect behavior and views or their lack of kindness. You easily get the feeling of being someone's innocent victim and believe you have every right to be outraged. You also suffer quite a bit due to your...

...frustrating situation.

You are in an unpleasant situation that hinders you from doing the things that are in line with your inclinations and needs. You find this all the more frustrating because you basically believe that someone who plays an important role in your life is to be blamed for your unfortunate situation. With this belief, you create a comfortable position for yourself and stand in the way of improving your circumstances. You try in vain not to let yourself be impaired by your...

...painful sense of loneliness.

Your need for loving company and tender physical contact is not being satisfied in the measure you would like. Your hunger for warm-hearted attention drives you to seek contact. Although you hold close association with a few people, when the interaction is over, you often feel lonely and left to your own devices. It saddens you to find so little understanding and responsiveness towards your needs and difficulties.

The Color Oracle

This Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss astrologer and art instructor Johannes Schneider. During several decades of research and practice, he investigated the effect of color on the psyche. He first published his findings on these effects under the name "Color-O-Scope" which included 25 small colored wooden plaques for use in selecting the colors.

The online version available here utilizes the same hues as the original product. The method of color selection is also identical. Since the representation of the colors is dependent on the color fidelity of the display screen in use, slight deviations in color may nonetheless occur, and Astrodienst has no control over this.

Until further notice the Color Oracle will be offered to visitors free of charge. You will also find on this website another horoscope interpretation by the same author which is based on astrology and psychology, the "Color Horoscope" by Johannes Schneider.

Can you feel the heat too?

I wanted to die.

I did not want to die.

I wanted the struggle,

The pain,

The disappointment

And the loneliness

To end

I wanted to believe that it would.

I wanted to have faith that someone decent would acknowledge my pain

And me

And the massive loss that I experienced, and continued to experience

Every moment

Of every second

Of every

Single

Day.

Nevertheless,

No one noticed.

There was no knight in shining armor

Or

Faithful friend.

No one to express any emotion to

Or with.

And certainly

No one offering a hand to hold

Or a path to follow.

There was

Quite frankly

Not much more

Than immense disappointment

At the human race,

At the universe.

Disappointment

At the deities

And all the other powers that might be.

 So I cut.

And I sliced.

And I fought the echo that said,

“Do it.”

“Cut it open”

“Sliced it to shreds.”

“End it.”

“Make it stop.”

“Finally.”

“Do it.”

“DO it.”

“DO IT!”

So I shake

And I rattle

And I roll

And cry like nothing I have ever known.

And I remember my promise

To try

To fight this too

As long as I can.

But

I am always aware

That it is

right

there.

Waiting for me

To accept the inevitable.

To just let go.

To stop fighting.

To stop surviving.

To just

Let

Go.

LET.

GO.

And when it has passed

And has become

Just

A distant buzz

For now

I look up and read

If I am going to be alive,

Then

I might as well

Be incredible…

And that

Makes me laugh

Because I am incredibly sad

Incredibly lonely

Incredibly tired

Of this incredibly

Vacant

“Life”

This incredibly ugly world

Were the true suffer

And the false are awarded

No matter how badly disguised

They continue to collect

The beautiful things

That so many of us

Yearn for

And so many others

Dismiss.

I wanted to die.

I did not want to die.

I wanted the struggle,

The pain,

The disappointment

And the loneliness

To end

I wanted to believe that it would.

On the Rare Better Days...

"Last Hope"- PARAMORE

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive

Alive

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh
Ahhh

Ohhh
Ohhh

Green Tara Mantra

That Ain't Love

Here is an email I received from my mother today. Below it you will find my reply that I have not sent because when you have nowhere to go and nothing else to survive you may as well be in a fucking cell waiting to die. You have no voice. No right to express yourself or even to protect yourself from others attacks. It's truly an ugly way to live...

