Monday, December 21, 2015

So I was Googling "I fear I am becoming a complete recluse and it scares me" and I found a tribe member...Hi K-2052

K-2052 or Kenny which will piss him off because I know how much my son gets pissed off when I call him his birth name over his legal renaming of Harvey... Harvey? WTF? Anyway, K-2052 really knows how to express the shit that goes on in, at least my brain. Luckily, I know myself some coding too so I didn't get too lost or bored when he started talking like a coder near the last 1/3 but it is the first half that I really tapped into and shared some deep emotional shit with Kenny, no K-2052. If you are curious here is the link:  https://fighttheurgetofade.com/  I wonder how K-2052 is doing these days??

Ever wonder what being me is like? Or being Autistic? Or what feeling like a fucking freak of nature must be like? This kid, at least to me, since he is somewhere between my two kids ages, is brilliant at expressing the insanity and rationality I wrestle with daily. He's got some amazing final sentences in some of these paragraphs as well. It's LOOOONGGG. If you wonder though take a trip...
"Learning to hide what you love and never outwardly show affection for things or people is a gradual thing, but this event definitely catapulted me towards a personality disorder. I gradually learned to never ever show what I liked for fear someone would destroy it." <<< oh yeah. I 'get' that.

"I'm questioning everything about myself and getting to the heart of what I am. I'm no longer accepting anything from culture, parents, friends, colleagues or society at large that I don't think is rational. I'm not drawing silly lines in the sand but rather maintaining a constant awareness of what I am. I'm to going to be open and have a open mind. I'm going to change, adapt, and constantly refactor myself."

"When you are so different there is no frame of reference to figure life out. I don't suffer from the normal issues. There is no guidebook for being me. I've had to learn everything from trial and error."

SEE? I AM NOT TOTALLY ALONE IN MY WAY OF THOUGHT OR EXPRESSION. IT ONLY FEELS LIKE IT 364 DAYS A YEAR...


INFJ- FINDING JOY- BEING ACCEPTED- GROWING UP- LIVING.

