Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: Please help me relocate.
Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: Please help me relocate.: I've tried everything and nothing is getting me anywhere... please help if you can.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Tick Tock
Someday this will be all that is left of me. All these technology based footprints and nothing else. I find that really sad. All the human connections lost before the life ends means that this will be it for a lot of people. People who figured it out and stopped letting anyone in anymore because it just wasn't worth the pain and disappointment. There is barely any good with the bad. The bullshit is doled out almost immediately and people like me see it now. I see it. I see it everywhere and it kills me. Not even a break in the stream to make me think there might be a purpose to putting up with it. There isn't. We should be feeding one another not sucking each other dry. And there is a lot of sucking going on in the world today and the hunger is killing me as I have nothing left to give and no reason to pretend anymore that anyone gives a damn except for their own selfish reasons. When all the people like myself have gone it's going to be a bloodbath on this planet. A real fucking shit fest... At least I won't have to watch it happen.
Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: Please help me relocate.
Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: Please help me relocate.: I just want to get out of here. I can go to North Carolina but I have to rent a small moving truck or a car because I have no vehicle. It...
Saturday, November 8, 2014
PEOPLE- PLURAL- ARE SOUL SUCKING LIARS-FACT
HOW AM I CRAZY WHEN THIS IS THE SHIT THEY SAY AND I AM THE ONE LEFT A BROKEN SHELL FROM THE DEPLETION WITH EVERYTHING GONE BECAUSE I GAVE A FUCK? PEOPLE ARE SOUL SUCKING EVIL MANIPULATIVE LYING CHEATING PISSING AND WHINING FUCKTARDS. I DARE ANYONE TO PROVE OTHERWISE TO ME...
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Please help me relocate.
I've tried everything and nothing is getting me anywhere... please help if you can.
Monday, October 13, 2014
A Mothers Love: Does Anything Else Compare?
She buys me food, like say a jar of peanut butter, and then the first time I use it and the next day I am confronted with a writhing , ranting, drunk screaming about how I am stealing her food. Weird, since I still had the little list I wrote for her with peanut butter on it that she made me rewrite before she left for the store. Conveniently she didn't remember that, like my entire youth of events that she brought upon my life, so easily forgotten and pushed aside. Wow. Just wow.
I go from being able to borrow the car to go the 70 mile round trip to the nearest grocery store to having to drive the illegal and barely running car, to not being able to do either since it blew a tire the last trip (almost 6 weeks ago) and now is on a spare, and she doesn't care at all that I am living off candy bars from Circle-K because of it. Nope, no control issues happening here. No bizarre vindictive shit being enacted here. It would be nice to know why though. beyond the fact that an old man divided up a trust in a way she didn't like almost two decades ago. Of course I had nothing to do with that choice but I sure as shit am paying for it. Did I write about how she told me she "Hates my fucking guts," because of this trust thing from decades ago? Yeah, that was like 5 days ago. Not the first time she has said it but kudos to her on trying to make Mother of the fucking year... in hell.
Then she turns the dial on the mini fridge to 3 or basically off when I just spent $50 on milk and food that needs to be cold (at Circle-K), (bought just a few hours before since the request to use the truck to go buy real food was met with the "I hate your fucking guts" fight), then she rants and raves about how she did not do it and then tells me to 'get the fuck out! Now,' AGAIN, and when I yell back that "I am moving 3000 miles away," within just a few hours she admits to changing the cold dial, but of course there is a really stupid excuse connected to the reason and 'it was an accident' and not at all another vindictive move to hurt and control me. So now I am trying to muster enough courage to drive my disaster mobile and get some semi real food for a kings ransom somewhere up here... gawd I hate this place.
When I sent my son away to my daughters fathers house, because there was no money and not enough food to feed us both for another 15 days she doesn't even notice he is gone. It was 8 full days before I TOLD HER he was gone. Then she cries like it pains her in some way and says how 'if she only knew' which she did because I had said several times that we had no money and were not able to buy any food, but you know, that is beside the point. SMH. Anyway, she acts all semi-motherly, and even tries to tell me how she loves me (Mkay.) and she offers to let me drive the truck to the post office and the mini-market (but for cat food for her because she has yet to let me drive the truck anywhere for any reason unless there is something being done for her), oh and she loans me $20 (the ONLY time in this 10 months I have borrowed any money at all I might add) and while I am gone for that 20 minutes or so what do you think she is doing? Come on guess... she's going into my sons room. She's doing exactly what she is always bragging that she would never do, invading our privacy by going in our rooms while we are gone. It literally took her what? An hour? To get me out of the house from the time she found out my son was gone, and to get her nosey ass in his room. When I got back from the store she was all pissed off and bitchy again like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of switcheroo and I didn't know why until I figured out that she had used the time I was gone to go in my sons room. Sometimes the level of low just blows me away....
So now I am going almost 3000 miles away to get out of here and I am still stumped as to how I am going to eat while I prep for the move, buy the things I need to make the move, and hell, I don't even know how the fuck to get to the airport. There is no mass transit of any kind here. None. No cabs, buses, carpool transportation thingies, shuttles. NOTHING. This place is like the Twilight Zone of reality. Nothing makes sense here and every opportunity to get out or do anything is met with another huge roadblock. It's the oddest most mind scrambling thing I have ever experienced, and that is saying a lot because I have seen and lived through a few lifetimes of fucked up....
Wish me luck.
As an added thought of the day:
I swear I am in some black void of the universe. Is nothing doable? Oy. Is anyone sane anymore? Who knew that being cheated on and lied to could destroy a life and then push it into a whole alternate reality of void? Who knew? Seriously. I think I may be insane and possibly sitting in a padded room and I just don't know it. Maybe none of this is real at all. Maybe this is hell or purgatory or some place where nothing moves forward. OMG. Maybe I killed Paul and they locked my insane ass up and all THIS has been some medically induced state to control me. There are so many maybe's when you stop trying to figure things out sanly or with logic. Once you let logic go the possibilities become limitless. Pretty damn scary.
I go from being able to borrow the car to go the 70 mile round trip to the nearest grocery store to having to drive the illegal and barely running car, to not being able to do either since it blew a tire the last trip (almost 6 weeks ago) and now is on a spare, and she doesn't care at all that I am living off candy bars from Circle-K because of it. Nope, no control issues happening here. No bizarre vindictive shit being enacted here. It would be nice to know why though. beyond the fact that an old man divided up a trust in a way she didn't like almost two decades ago. Of course I had nothing to do with that choice but I sure as shit am paying for it. Did I write about how she told me she "Hates my fucking guts," because of this trust thing from decades ago? Yeah, that was like 5 days ago. Not the first time she has said it but kudos to her on trying to make Mother of the fucking year... in hell.
Then she turns the dial on the mini fridge to 3 or basically off when I just spent $50 on milk and food that needs to be cold (at Circle-K), (bought just a few hours before since the request to use the truck to go buy real food was met with the "I hate your fucking guts" fight), then she rants and raves about how she did not do it and then tells me to 'get the fuck out! Now,' AGAIN, and when I yell back that "I am moving 3000 miles away," within just a few hours she admits to changing the cold dial, but of course there is a really stupid excuse connected to the reason and 'it was an accident' and not at all another vindictive move to hurt and control me. So now I am trying to muster enough courage to drive my disaster mobile and get some semi real food for a kings ransom somewhere up here... gawd I hate this place.
When I sent my son away to my daughters fathers house, because there was no money and not enough food to feed us both for another 15 days she doesn't even notice he is gone. It was 8 full days before I TOLD HER he was gone. Then she cries like it pains her in some way and says how 'if she only knew' which she did because I had said several times that we had no money and were not able to buy any food, but you know, that is beside the point. SMH. Anyway, she acts all semi-motherly, and even tries to tell me how she loves me (Mkay.) and she offers to let me drive the truck to the post office and the mini-market (but for cat food for her because she has yet to let me drive the truck anywhere for any reason unless there is something being done for her), oh and she loans me $20 (the ONLY time in this 10 months I have borrowed any money at all I might add) and while I am gone for that 20 minutes or so what do you think she is doing? Come on guess... she's going into my sons room. She's doing exactly what she is always bragging that she would never do, invading our privacy by going in our rooms while we are gone. It literally took her what? An hour? To get me out of the house from the time she found out my son was gone, and to get her nosey ass in his room. When I got back from the store she was all pissed off and bitchy again like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of switcheroo and I didn't know why until I figured out that she had used the time I was gone to go in my sons room. Sometimes the level of low just blows me away....
So now I am going almost 3000 miles away to get out of here and I am still stumped as to how I am going to eat while I prep for the move, buy the things I need to make the move, and hell, I don't even know how the fuck to get to the airport. There is no mass transit of any kind here. None. No cabs, buses, carpool transportation thingies, shuttles. NOTHING. This place is like the Twilight Zone of reality. Nothing makes sense here and every opportunity to get out or do anything is met with another huge roadblock. It's the oddest most mind scrambling thing I have ever experienced, and that is saying a lot because I have seen and lived through a few lifetimes of fucked up....
Wish me luck.
As an added thought of the day:
I swear I am in some black void of the universe. Is nothing doable? Oy. Is anyone sane anymore? Who knew that being cheated on and lied to could destroy a life and then push it into a whole alternate reality of void? Who knew? Seriously. I think I may be insane and possibly sitting in a padded room and I just don't know it. Maybe none of this is real at all. Maybe this is hell or purgatory or some place where nothing moves forward. OMG. Maybe I killed Paul and they locked my insane ass up and all THIS has been some medically induced state to control me. There are so many maybe's when you stop trying to figure things out sanly or with logic. Once you let logic go the possibilities become limitless. Pretty damn scary.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
If you care and want to help I will forever be in your debt!