Michele val has decided that she wants to sue her landlord and wants me to come and talk to her but I not going until tomorrow. I wanted to know who she should contact because I just know whats wrong and illegal but not who to call. Also I don't think she wants to sue that means a lawyer etc in any case . Anyway could u send over that info for me. Also that garbage in the hall was to go in the trash it smells whats wrong with u are u so lazy u cant dump your garbage. I am not doing all this stuff any more and you are going to start cooking in the kitchen if u want to cook. The other frig is getting turned off and I don't want any cooking anywhere but in the kitchen and also I want that vent in your room opened and your window closed when the air is on. If u r cold go outside but I want the window closed and the air vent open. I have been paying almost 100 a month more than last year in electric and last year I used the air all day every day and my bill was 161.00 this month it was 267.00 I have ha a higher bill every month that u guys have been here and its getting worse . I believe all your toaster oven slow cooker coffee pot and the little frig are causing much of it. Also all the different things u have hooked up for your tv I don't have the money to pay anymore of these bills. And if u don't want to go by my rules than find somewhere else to go . I didn't sign on for 2 adults without jobs to move in forever. I can not do this anymore I want my house back and that's the way it has to be. I am sorry and I love u but its been 2 weeks short of 8 months and the 2 of u r here all the time 24/7 never come outside never offer to help me with the yard or anything else to compensate for not paying rent or utilities I don't get any satisfaction out u being here and not doing anything except taking up space in my house. I don't get conversation I don't get anything out of this except that I am being used and I am used up. U should be outside in the fresh air doing something but u re determined to just stay in there. Well not any more . I will sell this house and then what will u do? U better do something fast because I have done way more than I ever had planned on doing. U have no intentions of working and u r ruining camerons life by keeping him stuck here because he cant drive u shold have gotten him a drivers license 10 years ago.U should be working not living off his unemployment and living here. Whats he going to do when u die and he cant drive or get a job. It looks to me as though without him u r fucked and u are fucking him up by doing this to him. I still cant believe u let him quit his job as though I wanted 2 grown adults without any money to move in on me . U are not a stupid person and u both would never have gotten in the door if not for the fact u r my family but that only goes so far and I just don't care anymore about anything except my life which sucks.

And here is the reply that I want so badly to send as I have kept my voice quite almost completely thus far, and it is killing me.

A. I didn't plan on being here past March. I have no control over the horrendous run of bad fucking luck I have encountered while being here. It amazes how lacking and downright cold you are to that fact. Losing my food stamps and my financial aid plus it taking almost 3 months for Camerons unemployment to finally go through really fucked us hard and there was no way to know it beforehand. Thanks for all the understanding. 

 

B. Don't ask me for a favor and then rip me a thousand new holes. It lacks tact.

C. Your electric bills were in the 170's before we arrived and went up $40 after. I have given you every extra penny I have had even though I could have used that for food I still did it. It hasn't been much but it's more than you gave us when you lived with us for a year and 4 months. We don't use the air. It isn't for us, and you don't run it for us. As for the cooking, you are the one who forced me to use that damn kitchen area and YOU set the god damn thing up. And as usual you blame me for it. I am so sick of being your fucking 'at fault' go to person. Ever since grandpa died it seems everything is my fault no matter how insane the issue may be. 

D. I have had the goddamn vent open for a week. And I freeze my ass off most of the time. I know you don't give a fuck but its fact. 

I leave my window open because this room is like a cell or a cage and having it closed makes me want to explode in anxiety. So sorry that it puts you out.

E. Cameron and I have applied for all the job openings out here 2 and 3 times. It isn't our fault that this place is a fucking hell hole of doom. EVERYONE is applying for the jobs here (all three of the places hiring, actually two and one that says they are in the paper but actually are not). And Cameron has been working in yards to pay his bills and I am selling stuff to cover the difference, so stop fucking talking shit about my son. I am sick of it. 

F. And we don't do anything for you because no one but you can do anything right. If I vacuum you revacuum. If I wash the towels you rewash them. NOTHING I DO SATISFIES YOU. NOTHING. If I tell you no I don't want something or need something you do it anyway and them fucking blame me later for YOUR choice to do it. You amaze me. 

