Monday, August 11, 2014

Why I 'Get' Suicide

So one of this planets funniest and most lovely comedians took his life today. When I read it it hit me like a brick. I cried and mourned this mans pain and decision to stop it, but I also got it. I do. I get it. When you are battling depression in a time when deceit and ugliness are ruling the world it's like drowning, coming near death and being pulled back up only to drift back out and down again. People are cruel. The world is overflowing with cruel people, many running the systems that control our lives. But it isn't just the big bad people in government and politics or Hollywood, but the little people just waiting for an opportunity to negatively affect other peoples lives. Often and sadly, they look for those in need the most to torture. I know this personally. It seems to never end. I currently have everything I own on Craigslist and I just wasted 2 weeks getting my hopes up by yet another waste of flesh out to deceive. What is the worst part are not the hours and days spent photographing every damn thing I own for this person or sitting in a bedroom surrounded by piles of my life that are suffocating me because I need money more than I need stuff, but it is the way this person continually led me on. The way they got not only my hopes up but my sons as well and the way they affirmed repeatedly that they wanted everything and they were going to come pick it up. It always amazes me how people can make set plans and then just disappear. No integrity. No common decency. Not even an god damn excuse. Just nothing. Every single time I get my hopes up, and it takes a lot for me to even begin to have hope anymore, these 'people' just disappear. My sister in law, my so called best friend, craigslist people in numbers too high to think about, my parents, friends (not all but far far too many), they all get my hopes up and then just fucking disappear. This even when I have pleaded with them to please not make any offers they plan on not following through with because it triggers this 'desire to go' in such a way that it takes weeks to overcome. One day I will not find a way to overcome it anymore. I am already at the stage where to end it does not even create an emotion in me anymore. No fear or dread. That scares me more than anything else and it is so easily avoided if people would just stop. Stop pretending to care. Stop talking when you have nothing of value to say. Just stop. STOP. I wonder if Robin was battling something like this. I wonder if he was tired of all the fake people and all their words. I wonder if he could have been saved by something so simple as a little integrity and hope. I wonder. I wonder. I wonder. 

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