If anyone wants to help me please donate by clicking the button to the right. It's through PayPal. I have to get out of here. I just enough to buy a used vehicle. That is what is standing between life and death for me right now. Just a cheap reliable vehicle. Something to live in. Something to get to a job in. We have no mass transit at all and everything is 30+ miles away in any direction. But I am on the edge and truly believe I am going to jump. Please? Anything?
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Twilight Zone Anyone?
So, I know I sound bent and dramatic in my posts and this is because life turned to complete shit a little over two years ago and has continually gotten bleaker and more unbearable every day since. What I am here to write about though is not me but my best and oldest mate Michael. I have known him for 34 years. We took completely different paths but somehow find ourselves in exactly the same shoes; planning our deaths since it has become impossible to survive anymore. Let me make a clear point, no matter the mindset or belief system or how 'positive' one forces themselves to be, a lack of food will at some point kill a person. Worrying about such a basic need 24/7 is almost as bad as the prospect of starving to death and I know starvation from my past. So I wanted to point out that I am not some freak but a white middle age educated female who can not survive and my best friend is a white middle age educated male and he can't survive either. Now I suppose I should add for the naysayers that I have only seen my friend one time in the past 30 years and that was almost a decade ago. So no, we have not had anything at all to do with one anothers demise. I guess we both just lucky. Ha. I'd ask for prayers of all forms but I'm pretty sure there is nothing good left out there.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Sometimes Our Profiles Say It All And I Don't Want To Go Without Being Heard.
MY PROFILE:
Dinosauria, We~
Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
~BUKOWSKI
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
George Eliot
WORD.
Yeah, laughing is what stands between death and survival.
(I think I am going to have this tattooed on me next!)
"...I do not want a stranger--unsympathizing, alien, different from me; I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling." 'Jane Eyre' on marriage.
“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion
The laughing heart (Tom Waits reads a Charles Bukowski poem) http://youtu.be/bHOHi5ueo0A
Tom Waits reads Nirvana by Charles Bukowski
http://youtu.be/W-vdPkESLZs
Bukowski rocks.
Pablo Neruda rocks as well....
If you are looking for someone to blow sunshine and rainbows out of their ass for you then please, move on. I have nothing to be ashamed enough of or about to lie or weave stories for the desires of others and their judgements. My reality is mine. It's been pretty ugly for the past few years, but if anyone thinks I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear; particularly people I don't even know, then they can screw off. I haven't bled my way through all this to be judged based on how pleasing my reality is or is not at the moment. And I wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone who would do or want that either. So, you have been warned to move on. Proceed with caution and full knowledge of that with which you pursue.
I want to believe. With all my being, I want to believe. If I had more to offer it would be easier, but when I did I still got burned. I just do not have that kind of strength anymore. I'm tapped out and good intentions don't mean success. I need success God Damn It. I need to know I am not tainted and that I have something to offer that is truly worth what I lack. Problem is, people want everything. In the end, what was perceived as lacking is what destroys most relationships. I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light. I guess I want a lot. I deserve it though. I know who I am and I love me. I'm just exhausted by everyone else and I get too tired to keep searching this universe for true. I'm getting old as well, which means I have less and less to offer of what people look for, which is beauty, youth, perky fucking tits and a tight ass. I could buy that, but I don't want to. Maybe a little touch here and there on my face, but none of that plastic shit for me. If I can't make you feel loved the way I am, all the plastic in the world isn't gonna change a got damn thing. Plus, I have never loved a man less for his physical shortcomings. Small dick, and I mean small, extra 100 lbs of flesh, bad skin, bent dick... who the fuck cares. None of those things equate to their true value. In my eyes anyway, but it ALWAYS come down to these things for women, or at least me. Cheating and porn addiction have run a muck in all my adult relationships. It didn't matter if I was 22 and hot as all hell, tight assed and in sexy near nothings daily; they still cheated and or went to great and amazing heights to feed the porn addiction. I don't understand. It is fake. Fake people expressing fake emotion like a fucking conveyor belt of plastic sex. The more intake you get the more cold and disconnected you become from reality. And BTW, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE MEN IN THOSE VIDEOS EITHER, but I wouldn't go fuck someone else or steal porn from your parents to watch them. I wouldn't risk anything I love for something so trivial and false. I see the programming or reprogramming going on by this industry of sweat and money... why doesn't anyone else? You claim a non-sheep mentality and try to tell me that your porn needs aren't high tailing to the closest pack and following? Are you serious? You're being led by your dick Son. It's a myth. You want a fucking mind blowing experience?
Try digging around in your 'truth' and working on the shit that's been fucking you up for so long. Try achievement. Try a few really good swift kick to the head, both if need be, and the ego. Wow. Did it again. I think my lack of female friends makes me do this. Isn't that where women usually bitch about all this? If I had that maybe I wouldn't keep getting called negative. I don't see it. How is seeing, and facing the realness of your shit and consciously making true attempts to not just overcome but remold your mind over and over in a true path to ultimate honesty and awareness being negative? Talking about experiences you have had does not equate to negative. Dwelling and using them over and over to get sympathy and attention is. One is for the expectation of something from others and one is the expectation of a new awareness within. That's my call on the subject. I will not stop speaking because I have not been blessed enough recently to be able to, in all honesty, appease anyone's need for 'positive' words if I don't have that to speak about. Do you care about me or do you care about the illusion you want me to be? I will be a fucking bright ass star lighting your world if you just let me take care of my business. That would be working through my shit so I am not just another fucking psycho woman who has ignored her lifes lessons. I don't even like most women because of this. Peel back the layers and at least try to repair and learn instead of gloss-over the ugly shit. It wouldn't be life if it was all airbrushed and glossy for everyone else's pleasure. This is your life... this is my life... don't let anyone tell you that working it out is doing something negative. Just look at who is saying it. Do they have it all together? And I mean in truth not visually. Internally. Look in their eyes and ask them... the eyes NEVER lie. You just have to be willing to see no matter what the outcome. Whew. I'm spent. That was fun. Ha!
Well I took another chance and it bombed. I did however do as I do and get him what he needed but could not achieve on his own... the rest is his either to succeed or fail at, just like all the others. LOL. I am beginning to understand my place in this universe. If they just paid me to get them whatever the hell they have been failing at before me than I suppose I wouldn't be so damn angsty about it afterward. The universe doesn't pay though and the mates usually take far more than they deserve.
I am discovering that all my high percentile matches are either Aries/computer people or Pisces/computer people... ixnay on the Pisces... sorry, but it has been proven that me and a Pisces are NOT capable of interaction on any level. None. What's up with the computer thing though? Must be a brain processing issue. Hmmm. Something to ponder.
Since I get the "why do you have an OKC account if you don't want to date/hook-up etc." question on a regular basis, here is the answer: I have had this account for 8 or 9 years from back in the Myspace days, before Facebook won the social network wars. Back then the only place to access surveys and fun things like that was here, but you were required to open an account to access them (This included when you were in Myspace and doing a survey someone else posted. To get your 'result' it would send you here.) So... that is the how and why of my OKC account. Now it is to keep in touch with a handful of friends that have gotten lost in Facebook's non-stop unwanted restructuring that has made seeing anything by people you actually want to interact with near impossible.
Friends... just looking for friends.... nothing else. Life's difficult enough ya know? This relationship thing is just beyond me at this point. Isn't it suppose to be a level give and take most of the time? I've decided that I have had enough of men for 3 or 4 lifetimes. Never take me as stupid. I see a lot, but I will wait until I have proof to back my shit up and to make my move. People have always underestimated me. That's the wrong move Son. My kindness should never be taken as stupidity. Yes, I made a bad choice and trusted the wrong person/people. You can only face your reality to move forward. To ignore your reality is to guarantee a life of pain, failure and loneliness.
Jake: I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place. Exactly.
I'm just realizing that love is not enough and it makes me sad.
Hope doesn't cut it either. No wonder there are so many bitter people in the world. Doesn't anyone know how a relationship works?????
I wish I was at Hogwarts. Seriously. I really mean this. It isn't here to be cute. I am not cute. I'm unique.
My 'kids' are adults. 21 and 25, and they will always be my babies, and the most important people in my life. Hands down. No man, woman, deity or beast will ever take that top place in my heart or my life...
What I’m doing with my life
Helping others achieve their unattainable goals and wondering why anyone here would ask me for my number after all this AND my obvious inability to trust anyone here. Are you all just that ego based? That sure that you will have the magic words to suddenly make a girl like me swoon and lose all sense of logic? Dudes... move the fuck on then. I spent 7 years talking to one person before we met and he still turned out to be my worst nightmare. You really think I am that stupid or naive? Really? That doesn't say much for women these days then. They all must really fall all over that shit. I'm not one of them so stop. Now. Please.
I now get to add that it is official... if you are a narcissist then you will find me. I am a beacon. If I could figure out how to disconnect the damn light I would, but 4 narcs in a row is becoming pretty obvious. The last one I have know since 9th grade. That's 30 years and then BAM! Total freak.
I give up.
Changing my hair color. Platinum blonde at the moment... meh. Not even worth taking a photo since it will probably be something different within the month. I am so ready to be not here anymore and wake up in a new place. My hair might get a break once my life is in my control again. Maybe. I bore myself so I try to change that on occasion.
Trying to move it all along.
Consuming BBC TV like it's oxygen... The Fades! Brilliant. Gavin and Stacey, Tidy!
(Grosse Point Blank has some of the BEST things to quote. IMO.)
Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
I’m really good at
Being me.....
Adapting.
Pretending I am OK. Pretending I am a hard ass. Pretending that you can't hurt me....
Finding the shit you don't want me to know about. It's like some sick force that keeps on bringing out what I have had enough viewing of as it is... I do not need to see just how sick the people I have loved actually are. I have become aware of enough. The universe must stop revealing these things to me about people I am not physically and emotionally 'with' anymore. Let the new chicks in their lives discover their dark sides. I don't want nor need to see anymore. This just makes it more difficult to trust ANYONE ever again. Enough already. Plus, it makes me feel like shit that these new woman may not know what ugliness lies beneath these men's outward appearances. Which makes me feel guilty for not telling them, and I am sick and tired of worrying about people I don't even like or who are too stupid to bother looking into who the hell they are exposing their children to. Gawd. It is all so disheartening.