G. I don't converse with  you because you have this amazing way of finding a way to jab and make stabs no matter what the topic may be. My life is shit. I don't need you to remind me of it every god damn time I talk to you. And I am perfectly aware that you are struggling but guess what? So are we. I don't bitch at you about it every time I see you, but I listen to you when you go off on me or bitch about Val doing exactly what you do to me. And I say nothing. 

H. Cameron has no unemployment. It ended last month. He doesn't drive because my car is so fucking illegal we can't risk him driving it. And all your talking shit about letting me use the truck to teach him was just that, shit. And in the past it is none of your business as to why he didn't drive. I did not force him to come here. He chose to come. And every god damn minute I regret his choice. Every damn second I want to die for him being here and dealing with shit. EVERY SECOND. And I should add here... WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE? WAS IT YOU? HELL THE FUCK NO. YOU HAD CHECKED THE FUCKED OUT AGAIN BY THAT TIME.  I TAUGHT MYSELF AND THEN BOB'S DAD FINISHED IT OFF. So stop fucking finger pointing like you were some goddamn epic parent. You weren't. I have plenty of other people to back that shit up. Friends AND their parents. None of this would mean anything if you didn't fucking just have to put yourself on that pedestal you alone built. I don't KNOW where you think you were when I was growing up but it sure as shit wasn't where I was...  and I got past almost all of that and you just have to dig it all up again and again. You're sick you know that? You can't appreciate that I let most of that go and still let you in my life. Hell no. You have to fucking drudge it all up and rewrite the story to appease your total fantasy of what life is and was. You and Paul are the two most unhappy people I have ever known in my entire life and you both do that same damn thing. You rewrite what happened to kid yourself into believing you are a victim or the martyr. And where has it gotten you both? Nowhere. You are both still the most unhappy people ever. Well, except for me now. You have managed to take me down too. Maybe I should leave you an award for that? I am sure you have plenty of satisfaction knowing that. It has been your end goal all along anyway. To make me break. To make me miserable. To make me pay for loving you. Bravo!

I. Bob said he would take Cameron when summer ends and his wifes kids leave the house. At that point I will go live in my car or kill myself. The later sounds like the best option and I am planning it now. So that should help you to feel better. You will never have to see nor hear from me again. It can be as if I never existed. You should like that. I just wonder who you will blame when I am gone. 

J. I just want to thank you for all your heartfelt support and how much you have had my back through all the shit Paul put me through and all the shit that came later as well. It has been truly lovely to have so much support and care. If only that was true. If only you just once felt what I have gone through and lost and have been forced to bow down to. Particularly the year and half I took so much degrading shit to avoid ending up here. I knew it would be bad, but you have shown me a new level of heartlessness and hypocrisy. God. I would kill to have a paid off home and a check coming in every month and a car to drive and all the choices you have. Sadly, all you see is the mess you make and have always made and never how you choose and create it all. I spent my entire life trying to do the right thing. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I never partied, ever. I have never once been in trouble. I was a fucking ace child. I have been a hands on parent since I was 21 years old. I have brought up two amazing kids that I could never ever express my pride in. I have gone back to school in my 40's and been an honor roll student for 3 out of my 4 years. And still I ended up just like you. Alone. Angry and doomed. You have no fucking idea how it feels to know that I have barely lived and I am already at the end of it all. At least you got to party most of your life and be selfish by making choices you wanted rather than what was best for your child. Beyond being a parent my entire life has been for nothing. And you have quite successfully reminded of this every single chance you have gotten. Thanks for that. 

