Just a few months ago I was truly prepared to end my life. In all honesty, I still struggle to fight that urge but I am not in an abusive place now, so I am hoping for better days. Anyway, leaving my kids is the only thing that ever created any true barrier for me and the distance I have had from my kids has meant that I haven’t seen my son in a year or my daughter since June. I have a lot still to say to them before I go and on this particular day I was determined to attempt to get it out, just in case my courage stayed with me. The funny thing is that by the time I had written this ‘note’ I was past the ‘moment’ as well. So, the suicide note, which was really a very long letter saved my life that day. Since I still want to make sure my words get to the people I love, and life is truly unpredictable, as we all should know by now, I have decided to post it here. I am hoping it will a) get to the people I love, but maybe with happiness rather than mourning since I am still here (yay), and b) maybe help someone else decide to write before they make that very final move to end their life. And c) maybe make people understand how suicide is not for the weak as is often stated by people. It takes serious guts and deep dark pain to actually accept the finality and loss of ones life as the only escape left. I am a coward and actually pretty glad about that right now because I am still here, but not too long ago I almost wasn’t... XXOO
To my son:
I love you. I wanted to get things taken care of but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen and I am not sure I can take any more. I hope you have a wonderful life and I want so badly to know that you finally find happiness and your spot in this world. You mean everything to me as does your sister and I am sorry I failed you both but I tried. I promise I tried. All your stuff is in the ‘storage room/our old kitchen room’ and you have 2 boxes on the shelf in the closet in the hallway and the amp is on the floor of the closet. I don't know if I have the guts to end all this right now but either way I want you to know how loved you are. I am so very proud to have been your mom. You are such a strong young man. I wish I could be there to continue to watch you grow throughout life but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me and I am so tired and have lost the will to keep fighting a losing battle with life and more than that my mother. You lived here so you have some perspective on it but its worse now because I keep failing at getting out of here and she just keeps getting angrier. I can’t take any more of it. I want peace. I need peace, finally.
To my daughter:
I don’t even know where to begin. You are an angel, a super hero, and the most amazing young woman. I never would have expected such a blessing and I still am in awe of you. I don’t know how or why you were given to me but I am thankful for you and proud beyond words. You will go far Grasshopper. You already have. I am so sorry for the pain I am inflicting upon you by doing this but I truly have no answers anymore and I have begged and pleaded and trusted until I have almost no faith in humanity at all anymore. I don’t see this planet being saved unless there are more people like you suddenly inhabiting it and changing the current illness it suffers from. I wish I could be here for you and all the life events both good and bad you will encounter. I was always happiest just being able to be there for you and your brother. I liked feeling useful and loved. You both loved me well. Know that. You couldn’t save me. I am far too gone in this mess to be saved anymore. I am too much trouble and too much of a load I assume. I have tried though and I have asked everyone and I have prepped for far too many moves that never manifested into anything more than another lost person in my life and more reason for your grandmother to bitch at me. She just has zero concept of me as a human being or an adult or a mother or someone who has overcome the many obstacles this life has placed before me from birth (it seems) and she does not at all accept that she has been responsible for anything. I was fine with that when I was not living with her but now it is always a non-stop open wound she must constantly fill with salt by believing that only she suffers and only she knows anything and only she must be understood. Am I not also a person who deserves to be heard and understood? In her eyes the answer is no. This has been verbally expressed. She has stated that flat out to me. My father has stated his lack of love for me as well or at least that ‘if he digs deep enough he might be able to find some love for me,’ quote.
You my darling, were loved every single moment of your life plus before and always after. Both you and your brother. You guys were never a burden in any way. You both were a blessing and even the harder times were times I would kill to have again. Know that forever and ever.