The first things people usually notice about me
That's a question better answered by the people meeting me.
You love me or you don't. You appreciate my truthfulness or you don't. You accept my kindness as real or you wait for me to fuck up. I am kind though. Far too kind.
Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.
Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: The Gunslinger (If you haven't read it then damn it... DO IT!) Harry Potter... all of them. I read Bird by Bird (Some Instructions on Writing and Life). It's worth every minute of reading. I am re-reading Stephen King's On Writing because damn it if that man hasn't had an interesting life.
I'm becoming obsessed with Charles Bukowski's work. I 'get' this mans brain. He makes sense to me. He was a pretty interesting creature as well! So I am finding what I love and letting it kill me.... sounds better than dating at this point.
Movies: Field Of Dreams. Possibly one of the greatest movies ever. Green Street Hooligans!!! John Cusack. The Piv. I am a movie addict. I cross all the lines in the genre department. I prefer to get a good laugh though and feel a connection to the characters. Spanglish is on my top 100 list. I really dig watching series too. Soprano's, Roseanne, Dead Like Me, Weeds, Dexter, True Blood, Being Human (BBC version. I LOVE BBC TV) etc.
Food: I like food. I hate food. I LOVE to feed people though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy!
Sushi and basic Japanese food rock my socks too.
I make the most amazing sandwiches.... I do. I swear. Ask anyone who's had one!!!
I seem to have lost my music here in OKC profile hell. I suppose this is a sign that my page is too full, but I can't win the 'Longest Profile Page' award if I delete anything, so here is a very short list: Modest Mouse, Pinback which has since been ruined by my ex's need to play them for his new chick far too often and that really pisses me off too. Old punk, old Police, hell most 80's music, Black Tide, Rebelution, Iration, Redbone, Bad Religion (#1 Fav), The Cramps, Postal Service, uh, crap, I should open my Spotify... AWOLNATION (LOVE), Macklemore (I'm gonna pop some tags...), older Ben Harper, Interpol, old G- Love and Special Sauce, and Alien Ant Farm. Hopefully this short list is versatile enough to get the point across. I like a lot of music from a lot of different sides of the music realm.
The six things I could never do without
1. My kids
2. Books. Many many books.
3. Music- Old Punk, 80's (being a child/Teen of that time), Iration, Rebelution, Black Tide, old Police etc.
4. Skin care stuff. I am obsessive about my skin.
5. Friends, although I have been doing without any face-to-face friends for a long time now, and it is killing me.
6. I am rediscovering art. I've missed it, so now I am trying to reconnect.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The struggle. Moving forward instead of being in limbo. Far easier to think than do.
Time and how fast it goes by and leaves us reeling in the aftermath of what we were too busy to notice...
Such as the time to give. I am not a quitter by nature, and it seems to be the bane of my existence.
...Why I think I will ever find someone with the will to move forward rather than sit in the same spot or live in the past. The past is fine to visit but the NOW is what the focus should be on, as the later will come either way...
Sheep. I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to see what the attraction is to being a sheep. It pains me to see this everywhere. It pains me to get bitched at by people on OKC about how I am not fitting into their idea of what a person on here should be. I don't want to be you, or her, or them. I CHOOSE ME. I'm special in a way most of you will never get to know because I see through you and I can't respect you although I can accept your choices as long as they don't touch me. I can respect you for being you but not for being anyone else. It's the one gift we all get. The choice to be ourselves. Why so many choose to be the status quo is beyond me but if it actually makes you happy, which is rare in my experience, than you go Boy or Girl or You. I can respect it if it is true and it makes you happy all the way through. I always prefer the company of an asshole who knows and accepts that this is who they are than a 'nice' person who is faking it. Why? Why bother? Just be real. You will find your people if you just stop wearing your masks or following the herd.
"To hold on to sanity too tight is insane. "
Pushing Tin
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing homework.
Watching netflix streaming. I am so out of good options. Even Korean soaps aren't cutting it anymore. Sigh...
Trying to tap into my creative side again. Dreaming of drawing, painting, sculpting and a plethora of other things I really wish I could afford to pursue.
Trying to ignore the fact that it is just another day- SSDD. Did I really once get excited for the weekend? I did. I remember it; barely.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a bit self-righteous. I work hard to be a decent person and I believe anyone who wants any kind of interaction with other persons ( that is a positive interaction) should also be willing to work hard for it... so, if you walk all over people or treat them like trash and piss and whine about it then I really have no sympathy for you. If you work hard for those relationships and piss and whine, then I can give you all the support you need for as long as it takes. Yep, I am self-righteous, but it is because in most cases you can be better and do a hell of a lot more. Life is one long work of art. Real art is made from blood, sweat and tears, and so life is too. So suck it if my belief that you can do and be more scares you or pisses you off.
I screw up... often. If I can lower my pride and admit my faults and if it can't be forgiven then I suppose I don't need people like that in my life. I'm big on forgiveness. It's truly one of the hardest things to give another person. It's also hard to find people that can give that back. Life is strange.
437737 And sometimes cruel as well... you get over a good portion of it though, but I'm just not sure I have any gas left to burn at this point.
This trait sucks. It's gets you a lot of wasted time. It makes you question yourself. I don't like that. I prefer not to question myself but I seem to do it often.
I was homeless for 3 years right out of high school. Real homeless. Hungry, cold, no where to go homeless. Think Suburbia. Penelope Spheeris version. I could relate to that movie in ways you can't imagine. I even knew a few of the 'actors'. You may notice Flea, from The Red Hot Chili Peppers in it; he was Rat Boy to us back in those days. Him and that damn rat.
I've experienced my first true deep dark depression this last year. It's a scary place and I wish it upon no one.
UPDATE: I almost feel for a guy. Someone I have 'known' online for many many years. He hurt me. Indifference and words with zero actions or promises with zero actions are not being kind to a person. BE REAL IN ALL YOUR FAULTS AND GLORIES. BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It's the only possible way to ever truly have a shot at a happy relationship. WORD.
Is that all private enough for you?
You should message me if
UPDATE: Still not a potential mate, as I have zero faith in love at this point. Love your kids and be well. That's my advice for you.
If you are a Gym Rat then PLEASE, I beg of you... pass on by. I am not interested. Being fit is fine, but I would rather have a fat happy guy than a fit sociopath any day, and there seems to be a connection with people obsessed with one particular thing and neuroticism. Be it the gym or YoVille... there is a connection and I have no desire to get near that EVER again. I have had far too many Neurotics in my life in the last couple decades, thank you very much.
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude
DON'T IM me saying I'm sexy, you want to meet me in person, you want to make out with me or any other ridiculous thing that you might say to a potential mate... I AM NOT A POTENTIAL MATE. If I ever am I will make it known. If you're in the mood to fight or just ruffle someones feathers I can hold my own but will most likely just not bother to waste the energy. Well, that is unless the subject interests me.
And BTW... Just a little advice from a Woman to a Man....
You ready??????? You sure? Mkay.....
STOP USING PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITH SUNGLASSES ON AS YOUR PROFILE PIC. Period. Got that?
You don't look sexy, you look like you are hiding something. You look like you don't have any confidence in yourself. You look CREEPY.
Update: I am adding here for me personally, those damn shots of you nekkid, baring your abs, flexing, hanging out with cheerleaders or Hooters girls, laying in your bed, or looking stern... they make my skin crawl. If you find a woman that thinks any of these things makes you more of a man than you deserve her and all the shit she is going to bring you. True story. Same with the woman. If you are choosing your chicks based on various shots of tits, ass, abs etcetera, then yeah, you get what you choose there Boys. This being a woman lacking inner strength or a broken soul. A narcissist. A little girl with Daddy issues. Have fun with that; not a ride anyone will enjoy in the end. Trust me on this one too!
I don't trust a woman with no eyebrows or a man who won't take his sunglasses off and I never gamble next to an Asian older woman. The men are lucky... the woman suck you dry. I assume that they are literally consuming all the luck you may have had before they sat down next to you. It's weird. I wonder how they do that. Really wish I knew how to do that myself....
So anyway, back to my point.... "The eyes are the windows to the soul...." So stop that sunglasses thing guys!
Meh. I probably won't reply either way so don't take it personal. You should see me try to interact in person.... it's really just painful.
You're John Cusack....
You're Michael Socha (Being Human BBC. I LOVE BBC)
I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process. < WORD!!!
John Cusack
Dinosauria, We~
Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
~BUKOWSKI
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
George Eliot
WORD.
Yeah, laughing is what stands between death and survival.
(I think I am going to have this tattooed on me next!)
"...I do not want a stranger--unsympathizing, alien, different from me; I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling." 'Jane Eyre' on marriage.
“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion
The laughing heart (Tom Waits reads a Charles Bukowski poem) http://youtu.be/bHOHi5ueo0A
Tom Waits reads Nirvana by Charles Bukowski
http://youtu.be/W-vdPkESLZs
Bukowski rocks.
Pablo Neruda rocks as well....
If you are looking for someone to blow sunshine and rainbows out of their ass for you then please, move on. I have nothing to be ashamed enough of or about to lie or weave stories for the desires of others and their judgements. My reality is mine. It's been pretty ugly for the past few years, but if anyone thinks I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear; particularly people I don't even know, then they can screw off. I haven't bled my way through all this to be judged based on how pleasing my reality is or is not at the moment. And I wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone who would do or want that either. So, you have been warned to move on. Proceed with caution and full knowledge of that with which you pursue.
