Monday, August 26, 2013

For Shits and Giggles- OKCupid and My Odd Profile/Journal

I have this odd comfortableness on OKCupid. I don't fully understand why, but I can go onto my profile page and just vomit everything out. I don't have any concerns with what anyone thinks and it just flows so easily. On the other hand, I can not journal to save my life. I just stare at the blank page or screen and freeze. I have a theory about OKC though. I have managed to come to one conclusion; the people I want to hear me, and the people that NEED to hear me are right there. All the fucked up narcissistic sociopaths are swimming around OKC day in and day out and 90% of my animosity, anger and emotional pain has been caused by these kinds of people, and two that have pages on OKC as well. So my target audience IS the OKC crew. Going there and letting loose is like a warm blanket on a cold ass day. I'm that comfortable writing there. So... since I blank when I attempt to blog I figure this is where I will begin. I will post my OKC profile here, so you can really grasp the crazy and the words I am forever trying to get heard. Eventually, I might start posting some of the messages I receive as well. Once you have read my profile and then read some of the messages sent to me you might have a good laugh or two, or you might get as pissed as I do at how blatantly blind people choose to be. They like my photo and they claim to read my profile yet they seem to miss the messages being said over and over and over, times infinity.

And people wonder why I think there is no one left to trust or any reason to bother investing in a mate anymore. It's because of this. This chosen blindness. This chosen need to put on a mask and basically expect me to put one on too so they feel like they aren't the fucked up people that they actually are... that we all are. I say wear your flaws openly. Stop trying to be anyone else. Be you. Be ugly, rude, hateful, kind, compassionate, freaky-dinky. Just be proud to be what and who you are. People will come eventually. YOUR people will come and  you won't have to take anymore shit from people trying to change you anymore. I can respect an asshole who doesn't pretend to be a nice person. I might not choose to hang out with you, but I can respect you. So anyway, here it is. Me in a nutshell. All broken, angry and shit. Raw. Very raw.

My self-summary
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
George Eliot

Yeah, laughing is what stands between death and survival.
(I think I am going to have this tattooed on me next!)

I need a mechanic, or a free car. I'll wish for a mechanic though. The car thing seems to be WAY out of my reach. In reality 70% of the people I know are mechanics yet not a one is willing to throw me a damn bone and come help with this friggin' car that I already know needs to be put out to pasture, but my kid needs to get to work and I am far too broke to afford labor fees or anything else. I may never get over my hate for 'that person' who pushed me to sell my totally reliable car or myself for doing it, or at least not buying something else immediately after, rather than waiting too long and having to buy a clunker. Of course 'that person' told me to buy it and told me he would work on it etc. etc. but never even popped the hood in the continuing 5 months I supported his ass. And you wonder why I don't believe in love anymore, or have any faith that anyone will ever live up to their word. IT'S BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO. EVER. Even my Mom, or both my parents for that matter. Blah blah blah, "Oh did I say that? No. No, I didn't." Because if they admitted they said yadda yadda yadda they would have to admit they are all full of shit. The world is overflowing with people that are full of shit. You know how I know this? I'm like a shit magnet. I hit 18 years old and all I attract is shit... Some shit is less horrible than others, but ultimately, all shit. Even here 90% of what comes in is total bullshit and the rest is ignorant of the fact that I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. I will be a friend but I WILL NOT DATE YOU. I WILL NOT SUDDENLY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU. Period. How many people are going to hear this from me and act like they get it but then not get it? Some nice people too but for whatever reason they all want more and here is a bit of advice men... if a woman's life is shit, and she is openly admitting it's shittyness and not hiding any of it, you might want to NOT be attracted to that. Why can't I just have a few friends? You can't save me. My life is too far gone for that Son. If you want to lend me money or a car you can help me out but you can't save me from the atrocity that has become my life, and I don't want you too. I want a helping hand not a savior. I want to get up and dust myself off all by myself but at this point my ego is broken enough to realize this isn't gonna happen. I may be forever belittling myself by asking for help but at this point I have very little pride left. I just want to move forward. I just want to breathe a bit and maybe have a few good days in between the shit storms. And I want one single person to be real, truthful and caring. One person. Just one is all I need. One is the loneliest number though....