IM JUST TRYIN' TO LIVE MY LIFE OR GET THROUGH IT. NOTHING IS PERSONAL. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT SURVIVAL AND TRYING TO GET AS MUCH AS I CAN OUT OF WHAT I HAVE TO USE. NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS. MY PERSONALITY, MY INTELLECT, MY CONVICTIONS, MY EXPERIENCES, MY DESIRES, MY REJECTIONS HAVE ALL COME FROM DEEP THOUGHT AND CONTEMPLATION. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE. THEY ARE MINE AND ME. THEY ARE EXACTLY AS PRESENTED. I HAVEN'T HIDDEN ANYTHING BECAUSE I CAN'T ANYMORE. SO ACCEPT ME OR REJECT ME BUT DON'T JUDGE MY CHOICES BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T WALKED IN THESE SHOES. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS JOURNEY HAS ALTERED THE WAY I SEE THIS WORLD AND I WAS NEVER REALLY A PART OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE SO TO EXPECT ME TO MANEUVER IT IN A WAY THAT YOU APPROVE OF OR UNDERSTAND IS RIDICULOUS AND CRUEL. IF I COULD DO THAT I WOULD HAVE AGES AGO AND MADE MY LIFE MUCH EASIER. THAT'S JUST BASIC LOGIC.
AS FOR GETTING LAID... I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT. SEX IS LIKE CANDY. IT HOLDS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE. IT'S A PERK BUT NOT A NECESSITY. GIVE ME INTELLECT, GIVE ME PASSION FOR SOMETHING, GIVE ME CONNECTIONS OF VALUE BUT NEVER EVER ASSUME I NEED TO GET LAID. MY LIFE AND HEALTH HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BECAUSE OF SUCH FRIVOLOUS IDEAS AND DESIRES OF OTHERS AND MY OWN. I AM WAY PAST THAT SHIT IN LIFE... I FIND THESE ASSUMPTIONS TO BE LIKE BEING ASKED IF I AM ON THE RAG BECAUSE I HAVE A MOOD OR REACTION SOMEONE DOESN'T FIND DESIRABLE. IT'S WEAK AND UNDERHANDED TO DEGRADE SOMEONE LIKE THAT. I DO MY BEST TO NOT REACT BECAUSE I HAVE AN ARSENAL OF MY OWN, BUT I TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO DISH OUT WHAT I DON'T WANT BACK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S A REAL CHALLENGE AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO CLOSE EVERYTHING OFF JUST TO HOLD IT IN LONG ENOUGH TO PUT OUT THE FIRE. I'VE BEEN TOLD I HAVE QUITE THE UNIQUE TALENT OF USING MY WORDS TO DESTROY A PERSON IF I SO CHOOSE. I KNOW THIS WELL. I CHOOSE TO BE AS RESPONSIBLE AS I CAN. TO NOT ATTACK EVEN WHEN PROVOKED. PLEASE STOP PROVOKING ME. PLEASE. I ACCEPT YOU THE WAY YOU ARE EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I TRY TO ONLY EXPRESS THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WORRY ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS OR THAT AFFECT ME AND I TRY TO DO THAT IN THE MOMENT AND AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE DO THE SAME FOR ME. AND PLEASE TAKE MY WORD WHEN GIVEN, AS FACT. I AM NOT PLAYING GAMES. I AM NOT TRYING TO MIND FUCK ANYONE. I AM NOT TRYING TO GET MORE ATTENTION OR TEST ANYONE. I WILL ASK IF I NEED. I WILL SAY NO IF I DON'T WANT SOMETHING. I WILL SAY YES TO WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN THAT MOMENT. IF I DON'T KNOW THEN I DON'T KNOW. IF I KNOW I WILL TELL YOU OR DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I WON'T PLAY THE SURROGATE PARENT OR MATE HAPPILY FOR THINGS THAT PEOPLE ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF ANSWERING OR DOING ON THEIR OWN. TRY TO DO IT YOURSELF FIRST THEN ASK ME IF YOU CAN'T FIND WHAT YOU NEED BUT DON'T MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LOVED BY ASKING PEOPLE FOR THINGS YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN, THAT SHOULD FEEL DEGRADING NOT GOOD. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT DEGRADING YOUR INTELLECT OR ABILITIES IN EXCHANGE FOR SUCH THINGS. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO MY CHILDREN AND MY FEMALE FRIENDS. YOU ARE NOT MORE ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE YOU PLAY VULNERABLE. SOMETIMES WE ARE VULNERABLE BUT SAVE THOSE TIMES FOR THE REAL STUFF. DO NOT DEVALUE THE VALUABLE EMOTIONS IN LIFE. DO NOT DEVALUE THE REAL ATTENTION YOU ARE GIVEN. DO NOT TWIST OR MISTAKE FAKE ATTENTION FOR REAL ATTENTION. DO NOT THINK THAT I DO NOT SEE THIS. DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM INCAPABLE OF READING BETWEEN THE LINES. DO NOT THINK I HAVEN'T LIVED THIS GAME ALREADY IN SPADES. I HATE IT. I HATED IT. I MASTERED IT A LONGTIME AGO AND I WON'T PLAY IT ANYMORE. IT BORES ME AND IT ANGERS ME AND I FEEL PITY WHEN I SEE PEOPLE DOING IT. VALUE YOURSELF MORE.
I'M SORRY I AM THIS WAY. I KNOW IT IS DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE. I KNOW I AM NOT NORMAL. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNOW I SOUND HURTFUL BUT IT IS NOT MY INTENTION. I AM TIRED OF DEFENDING MYSELF THOUGH. I CAN ONLY PRESENT MYSELF AS I AM. IF I AM NOT ACCEPTED ALL I CAN DO IS PRESENT MYSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN. EXPLAIN MYSELF OVER AND OVER, BUT I'M REALLY TIRED OF DOING THIS AND I AM PRETTY SURE I'M CONSISTENT SO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME OR NOT. IF YOU DO THEN ACCEPTING ME AND NOT TAKING WHO AND HOW I AM PERSONALLY WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE TO START. IF I AM NOT WORTHY OF THAT THEN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE FOR ME AND WE SHOULD PROBABLY DISCUSS HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT. MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY I AM GOOD WITH MYSELF. IT IS ONLY MY INABILITY TO BE UNDERSTOOD THAT EATS ME ALIVE. IT IS THIS THAT MAKES BEING ALIVE SO PAINFUL. WHAT I LACK IS MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL TO MOVE FORWARD. OBSTACLES THAT EXHAUSTED ME AGES AGO THAT KEEP COMING AND ALWAYS BACK TO MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL LACKING'S THAT KEEP ME BOUND TO THIS LIMBO AND THIS DESIRE TO ESCAPE IT AT ANY COST. EVEN WHEN I AM NOT FEELING SAD OR STRESSED I AM FULLY AWARE OF WHAT I LACK AND HOW BOUND I AM AND I THINK ABOUT ESCAPE. THIS IS WHY I WANT THERAPY. ONLY FOR THIS ISSUE. I WANT TO LIVE BUT NOT THIS WAY. NOT IN A WORLD THAT WON'T ALLOW ME TO BE ME OR ONE THAT LACKS ANY JOY. OR ONE THAT TRIES TO DICTATE WHAT JOY I AM OR AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE EXPERIENCING, FOR HOW LONG AND IN WHAT WAY. MOMENTS OF CONTENTMENT ARE GIFTS THAT I CHERISH WHETHER THAT BE DRAWING, MUSIC, DANCING, WATCHING A KDRAMA, RAIN, THE SKY AT NIGHT, SILENCE, LAUGHTER, IN AND OUT, WHATEVER IT IS, I CHERISH THE MOMENTS I GET AND BEING JUDGED FOR THAT MAKES ME REALLY NOT WANT TO BOTHER ANYMORE, OR RATHER HAVING NO ONE SEE THAT AS VALUABLE MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BOTHER ANYMORE BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW. IF IT HOLDS NO VALUE AND PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE SURE I KNOW THAT THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME? NOTHING IS THE ANSWER. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.
I WROTE A LOT. THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN. I GUESS MY LACK OF MEDS IS BRINGING OUT MY WRITING AGAIN. ISN'T IT ODD HOW WHEN MY BRAIN STRUGGLES THE MOST IS WHEN I AM OVERCOME WITH THE MOST NEED FOR EXPRESSION? WAIT. DID THAT MAKE SENSE? WHATEVER. SOMEWHERE IN HERE IT MADE SENSE (IN MY HEAD).