I want to believe. With all my being, I want to believe. If I had more to offer it would be easier, but when I did I still got burned. I just do not have that kind of strength anymore. I'm tapped out and good intentions don't mean success. I need success God Damn It. I need to know I am not tainted and that I have something to offer that is truly worth what I lack. Problem is, people want everything. In the end, what was perceived as lacking is what destroys most relationships. I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light. I guess I want a lot. I deserve it though. I know who I am and I love me. I'm just exhausted by everyone else and I get too tired to keep searching this universe for true. I'm getting old as well, which means I have less and less to offer of what people look for, which is beauty, youth, perky fucking tits and a tight ass. I could buy that, but I don't want to. Maybe a little touch here and there on my face, but none of that plastic shit for me. If I can't make you feel loved the way I am, all the plastic in the world isn't gonna change a got damn thing. Plus, I have never loved a man less for his physical shortcomings. Small dick, and I mean small, extra 100 lbs of flesh, bad skin, bent dick... who the fuck cares. None of those things equate to their true value. In my eyes anyway, but it ALWAYS come down to these things for women, or at least me. Cheating and porn addiction have run a muck in all my adult relationships. It didn't matter if I was 22 and hot as all hell, tight assed and in sexy near nothings daily; they still cheated and or went to great and amazing heights to feed the porn addiction. I don't understand. It is fake. Fake people expressing fake emotion like a fucking conveyor belt of plastic sex. The more intake you get the more cold and disconnected you become from reality. And BTW, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE MEN IN THOSE VIDEOS EITHER, but I wouldn't go fuck someone else or steal porn from your parents to watch them. I wouldn't risk anything I love for something so trivial and false. I see the programming or reprogramming going on by this industry of sweat and money... why doesn't anyone else? You claim a non-sheep mentality and try to tell me that your porn needs aren't high tailing to the closest pack and following? Are you serious? You're being led by your dick Son. It's a myth. You want a fucking mind blowing experience?
Try digging around in your 'truth' and working on the shit that's been fucking you up for so long. Try achievement. Try a few really good swift kick to the head, both if need be, and the ego. Wow. Did it again. I think my lack of female friends makes me do this. Isn't that where women usually bitch about all this? If I had that maybe I wouldn't keep getting called negative. I don't see it. How is seeing, and facing the realness of your shit and consciously making true attempts to not just overcome but remold your mind over and over in a true path to ultimate honesty and awareness being negative? Talking about experiences you have had does not equate to negative. Dwelling and using them over and over to get sympathy and attention is. One is for the expectation of something from others and one is the expectation of a new awareness within. That's my call on the subject. I will not stop speaking because I have not been blessed enough recently to be able to, in all honesty, appease anyone's need for 'positive' words if I don't have that to speak about. Do you care about me or do you care about the illusion you want me to be? I will be a fucking bright ass star lighting your world if you just let me take care of my business. That would be working through my shit so I am not just another fucking psycho woman who has ignored her lifes lessons. I don't even like most women because of this. Peel back the layers and at least try to repair and learn instead of gloss-over the ugly shit. It wouldn't be life if it was all airbrushed and glossy for everyone else's pleasure. This is your life... this is my life... don't let anyone tell you that working it out is doing something negative. Just look at who is saying it. Do they have it all together? And I mean in truth not visually. Internally. Look in their eyes and ask them... the eyes NEVER lie. You just have to be willing to see no matter what the outcome. Whew. I'm spent. That was fun. Ha!
Well I took another chance and it bombed. I did however do as I do and get him what he needed but could not achieve on his own... the rest is his either to succeed or fail at, just like all the others. LOL. I am beginning to understand my place in this universe. If they just paid me to get them whatever the hell they have been failing at before me than I suppose I wouldn't be so damn angsty about it afterward. The universe doesn't pay though and the mates usually take far more than they deserve.
I am discovering that all my high percentile matches are either Aries/computer people or Pisces/computer people... ixnay on the Pisces... sorry, but it has been proven that me and a Pisces are NOT capable of interaction on any level. None. What's up with the computer thing though? Must be a brain processing issue. Hmmm. Something to ponder.
Since I get the "why do you have an OKC account if you don't want to date/hook-up etc." question on a regular basis, here is the answer: I have had this account for 8 or 9 years from back in the Myspace days, before Facebook won the social network wars. Back then the only place to access surveys and fun things like that was here, but you were required to open an account to access them (This included when you were in Myspace and doing a survey someone else posted. To get your 'result' it would send you here.) So... that is the how and why of my OKC account. Now it is to keep in touch with a handful of friends that have gotten lost in Facebook's non-stop unwanted restructuring that has made seeing anything by people you actually want to interact with near impossible.
Friends... just looking for friends.... nothing else. Life's difficult enough ya know? This relationship thing is just beyond me at this point. Isn't it suppose to be a level give and take most of the time? I've decided that I have had enough of men for 3 or 4 lifetimes. Never take me as stupid. I see a lot, but I will wait until I have proof to back my shit up and to make my move. People have always underestimated me. That's the wrong move Son. My kindness should never be taken as stupidity. Yes, I made a bad choice and trusted the wrong person/people. You can only face your reality to move forward. To ignore your reality is to guarantee a life of pain, failure and loneliness.
Jake: I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place. Exactly.
I'm just realizing that love is not enough and it makes me sad.
Hope doesn't cut it either. No wonder there are so many bitter people in the world. Doesn't anyone know how a relationship works?????
I wish I was at Hogwarts. Seriously. I really mean this. It isn't here to be cute. I am not cute. I'm unique.
My 'kids' are adults. 21 and 25, and they will always be my babies, and the most important people in my life. Hands down. No man, woman, deity or beast will ever take that top place in my heart or my life...
What I’m doing with my life
Helping others achieve their unattainable goals and wondering why anyone here would ask me for my number after all this AND my obvious inability to trust anyone here. Are you all just that ego based? That sure that you will have the magic words to suddenly make a girl like me swoon and lose all sense of logic? Dudes... move the fuck on then. I spent 7 years talking to one person before we met and he still turned out to be my worst nightmare. You really think I am that stupid or naive? Really? That doesn't say much for women these days then. They all must really fall all over that shit. I'm not one of them so stop. Now. Please.
I now get to add that it is official... if you are a narcissist then you will find me. I am a beacon. If I could figure out how to disconnect the damn light I would, but 4 narcs in a row is becoming pretty obvious. The last one I have know since 9th grade. That's 30 years and then BAM! Total freak.
I give up.
Changing my hair color. Platinum blonde at the moment... meh. Not even worth taking a photo since it will probably be something different within the month. I am so ready to be not here anymore and wake up in a new place. My hair might get a break once my life is in my control again. Maybe. I bore myself so I try to change that on occasion.
Trying to move it all along.
Consuming BBC TV like it's oxygen... The Fades! Brilliant. Gavin and Stacey, Tidy!
(Grosse Point Blank has some of the BEST things to quote. IMO.)
Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
I’m really good at
Being me.....
Adapting.
Pretending I am OK. Pretending I am a hard ass. Pretending that you can't hurt me....
Finding the shit you don't want me to know about. It's like some sick force that keeps on bringing out what I have had enough viewing of as it is... I do not need to see just how sick the people I have loved actually are. I have become aware of enough. The universe must stop revealing these things to me about people I am not physically and emotionally 'with' anymore. Let the new chicks in their lives discover their dark sides. I don't want nor need to see anymore. This just makes it more difficult to trust ANYONE ever again. Enough already. Plus, it makes me feel like shit that these new woman may not know what ugliness lies beneath these men's outward appearances. Which makes me feel guilty for not telling them, and I am sick and tired of worrying about people I don't even like or who are too stupid to bother looking into who the hell they are exposing their children to. Gawd. It is all so disheartening.
The first things people usually notice about me
That's a question better answered by the people meeting me.
You love me or you don't. You appreciate my truthfulness or you don't. You accept my kindness as real or you wait for me to fuck up. I am kind though. Far too kind.
Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.
Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: The Gunslinger (If you haven't read it then damn it... DO IT!) Harry Potter... all of them. I read Bird by Bird (Some Instructions on Writing and Life). It's worth every minute of reading. I am re-reading Stephen King's On Writing because damn it if that man hasn't had an interesting life.
I'm becoming obsessed with Charles Bukowski's work. I 'get' this mans brain. He makes sense to me. He was a pretty interesting creature as well! So I am finding what I love and letting it kill me.... sounds better than dating at this point.
Movies: Field Of Dreams. Possibly one of the greatest movies ever. Green Street Hooligans!!! John Cusack. The Piv. I am a movie addict. I cross all the lines in the genre department. I prefer to get a good laugh though and feel a connection to the characters. Spanglish is on my top 100 list. I really dig watching series too. Soprano's, Roseanne, Dead Like Me, Weeds, Dexter, True Blood, Being Human (BBC version. I LOVE BBC TV) etc.
Food: I like food. I hate food. I LOVE to feed people though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy!
Sushi and basic Japanese food rock my socks too.
I make the most amazing sandwiches.... I do. I swear. Ask anyone who's had one!!!
I seem to have lost my music here in OKC profile hell. I suppose this is a sign that my page is too full, but I can't win the 'Longest Profile Page' award if I delete anything, so here is a very short list: Modest Mouse, Pinback which has since been ruined by my ex's need to play them for his new chick far too often and that really pisses me off too. Old punk, old Police, hell most 80's music, Black Tide, Rebelution, Iration, Redbone, Bad Religion (#1 Fav), The Cramps, Postal Service, uh, crap, I should open my Spotify... AWOLNATION (LOVE), Macklemore (I'm gonna pop some tags...), older Ben Harper, Interpol, old G- Love and Special Sauce, and Alien Ant Farm. Hopefully this short list is versatile enough to get the point across. I like a lot of music from a lot of different sides of the music realm.
