The Trouble with T-Mobil, Texting, and Rural Life.

If people only understood and appreciated how much mental and physical work goes into the sending of a text by me they might be nicer and feel a wee bit more special. So, here is a typical attempt to send a reply. I went on for another minute of hitting 'send' before it finally hit a sweet spot long enough to transfer. Can you see me standing on my bed and going to every corner and level within reach? It's actually worse outside. Go figure. 

All I can say to y'all is stop taking everything for granted. 

Kae Sun - Ship And The Globe - My Death Song (I think)

My death song. 

I hear this non-stop in my sleep. 

I wake up to it. 

It's background music in my dreams. 

It makes me happy and sad, yet it's comforting. 

So, I'm thinkin' it's 'the song.' 

This video is from the K-Drama I love the most and stars my dream crush, Jo In Sung, who is the Asian version of a man I loved but lost touch with about 16 years ago. Oddly his name was Joe too and the water skiing scene is like actually seeing him again for me, which is really nice. 

Since watching these foreign shows and movies is truly what has kept me alive and gotten me through each fucking soul killing minute of the last year or so, it seemed appropriate to use this video rather than the artists video, which for me personally, loses a lot without the connections this one has. Since this blog is basically a diary at this point, for my kids to read someday if they really want to know the ugly bits and pieces; I figured it was important to share more than my pleadings and pain, disappointment, anger and fear, mental break downs, epiphanies, and basic spiral into insanity. This is actually sharing something more personal to me.That may sound crazy but all the ugly painful stuff and soul crushing crap is just my life now. It doesn't at all seem intimate anymore. And since I have pleaded from the mountaintops to the ends of the earth and lost all pride and dignity ages ago, to no avail, I might add, they've all become nothing more than the droning of my minds desperation. 

I wonder what happened to Joe? Too bad he has the absolute most basic of Hispanic names, Jose Luis Garcia. I mean, come ooooon! LOL! And my own name at the time being Michele Powell is a Google search joke! We'd never find one another, even with all today's technology. I can't even remember his birthday, but he was a Gemini and it was in June or July 1967-1970 (somewhere in there). We lived in Vista in North County San Diego and he had a son named Taylor (Tyler? No, Taylor) who would be somewhere around 21 now. Sonja (Sonia?) was Taylor's mom but she moved out of state with him around 2000 I believe. Anyway, we worked at Albertsons together for awhile in Vista, then he worked for a moving company in Oceanside. Graebel movers? Anyway, I always wonder how he is and how Taylor grew up. I hope they are well and happy.

I'd kill to be back in that time slot of 1997 or so. I've pretty much pin-pointed the shifting of my life from normal-ish manageable chaos to slowly working up momentum and spiraling out of control chaos, to mid 1997. Right before my back injury, and meeting my last husband, trading in my car, losing my job, losing my house, moving on base... and meeting P. and his then crazy ass cheating wife who ended up not being as crazy as everyone thought as I now know in spades. 

See people, this is why character is so important. You can't sleep with 3 men at one time (excluding the husband) and then cry wolf to people about how your husband is not what he seems. God damn it if I had just known better though... We have our whole life to redeem ourselves for our bad doings but we can't ever go back and make it right, and that sucks. I know from experience on both sides of the moral coin. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I learned a lot from my mistakes and that is the best kind of redemption; to learn enough to not do it again. In fact, I learned too much and took too much to heart and carried way too much guilt. It's a huge reason why I stayed by P.'s side for 14 years and another year under the same roof making sure all his bills got paid and crap, like a good little wifey. All while getting the joys of listening to him fuck his cheating (on her husband) girlfriend in my old bed and walking in on them not once but twice having oral sex in my living-room... gawd, can't you just hear the howling of my dying dignity?? You'd be amazed what people can put up with to keep a roof over their kids head or their own head.

Sigh...

That went a bit off course. 

O.K.

WAY OFF COURSE.

So here is the video and song.

BTW, It isn't as morbid as you might think to have a death song. Something comforting to listen to on the way out? How is that a bad thing? 

2 YEARS AGO. I GUESS I WAS WAKING UP.

HARD TO BELIEVE I WROTE THIS POST ONE MONTH SHORT OF TWO YEARS AGO. IT SEEMS LIKE DECADES. EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE THINGS GOT WORSE, TO LEVELS EVEN I COULD NOT IMAGE. YET I AM STILL BREATHING, FOR NOW.
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:

My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why.  A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you  see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3
Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM 

Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (original version)

I had no idea this song was about the things it expresses. How many decades has this played in elevators, casinos, sad hole-in-the-wall bars, airports and on and on???? 

Life is disappointing. People are disappointing. Naturally.

Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics

"Alone Again (naturally)" was written by O'sullivan, Gilbert.

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour

I promised myself to treat myself

And visit a nearby tower

And climbing to the top

Will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to who

Ever what it's like when you're shattered

Left standing in the lurch, at a church

Where people are saying

My God that's tough, she stood him up

No point in us remaining

May as well go home

As I did on my own

Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay

Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do

The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down

Reality came around

And without so much as a mere touch

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt

Talk about God and His mercy

For if He really does exist

Why did He desert me

In my hour of need?