INFJ Traits - “The Protectors”
Positive Traits:

Extremely intuitive
Searchers of hidden meaning
Sensitive and perceptive
Gifted at reading others<< YOU IN TROUBLE! 
Hold strong convictions and beliefs, which they live in accordance with<< STRONG SENSE OF SELF. REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE USE TO STRIVE FOR THIS??
Will not compromise their ideals
Tend to trust their own instincts (and with good reason) – they are usually right and they usually know it<< HA. DAMN STRAIGHT.
Genuinely warm and affirming by nature<< IF THEY LET US.
Typically gentle and caring
Dedicated to finding/achieving the “perfect relationship”<< UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT PERFECTION IS A LIE AND BORING. STRIVING FOR IT A WASTE OF LIFE.
Usually have good communication skills
Tend to be gifted writers
Take commitments very seriously
Seek lifelong relationships
Have very high expectations of themselves and others
Good listeners
Once they are sure a relationship is over, they are usually able to move on
Deep, complex and intense
Artistic and creative
Strive to create an orderly, systematic outer world for themselves<< SO WE CAN SURVIVE IT. IT'S LIKE A FOREIGN WAR TORN COUNTRY FOR US OUT THERE
Constantly defining and re-defining priorities in life<< IT'S CALLED GROWTH SON. TRY IT SOMETIME!
Put lots of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done<< AND THEY WANT TO LABEL US STUBBORN OR PERFECTIONIST FOR THIS. HA!
Operate on an intuitive, spontaneous basis within their inner world
Intuitively “know” things without being able to pinpoint exactly why and without even a thorough knowledge of the subject at hand<< MOST OF US KNOW THE WHY BECAUSE WE TOOK THE TIME TO BE PRESENT AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS EVEN IF WE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE WE WERE DOING THAT. I THINK WE SEEM TO NOT BE PAYING ATTENTION WHEN WE ARE OFTEN THE MOST FOCUSED. IT'S JUST NOT ON WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EXPECT US TO BE FOCUSING ON.
Extremely insightful about people and situations
Most likely of all types to have “psychic” abilities<< DAMN STRAIGHT
Concerned for others’ feelings and careful not to hurt them
Perfectionists<< WE JUST PREFER TO DO IT ONCE AND DO IT RIGHT IF POSSIBLE
Believe in constant growth and are always looking to improve
Can, in some ways, be easy-going<< IF OTHERS WILL ALLOW IT
Natural nurturer – they make loving parents and are likely to have strong bonds with their children
Devoted to and protective of those they care about
Like to work independently<< BECAUSE PEOPLE SUCK
Rarest of all types