I am discovering that all my high percentile matches are either Aries/computer people or Pisces/computer people... ixnay on the Pisces... sorry, but it has been proven that me and a Pisces are NOT capable of interaction on any level. None. What's up with the computer thing though? Must be a brain processing issue. Hmmm. Something to ponder.

Since I get the "why do you have an OKC account if you don't want to date/hook-up etc." question on a regular basis, here is the answer: I have had this account for 8 or 9 years from back in the Myspace days, before Facebook won the social network wars. Back then the only place to access surveys and fun things like that was here, but you were required to open an account to access them (This included when you were in Myspace and doing a survey someone else posted. To get your 'result' it would send you here.) So... that is the how and why of my OKC account. Now it is to keep in touch with a handful of friends that have gotten lost in Facebook's non-stop unwanted restructuring that has made seeing anything by people you actually want to interact with near impossible.

Friends... just looking for friends.... nothing else. Life's difficult enough ya know? This relationship thing is just beyond me at this point. Isn't it suppose to be a level give and take most of the time? I've decided that I have had enough of men for 3 or 4 lifetimes. Never take me as stupid. I see a lot, but I will wait until I have proof to back my shit up and to make my move. People have always underestimated me. That's the wrong move Son. My kindness should never be taken as stupidity. Yes, I made a bad choice and trusted the wrong person/people. You can only face your reality to move forward. To ignore your reality is to guarantee a life of pain, failure and loneliness.

Jake: I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place. <<<< Exactly.

I'm just realizing that love is not enough and it makes me sad.
Hope doesn't cut it either. No wonder there are so many bitter people in the world. Doesn't anyone know how a relationship works?????

I wish I was at Hogwarts. Seriously. I really mean this. It isn't here to be cute. I am not cute. I'm unique.

My 'kids' are adults. 21 and 25, and they will always be my babies, and the most important people in my life. Hands down. No man, woman, deity or beast will ever take that top place in my heart or my life...
What I’m doing with my life
Changing my hair color. Platinum blonde at the moment... meh. Not even worth taking a photo since it will probably be something different within the month. I am so ready to be not here anymore and wake up in a new place. My hair might get a break once my life is in my control again. Maybe. I bore myself so I try to change that on occasion.

What I'm Doing With My Life
Trying to move it all along.
Consuming BBC TV like it's oxygen... The Fades! Brilliant. Gavin and Stacey, Tidy!

(Grosse Point Blank has some of the BEST things to quote. IMO.)
Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.

I'm Really Good At
Being me.....


Pretending I am OK. Pretending I am a hard ass. Pretending that you can't hurt me....

Finding the shit you don't want me to know about. It's like some sick force that keeps on bringing out what I have had enough viewing of as it is... I do not need to see just how sick the people I have loved actually are. I have become aware of enough. The universe must stop revealing these things to me about people I am not physically and emotionally 'with' anymore. Let the new chicks in their lives discover their dark sides. I don't want nor need to see anymore. This just makes it more difficult to trust ANYONE ever again. Enough already. Plus, it makes me feel like shit that these new woman may not know what ugliness lies beneath these men's outward appearances. Which makes me feel guilty for not telling them, and I am sick and tired of worrying about people I don't even like or who are too stupid to bother looking into who the hell they are exposing their children to. Gawd. It is all so disheartening.

The First Things People Usually Notice About Me
That's a question better answered by the people meeting me.
You love me or you don't. You appreciate my truthfulness or you don't. You accept my kindness as real or you wait for me to fuck up. I am kind though. Far too kind.

Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.
Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: The Gunslinger (If you haven't read it then damn it... DO IT!) Harry Potter... all of them. I read Bird by Bird (Some Instructions on Writing and Life). It's worth every minute of reading. I am re-reading Stephen King's On Writing because damn it if that man hasn't had an interesting life.