I truly am indeed

Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that

There are more hearts

Broken in the world

That can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again naturally

Now looking back over the years

And what ever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty five years old

My mother, God rest her soul

Couldn't understand, why the only man

She had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart

So badly broken

Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken

And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally

Alone again, naturally

Songwriters

O'Sullivan, Gilbert

Published by

Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Read more: Gilbert Osullivan - Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

True Dat

Epic Road Trips Map By American Authors

http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-obsessively-detailed-map-of-american-literatures-most-epic-road-trips

The only 'dream' I have left anymore is the 'road trip' dream. In reality,  it's just another escape method since it's actually living in a car. but being on a road trip sounds a hell of lot less dark. Dontcha think? Plus, I still haven't been anywhere or seen anything. 2/3 of my life is over and I have nothing but life/family/people based experiences. What I mean is that I haven't done any dreamer, youth, fantasy-like stuff in my life. I never even made it to prom. Hell, I was married 3 times and not one of those weddings had anything to do with my desires. Not. One. 

LOL! Too fucking funny. 

I figure it would take a vehicle I could lay flat on my back in (Station wagon? Truck bed?) due to my spinal issues, a decent camera and maybe a recorder as well, gas and food cash and prepaid car insurance for a chunk of time. Oh shit, and a cd player. OMG! I want to listen to music I choose so badly! LOL! Anyway, the rest you figure out in the process. It's much more difficult to prepare (even just in your mind) when you are going it alone. Alone, middle-aged and female with no resources to turn to at all; that's what makes it more difficult since there is no one to rely on to help trouble-shoot and no one to advocate for you either. Actually, that just described most of my life's challenges, so maybe not as daunting as it seems. 

Hmmmm...

Anyway, this is a pretty cool map to check out if you dream of escaping as well!! 

XO

What if kindness was cool? | Jeremy Goldberg | TEDxTownsville

Scapegoat Problems and Two Narc Parents

Yesterday was seriously tough, now that I have two parents expressing the burden that my fate has made of me and that I have always been to them, even when I didn't exist in their life for years. I seem to have all this power that only my abusers can see and it only hurts them as well. It's weird, but if I could really control basically everything from lost false teeth (Mom) to the loss of ones house due to non-payment (Dad, over the 16 years we didn't speak. I am powerful! ) to the loss of ones ability to do anything for themselves anymore (My moms newest thing to blame on me) or their drinking and drug habits (still mom), or their electricity usage (more mom) or their choices to take loan after loan out to fix a car that isn't worth the first loan and the car still doesn't run- $12,000 in loans later (and more mom), than you would think I could get the fuck out of this mess and away from these people. I mean you can only blame someone else for so much when they are literally either not in your life at all or they have zero control and you hold ALL the control. It's like being an animal basically, but one no one wants. Easy to abuse. 

This addresses the last three years and a lot of what yesterday showed me about my father and not just my mother.


I'm tired of being tired and all out of positives to pretend the negatives aren't so bad. And feeling guilty is old too, as is thinking non-stop and running into walls. I literally think about things like banging my face into the wall, or the mirror or punching myself so I have some visual external evidence of what it feels like internally since there is zero acknowledgement that I am human anymore and feel pain and have emotions.     
                                                                                                 
Not joking but there is a certain amount of humor in the process of losing ones sanity/grip, don'tcha think? It starts out kind of chaotic and messy then there is a sweet spot that is rather beautiful where you gain a whole lot of wisdom no one understands or cares about except you and then you hit where I am now, which is really reverting back to early childhood when you would do anything to be seen and heard before you give up and let go of everything you have learned about 'controlling ones self,' and you fall to floor and let go of every bit of composure and obedience drilled into to you up to that point... and you scream and yell and plead and reason, as an adult reverting back to tantrums of childhood which I didn't get to actually have in childhood, until you just stop and realize the facts.  They don't care. They will never care. You were not born to them for any other purpose than to fill a void momentarily such as loneliness or as a tool to manipulate or in my case both. As soon as you became a liability or a burden, or too tall and skinny and gawky to take anywhere, or too independent or too broken or just 'in the way,' etc.  you/I seize to exist. When you can no longer serve their purposes or be there for them in just exactly the way they demand YOU BECOME WORTHLESS. NOTHING and the new villain in their stories. Even in nothingness they find a way to abuse your memory. And even with all that, you tell them that you love them, and ask them if they love you at all? Screaming, begging for an answer, only to get "I suppose if I dig deep enough..." and then the awesome throw back of the sarcastic "I know it's all my fault. Everything is my fault." But the answer to that is, "Yes, it is your fault, for not growing up and for having a child you had no intention of caring for and for being a selfish shithead of a parent," but instead you reply the same logic and reason shit we all say, "Did I say that? No, I didn't say that. YOU said that." And the message never gets through and nothing is ever resolved and you lay there exhausted and wet from sweat and tears and blood and no one else notices or cares. 

I swear someday I will find access to tools to record this insanity to prove I am not making it up. Of course I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone but I've been forced to do it my entire life so why not now? At least this is to support my words rather than prove my innocence. Or maybe this is the programmed me thinking I should do what I have been doing my entire life to defend myself? Yes, true. But, also, this is the kind of shit people never believe really happens or said in reality. The insanity of some of it could be quite comical if it weren't me being the target, or any human being or feeling thing. 