Negative Traits:

Tend to hold back part of themselves – can be secretive
Are often hard to get to know, difficult to understand
May not be good with money
Often not good with handling practical, day-to-day concerns
Tendency to believe they’re always right and dismiss/ignore other peoples’ opinions, even before fully hearing them out< SO NOT TRUE. WE MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED ON WHAT IS PRESENTED TO US. IF SOMEONE DOESN'T PRESENT THEMSELVES HONESTLY OR COMPLETELY THEN WTF DO PEOPLE EXPECT? WE ALL MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED ON WHAT IS PRESENTED TO US. EVERYONE DOES OR CHOICES ARE NEVER MADE.
May be prone to depression
Intensely dislike criticism and conflict – tend to internalize conflict and may react to it with heated, explosive anger<<< THIS IS JUST A TOTAL CONTRADICTION. HOW DO YOU INTERNALIZE YET ATTACK? I THINK WE ACCEPT CRITICISM IF WE FEEL IT IS COMING FROM A PLACE OF KINDNESS OR RESPECT AND WE REJECT IT IF WE FEEL IT IS BEING EXPRESSED OUT OF VINDICATION OR SOME OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTION, BUT THIS IS A NORMAL REACTION TO SUCH THINGS IMO.
May have a hard time leaving an unhealthy relationship
May be highly protective of themselves and overly private, only sharing what they want and when they want to share it
Can be stubborn<< DRIVEN. WE ARE DRIVEN.WE STAND BEHIND WHAT WE BELIEVE UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE AND THEN WE ARE HUMBLED. OR AT LEAST I AM.
Rarely at complete peace with themselves – always doubt they are living up to their full potential
Often not good with highly detailed tasks – will either avoid these tasks or go to other extreme and become so enveloped in detail that they lose sight of big picture<< OR WE CREATE A MAP INTERNALLY TO COMPLETE THE TASK IN MANNER THAT IS MOST SUCCESSFUL TO ALL INVOLVED OR THE TASK ITSELF. WE THINK. WE ACTUALLY THINK. SHOCKING RIGHT? 

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Strong is the New Pretty. {36 Powerful Images Celebrating what it is to Be a Girl}

Strong is the New Pretty. {36 Powerful Images Celebrating what it is to Be a Girl}

This article caught my eye because, well Evil Knievel and drums were my toys of choice and also my very strong Baby Girl was a tomboy before she suddenly became feminine (mixed with her tomboy!) but then I clicked to read the whole thing and I saw this: Janne Robinson Via Janne Robinson on Apr 13, 2015- Which is odd since my birth name is Jean Robinson and my birthday is April 13...
... and if you read her description at the end you might see a lot of me as well (if I was half my age and hadn't started a family at 20): Janne Robinson is a poet, writer, bushwalker, idealist and animal activist currently residing in Vancouver Island. She cuts kindling with her teeth, eats Bukowski for breakfast and makes the habit of saying the word feminist as much as possible. She surfs naked, pees in the woods, and loves whiskeys that swing their hips when they walk and know what they are doing. >>>>Janne's life-work is to be transparent. She makes a living off hanging her dirty and clean laundry out for the world to see. Her mission is to give others permission to also walk and exist with the same transparency.
The Bukowski reference was the kicker for me... I call this kind of shit synchronicity. My life is filled to the brim with odd connections that are incredibly easy to find; little to no digging needed. Sometimes it is my only affirmation to stay here and breathe longer. The strikingly obvious bread crumbs on this path that make no sense to me and seem so cruel most of the time.But that fucking red line on the map I see when I look back is still there leading me to gawd knows where...