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music and Food
Movies: Field Of Dreams. Possibly one of the greatest movies ever. Green Street Hooligans!!! John Cusack. The Piv. I am a movie addict. I cross all the lines in the genre department. I prefer to get a good laugh though and feel a connection to the characters. Spanglish is on my top 100 list. I really dig watching series too. Soprano's, Roseanne, Dead Like Me, Weeds, Dexter, True Blood, Being Human (BBC version. I LOVE BBC TV) etc.

Food: I like food. I hate food. I LOVE to feed people though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy!
Sushi and basic Japanese food rock my socks too.
I make the most amazing sandwiches.... I do. I swear. Ask anyone who's had one!!!

I seem to have lost my music here in OKC profile hell. I suppose this is a sign that my page is too full, but I can't win the 'Longest Profile Page' award if I delete anything, so here is a very short list: Modest Mouse, Pinback which has since been ruined by my ex's need to play them for his new chick far too often and that really pisses me off too. Old punk, old Police, hell most 80's music, Black Tide, Rebelution, Iration, Redbone, Bad Religion (#1 Fav), The Cramps, Postal Service, uh, crap, I should open my Spotify... AWOLNATION (LOVE), Macklemore (I'm gonna pop some tags...), older Ben Harper, Interpol, old G- Love and Special Sauce, and Alien Ant Farm. Hopefully this short list is versatile enough to get the point across. I like a lot of music from a lot of different sides of the music realm.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without
1. My kids
2. Books. Many many books.
3. Music- Old Punk, 80's (being a child/Teen of that time), Iration, Rebelution, Black Tide, old Police etc.
4. Skin care stuff. I am obsessive about my skin.
5. Friends, although I have been doing without any face-to-face friends for a long time now, and it is killing me.
6. I am rediscovering art. I've missed it, so now I am trying to reconnect.

I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking About
The struggle. Moving forward instead of being in limbo. Far easier to think than do.
Time and how fast it goes by and leaves us reeling in the aftermath of what we were too busy to notice...
Such as the time to give. I am not a quitter by nature, and it seems to be the bane of my existence.

...Why I think I will ever find someone with the will to move forward rather than sit in the same spot or live in the past. The past is fine to visit but the NOW is what the focus should be on, as the later will come either way...

Sheep. I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to see what the attraction is to being a sheep. It pains me to see this everywhere. It pains me to get bitched at by people on OKC about how I am not fitting into their idea of what a person on here should be. I don't want to be you, or her, or them. I CHOOSE ME. I'm special in a way most of you will never get to know because I see through you and I can't respect you although I can accept your choices as long as they don't touch me. I can respect you for being you but not for being anyone else. It's the one gift we all get. The choice to be ourselves. Why so many choose to be the status quo is beyond me but if it actually makes you happy, which is rare in my experience, than you go Boy or Girl or You. I can respect it if it is true and it makes you happy all the way through. I always prefer the company of an asshole who knows and accepts that this is who they are than a 'nice' person who is faking it. Why? Why bother? Just be real. You will find your people if you just stop wearing your masks or following the herd.

"To hold on to sanity too tight is insane. "
Pushing Tin

On A Typical Friday Night I Am
Doing homework.
Watching netflix streaming. I am so out of good options. Even Korean soaps aren't cutting it anymore. Sigh...
Trying to tap into my creative side again. Dreaming of drawing, painting, sculpting and a plethora of other things I really wish I could afford to pursue.
Trying to ignore the fact that it is just another day- SSDD. Did I really once get excited for the weekend? I did. I remember it; barely.

The Most Private Thing I Am Willing to Admit
I'm a bit self-righteous. I work hard to be a decent person and I believe anyone who wants any kind of interaction with other persons ( that is a positive interaction) should also be willing to work hard for it... so, if you walk all over people or treat them like trash and piss and whine about it then I really have no sympathy for you. If you work hard for those relationships and piss and whine, then I can give you all the support you need for as long as it takes. Yep, I am self-righteous, but it is because in most cases you can be better and do a hell of alot more. Life is one long work of art. Real art is made from blood, sweat and tears, and so life is too. So suck it if my belief that you can do and be more scares you or pisses you off.