Yeah.

I have a fucking brilliant mind that no one will ever appreciate. That makes me so sad. Your loss.

(Disclaimer: This shit is mine. You don't get to steal it from me. My dream(s), my brain, my mind, my work, my writing(s), My blog. I have no problem suing because people with no life have all the time in the world. I'm just sayin'...)
Please now, move on to the good stuff:

So I had this dream last night... kind of super creepy, yet broken down it loses some of the creepy for more expected, if your mind has more depth than the average sheep.
Background info is that as I tried to pass out I was contemplating whether the universe or Gods or whateverthefuck is pissed off I am still alive and therefore doing all 'it/they' can to make me kill myself (Think Final Destination-ish) or if 'it/they' just truly want to keep all levels of happy, joy, hope and feeling good from me for some damn unexplained reason. Then I passed out...

So I am walking over a bridge, everything is in tones of gray, and bluish grays. I am walking behind someone else who also happens to be me but not me. I am two different people. This fantastically joyous happy song suddenly starts playing and the me in back says to the person/me in front (as I skip I say this), "I killed your dad to this song. It's an awesome song."    
  
LOL   Yeah, ya with me still? Okay... moving on....

So the front me starts to freak a little, but not too much or as would be expected in such a situation, but starts moving faster, so now we are both on a hilly knoll type area and the front me asks "where did you put the body?" And the back me suddenly wonders the same thing... and then we both see it... 

LOL

The body is in pieces in torn trash bags within a big rose bush. The head is clearly visible and such but the body is not of human flesh but rather it is more of a blackish solid gel material. No features or hair or anything but more like a mold of a human, dismembered, made of blackish solid gel.  

Ya all with me still???

It seems that I killed the darkness, or most of it. I killed that which had been stealing my joy. I dismembered that bitch like a gangster. And I did it to the happiest song I had ever heard.

Then I suddenly woke up slightly panicked. And that was it.

So, there you go. 
Feel free to analyze. 
I should make a short film of this dream. If you had the added visual and music you would SO GET IT and the creepy would totally come through as well as the "ah ha" moment. The coloring was a bit like watching "The Grudge." 

Now if I can just make sense of the "I killed your Dad to this song" part. I'm working on that theory. Actually, I had it when I originally awoke but I lost that memory so now I have to find it... The other me was the darkness we all have that is normal and necessary to live. The dead dad was the evil darkness that is not a natural part of life but a part set to destroy. 

I wish this dream was real. 

F*ck That: A Honest Meditation

NO EXPLANATION NEEDED. LOL! BREATHE.

I Love My Kids and Protecting Them Is Part of My Job

See, this is why I worry about my son so much. It's what most people don't understand. I have seen the aggression from strangers who 'think' they know what or why my son has done, said or is doing something yet they have been totally wrong. People with AS get internally anxiety ridden as the norm in their day to day life. How that shows on the outside is often irritable or angry and such. I've watched a full grown man accost my son in the elevator at his doctors office for acting annoyed when the guy got too close on the elevator. I worry every day that at some point my son will be hurt and I won't be able to help or get to him, yet people want to tell me to disconnect. They have no idea what that feels like... 
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/07/07/teen-with-aspergers-allegedly-beaten-by-strangers-wants-suspects-to-learn-from/

Susan Moffatt added 3 new photos — with Jonathan Moffatt.

June 30 at 4:50pm · Edited · 

I am posting this with permission from Gavin's mom. Gavin is one of Jonathan's best friends and like a second son to me. They have been side by side all through their school years. I was so proud of both of them when they graduated this year. They both worked so hard to achieve that goal. When I first saw the post from Gavin's mom I had so many mixed emotions....once I got past the anger I just cried. As the mother of a son with disabilities too my heart was broken for Gavin and his mom. I have always said "NOT ALL DISABLILITIES ARE PHYSICAL". Both boys have never asked for anything but to be accepted for who they are--great guys. Being a child with a disability in this crazy world is tough enough...imagine facing it as a adult. If I get through to just one person tonight that THIS IS NOT OK then I have accomplished my goal with this post. I commend Gavin for the decision he made for the punishment. Will the kids that did this to him learn? I can only hope and pray. My thoughts and prayers are with his family as they all have to heal from this horrible incident. Thank you to his mom for allowing me to share. We love you Gavin and know Jonathan and I are always in your corner!!!

His mom's post:

We found out that Gavin had Asperger's & ADHD when he was 3 yrs old, and growing up, we've had as many wonderful times as we've had difficult/frustrating times. You can't "see" Asperger's since it's not a visible disability, it's a social/emotional one that makes relationships difficult to attain. It doesn't prohibit his movement, or ability to walk, but it makes everyday interactions with people very difficult. He can appear rude, impatient, "weird", detached, or uninterested, but this is not intentional. He can also be kind, generous, and forgiving, but even this can appear awkward at times because some of it is learned and not always natural. Keeping longtime friends is tough because of his tendency to isolate yourself. Gavin has spent years learning what society thinks is appropriate and not appropriate, and so he doesn't offend anyone or stick out in social situations. Being a teenager with Asperger's is tough because all the sudden people around you are consistently "breaking" all the social do's and don'ts you've spent years learning.
On Thursday night, some kids were talking about how "it's weird" that he is always by himself, attending events alone and watching people, and it was "creepy" how he wanted to be friends with people he didn't know. On Friday night, another kid that overheard that conversation decided to take matters into his own hands and become judge and jury, and this is the result of that. He didn't ask questions, didn't get to know Gavin, never met him, and didn't give him a chance to leave. He was called to meet someone, surrounded by people he didn't know, choked, punched, and left laying on the pavement so he would "learn his lesson".
If you are reading this, I hope you talk to your teens, tell them about disabilities you can't see, teach them to be tolerant of people that are different, teach them that if they continuously see someone alone that maybe it is not their choice to be alone, remind them to ask questions first and get to know one another.
Gavin is fine. He has a mild concussion, a bruised esophagus, the tip of his nose fractured, and hematoma in his eye, but nothing permanent. He did not press charges, but requested their community service be disability related, that they write a paper on Asperger's, and that they watch a 20 min video statement he taped while their families were present so they could see the damage they did and hear the event from his perspective. I am so proud of him, and I hope a lesson will come of this to all that hear about it.

Share

Sometimes the only option is to improvise!!!

Being poe' requires creativity sometimes. I'm getting low on food but I have add water only pancake mix but no stove top to make then on, but then I thought that I do have a panini maker. So wha la! Kinda comes out like pancake fries!

Hey Girl! Where You Hidin'?

I do so miss her but I'd like to be a mix of her with the knowledge I have gained.

I saw this in a FB post and it was pretty spot-on.

Jupiter and Venus are converging and it's pretty amazing to see.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/jupiter-venus-to-converge-in-star-of-bethlehem-moment/

The only good thing about this place is the night sky. Jupiter and Venus are so bright and my camera doesn't do them justice but still, a truly dazzling sight.

And Tuesday nights official Star of Bethlehem...

And the moon.

Trying to find humor in my poverty. Ha. Ha. Ha.

We All Just Want To Be Seen-Lonely Homeless Man

This is it. This is what is missing in the world today. It's all most of us really want and need (even if most haven't figured it out yet). A little humanity and human contact, some affirmation that we aren't just ghosts, forgotten by everyone or looked upon like trash because we hit hard times. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is and it's killing a lot of us. 

Must Be Something In The Water 'Cause You Can't Write This Shit

Ah, poverty mixed with rural living. This is my upper mouth/teeth. Those are my two broken bridges on each side of my mouth and the lower right arrow is the awesome tooth now destroying any will I can find left to live. The pain is brutal and us without a dentist for 30 miles in any direction... I got antibiotics and 800mg Ibuprofen but it's taking 3 of them at a time to help and that is liver and kidney destroying since Ibuprofen has been my only source of pain management for the last 30 years including spinal surgery, foot surgery, 2 c-sections, getting my wisdom teeth pulled and various uteral surgeries. My point? My kidneys and liver have already taken a beating. I'm actually scared of the damage I might cause now. I knew I should have taken up alcoholism like my mom. I bet I'd have a perfectly trained steel version that I wouldn't have to be worrying about. It always works out like that. Or so it seems. 
So, I guess my last posts question about it getting better rather than worse has been answered... looks like worse wins again. At least I excel at something. Something that sucks ass but something. Yea me. Fuck. I write this stuff here but what I really want to do it destroy things with my bare hands because being passive is killing me. Being level is killing me. BEING is killing me. 
Fuck
fuck
fuckity
fuck 
fuck. 

Does It Ever Start Getting Better or at Least Not Worse?

Oh God, I am so incredibly screwed. 
The only reason I have managed to stay fed for the past few months is because of the kindness of a very dear to my heart friend who has been sending me $200 a month to stay fed. Now, I have 2 credit cards that I accepted and used to feed my son and myself when we first ended up on this hill of hell. Both were maxed out when my son got lucky and managed to escape and that was why I sent him away in the first place. We had absolutely zero money left. 
So today this dear friend let me know that, due to issues beyond her control, she will not be able to continue, at least for a few months. I get it. I love her and I know I don't even deserve it. I appreciate it beyond words, but I am fucking scared to death now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for any of this but that's pretty obvious. Anyway, I can't really relate the level of internal fear and anxiety I am feeling at this moment. As it was the $200 paid the $75 for the 2 credit card payments at bare minimum payments, the $30 it costs in gas to get down the hill to food (once a month) and that left me with $95 for food a month... A MONTH, and I was thankful for that. But now what? 
Now...
what?
OMG. Breathe.
I just want to be able to breathe.
I miss my old, shitty, fucked up, lie filled life. It's amazing how beautiful shit becomes when you reach this level of poverty and desperation. I will never again question how people end up dead, insane, immoral, addicted, fat or just what seems worthless while living in complete poverty. My homeless years made me think it just took more internal strength to survive but I have officially been knocked off my high horse. I get it now. I was lucky back in those homeless days, I just wasn't all that aware of it then. 
I am now. 
God, what am I going to do? 
Breathe.
Try to breathe.

System of a Down Lonely Day + lyrics

Yep. Been one of those days, again.