The six things I could never do without
1. My kids
2. Books. Many many books.
3. Music- Old Punk, 80's (being a child/Teen of that time), Iration, Rebelution, Black Tide, old Police etc.
4. Skin care stuff. I am obsessive about my skin.
5. Friends, although I have been doing without any face-to-face friends for a long time now, and it is killing me.
6. I am rediscovering art. I've missed it, so now I am trying to reconnect.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The struggle. Moving forward instead of being in limbo. Far easier to think than do.
Time and how fast it goes by and leaves us reeling in the aftermath of what we were too busy to notice...
Such as the time to give. I am not a quitter by nature, and it seems to be the bane of my existence.
...Why I think I will ever find someone with the will to move forward rather than sit in the same spot or live in the past. The past is fine to visit but the NOW is what the focus should be on, as the later will come either way...
Sheep. I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to see what the attraction is to being a sheep. It pains me to see this everywhere. It pains me to get bitched at by people on OKC about how I am not fitting into their idea of what a person on here should be. I don't want to be you, or her, or them. I CHOOSE ME. I'm special in a way most of you will never get to know because I see through you and I can't respect you although I can accept your choices as long as they don't touch me. I can respect you for being you but not for being anyone else. It's the one gift we all get. The choice to be ourselves. Why so many choose to be the status quo is beyond me but if it actually makes you happy, which is rare in my experience, than you go Boy or Girl or You. I can respect it if it is true and it makes you happy all the way through. I always prefer the company of an asshole who knows and accepts that this is who they are than a 'nice' person who is faking it. Why? Why bother? Just be real. You will find your people if you just stop wearing your masks or following the herd.
"To hold on to sanity too tight is insane. "
Pushing Tin
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing homework.
Watching netflix streaming. I am so out of good options. Even Korean soaps aren't cutting it anymore. Sigh...
Trying to tap into my creative side again. Dreaming of drawing, painting, sculpting and a plethora of other things I really wish I could afford to pursue.
Trying to ignore the fact that it is just another day- SSDD. Did I really once get excited for the weekend? I did. I remember it; barely.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a bit self-righteous. I work hard to be a decent person and I believe anyone who wants any kind of interaction with other persons ( that is a positive interaction) should also be willing to work hard for it... so, if you walk all over people or treat them like trash and piss and whine about it then I really have no sympathy for you. If you work hard for those relationships and piss and whine, then I can give you all the support you need for as long as it takes. Yep, I am self-righteous, but it is because in most cases you can be better and do a hell of a lot more. Life is one long work of art. Real art is made from blood, sweat and tears, and so life is too. So suck it if my belief that you can do and be more scares you or pisses you off.
I screw up... often. If I can lower my pride and admit my faults and if it can't be forgiven then I suppose I don't need people like that in my life. I'm big on forgiveness. It's truly one of the hardest things to give another person. It's also hard to find people that can give that back. Life is strange.
437737 And sometimes cruel as well... you get over a good portion of it though, but I'm just not sure I have any gas left to burn at this point.
This trait sucks. It's gets you a lot of wasted time. It makes you question yourself. I don't like that. I prefer not to question myself but I seem to do it often.
I was homeless for 3 years right out of high school. Real homeless. Hungry, cold, no where to go homeless. Think Suburbia. Penelope Spheeris version. I could relate to that movie in ways you can't imagine. I even knew a few of the 'actors'. You may notice Flea, from The Red Hot Chili Peppers in it; he was Rat Boy to us back in those days. Him and that damn rat.
I've experienced my first true deep dark depression this last year. It's a scary place and I wish it upon no one.
UPDATE: I almost feel for a guy. Someone I have 'known' online for many many years. He hurt me. Indifference and words with zero actions or promises with zero actions are not being kind to a person. BE REAL IN ALL YOUR FAULTS AND GLORIES. BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It's the only possible way to ever truly have a shot at a happy relationship. WORD.
Is that all private enough for you?
You should message me if
UPDATE: Still not a potential mate, as I have zero faith in love at this point. Love your kids and be well. That's my advice for you.
If you are a Gym Rat then PLEASE, I beg of you... pass on by. I am not interested. Being fit is fine, but I would rather have a fat happy guy than a fit sociopath any day, and there seems to be a connection with people obsessed with one particular thing and neuroticism. Be it the gym or YoVille... there is a connection and I have no desire to get near that EVER again. I have had far too many Neurotics in my life in the last couple decades, thank you very much.
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude
DON'T IM me saying I'm sexy, you want to meet me in person, you want to make out with me or any other ridiculous thing that you might say to a potential mate... I AM NOT A POTENTIAL MATE. If I ever am I will make it known. If you're in the mood to fight or just ruffle someones feathers I can hold my own but will most likely just not bother to waste the energy. Well, that is unless the subject interests me.
And BTW... Just a little advice from a Woman to a Man....
You ready??????? You sure? Mkay.....
STOP USING PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITH SUNGLASSES ON AS YOUR PROFILE PIC. Period. Got that?
You don't look sexy, you look like you are hiding something. You look like you don't have any confidence in yourself. You look CREEPY.
Update: I am adding here for me personally, those damn shots of you nekkid, baring your abs, flexing, hanging out with cheerleaders or Hooters girls, laying in your bed, or looking stern... they make my skin crawl. If you find a woman that thinks any of these things makes you more of a man than you deserve her and all the shit she is going to bring you. True story. Same with the woman. If you are choosing your chicks based on various shots of tits, ass, abs etcetera, then yeah, you get what you choose there Boys. This being a woman lacking inner strength or a broken soul. A narcissist. A little girl with Daddy issues. Have fun with that; not a ride anyone will enjoy in the end. Trust me on this one too!
I don't trust a woman with no eyebrows or a man who won't take his sunglasses off and I never gamble next to an Asian older woman. The men are lucky... the woman suck you dry. I assume that they are literally consuming all the luck you may have had before they sat down next to you. It's weird. I wonder how they do that. Really wish I knew how to do that myself....
So anyway, back to my point.... "The eyes are the windows to the soul...." So stop that sunglasses thing guys!
Meh. I probably won't reply either way so don't take it personal. You should see me try to interact in person.... it's really just painful.
You're John Cusack....
You're Michael Socha (Being Human BBC. I LOVE BBC)
I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process. < WORD!!!
John Cusack
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
What we need to face to save the human race in today's climate.
There are a lot of depression stories being written these days, which is great but the one thing I see is that near all of them blame addiction and or mental instability on its cause. At what point will they begin to write about the depression created when all hope is lost? When the struggle to survive in a world full of selfish ignorant people is killing the souls of so many? When it is our surroundings and the lack of support from friends, family, the system that is leaving some of us with the desire to just stop suffering, which equates to battling depression NOT caused by addiction or mental illness. WHEN? It needs to begin now. We can't wait decades for people to wake up and address this issue for more than a mental health and addiction issue and we need options. I don't WANT to die, but I want the pain and suffering to end because there will be no hand to come help pull me up and out. So what is the point? When food is beyond reach and you haven't felt a human touch in ages and no matter how vocal you are or how quiet you are, no one notices how real the situation is for you then escaping it is all that is left. But the disappointment in humanity is by far the most painful thing to face.
There has been help. Bits and pieces that sustain for a few days, but imagine suffering from severe dehydration and only being offered a drop of water each hour, and only when you do something humiliating or degrading. Imagine how if you could just get a cup an hour or a jug a day how you would have a chance to regain strength rather than just sustaining the suffering. You would be grateful for that drop within reason but you can only ride that for so long, eventually you all about the reality and how to make it end.
This is like why I cut. When I can't breathe anymore. When the rattle in my chest makes my entire being tremble. When all I hear is end it, I cut, because it is like suffocating with a plastic bag over ones head. In that last few moment of total panic and then you or someone cuts a hole in the bag. That is what cutting does. It sends that whoosh of oxygen that feeds the brain and begins to calm everything else.
So, there is my share of the day, or so far. Maybe it will help someone else understand someone they couldn't relate to originally. Maybe not. I'm sharing it anyway. I want to leave something even if some people call it 'playing the victim.' They can go fuck themselves. They should go look in the mirror. They should stop pointing and shouting and start observing, quietly. You learn so much when you shut up and watch. <3
Sunday, September 7, 2014
WTF?
So we will most likely lose our internet any moment now. This will be the last straw of a long line of them. This will destroy my last hope of getting out of here or survival at all since it will mean losing my financial aid check in October because all my classes are online and we don't have a Starbucks up in the hills. My car has blown a tire as well and we have roughly $20 for the next 5 weeks to boot. If my ex takes my son then I am outta here. So its been peachy. Have a great life and try not to fuck it up by taking advantage of all the people who care that are around you and all the things you have that some people would kill for, k? Oh, and leave the assholes who keep stringing you along with their empty promises and such. You're worth more than that and you don't want to figure out the way I did.
Peace... Micho out.
Peace... Micho out.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Saturday, August 30, 2014
More Than My Fair Share of "I'm Sorry's" But Never Again.
And, no matter if you acknowledge me or not, see me or look right through me, reply to me or ignore me; nothing's going to change this truth. I can't unknow what I know. I don't want to either. I'd just like to find a person to share it with. Someone who does not look right through me. Someone who see's. Someone who value's the valuable things, which have nothing to do with fame, fortune or even love. All easily attained and easily lost.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
e8 and the Theory of Everything
e8 and the Theory of Everything Garrett is truly an amazing specimen of a man...
Friday, August 22, 2014
Philip Wesley - Dark night of the soul
http://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011
Eckhart on the Dark Night of the Soul
Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul? Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period. Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before. Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. It’s a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity. Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”. What is the purpose of a lesson like that? It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul. It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”. With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”. You wipe the board clean. In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness. Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on. Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning. It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything. That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it. It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence. You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness. Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde and Metallica-Fade to Black Both Quite Fitting
A TOUT LE MONDE –
MEGADETH Review The Song (90)
MEGADETH Review The Song (90)
Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied
So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all...