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

bitches gotta eat: do black girls even get to be depressed?

bitches gotta eat: do black girls even get to be depressed?: when i was young i was frequently described as "moody." or dismissed as "angry." according to the social worker who r...



I GET THIS POST LIKE I KNOW MY OWN FACE. LIFE SUCKS BUT OUR FIRE MIGHT BE ALL WE HAVE TO SURVIVE IT.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Why Suicide Notes Are So Short (or my theory on it)



  
Just a few months ago I was truly prepared to end my life. In all honesty, I still struggle to fight that urge but I am not in an abusive place now, so I am hoping for better days. Anyway, leaving my kids is the only thing that ever created any true barrier for me and the distance I have had from my kids has meant that I haven’t seen my son in a year or my daughter since June. I have a lot still to say to them before I go and on this particular day I was determined to attempt to get it out, just in case my courage stayed with me. The funny thing is that by the time I had written this ‘note’ I was past the ‘moment’ as well. So, the suicide note, which was really a very long letter saved my life that day. Since I still want to make sure my words get to the people I love, and life is truly unpredictable, as we all should know by now, I have decided to post it here. I am hoping it will a) get to the people I love, but maybe with happiness rather than mourning since I am still here (yay), and b) maybe help someone else decide to write before they make that very final move to end their life. And c) maybe make people understand how suicide is not for the weak as is often stated by people. It takes serious guts and deep dark pain to actually accept the finality and loss of ones life as the only escape left. I am a coward and actually pretty glad about that right now because I am still here, but not too long ago I almost wasn’t... XXOO

To my son:
I love you. I wanted to get things taken care of but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen and I am not sure I can take any more. I hope you have a wonderful life and I want so badly to know that you finally find happiness and your spot in this world. You mean everything to me as does your sister and I am sorry I failed you both but I tried. I promise I tried. All your stuff is in the ‘storage room/our old kitchen room’ and you have 2 boxes on the shelf in the closet in the hallway and the amp is on the floor of the closet. I don't know if I have the guts to end all this right now but either way I want you to know how loved you are.  I am so very proud to have been your mom. You are such a strong young man. I wish I could be there to continue to watch you grow throughout life but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me and I am so tired and have lost the will to keep fighting a losing battle with life and more than that my mother. You lived here so you have some perspective on it but its worse now because I keep failing at getting out of here and she just keeps getting angrier. I can’t take any more of it. I want peace. I need peace, finally.