TMI

I think I share too much information with people when I connect. Probably, because I almost never get to interact with other humans anymore. That and my life is well, my life and it's impossible to make sense of it without any information. A lot of information. Sigh. I'm hopeless. It's hopeless. Amazing how I was once such a strong and confidant person. I don't think I used to scare people away. I don't know. It's been like 16 years since I knew that girl. I hope she's well wherever she went...
I miss her.

What Do They See?

I wish daily that what I feel emotionally and physically (chronic pain) was visible. I think I would rather walk around looking scary but being understood and cared for than having no one give a shit because I 'look fine' on the outside. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cut is to create SOMETHING that can be seen. What I have figured out though is that with all the damage I have done to my left arm not a single person has EVER acknowledged it, including doctors. It's rather mind boggling. I can't figure out if I am really THAT irrelevant or if the entire world is actually that lacking in the thing that makes me reach out to those in need, whatever that is in me.  (This was a FB comment I made and realized how deeply I meant it, so I had to share it here. No idea what the point is but I am compelled to do it.) 

The Job Search and some more art therapy.

I call this one "Neener Neener." It makes me smile... 

So, I've been at this attempt to find a place to go or get a running car for ages and ages now. I spent all morning researching monasteries and communes, again. I am not religious but if I had to pick one it would be Buddhism or Hinduism. I didn't find anything that I could get to or qualify for since longterm stays almost always require 'visitation' previously, and that ain't possible. I almost had a live-in opportunity but my lack of transportation made the interviewing impossible. We Skyped, but they wanted a face to face, as expected, and of course, that requires a vehicle and a big chunk of gas money, which I don't have anyway. I tried though. I almost thought it was going to work out but my mom would only let me use the truck if I did it while following her down the hill to smog her car. This means careful planning since the person interviewing me was going to meet me in the nearest city, which is 35 miles away. He refused to schedule an actual date and time and since I have to borrow the truck and also have to know that my mom will be ready to leave at whatever time as well, it all became ridiculous. I don't even know why he bothered to interview me and interact if he was going to not be capable of scheduling a specific time and day. He did however text me at 8:16 am and say if I replied before 8:30 am he could meet me at 10 am. Well, how the hell am I suppose to manage that? A) I'm in bed sleeping, so I am not dressed or ready, particularly for an interview, B) my mom is asleep as well, and C) he knows I don't have a car at will and D) I have to drive a 35 mile distance on rural two lane roads. That means it takes me a lot longer to get anywhere than jumping on the freeway or driving multi-lane roads. Ultimately, I have given up on that prospect. He seemed to be purposely making it impossible for me even when he was fully aware of the circumstances. What kind of boss would this person be then? And maybe it is my age or all the damage recently, but how does it not at all seem to be taken into consideration that I am a female taking the great risk of moving into someone who is a complete strangers home? Do these people not realize that they too are being interviewed? Anyway, the bleakness becomes ever bleaker. And no one really cares, do they? It's truly the ME generation, or shall I say generationS, plural. 

W.W.

Walking Wounded

Art Therapy Continues

This one is still wet so that is why the black looks so uneven.

This is the just finished one, and one still in progress. 

Both are wet, although the colored one is the most recent worked on of the two. I'm beginning to get the hang of using color, but I still can't let my black and white obsession go! 

How to avoid committing suicide

How to avoid committing suicide

Click the lime title/link above to read.

I'm still in the dark void but I could have written almost this entire story myself (including the line about throwing ones self into oncoming traffic and the cutting and the school and on and on...), except that, as I said, I am still in the dark void part since they took my Adderall last year. It's insightful if you have the desire to understand.

ART THERAPY

I've done portraits for many years but am giving paint and pastels a try. I only used charcoal in the past because color just scares the shit out of me for some reason. So, this is the past two weeks attempts and so far it seems black and white is still where I excel, but I will keep trying. 

"Coming or Going"

"Bounce" (As in 'You've gotta bounce, Baby')

"Coming or Going" before final

"No Title"

"Road Trip"

Robert Delong - Long Way Down

Nothing is the answer.

Well, I can now say that I have tried everything. I made my final plea and asked my ex if I could move back if him and his gf ever split. To clarify, that would be to use a spare room not to couple up. A few years ago I would have laughed in a persons face who had suggested that I might one day find myself this pathetic, needy and hopeless. Being as I was always the problem solver finding myself this lacking at something so important as saving my own life seems... what's a good word? Unreal? Not really intense enough. Fathomless works.
So between trying to figure out how to get rid of all this useless shit and how to get my son his shit since he still hasn't found a way to come pick it up and worrying about the fact that I will be abandoning a child/adult who needs me, no matter what anyone else believes, I feel rather frustrated. Autistics, whether high functioning or not need to have someone near they can trust to remind them and push them to do some of the basics required for adult life. Like taxes, and getting health insurance and eating somewhat decent once in awhile and so on. When I sent my son away I believed the people around him would be more supporting but it seems they think getting him to stop smoking is smarter than replacing the cigs with alcohol, which horrifies me since drug and alcohol addiction not only run on both sides of the bloodline in mass, but also because Autistics tend to have high addiction issues as well. He still can't drive but "Hey! He drinks all weekend with us!" Thanks for the fucking support. Anyway, I haven't seen either of my kids in about 6 months. I guess holding on to hoping to spend some time with them is fruitless. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe the void will just seem normal.
I don't know.
I don't know shit. That is what this life has taught me. No one knows a god damn thing. That's nirvana. That's the big answer to the big question we spend our lives trying to find. We know nothing and without love and support nothing flourishes. 