A tout le monde (To all the world!)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say
Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred
A tout le monde (To all the world!)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile, smile when you think about me
My body's gone that's all
A tout le monde (To all the world!)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free
FADE TO BLACK – METALLICA
Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
FADE TO BLACK – METALLICA
Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone
No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try
Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Going To A For-Profit College Won't Help You Get Hired- SUPPORTING MY RANT ABOUT SNAP AND SCHOOL
Well duh. This is what I have been bitching about and what my previous post was in reference to as well. This bullshit that aid is only for those that take on the insane costs of for profit schooling the state requires through their system (if you want an education that is), and probably takes a chunk of as well, and then punishing those trying to get a degree for little to no debt and on their own is total bullshit.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/for-profit-colleges-hired_n_5689598.html
A new study comparing graduates of for-profit colleges with those of cheaper community colleges found attending a school like the University of Phoenix or DeVry doesn't impress employers much.
In fact, researchers concluded, the students would be better off attending community colleges for a much smaller tuition price.
The paper was produced by the National Center for Analysis of Longitudinal Data in Education Research, with researchers from the University of Missouri and RAND, according to the Wall Street Journal.
Researchers sent nearly 9,000 resumes of fictious applicants to employers in response to job postings in major cities. The fake applicants had attended either a for-profit college, a public community college, or a local high school. According to the Journal:
Employers responded to community-college grads with an interested call or e-mail 11.6% of the time, compared with 11.3% for for-profit college graduates. They asked to schedule interviews with 5.3% of applicants who had community-college credentials, and 4.7% of applicants hailing from for-profit colleges. (High-school graduates received responses 10.6% of the time, and interview requests 4.2% of the time.) None of the differences are statistically significant.
The researchers told Inside Higher Ed their big surprise was that the fake for-profit college grads came so close to community colleges. Multiple federal investigations have shown for-profit colleges have higher-than-average student debt loads, have a poor job placement record and mostly fail to graduate.
A recent study by The Institute for College Access & Success concluded dozens of for-profit schools had more students in default on their education loans than graduates.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/for-profit-colleges-hired_n_5689598.html
A new study comparing graduates of for-profit colleges with those of cheaper community colleges found attending a school like the University of Phoenix or DeVry doesn't impress employers much.
In fact, researchers concluded, the students would be better off attending community colleges for a much smaller tuition price.
The paper was produced by the National Center for Analysis of Longitudinal Data in Education Research, with researchers from the University of Missouri and RAND, according to the Wall Street Journal.
Researchers sent nearly 9,000 resumes of fictious applicants to employers in response to job postings in major cities. The fake applicants had attended either a for-profit college, a public community college, or a local high school. According to the Journal:
Employers responded to community-college grads with an interested call or e-mail 11.6% of the time, compared with 11.3% for for-profit college graduates. They asked to schedule interviews with 5.3% of applicants who had community-college credentials, and 4.7% of applicants hailing from for-profit colleges. (High-school graduates received responses 10.6% of the time, and interview requests 4.2% of the time.) None of the differences are statistically significant.
The researchers told Inside Higher Ed their big surprise was that the fake for-profit college grads came so close to community colleges. Multiple federal investigations have shown for-profit colleges have higher-than-average student debt loads, have a poor job placement record and mostly fail to graduate.
A recent study by The Institute for College Access & Success concluded dozens of for-profit schools had more students in default on their education loans than graduates.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
FUCK THE SYSTEM. FUCK SOCIAL SERVICES IDEA OF SUPPORT SERVICES. DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU!
Our system supports the poor taking on tens of thousands of dollars in debt for a certificate that rarely leads anywhere rather than supporting those same people getting an actual degree for nothing or limited debt. Our system does not support the education that will get them further employment and wages. It does not support the education that will lead to higher degrees and wages and more job opportunities. It does not support the education that carries with it a level of respect. Instead it supports a limited area of education that is overflowing with graduates that continue to not be able to find work and is only good in the area trained in. And in fact, our system is penalizing anyone who takes the initiative to get a better education without the tens of thousands in debt. Our system continues to support keeping the poorest of the poor down, not helping them get up and stand tall. Instead if they are lucky enough to actually find work in their limited area of 'expertise' they do it starting off with unimaginable levels of debt. So, they continue to struggle to survive because even though they have now found employment they have all that debt to pay back as well.
Now tell me the system doesn't need to be fixed. Tell me it isn't broken. Tell me there is logic in this system. And if you still are not convinced then let me add that if a person chooses to just sit and rot on aid then they can. All the better for them. Then they do not have the plethora of hoops to jump through to better their situation. And if you add popping out a kid here and there a person can have a pretty cush life. A struggling life but still one not lacking in food, cash, medical, education (if you can really call it that), and any other number of options to pick from.... And with all the bitching and complaining this nation does about having to aid the poor, they punish the poor for what the government has created. For what the government has forced them to choose from. From what the government chooses to support. IT IS YOUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS FUCKING YOU!! IT IS NOT THE POOR! WAKE THE FUCK UP!
22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out.
So, to clarify this bit from the State Food Stamp Regulation Manual- if you were a student at a 2 year or 4 year college and you were not suspended or expelled and you did not drop out then you will continue to be 'a student' whether you are enrolled or not. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, right? So this means that you do not qualify for aid. You must be suspended, expelled, graduate or drop out to qualify for aid again. That's the way to support education? LOL! If you just couldn't afford a semester or lost your transportation or were sick or any number of other issues people face daily then you are still fucked. But if you 'drop out' you lose all your funding for the future. Same thing if you are suspended or expelled.. Our system supports these negatives. Amazing.
http://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/students
Most able-bodied students ages 18 through 49 who are enrolled in college or other institutions of higher education at least half time are not eligible for SNAP benefits. However, students may be able to get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible and they:
Get public assistance benefits under a Title IV-A program;
THIS IS A LIE. THE PROGRAMS ARE LISTED BUT ONLY ONE- FEDERAL WORK STUDY- IS ACKNOWLEDGED. THIS WAY THEY CAN DENY YOU IN BETWEEN SEMESTERS AND SUCH, THEY ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS WHEN THEY CAN USE THEM TO WORK AROUND THE TITLE IV-A CLAUSE. OTHERWISE, THEY DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS, VACATION TIME, OR RECESS SO BASICALLY THEY ACCEPT NOTHING AS NON-SCHOOL TIME EXCEPT WHEN IT AFFECTS TITLE IV-A.
Take part in a State or federally financed work study program; THIS IS WHAT THEY ACKNOWLEDGE. GRANTS AND SUCH DO NOT GET ACKNOWLEDGED AT ALL UNTIL IT COMES TO WHAT CAN AND CAN NOT BE JUDGED AS INCOME AGAINST YOUR AID. IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT THEY SAY YOUR GRANTS CAN NOT BE USED AGAINST YOUR HOUSEHOLDS INCOME LIMITS. BUT IF YOU ARE IN SCHOOL AND GETTING THESE GRANTS THEN YOU ARE ALSO BEING FORCED TO WORK A MINIMUM OF 20 HOURS A WEEK, SO YOUR AID IS NOW DROPPED TO AT LEAST HALF OF WHAT IT WAS, WHICH EQUATES TO MAYBE $90 OR LESS IN SNAP/FOODSTAMPS A MONTH. NOT REALLY WORTH THE HASSLE RIGHT?
Work at least 20 hours a week; <<<<<< AND THERE IT IS
Are taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 6;
Are taking care of a dependent household member over the age of 5 but under 12 and do not have adequate child care to enable them to attend school and work a minimum of 20 hours, or to take part in a State or federally financed work study program; or
Are assigned to or placed in a college or certain other schools through:
A program under the Workforce Investment Act of 1998, <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL
A program under Section 236 of the Trade Act of 1974,
>>>>Sec. 31-236-57. Eligibility of an individual in training approved under the Trade Act
of 1974
a. The Administrator shall not deny benefits to an otherwise eligible individual for any
week because he is in training approved under Section 236(a)(1) of the Trade Act of
1974, or because he left work to enter such training, provided the work left is not
suitable work, or because, during any week he was in such training, the
Administrator found he was unavailable for work, failed to make reasonable efforts
to obtain work or refused to accept work.
b. For purposes of this regulation, "suitable work" means, with respect to an
individual, work of a substantially equal or higher skill level than the individual’s
past adversely affected employment, as defined for purposes of the Trade Act of
1974, and wages for such work at not less than eighty percent of the individual’s
average weekly wage as determined for purposes of the Trade Act of 1974.<<<< UM, AND WHEN HAS A CERTIFICATE REALLY MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH THIS IN TODAYS NEW WORLD? THAT IS WITHOUT THE THOUSANDS IN DEBT THE STUDENT WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE ON. YOU WOULD THINK GETTING AN ACTUAL DEGREE WOULD FALL UNDER THIS ACT THESE DAYS. EMPLOYERS ARE REQUIRING A DEGREE TO FLIP BURGERS IN MANY CASES.
An employment and training program under the Food Stamp Act, or <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL
An employment and training program operated by a State or local government. <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL
Also, a single parent enrolled full time in college and taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 12 can get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible. AND HERE IS WHERE THOSE KIDS COME IN TO PLAY AGAIN....
http://foodstampguide.org/11a-special-rules-for-students/
Exceptions
Individuals can get food stamps if they meet one of the following requirements. [7 C.F.R. §§ 273.5 (b); MPP § 63-406.211.]
LIES!