I screw up... often. If I can lower my pride and admit my faults and if it can't be forgiven then I suppose I don't need people like that in my life. I'm big on forgiveness. It's truly one of the hardest things to give another person. It's also hard to find people that can give that back. Life is strange.
This trait sucks. It's gets you a lot of wasted time. It makes you question yourself. I don't like that. I prefer not to question myself but I seem to do it often.
I was homeless for 3 years right out of high school. Real homeless. Hungry, cold, no where to go homeless. Think Suburbia. Penelope Spheeris version. I could relate to that movie in ways you can't imagine. I even knew a few of the 'actors'. You may notice Flea, from The Red Hot Chili Peppers in it; he was Rat Boy to us back in those days. Him and that damn rat.
I've experienced my first true deep dark depression this last year. It's a scary place and I wish it upon no one.

UPDATE: I almost feel for a guy. Someone I have 'known' online for many many years. He hurt me. Indifference and words with zero actions or promises with zero actions are not being kind to a person. BE REAL IN ALL YOUR FAULTS AND GLORIES. BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It's the only possible way to ever truly have a shot at a happy relationship. WORD.

Is that all private enough for you?

I’m Looking For
Ages 35–47
Located anywhere
Who are single
For new friends, long-distance penpals

You Should Message Me If
UPDATE: Still not a potential mate, as I have zero faith in love at this point. Love your kids and be well. That's my advice for you.
If you are a Gym Rat then PLEASE, I beg of you... pass on by. I am not interested. Being fit is fine, but I would rather have a fat happy guy than a fit sociopath any day, and there seems to be a connection with people obsessed with one particular thing and neuroticism. Be it the gym or YoVille... there is a connection and I have no desire to get near that EVER again. I have had far too many Neurotics in my life in the last couple decades, thank you very much.
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:

  • An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
  • Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
  • A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
  • Difficulty with empathy
  • Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
  • Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
  • Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
  • Haughty body language
  • Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
  • Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
  • Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
  • Pretending to be more important than they really are
  • Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
  • Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
  • Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
  • Denial of remorse and gratitude

DON'T IM me saying I'm sexy, you want to meet me in person, you want to make out with me or any other ridiculous thing that you might say to a potential mate... I AM NOT A POTENTIAL MATE. If I ever am I will make it known. If you're in the mood to fight or just ruffle someones feathers I can hold my own but will most likely just not bother to waste the energy. Well, that is unless the subject interests me.

And BTW... Just a little advice from a Woman to a Man....
You ready??????? You sure? Mkay.....
You don't look sexy, you look like you are hiding something. You look like you don't have any confidence in yourself. You look CREEPY.

Update: I am adding here for me personally, those damn shots of you nekkid, baring your abs, flexing, hanging out with cheerleaders or Hooters girls, laying in your bed, or looking stern... they make my skin crawl. If you find a woman that thinks any of these things makes you more of a man than you deserve her and all the shit she is going to bring you. True story. Same with the woman. If you are choosing your chicks based on various shots of tits, ass, abs etcetera, then yeah, you get what you choose there Boys. This being a woman lacking inner strength or a broken soul. A narcissist. A little girl with Daddy issues. Have fun with that; not a ride anyone will enjoy in the end. Trust me on this one too!

I don't trust a woman with no eyebrows or a man who won't take his sunglasses off and I never gamble next to an Asian older woman. The men are lucky... the woman suck you dry. I assume that they are literally consuming all the luck you may have had before they sat down next to you. It's weird. I wonder how they do that. Really wish I knew how to do that myself....

So anyway, back to my point.... "The eyes are the windows to the soul...." So stop that sunglasses thing guys!

Meh. I probably won't reply either way so don't take it personal. You should see me try to interact in person.... it's really just painful.

You're John Cusack....
You're Michael Socha (Being Human BBC. I LOVE BBC)

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process. < WORD!!!
John Cusack

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