To my daughter:
I don’t even know where to begin. You are an angel, a super hero, and the most amazing young woman. I never would have expected such a blessing and I still am in awe of you. I don’t know how or why you were given to me but I am thankful for you and proud beyond words. You will go far Grasshopper. You already have. I am so sorry for the pain I am inflicting upon you by doing this but I truly have no answers anymore and I have begged and pleaded and trusted until I have almost no faith in humanity at all anymore. I don’t see this planet being saved unless there are more people like you suddenly inhabiting it and changing the current illness it suffers from. I wish I could be here for you and all the life events both good and bad you will encounter. I was always happiest just being able to be there for you and your brother. I liked feeling useful and loved. You both loved me well. Know that. You couldn’t save me. I am far too gone in this mess to be saved anymore. I am too much trouble and too much of a load I assume. I have tried though and I have asked everyone and I have prepped for far too many moves that never manifested into anything more than another lost person in my life and more reason for your grandmother to bitch at me. She just has zero concept of me as a human being or an adult or a mother or someone who has overcome the many obstacles this life has placed before me from birth (it seems) and she does not at all accept that she has been responsible for anything. I was fine with that when I was not living with her but now it is always a non-stop open wound she must constantly fill with salt by believing that only she suffers and only she knows anything and only she must be understood. Am I not also a person who deserves to be heard and understood? In her eyes the answer is no. This has been verbally expressed. She has stated that flat out to me. My father has stated his lack of love for me as well or at least that ‘if he digs deep enough he might be able to find some love for me,’ quote. 
You my darling, were loved every single moment of your life plus before and always after. Both you and your brother. You guys were never a burden in any way. You both were a blessing and even the harder times were times I would kill to have again. Know that forever and ever. 
Go for your dreams Baby Girl. Take the risks. Love and allow yourself to be loved back but don’t ever lose you in anyone but your kids. Trust me on this. You are just as important as any mate no matter if you feel otherwise due to whatever circumstances they might have. YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT. Don’t lose anything for someone else, just be a good person who takes people into consideration but still has boundaries. I never had boundaries. I let others shit be too important to me and I got lost and they got greedy and I always got the short end of the stick when it ended or at least after Dad. He did me wrong too but not the way Paul or Edo and so on did. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking my power seriously and I set it aside to be ‘supportive’ when I shouldn’t have been. I let my determination to not ‘leave when it got difficult’ ruin me. I was always so strong before and even with Dad I knew when it was over and becoming nothing more than damaging for everyone and then I would leave but then something happened. Dad’s words about leaving when it got tough hit me hard for some reason. I can look back now and see that I never left when it got tough. It was always a struggle. Life is a struggle. I left when it was beyond repair. For some reason I forgot that when I heard Dads words and I got oddly determined to be ‘better.’ I’d say all those years with Paul were me trying to be ‘better’ but you know what? I was perfect the way I was. Dad was hurt and not one to admit his faults. Even Eric said that Dad had checked out way before I actually ended our relationship. Unfortunately, Eric said that right before we moved onto Muirfield and Paul blew my life to shit. It was already too late for me. 
I am telling you this because its advice I want you to know and an example I figure you might understand. It is not to bad mouth Dad. I am so thankful he has been there for you and he came and took Cameron away from this ugly spiteful place. Dad has a hard time with empathy but his heart is there. He loves you deeply. He isn’t great at expressing it in healthy ways and he can be pretty damn mean at times but he loved the shit out of you right from the womb. He’s got his own damage he may never deal with so try to take that in when he hurts you. It’s not you he’s being hard on but himself. You are amazing and I think he had dreams too and I think that he see’s you in all your glorious beauty and a part of him hurts and yearns for those days when his dreams were still acquirable and alive. 
My advice is to go for happy not safe, but use a bit of caution too. Balance is the key. Don’t spend your life acquiring money and shit because you miss out on living by focusing too much on making the money and not enough on enjoying your family and friends and life in general. Dance around and sing loudly. Laugh at yourself when you do something embarrassing. It’s easier to let it go that way. I’ve always been clumsy so I know this well. There is no point in spending even one extra second on something that has happened that you can’t go back and change. You can examine it to find lessons and understanding but don’t let it eat at you. Don’t let the ugly people have any more of you than they have already gotten. If you trip in public it’s cool. If nothing else you managed to amuse someone for a moment. It’s not life altering. 