Employed 20 hours a week based on a reasonably anticipated monthly average [ACL 12-37]; or
Receiving federal or state work-study money. AND HERE IS WHERE YOU FIND THE LIE>>>>>>“Receiving” means when the student is approved for state or federally work study (NO MENTION OF THOSE GRANTS AND STUFF HERE, HUH?!) for the current school term, and anticipates working during the term. The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the school term ends [MPP § 63-406.212]; or
63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.121 If mental or physical unfitness for employment is claimed and the unfitness is not
evident to the CWD, verification shall be required. Appropriate verification may consist
of receipt of temporary or permanent disability benefits issued by governmental or
private sources, or a statement from a physician or licensed or certified psychologist. ( I WAS NEVER ASKED ABOUT THIS NOR WAS I TOLD WHY I WAS BEING DENIED AND FINED FOR THE TEMPORARY AID RECEIVED UNTIL AFTER BEING BILLED AND AFTER MULTIPLE REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION THAT I WAS NOT GRANTED I WAS FORCED TO DO THE RESEARCH YOU ARE NOW READING JUST TO UNDERSTAND AND CLARIFY WHAT THISBITCH PERSON WAS BASING HER CLAIM ON. SO I AM A STUDENT EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT REGISTERED OR ENROLLED IN ANY COURSES OVER THE SEMESTER IN PROGRESS AT THE TIME OF MY REQUEST FOR AID BASED ON THIS PILE OF BULLSHIT THAT SOME ASSHOLES BUREAUCRATS PUT TOGETHER FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE POOR PEOPLE. AMAZING HOW MUCH TIME COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF SHE HAD DONE HER JOB AND ANSWERED MY NUMEROUS REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION. THAT LACK OF AN ANSWER THOUGH, THAT WAS AGAINST THE RIGHTS OF THE APPLICANT. SHE IS REQUIRED TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, WHICH SHE DID NOT. SO I AM FUCKED BUT MAYBE THIS WILL BE A TINY LOOPHOLE? I DOUBT IT BUT CRAZIER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.)
.2 Eligibility Requirements.
.21 In order to be eligible to participate in the Food Stamp Program, any student (as defined in
Section 63-406.1) shall meet at least one of the following criteria on the date of the interview:
.211 Be employed for a minimum of twenty hours per week and be paid for such employment
or, if self-employed, be employed for a minimum of 20 hours per week and receive gross
weekly earnings at least equal to the federal minimum wage multiplied by 20 hours;
(See Section 63-408.111 and Section 63-502.112).
CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03
Page 177 FOOD STAMP REGULATIONS
63-406 (Cont.) ELIGIBILITY STANDARDS Regulations
63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.212 Be approved for state or federally financed work study for the current school term, as
defined by the institution, and anticipate working during the term.
The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is
approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the
school term ends, or it becomes known that the student refused a work assignment.
The exemption shall not continue between terms when there is a break of a full month or
longer unless the student is participating in work study during the break.
22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out.
.221 Student eligibility criteria shall be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants
who are students as defined in Section 63-406.1. The student eligibility criteria shall
also be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants who are noncontinuing
students in the final month of student status. <<<< SO I ASSUME THIS WOULD MEAN THE DROP-OUTS, GRADUATES, SUSPENDED OR EXPELLED? NOT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ENROLLED IN CLASSES FOR THE PREVIOUS/CURRENT SEMESTER. WHAT A FUCKING PILE OF BULLSHIT.
CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03
Page 179
Now tell me the system doesn't need to be fixed. Tell me it isn't broken. Tell me there is logic in this system. And if you still are not convinced then let me add that if a person chooses to just sit and rot on aid then they can. All the better for them. Then they do not have the plethora of hoops to jump through to better their situation. And if you add popping out a kid here and there a person can have a pretty cush life. A struggling life but still one not lacking in food, cash, medical, education (if you can really call it that), and any other number of options to pick from.... And with all the bitching and complaining this nation does about having to aid the poor, they punish the poor for what the government has created. For what the government has forced them to choose from. From what the government chooses to support. IT IS YOUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS FUCKING YOU!! IT IS NOT THE POOR! WAKE THE FUCK UP!
22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out.
So, to clarify this bit from the State Food Stamp Regulation Manual- if you were a student at a 2 year or 4 year college and you were not suspended or expelled and you did not drop out then you will continue to be 'a student' whether you are enrolled or not. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, right? So this means that you do not qualify for aid. You must be suspended, expelled, graduate or drop out to qualify for aid again. That's the way to support education? LOL! If you just couldn't afford a semester or lost your transportation or were sick or any number of other issues people face daily then you are still fucked. But if you 'drop out' you lose all your funding for the future. Same thing if you are suspended or expelled.. Our system supports these negatives. Amazing.
http://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/students
Most able-bodied students ages 18 through 49 who are enrolled in college or other institutions of higher education at least half time are not eligible for SNAP benefits. However, students may be able to get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible and they:
Get public assistance benefits under a Title IV-A program;
THIS IS A LIE. THE PROGRAMS ARE LISTED BUT ONLY ONE- FEDERAL WORK STUDY- IS ACKNOWLEDGED. THIS WAY THEY CAN DENY YOU IN BETWEEN SEMESTERS AND SUCH, THEY ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS WHEN THEY CAN USE THEM TO WORK AROUND THE TITLE IV-A CLAUSE. OTHERWISE, THEY DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS, VACATION TIME, OR RECESS SO BASICALLY THEY ACCEPT NOTHING AS NON-SCHOOL TIME EXCEPT WHEN IT AFFECTS TITLE IV-A.
Take part in a State or federally financed work study program; THIS IS WHAT THEY ACKNOWLEDGE. GRANTS AND SUCH DO NOT GET ACKNOWLEDGED AT ALL UNTIL IT COMES TO WHAT CAN AND CAN NOT BE JUDGED AS INCOME AGAINST YOUR AID. IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT THEY SAY YOUR GRANTS CAN NOT BE USED AGAINST YOUR HOUSEHOLDS INCOME LIMITS. BUT IF YOU ARE IN SCHOOL AND GETTING THESE GRANTS THEN YOU ARE ALSO BEING FORCED TO WORK A MINIMUM OF 20 HOURS A WEEK, SO YOUR AID IS NOW DROPPED TO AT LEAST HALF OF WHAT IT WAS, WHICH EQUATES TO MAYBE $90 OR LESS IN SNAP/FOODSTAMPS A MONTH. NOT REALLY WORTH THE HASSLE RIGHT?
Work at least 20 hours a week; <<<<<< AND THERE IT IS
Are taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 6;
Are taking care of a dependent household member over the age of 5 but under 12 and do not have adequate child care to enable them to attend school and work a minimum of 20 hours, or to take part in a State or federally financed work study program; or
Are assigned to or placed in a college or certain other schools through:
A program under the Workforce Investment Act of 1998, <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL
A program under Section 236 of the Trade Act of 1974,
>>>>Sec. 31-236-57. Eligibility of an individual in training approved under the Trade Act
of 1974
a. The Administrator shall not deny benefits to an otherwise eligible individual for any
week because he is in training approved under Section 236(a)(1) of the Trade Act of
1974, or because he left work to enter such training, provided the work left is not
suitable work, or because, during any week he was in such training, the
Administrator found he was unavailable for work, failed to make reasonable efforts
to obtain work or refused to accept work.
b. For purposes of this regulation, "suitable work" means, with respect to an
individual, work of a substantially equal or higher skill level than the individual’s
past adversely affected employment, as defined for purposes of the Trade Act of
1974, and wages for such work at not less than eighty percent of the individual’s
average weekly wage as determined for purposes of the Trade Act of 1974.<<<< UM, AND WHEN HAS A CERTIFICATE REALLY MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH THIS IN TODAYS NEW WORLD? THAT IS WITHOUT THE THOUSANDS IN DEBT THE STUDENT WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE ON. YOU WOULD THINK GETTING AN ACTUAL DEGREE WOULD FALL UNDER THIS ACT THESE DAYS. EMPLOYERS ARE REQUIRING A DEGREE TO FLIP BURGERS IN MANY CASES.
An employment and training program under the Food Stamp Act, or <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL
An employment and training program operated by a State or local government. <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL
Also, a single parent enrolled full time in college and taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 12 can get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible. AND HERE IS WHERE THOSE KIDS COME IN TO PLAY AGAIN....
http://foodstampguide.org/11a-special-rules-for-students/
Exceptions
Individuals can get food stamps if they meet one of the following requirements. [7 C.F.R. §§ 273.5 (b); MPP § 63-406.211.]
LIES!
Employed 20 hours a week based on a reasonably anticipated monthly average [ACL 12-37]; or
Receiving federal or state work-study money. AND HERE IS WHERE YOU FIND THE LIE>>>>>>“Receiving” means when the student is approved for state or federally work study (NO MENTION OF THOSE GRANTS AND STUFF HERE, HUH?!) for the current school term, and anticipates working during the term. The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the school term ends [MPP § 63-406.212]; or
63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.121 If mental or physical unfitness for employment is claimed and the unfitness is not
evident to the CWD, verification shall be required. Appropriate verification may consist
of receipt of temporary or permanent disability benefits issued by governmental or
private sources, or a statement from a physician or licensed or certified psychologist. ( I WAS NEVER ASKED ABOUT THIS NOR WAS I TOLD WHY I WAS BEING DENIED AND FINED FOR THE TEMPORARY AID RECEIVED UNTIL AFTER BEING BILLED AND AFTER MULTIPLE REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION THAT I WAS NOT GRANTED I WAS FORCED TO DO THE RESEARCH YOU ARE NOW READING JUST TO UNDERSTAND AND CLARIFY WHAT THIS
.2 Eligibility Requirements.
.21 In order to be eligible to participate in the Food Stamp Program, any student (as defined in
Section 63-406.1) shall meet at least one of the following criteria on the date of the interview:
.211 Be employed for a minimum of twenty hours per week and be paid for such employment
or, if self-employed, be employed for a minimum of 20 hours per week and receive gross
weekly earnings at least equal to the federal minimum wage multiplied by 20 hours;
(See Section 63-408.111 and Section 63-502.112).
CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03
Page 177 FOOD STAMP REGULATIONS
63-406 (Cont.) ELIGIBILITY STANDARDS Regulations
63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.212 Be approved for state or federally financed work study for the current school term, as
defined by the institution, and anticipate working during the term.