K. And if we had a way to leave right this second we would go. Period. If we had a vehicle Cameron would have a job in Temecula, but we don't. We can barely get food and you don't give a fuck about that either. You know, I know a lot and I mean A LOT of parents whose kids are living with them. Most of them pay for their kids food, clean up after them, do their laundry, watch their kids, pay their bills and their kids use their stuff, steal from them and bring people into their homes. You have no idea how fucking decent you have it even if it isn't a great situation. I don't eat your food, leave messes in your kitchen, use your living room, bring people over, steal from you or even borrow money from you. I help when I can and I do what you allow me to do, even when I know you will remind how I am doing it wrong. I am horrified by the way you villainize me. Just fucking horrified. Pam was horrified by the things you were screaming at her about me. I am horrified by the things you tell Joanne. Telling her you are going to sell the house to get away from us as if we want to be here. As if I don't spend every second trying to figure out how the fuck to get away from here. As if I chose to be stuck here past March. As if I knew I would end up in the fucking hole of hell. I had no idea. NONE. I had no plan nor desire to be here past march, actually no desire to be here at all but I was stuck. Period. And we did it for you when you were stuck. I wasn't happy about it but we did it for you. And I took shit all the way around the entire time. From Paul, the kids the neighbors and the goddamn city. I have piles of notices from the city from when you were with us. Did I abuse you for it? No. Did we kick you out for it? No. Did it help to really fucking begin to destroy my relationship that was already on shaky ground. Yes, it did. You will never ever know how much shit I took for you. How much shit I have taken most of my life. You don't care and you never will. You never have truly grasped love. Your idea of love is so fucking warped it is amazing that you have survived this long. You love money and you love having someone to blame. That isn't love. You are a narcissist. Classic, textbook. 

L. And if you are so fucked why the hell do you buy wigs and $100 phones? Why the fuck do you feel the need to tell me these things? I don't want to know. It just makes all your blaming on me even more infuriating. And btw, I am sure the people that had to take over the parenting of me because you were too busy with your fucked up men to bother would have plenty to say to you as well. So bitching at me about the kind of parent I have been is just fucking rich. Seriously. It amazes me that you think you are above everyone else when you have been far less many many times in life. I can't figure out how I can still love you. I struggle with that. It makes no sense. You hate me. You talk down to me and you make it your lot in life to make sure I know it yet I have love for you. Of course, there it is. There. It. Is. The way I ended up here in this shit life situation. Having love for those that didn't love me back. Caring for those that only cared about their own needs and desire with no care about how those things would destroy me. There is definitely a pattern in my life and it all starts with you and it all ends with you. It's quite fitting that I will most likely die in this room trying to escape the inescapable. God I hope in death I am not forced to relive any of this. I have had lifetimes of it. People won't even come near me anymore. I am plagued by everything they fear. Everything they try not to see. Everything they know could happen to them. It's really horrible. To have no love from parents, no siblings or relatives that love me and only my two kids who I can't even enjoy time with anymore. People I adore that I will be leaving in this cold fucked up world just to get away from you and your never ending need to remind me of my uselessness and failures. Maybe someday you will take a good hard look at your own and realize there is, was, and always will be, more than just you in this world. And love and friendships are based on a mutual respect and consideration of one anothers needs given with love not given to build an damn arsonal for later use as a weapon. You have always been really excellent at that. Ask any of the people who have known you. You are quite the storage unit of 'you owe me's' and 'I deserves'. No one owes you anything. No one owes me anything. That doesn't mean it isn't decent and kind and loving to give something anyway. If you actually care then you extend when you can and you only ask when you need and take when it is truly needed and so forth. And you don't fucking hold it over everyones head. 

So, I will be gone as soon as Cameron leaves for Bobs. Late August I hope. I wish with every fiber in my being it was sooner. I am ready to go. I struggle to stay, but I stay for him and for Ryann. When he is gone I will be too. If I get my hands on money that I don't need to eat or pay Camerons bills I will give it to you but I have nothing and I have had nothing for months. I have sold my own things to pay for Camerons phone this month. I will sell more to eat and pay for gas to get to food. If there is anything left its yours. I won't need anything once he is gone. Hopefully I will have gotten rid of all the shit I have left except for what I am leaving for Cameron and Ryann. So I actually am doing something but doing something up here is like being on a fucking hamster wheel. You go go go and you get fucking nowhere. 

If that isn't enough for you then oh well. I can only do what I can do, and that isn't much these days... hold on. I will only be here 8 weeks or so more and then you are free...

Just... Be You.

“ You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King