Anne Lamott on Her Wisdom. What I don't agree with, I respect.

I am going to be 61 years old in 48 hours. Wow. I thought i was only forty-seven, but looking over the paperwork, I...
Posted by Anne Lamott on Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Family of the Year - Hero [Boyhood] (Official)

White fear and greed holding us back

Bukowsky never lets me down:

Bukowsky never lets me down:

Cause And Effect

the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them.


Be Kind

we are always asked
to understand the other person's
viewpoint
no matter how
out-dated
foolish or
obnoxious.

one is asked
to view
their total error
their life-waste
with
kindliness,
especially if they are
aged.

but age is the total of
our doing.
they have aged
badly
because they have
lived
out of focus,
they have refused to
see.

not their fault?

whose fault?
mine?

I am asked to hide
my viewpoint
from them
for fear of their
fear.

age is no crime

but the shame
of a deliberately
wasted
life

among so many
deliberately
wasted
lives

is.

Charles Bukowski

Its the end of the world by R.E.M lyrics

Bizarre Defects

I must truly be defective because no matter how poorly I am treated I continue to be concerned with these peoples we being. How fucked up is that? Two of the people who hurt me terribly have a birthday in about a week. Actually, the same damn day, go figure. Why do I remember this fact? Why do I care? Why am I compelled to wish one or both a Happy Birthday? Neither of these people would be able to even tell anyone what my birthday is yet I remember theirs. Stupid girl and stupid brain. I really need this space for useful information like Algebra and crap. Anyway, almost all the cruelest people from my life have birthdays in the next month. Try and tell me a persons sign doesn't mean shit and I will point you to the fact that literally almost all my abusers have been Pisces. Oddly, the rest have been fire signs like myself although none have been Aries like me. Leo's and Sag's but no Aries. However, most Aries people I know have been women and they haven't been the best of Aries by any means. 
So, anyway, I wish I could erase these people from my brains map so I wouldn't so foolishly continue to think and have concern for them anymore. This is my point about love. Real love, not the bullshit people think is love nowadays. Once you truly love someone they never fully depart from you. You always love them on some level. You always feel what wasn't tarnished or destroyed. You don't just fully hate a person in a moment. Not someone you actually found a reason to love deeply. That shit just doesn't disappear one day. It stays and haunts you and lingers like stale cigarettes and cat piss in carpet. 

I Have Forgotten

I can not remember what it feels like to be loved
or to love actively.
I don't remember what comfort is anymore.
Or how it feels to laugh.
I feel darkness and pain.
I feel despair
and sometimes I am lucky and I just feel numb.
Those are good moments.
I'm cutting too deep now, which might save me from this hole if I am lucky.
Sooner rather than later I hope.
I just want to sleep until it is over.
And if I could go back to any shitty place in my past then I would go.
No taking a moment to contemplate the decision either.
Everything was better than this dead end and the way it just goes on and on...

Roger Waters, Van Morrison, The Band - Comfortably Numb

Desperation, Doubt and Dreaming

Do you know what I dreamed about? I went back to live with P and K (the girlfriend). I was basically their maid/servant and although I twitched when I was being told what to do, I was happy to be there and not here anymore... If that doesn't say anything to anyone then I know it isn't worth trying. LOL. I'd go back too. I'd take that kind of belittlement to have freedom and access to hope. In a heartbeat. I know I must be nearing the end of this life because I don't dream about these kinds of things, but I am, so that means something. Like, I am losing touch with reality. Like, my mind is finally cracking irreparably. Like, soon I won't care which place I am committed into because I won't know otherwise anymore. It will also mean that mental health is not about chemical imbalances but the imbalances of the environments that we find ourselves stuck in and their affects on our psyche' and nervous system. I wonder why there is always such a push for meds rather than a push to alter the environments by helping with that rather than paying a fortune for meds that end up causing so much harm in other areas as well. Surely creating a kind hopeful environment would create better and longer lasting results for people like myself. Blah blah blah. No one cares and no one is listening or hearing or giving a fuck... 

Suicide Notes: 10 Shocking Suicide Notes - ODDEE

Suicide Notes: 10 Shocking Suicide Notes - ODDEE

8 Shocking Suicide Attempts Posted on The Internet - ODDEE

8 Shocking Suicide Attempts Posted on The Internet - ODDEE

Wake The Fuck Up

This is so fucking infuriating and stupid. Suffering is always internal. This is why some people have no tolerance to pain while others can suffer horribly and still function. It's why some people kill themselves because their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them while others suffer through horrific abuse and still come out of it capable of loving again. None of it is imaginary though. None of it is worthy of being ignored and devalued. EVERYTHING we feel is internal in origin. People lacking empathy do this because they can't feel this shit as deep as others. Geezuz Christ. Stop believing the bullshit people dish out to make it easier to ignore others pain and suffering. Someday the tables may turn and you will regret believing this shit.

Beautiful Girls - Rosie O'Donnell

A Thought or Apiphany

It has just occurred to me that in all this time, these past near three years now, that I have never dreamed of the obvious. I mean, in the beginning I yelled a lot at P and his girlfriend and I saw J a few times but mostly I dream about nothing of reality.