The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is
approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the
school term ends, or it becomes known that the student refused a work assignment.
The exemption shall not continue between terms when there is a break of a full month or
longer unless the student is participating in work study during the break.
22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out.
.221 Student eligibility criteria shall be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants
who are students as defined in Section 63-406.1. The student eligibility criteria shall
also be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants who are noncontinuing
students in the final month of student status. <<<< SO I ASSUME THIS WOULD MEAN THE DROP-OUTS, GRADUATES, SUSPENDED OR EXPELLED? NOT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ENROLLED IN CLASSES FOR THE PREVIOUS/CURRENT SEMESTER. WHAT A FUCKING PILE OF BULLSHIT.
CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03
Page 179
Monday, August 11, 2014
Why I 'Get' Suicide
So one of this planets funniest and most lovely comedians took his life today. When I read it it hit me like a brick. I cried and mourned this mans pain and decision to stop it, but I also got it. I do. I get it. When you are battling depression in a time when deceit and ugliness are ruling the world it's like drowning, coming near death and being pulled back up only to drift back out and down again. People are cruel. The world is overflowing with cruel people, many running the systems that control our lives. But it isn't just the big bad people in government and politics or Hollywood, but the little people just waiting for an opportunity to negatively affect other peoples lives. Often and sadly, they look for those in need the most to torture. I know this personally. It seems to never end. I currently have everything I own on Craigslist and I just wasted 2 weeks getting my hopes up by yet another waste of flesh out to deceive. What is the worst part are not the hours and days spent photographing every damn thing I own for this person or sitting in a bedroom surrounded by piles of my life that are suffocating me because I need money more than I need stuff, but it is the way this person continually led me on. The way they got not only my hopes up but my sons as well and the way they affirmed repeatedly that they wanted everything and they were going to come pick it up. It always amazes me how people can make set plans and then just disappear. No integrity. No common decency. Not even an god damn excuse. Just nothing. Every single time I get my hopes up, and it takes a lot for me to even begin to have hope anymore, these 'people' just disappear. My sister in law, my so called best friend, craigslist people in numbers too high to think about, my parents, friends (not all but far far too many), they all get my hopes up and then just fucking disappear. This even when I have pleaded with them to please not make any offers they plan on not following through with because it triggers this 'desire to go' in such a way that it takes weeks to overcome. One day I will not find a way to overcome it anymore. I am already at the stage where to end it does not even create an emotion in me anymore. No fear or dread. That scares me more than anything else and it is so easily avoided if people would just stop. Stop pretending to care. Stop talking when you have nothing of value to say. Just stop. STOP. I wonder if Robin was battling something like this. I wonder if he was tired of all the fake people and all their words. I wonder if he could have been saved by something so simple as a little integrity and hope. I wonder. I wonder. I wonder.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
25 Characteristics You May Find In Those Who Are Awakening
The Link To The Original Piece... I AM 22 OUT OF THE 25. ONE I CHOOSE AND THE OTHER TWO I AM WORKING ON AS THEY BOTH SOMEWHAT RELATE TO ONE ANOTHER. HOW DID YOU SCORE? TRUTHFULLY?
There is no doubt the Earth is evolving spiritually. People are experiencing intense changes within their life, work, behaviors and personal relationships. Many are awakening at a rate that can only be described as phenomenal. So how do we know if we are awakening? Here are 25 common characteristics you may find in yourself and others.
Some of you may experience things not on this list and I encourage you to share your experiences in the comments below. We are all unique and many of us are experiencing phenomenon that are difficult to explain at this time. We are all learning from each other.
1. Being in public places is sometimes overwhelming. Since our walls between self and other are dissolving, we haven’t really learned to distinguish between someone else’s energy and our own. If the general mood of the crowd is herd-like or negative, we can feel this acutely, and may feel like retreating into our own private space. When we have recharged our batteries with meditation, spending time in nature, far away from other people, or just sitting in quiet contemplation, we are ready to be with the masses again. In personal relationships, we often will feel someone else’s emotions as our own. It is important to have this higher sense of empathy, but we must learn to allow another person’s emotions while observing them and keeping our empathy, but, realizing that not all emotions belong to us. Social influence can dampen our own innate wisdom.
2. We understand our current paradigm, more than we understand ourselves. We see the big picture and marvel and the duality of our world including why polarity consciousness has brought us to where it has today. We no longer see life choices and right or wrong, good or bad, just choices defined by the neutral frequencies that we later define. Unity consciousness is allowing us to spread the message of unity consciousness to all of humanity that will allow us to heal our division and change the misery of our human beings to abundance within a global community filled with love for each other and not fear of each other.
3. We know things without having to intellectually figure them out. Often called intuitive awareness, we have ‘a-ha’ moments and insights that can explain some of the most complex theories or phenomenon in the world. Some of the most brilliant minds of our time just ‘know.’ Adepts and sages often were given downloads of information from higher states of consciousness after meditating or being in the presence of a more conscious individual; this is happening for more people with more frequency. As we trust our intuition more often, it grows stronger. This is a time of ‘thinking’ with our hearts more than our heads. Our guts will no longer be ignored. Our dreams are becoming precognitive and eventually our conscious thoughts will be as well.
4. We acknowledge our imperfection and how beautiful it is to be an imperfect version of our true selves. We thrive on challenging only ourselves, and not through competition at the expense of another, especially since we have no need to judge those who are exactly where they need to be.
5. Watching television or most of main stream media, including newspapers and many Hollywood movies is very distasteful to us. The mindset that creates much, but not all, of the programming on television and in cinema is abhorrent. It commodifies people and promotes violence. It reduces our intelligence and numbs our natural empathetic response to someone in pain.
6. We no longer have a need to attach our love to material things, understanding that it only leads to misery because we are not learning to love ourselves and others. The mentality only leads to further acquisition of more things. Although things too are part of consciousness, they do not allow humans to accelerate the mass consciousness required to change the world. Only love for ourselves and others can do that. Love is knowing the deservability and worthiness of all. We are loved so unconditionally by Creation that we can even choose to believe that we are not loved.
7. Lying to us is nearly impossible. We may not know exactly what truth you are withholding, but we can also tell that something isn’t right. We also know when you have other emotions, pain, love, etc. that you aren’t expressing. You’re an open book to us. We aren’t trained in counter-intelligence, we are just observant and knowing. While we may pick up on physical cues, we can look into your eyes and know what you are feeling.
8. We may pick up symptoms of your cold, just like men who get morning sickness when their wives are pregnant. Sympathy pains, whether emotional or physical, are something we experience often. We tend to absorb emotion through the solar plexus, considered the place we ‘stomach emotion’ so as we learn to strengthen this chakra center, we may sometimes develop digestive issues. Grounding to the earth can help to re-establish our emotional center. Walking barefoot is a great way to re-ground.
9. We tend to root for the underdog, those without voices, those who have been beaten down by the matrix, etc. We are very compassionate people, and these marginalized individuals often need more love. People can sense our loving hearts, so complete strangers will often tell us their life stories or approach us with their problems. While we don’t want to be a dumping ground for everyone’s issues, we are also a good ear for those working through their stuff.
10. We don’t feel the need to awaken every person we see. Within a few sentences we can interpret their level of comfort in discussions relating to consciousness. When necessary, we plant a seed and if it’s meant to grow it will. We understand that attempting to awaken those who are not ready is toxic to their sensibilities.
11. If we don’t learn how to set proper boundaries, we can get tired easily from taking on other people’s emotions. Energy Vampires are drawn to us like flies to paper, so we need to be extra vigilant in protecting ourselves at times.
12. We are all becoming healers. We naturally gravitate toward healing fields, acupuncture, reiki, Qi-Gong, yoga, massage, midwifery, etc. are fields we often find ourselves in. We know that the collective needs to be healed, and so we try our best to offer healing in whatever form we are most drawn to. We also turn away from the ‘traditional’ forms of healing ourselves. Preferring natural foods, herbs, and holistic medicine as ways to cure every ailment.
13. We see the possibilities before others do. Just like when the church told Copernicus he was wrong, and he stood by his heliocentric theory, we know what the masses refuse to believe. Our minds are light-years ahead.
14. We are creative. We sing, dance, paint, invent, or write. We have amazing imaginations.
15. We fully accept that we can only attract what is within our vibrational field. There are no experiences that we can obtain in physical form without attracting them from a vibrational perspective. That includes the most horrific experiences and the most beautiful ones. What we are learning to do is accept relationships and experiences for what they are. People and experiences are serving as reflections to teach us something about ourselves.
16. We don’t question what love is, why it is or how it presents itself. We know it is everywhere, in everyone and everything, all permeating and infinite.
17. We require more solitude than the average person.
18. We might get bored easily, but we are really good at entertaining ourselves.
19. We have a difficult time doing things we don’t want to do or don’t really enjoy. We really do believe life was meant to be an expression of joy. Why waste it doing something you hate? We aren’t lazy, we are discerning.
20. We are obsessed with bringing the truth to light.
21. We don’t live in fear of anything. Any and all changes coming, no matter how much they are perceived as negative or dramatic on our Earth, are being designed by us. We have past the point of no return and the Earth is ascending to a higher state of consciousness. Nothing will stop it now.
22. We can’t keep track of time. Our imaginations often get away with us and a day can feel like a minute, a week, a day.
23. We abhor routine.
24. We often disagree with authority (for obvious reasons). Some people call it “anarchy” without a true understanding of what that word or our governments really are.
25. We will often be kind, but if you are egotistical or rude, we won’t spend much time with you or find an excuse to not hang out with people who are obsessed with themselves. We don’t ‘get’ people who are insensitive to other people’s feelings or points of view.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Josh Richardson is a blogger, healer, and a constant pursuer of the natural state of human consciousness.
Credits: John Richardson, Prevent Disease, Guest contributor.
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