Go for your dreams Baby Girl. Take the risks. Love and allow yourself to be loved back but don’t ever lose you in anyone but your kids. Trust me on this. You are just as important as any mate no matter if you feel otherwise due to whatever circumstances they might have. YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT. Don’t lose anything for someone else, just be a good person who takes people into consideration but still has boundaries. I never had boundaries. I let others shit be too important to me and I got lost and they got greedy and I always got the short end of the stick when it ended or at least after Dad. He did me wrong too but not the way Paul or Edo and so on did. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking my power seriously and I set it aside to be ‘supportive’ when I shouldn’t have been. I let my determination to not ‘leave when it got difficult’ ruin me. I was always so strong before and even with Dad I knew when it was over and becoming nothing more than damaging for everyone and then I would leave but then something happened. Dad’s words about leaving when it got tough hit me hard for some reason. I can look back now and see that I never left when it got tough. It was always a struggle. Life is a struggle. I left when it was beyond repair. For some reason I forgot that when I heard Dads words and I got oddly determined to be ‘better.’ I’d say all those years with Paul were me trying to be ‘better’ but you know what? I was perfect the way I was. Dad was hurt and not one to admit his faults. Even Eric said that Dad had checked out way before I actually ended our relationship. Unfortunately, Eric said that right before we moved onto Muirfield and Paul blew my life to shit. It was already too late for me.
I am telling you this because its advice I want you to know and an example I figure you might understand. It is not to bad mouth Dad. I am so thankful he has been there for you and he came and took Cameron away from this ugly spiteful place. Dad has a hard time with empathy but his heart is there. He loves you deeply. He isn’t great at expressing it in healthy ways and he can be pretty damn mean at times but he loved the shit out of you right from the womb. He’s got his own damage he may never deal with so try to take that in when he hurts you. It’s not you he’s being hard on but himself. You are amazing and I think he had dreams too and I think that he see’s you in all your glorious beauty and a part of him hurts and yearns for those days when his dreams were still acquirable and alive.
My advice is to go for happy not safe, but use a bit of caution too. Balance is the key. Don’t spend your life acquiring money and shit because you miss out on living by focusing too much on making the money and not enough on enjoying your family and friends and life in general. Dance around and sing loudly. Laugh at yourself when you do something embarrassing. It’s easier to let it go that way. I’ve always been clumsy so I know this well. There is no point in spending even one extra second on something that has happened that you can’t go back and change. You can examine it to find lessons and understanding but don’t let it eat at you. Don’t let the ugly people have any more of you than they have already gotten. If you trip in public it’s cool. If nothing else you managed to amuse someone for a moment. It’s not life altering.
If you become a parent someday be respectful of that little persons ideas, needs and desire to be heard. Give them some respect right off the bat. Show them they matter no matter what age they are and they have a voice that should be heard. This doesn’t mean spoil the shit out of them and give them everything they want. It means give them a strong sense of self as early as possible yet still create the needed boundaries to keep them safe. I think respect breeds respect as does trying to lead by example when you can. That’s not always easy in life but if you do what you truly feel is right then you can sleep at night whether things go as planned or not. It’s the integrity and intention put into things and decisions that we should focus on. You have to see people acting these things out though. Never take it purely on words. Words are too easy. They are rather cheap in the end. Action is so loud. Good or bad your gut and peoples actions should keep you safe as long as you stay true to trusting yourself. I stopped doing that at Paul. BAD MOVE. TRUST THAT GUT BABY. This is good advice for all relationships you have in life including professional, personal, family based, friendships and romantic ones.
Never apologize for asking questions when you need help or answers. People are so insanely determined to pretend they know everything already that they just stop learning and growing and they become such painfully unhappy people or angry. So ask. They might not answer or tell you what you want to hear but ask anyway. The best people in your life will kindly tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. You can trust the people who do this with love but not the ones who do it with anger or any negativity in their answers. These are damaged people that will not bother to be considerate when it is needed most. There are many of these people in the world. Be careful.