If you become a parent someday be respectful of that little persons ideas, needs and desire to be heard. Give them some respect right off the bat. Show them they matter no matter what age they are and they have a voice that should be heard. This doesn’t mean spoil the shit out of them and give them everything they want. It means give them a strong sense of self as early as possible yet still create the needed boundaries to keep them safe. I think respect breeds respect as does trying to lead by example when you can. That’s not always easy in life but if you do what you truly feel is right then you can sleep at night whether things go as planned or not. It’s the integrity and intention put into things and decisions that we should focus on. You have to see people acting these things out though. Never take it purely on words. Words are too easy. They are rather cheap in the end. Action is so loud. Good or bad your gut and peoples actions should keep you safe as long as you stay true to trusting yourself. I stopped doing that at Paul. BAD MOVE. TRUST THAT GUT BABY. This is good advice for all relationships you have in life including professional, personal, family based, friendships and romantic ones. 
Never apologize for asking questions when you need help or answers. People are so insanely determined to pretend they know everything already that they just stop learning and growing and they become such painfully unhappy people or angry. So ask. They might not answer or tell you what you want to hear but ask anyway. The best people in your life will kindly tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. You can trust the people who do this with love but not the ones who do it with anger or any negativity in their answers. These are damaged people that will not bother to be considerate when it is needed most. There are many of these people in the world. Be careful. 
We are all so complex on the surface but underneath we are pretty simple and most people are carrying around a lot of pain and hurt that they refuse to either deal with or accept as something that happens in life and it needs to be placed somewhere or let go of and not used to justify being unkind or weak or vengeful. Most of our ‘baggage’ is stuff we refuse to let go of and not anything we can change. Shit happens and it sucks but in most cases life goes on. My predicament is rare. I have moved on so many times in life so I know the difference. If you have the necessities of life and a friend you can trust who is there for you when you need them or a mate or anyone like that then you will manage. You will be blessed even if in that moment you don’t see it clearly. I was unhappy for a decade or more of being with Paul but I wasn’t miserable until my mom moved in and I had both of them to contend with. I never thought about suicide in any real way until we moved to the house with grandma before Muirfield. I had blessings in you and your brother, so I didn’t feel as unhappy as I would have had it just been Paul and myself. I stayed with him for a few reasons, one being that I was determined for you and Cameron to have what I didn’t which was a home. One place you called home for a long time. My mom moved me more than 30 times by jr high. I wasn’t going to have that for you guys. Secondly, I was worried about him. I was worried about his instability and his suicidal tendencies and although I wondered about him and Angie I had no proof to base that nagging feeling on so I ignored it as much as possible. Another big mistake, but in hindsight I am pretty sure Paul was cheating through the entire 13+ years. I see things now that didn’t make sense then but now suddenly make perfect sense knowing what I now know about the depth of his sadistic shit. I’d give anything to change that but as I said, you can’t change what has already been done. Angie should have told me when Paul was hitting on her. Since she didn’t I only have two logical reasoning’s; she either liked it and participated or she wanted to make sure I was there for her to use. Either way it was so wrong and she was like family to me so it was deeper than anything to me. She knew and she didn’t tell me. I had all that money and she knew and I could have so easily left him and she said nothing. And I told her everything. She knew how unhappy I was with him and she knew I was staying because I was worried about his mental health but had I known he was doing the things he was doing I would have gladly, and happily left with zero guilt or concern for him. She held the key and she hid it for her own selfish reasons just as he did what he did for selfish reasons. She hurt me worse in my heart. He was never much of a person filled with integrity and I was never one to take romantic relationships and believe that they were fairytales. Friendships though? People I looked at as a family member? They were different. Their indifference has been the most painful of all. Use your gut where these people are concerned in your life. I was lonely. Angie was my only friend so I let my gut eat me alive and I kept her in my life. She had a way of inspiring me at times and I liked that about her but she hurt me a lot too and that killed me, still I kept her in my life. It was wrong of me to do and it was really wrong of her to not tell me what she knew. In other words, it was a bad ‘friendship’ but I am grateful for getting the desire and drive to go back to school from watching her graduate. 