I never dream about money or a home or even my kids, I don't dream about sex, I do however dream about small kisses once in awhile though.

A few nights ago though I dreamed of two things two nights in a row. First I dreamed of a friend morphed with Ethan Hawke, whose brain I adore (and he isn't too hard on the eyes either), and we did a great deal of just talking. It was lovely. Second dream, I was just wrapped tightly around this boy absorbing the feel of his body heat and skin. Basking in it. It was amazing. These are the things I truly yearn for. I need money and what it can buy, like food and transportation but I yearn for connection.

I dream about human connection. The feel of flesh. The connection of minds. I dream about being viable to someone. I dream about being seen as a real live person with feelings and thoughts that matter. I dream about not being used or abused or shunned.

It's funny how dreams sift through the materialistic shit and leave you with the core of your needs to face.

Slipknot - Snuff [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

YEP

"So break yourself against my stones

And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know..."

Another Fundme for Another Stupid Ass Reason Goes Viral. WTF is Going On Here?

You know, I used to love these feel good underdog stories but IMO this whole Fundme thing has really gone way the fuck off course and it is showing just how fucked up our society really is now.
I'm gonna say it again, potato salad. 
Potato salad, the pizza guy/dealership tip, people who didn't read the fine print on their ap (Uber?)before calling for a ride home after drinking all night and getting billed for $300. 
Where the hell is the compassion for the people who actually NEED HELP? There is none, unless you have pictures of some scary disease or small children. Then you have a small chance. 
>>>>>>What it really amounts to for the actual people in need is the size of their online network and the love and willingness to share of their friends. <<<<< I learned this the hard way. I watched a friend make what amounts to roughly $7000 in the past two months because he has a) a disease he can document b) a huge network, like in the thousands c) a community backed disease d) friends who give a fuck and donate plus share therefore creating an even bigger network. My page is a year old with one single donation and that is from this friend who's raking it in now. On paper he looks and sounds worse off, but in reality he has a family that loves him and will take him in at any moment, but he doesn't want to go home. I would kill for that kind of love and support. He has an entire global community and local community worth of support to back him daily and he has major networks. He is nowhere as bad off as he would make it out to be. He was in a bad way for sure, but not like presented. He had choices. He didn't like them. He did not actually go through all his choices first and then declare total destitution. Some of us have though, and no one seems to blink an eye unless they are out to play some sick game of 'how much can I control you based on how badly you want help.' It's truly sick and fucked up. I finally let go of the people on my page playing this painful game with me. My desperation has hit a bit of a somewhat numb stage. I can keep these sick people around hoping they might actually grow a heart and help or I might get THAT desperate, or I could finally delete them and breath again when I log in to my Facebook page because now I don't have to see their names anymore on that stupid chat list that won't go away, even when chat has been turned off. It had started to become a trigger for the dark-side for me. Those damn names and their damn words trying to manipulate me while actually offering nothing at all. Just the possibility of 'something' 'IF' I could or would do some impossible or illogical task or deed. Not even a small help to show some version of commitment to sticking to their words. Even the fucking mob would show some kind of commitment by a deed, act or handout/loan. For fucks sake. Watch a got damn movie like The Godfather or something. Learn some loyalty and commitment. Grow some fucking balls and a backbone. Dig some integrity and selflessness up. Yes, I really do see these things in the mob mentality and not the new mob mentality but old school. 
Oh, and I love my friend whose page has changed his life. I just don't understand the way peoples minds work anymore. And yes, I am rather jealous as well. I can admit that. I don't have the family or community or social network that he does. I never ever have either. It's rather amazing that even out of school our social standing affects whether we live or die. It's the 'New World' mentality. It sucks. 
Okay. I went like totally off the rails here... back to the original thought... But you know, these days if you have just had a basic life experience or a small life lesson the entire fucking world wants to throw fast easy cash in your face. And people wonder why these generations lack logic, wisdom and a backbone. Maybe it is because we treat life and its basic lessons as reasons for entitlement and or reward. I make a dumb choice and I get love and support, oh! and cash as well. Well isn't that just fucking special. If I was going to be in the shit spot I find myself in at least the universe could have made me a part of one of these other generations. An ounce of compassion would be a nice think these days. 

This is the shit they give you when you are hungry and poor from the 'food bank' where I live. Death in a Box.

THIS IS ALL THE FOOD I HAVE UNTIL MID MARCH SO I WENT TO THE FOOD BANK....

ALL THE PHOTOS BELOW ARE OF THE ITEMS I RECEIVED.
I know people don't grasp what I am saying anymore. I get that they think I exaggerate even with proof. I may even sound ungrateful in this post but when this is what I have to survive until mid MARCH because the school is only going to give me aid for part of my classes and the entire check I have been waiting for, thinking I could finally get some food with, is suddenly not even going to cover the required books; I too might be disappointed when I get a food box like this. I mean week old expired food is rather crass but I forget how non-human the needy become or how people expect jubilation for the most minute acts of acknowledgement or aid. I remember so much from being homeless but I forgot about this tid-bit of the poor's struggle. This 'be thankful' to the point of nausea no matter how degrading it may be. Be jubilant even if they bounced the carrot in front of your face for ages before deciding you were either worthy and they followed through finally or you are not worthy and they just dicked out when they got bored of the game. There is so much people will never understand about poverty until they are forced into it.