We are all so complex on the surface but underneath we are pretty simple and most people are carrying around a lot of pain and hurt that they refuse to either deal with or accept as something that happens in life and it needs to be placed somewhere or let go of and not used to justify being unkind or weak or vengeful. Most of our ‘baggage’ is stuff we refuse to let go of and not anything we can change. Shit happens and it sucks but in most cases life goes on. My predicament is rare. I have moved on so many times in life so I know the difference. If you have the necessities of life and a friend you can trust who is there for you when you need them or a mate or anyone like that then you will manage. You will be blessed even if in that moment you don’t see it clearly. I was unhappy for a decade or more of being with Paul but I wasn’t miserable until my mom moved in and I had both of them to contend with. I never thought about suicide in any real way until we moved to the house with grandma before Muirfield. I had blessings in you and your brother, so I didn’t feel as unhappy as I would have had it just been Paul and myself. I stayed with him for a few reasons, one being that I was determined for you and Cameron to have what I didn’t which was a home. One place you called home for a long time. My mom moved me more than 30 times by jr high. I wasn’t going to have that for you guys. Secondly, I was worried about him. I was worried about his instability and his suicidal tendencies and although I wondered about him and Angie I had no proof to base that nagging feeling on so I ignored it as much as possible. Another big mistake, but in hindsight I am pretty sure Paul was cheating through the entire 13+ years. I see things now that didn’t make sense then but now suddenly make perfect sense knowing what I now know about the depth of his sadistic shit. I’d give anything to change that but as I said, you can’t change what has already been done. Angie should have told me when Paul was hitting on her. Since she didn’t I only have two logical reasoning’s; she either liked it and participated or she wanted to make sure I was there for her to use. Either way it was so wrong and she was like family to me so it was deeper than anything to me. She knew and she didn’t tell me. I had all that money and she knew and I could have so easily left him and she said nothing. And I told her everything. She knew how unhappy I was with him and she knew I was staying because I was worried about his mental health but had I known he was doing the things he was doing I would have gladly, and happily left with zero guilt or concern for him. She held the key and she hid it for her own selfish reasons just as he did what he did for selfish reasons. She hurt me worse in my heart. He was never much of a person filled with integrity and I was never one to take romantic relationships and believe that they were fairytales. Friendships though? People I looked at as a family member? They were different. Their indifference has been the most painful of all. Use your gut where these people are concerned in your life. I was lonely. Angie was my only friend so I let my gut eat me alive and I kept her in my life. She had a way of inspiring me at times and I liked that about her but she hurt me a lot too and that killed me, still I kept her in my life. It was wrong of me to do and it was really wrong of her to not tell me what she knew. In other words, it was a bad ‘friendship’ but I am grateful for getting the desire and drive to go back to school from watching her graduate.
Whew. I am trying to cover so much. I’m sorry I keep going on about Paul but I guess I am trying to use examples to express everything as well as possible. And trying to make sure that you and your brother never ever for a single moment feel any guilt or responsibility for my actions. You two are the only reason I have survived this long here with my mom. I wanted to die the second we moved stuff in and I didn’t want to come back here after the first load. I tried to kid myself into believing we might find some common ground or peace between us but your grandmother is determined to be a victim and in control no matter how much she fucks up. She see’s nothing in me of any value. She loves you and holds a grudges against Cameron for growing up and having autism making him not what she expects him to be. Dad is like that too, but I like my son. He is tougher to understand but he doesn’t lack anything he just expresses things in ways that are not always acceptable to people. He is growing but people have to understand how he is doing things in his own time and that he lacks many of life’s experiences that others have early on in life. In relationships, he is lacking the understanding of feeling things in the moment that will pass and that expressing those things in unkind ways is not acceptable because they are momentary. Does that make sense? He can be a lot kinder than you probably realize but he also just moves on without thought to others at times too. It can be painful but when it matters, you might be surprised at how giving he can be. He won’t admit this as he sees these things as weaknesses but he is a really good man. He just processes and expresses differently and people have to work harder to get that but he’s worth it because he is rather smart and funny once you get past the shield he puts up to protect himself.
What else? What else? Dylan is amazing. At least as far as I can tell. I hope you guys stay happy, but if not that too will pass and you will move on as you always have. You’re strong but you are so very soft too. I hope you surround yourself with people who appreciate that about you and that understand your value, and people who will not assume that your strength means you do not need support or help. Everyone needs support and help. Nothing that we do or achieve is ever 100% alone, ever. Someone somewhere has always contributed to the process. Life is about connections and disconnections and more connections.
Life is full of people and things that will let you down but in most cases, there is always someone or something that helps you through it. Try not to take advantage of that person or thing. Appreciate them or it and express that appreciation when you can. Good people need to know that someone recognizes their goodness. Crappy people need to be shown that they are transparent and that they hold no power over you as well. You see them but you refuse to give them anything they haven’t earned. Every moment in life is a choice we make even when the choices are shit or there are very few of them to choose from. Sadly, people think this means that we should not hold others responsible for their actions, but that is wrong. People who hurt others are responsible for that pain although sometimes their choices where shitty too and they chose the least shitty one and that hurt someone else, other times people just choose what is easiest for them without any thought at all to how it affects others and that isn’t justifiable, it’s selfish. Never punish yourself for the selfish choices of these people. Always stay true to you even when everything is shit as long as you have your integrity and you can love yourself (which you should unless you are an asshole) you can sleep at night and hold your head high no matter what crap people are dishing out. Their damage is NOT a reflection on you but of their own weaknesses, when it is inflicted on others and hurtful. You still stay the same amazing human you have always been. That is as long as you live consciously.
I have more but I am suddenly empty of knowledge to share. I will continue this later, I hope. If not know how deeply you are loved and how enormously pride I am to have had you and your brother as my children.
Life has been like being on a raft in the middle of the ocean with sharks tapping and banging on all sides. This is what being proactive these last few years has felt like. When I stopped being proactive, due to a total and complete lack of positive results, the tapping mostly stopped so that I am now just floating toward my demise but without all the anxiety and fear. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this, as if almost 3 years of trying is not nearly enough abuse and expended energy. As if, all the failures and losses mean nothing. Of course, all my failures and losses do mean nothing to everyone else. All they amount to to others is a viable reason to judge me and to tell me what I am doing wrong or to guilt me into continuing to be in agony and alone. This is as if all these people with their friends and families and mates and incomes and vehicles and such would not lie down and die if they found all of this suddenly stolen from them. As if, they would do better than I have. As if just sleeping in a bed alone does not paralyze the majority of these people who judge me and try to guilt me into continuing this horrible existence, not to mention not being touched at all for YEARS at a time. Add being berated by their family and abandoned by those people that they gave the most of themselves to for decades. The people that don’t even think of you anymore unless they need something. Otherwise, you are just a distant memory. So why live? Why continue to have verification of ones invisibility? Why carry around so much desire to be valued yet have a never-ending stream of verification that you are not. Knowing that your value is directly related to someone else’s desires and needs and knowing you have nothing left to give because they took it all already and knowing that you are an inconvenience to everyone. That when they were in need you did not make them feel inconvenient. That you gave and did often when you did not always want to or really have it to expend, but you still gave. I am by no means a saint. I have been selfish and unkind the same as everyone else but I have worked very hard to make amends and to learn and remember and do better, be better. I have tried to share that wisdom with others as well. I have tried to lead by example as much as possible and to really take time to evaluate before reacting. That is a lot of hard work and consciousness but it is worth it because I love me. The only part of me I hate is the part that is weakened by everyone else. The part that can’t totally defend itself against the bullshit of the masses. The part people like my mother use to make themselves feel big and in control at any cost whatsoever. It disgusts me.
I’m tired. I can’t seem to tolerate the attacks anymore. I shake and just start losing control of my mind now. I want to break things. I want to destroy everything. I want to burn it all down. I want to not be anymore. I have so much to express yet I am aware that only a handful of people in a lifetime are invested in me enough to care and they too don’t really understand and I don’t know how to express it well enough to take the pain away I am causing by ending the nightmare. People just need to know that I didn’t cop-out or take the easy way out. There was nothing easy about any of this and ending ones life with any thought at all, is the most difficult thing to do but the option of a slow long torturous life is worse. If I had the courage, I would have ended it much earlier but I get the pills in my hand or the razor into my skin and I panic. The finality of it is beyond understanding until you are in it. It’s that finality that has pulled me back from sweet peace. All the never will be’s and never will see’s. The idea of just suddenly not existing. It’s why I have never taken other peoples deaths well. I cannot quite grasp how a living breathing person can just stop being suddenly. If you are reading this though than I guess I managed to find enough courage to accept the finality of it.
THANK THE UNIVERSE AND GODS AND EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT THE LAST LINE IS NOT A FACT TODAY! I’M REALLY GLAD I WASN’T READY TO ACCEPT THE NOTHINGNESS OF DEATH.