This is YOGURT. It expired 7 days ago and wasn't even cold when I got it.

That say January 02. 2015 so over 2 weeks past expiration.




NOVEMBER of 2014.

Ryan Adams - Words

Lyrics:
If everything you want is something you couldn't have 
Go outside a while, look up and count the clouds
Can you draw a picture of the backyard of the house
You grew up in, can you remember how it smelled?

Don't worry up your mind
People are sick and mean sometimes
They're only words
They're only words

If everybody is grateful, how come nobody's satisfied
If a tree falls in the woods and there ain't no one around
If you heard it you could go over and whittle out a wishing box
You could write her name on something and put it inside

Don't worry up your mind
People are sick and mean sometimes
Don't worry up your mind
They're only words
Its only words
Its only words

Artist: Ryan Adams
Title: Words

Welcome to the Men of My Life and My Mom.

Taken from a Facebook post by 

Escaping the Narcissistic ABUSE

CHARACTERISTICS of the SUBTLE NARCISSISTIC ABUSER

PART 4.

16. The Narcissist is aggressive and shameless. They don't ask. The Narcissist demands. They make outrageous requests and they'll take anything they want if they think they can get away with it. Their demands of their "loved ones" are posed in a very aggressive way, as are their criticisms. They seldom take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in. <<Damion

17. They push you down, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you can. They never give you a birthday party and grandstand it. Your friends were never welcome in your home. << Paul

They give you tasks that were rightfully theirs. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you are always their emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You are never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences are only for the Narcissist, and you are responsible for making it right for them. From the beginning they would randomly lash out at you any time they are stressed or angry or felt that life was unfair to them, because it makes them feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As time progresses you are assigned responsibility for their emotions. Unloading on you any time something goes wrong for them. << Mom

18. Narcissists are exploitative. They will manipulate to get work, money, or objects they envy or covet. Especially if it makes the look special or good. They may have stolen your identity. If they make an agreement with you, it is violated the minute it no longer served their needs. If you brought it up demanding they adhere to the agreement, they brush you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy them again. << Jason

Sometimes the Narcissist will exploit a partner to absorb punishment that would have been theirs. Sometimes the Narcissist simply emotionally pushes you down into illness to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is divorce and the loss of your income. You are sexually molested but the Narcissist never notices, or worse, calls you a liar, or blames you. <<Jason

19. Narcissists project. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that Narcissists all do. Projection means that they will put their own bad behavior, character and traits on you so they can deny them as their own and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that they can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter's weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women's weight and so accepts her mother's projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn't true. However, they will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when they feel shamed and needs to put it on you and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: They make an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let them have their way. They become enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you'll talk about it when you've calmed down and are no longer hysterical.  << ALL OF THEM

You aren't hysterical at all; but your refusal has made them feel the shame that should have stopped them from making shameless demands in the first place. That's intolerable. They can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused because you're so unreasonable. Having done that they can reassert their shamelessness and indulge. You'll talk about it again "later" - probably when they've worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you're more inclined to do what they want. << Paula nd Jason

20. The Narcissists is never wrong about anything. No matter what they've done, and won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time they feel they are being made to apologize they will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology they have just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own wife feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection. << Mom and Jason and Damion

21. Narcissist have no awareness that other people even have feelings. They occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn't that they don't care at all about other people's feelings, though they don't. It would simply never occur to them to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a Narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, Narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. They beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. Leave you in hotel alone on your birthday after berating you publicly. <<ALL OF THEM

22. They blame. Narcissist will blame you for everything that isn't right in their life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always blaming you for their abuse. You made them do it. If only you weren't so difficult. You upset them so much that they can't think straight. They couldn't function for 2 days. Things were hard for them and your needs pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. They'll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that they can't believe you were so selfish as to upset them over such a trivial thing. They will also blame you for your reaction to their selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. They "can't believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object or complain so much" "I apologized for that already, when are you goung to let it go." "How long are you going to use your dead mother as an excuse?" (The mother passed less the a month prior.) <<Mom and Jason

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your Narcissistic partne is

Lying. He knows what he did was wrong and he knows your reaction is reasonable.
Manipulating. He's making you look like the bad person for objecting to his cruelties.
Being selfish. He doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as he gets his own way.
Blaming. He did something wrong, but it's all your fault.
Projecting. His petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
Putting on a self-pitying drama. He's a martyr who believed the best of you, and you've let him down. <<THEY ALL DO THIS

23. They undermine your relationships: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. They foster desension because they enjoy the control it gives them. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering with your life. Watching people's lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don't have any empathy for their misery. << Mom and Jason

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to stand up to the narcissist guarantees punishment. In their zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully creates chaos. ("I can see that nobody here loves me! I'll just go sleep on the streets!") << ALL OF THEM

As a last resort the Narcissist become pathetic. Wallow in self pity and bemoan the injustice. <<PAUL

There is no creature like them. People think surely you are making this up. Or worse, your CRAZY.. Q  <<ALL OF THEM

Note: Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She'll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.
The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.