Whew. I am trying to cover so much. I’m sorry I keep going on about Paul but I guess I am trying to use examples to express everything as well as possible. And trying to make sure that you and your brother never ever for a single moment feel any guilt or responsibility for my actions. You two are the only reason I have survived this long here with my mom. I wanted to die the second we moved stuff in and I didn’t want to come back here after the first load. I tried to kid myself into believing we might find some common ground or peace between us but your grandmother is determined to be a victim and in control no matter how much she fucks up. She see’s nothing in me of any value. She loves you and holds a grudges against Cameron for growing up and having autism making him not what she expects him to be. Dad is like that too, but I like my son. He is tougher to understand but he doesn’t lack anything he just expresses things in ways that are not always acceptable to people. He is growing but people have to understand how he is doing things in his own time and that he lacks many of life’s experiences that others have early on in life. In relationships, he is lacking the understanding of feeling things in the moment that will pass and that expressing those things in unkind ways is not acceptable because they are momentary. Does that make sense? He can be a lot kinder than you probably realize but he also just moves on without thought to others at times too. It can be painful but when it matters, you might be surprised at how giving he can be. He won’t admit this as he sees these things as weaknesses but he is a really good man. He just processes and expresses differently and people have to work harder to get that but he’s worth it because he is rather smart and funny once you get past the shield he puts up to protect himself. 
What else? What else? Dylan is amazing. At least as far as I can tell. I hope you guys stay happy, but if not that too will pass and you will move on as you always have. You’re strong but you are so very soft too. I hope you surround yourself with people who appreciate that about you and that understand your value, and people who will not assume that your strength means you do not need support or help. Everyone needs support and help. Nothing that we do or achieve is ever 100% alone, ever. Someone somewhere has always contributed to the process. Life is about connections and disconnections and more connections. 
Life is full of people and things that will let you down but in most cases, there is always someone or something that helps you through it. Try not to take advantage of that person or thing. Appreciate them or it and express that appreciation when you can. Good people need to know that someone recognizes their goodness. Crappy people need to be shown that they are transparent and that they hold no power over you as well. You see them but you refuse to give them anything they haven’t earned. Every moment in life is a choice we make even when the choices are shit or there are very few of them to choose from. Sadly, people think this means that we should not hold others responsible for their actions, but that is wrong. People who hurt others are responsible for that pain although sometimes their choices where shitty too and they chose the least shitty one and that hurt someone else, other times people just choose what is easiest for them without any thought at all to how it affects others and that isn’t justifiable, it’s selfish. Never punish yourself for the selfish choices of these people. Always stay true to you even when everything is shit as long as you have your integrity and you can love yourself (which you should unless you are an asshole) you can sleep at night and hold your head high no matter what crap people are dishing out. Their damage is NOT a reflection on you but of their own weaknesses, when it is inflicted on others and hurtful. You still stay the same amazing human you have always been. That is as long as you live consciously. 
I have more but I am suddenly empty of knowledge to share. I will continue this later, I hope. If not know how deeply you are loved and how enormously pride I am to have had you and your brother as my children. 
To Everyone:
Life has been like being on a raft in the middle of the ocean with sharks tapping and banging on all sides. This is what being proactive these last few years has felt like. When I stopped being proactive, due to a total and complete lack of positive results, the tapping mostly stopped so that I am now just floating toward my demise but without all the anxiety and fear. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this, as if almost 3 years of trying is not nearly enough abuse and expended energy. As if, all the failures and losses mean nothing. Of course, all my failures and losses do mean nothing to everyone else. All they amount to to others is a viable reason to judge me and to tell me what I am doing wrong or to guilt me into continuing to be in agony and alone. This is as if all these people with their friends and families and mates and incomes and vehicles and such would not lie down and die if they found all of this suddenly stolen from them. As if, they would do better than I have. As if just sleeping in a bed alone does not paralyze the majority of these people who judge me and try to guilt me into continuing this horrible existence, not to mention not being touched at all for YEARS at a time. Add being berated by their family and abandoned by those people that they gave the most of themselves to for decades. The people that don’t even think of you anymore unless they need something. Otherwise, you are just a distant memory. So why live? Why continue to have verification of ones invisibility? Why carry around so much desire to be valued yet have a never-ending stream of verification that you are not. Knowing that your value is directly related to someone else’s desires and needs and knowing you have nothing left to give because they took it all already and knowing that you are an inconvenience to everyone. That when they were in need you did not make them feel inconvenient. That you gave and did often when you did not always want to or really have it to expend, but you still gave. I am by no means a saint. I have been selfish and unkind the same as everyone else but I have worked very hard to make amends and to learn and remember and do better, be better. I have tried to share that wisdom with others as well. I have tried to lead by example as much as possible and to really take time to evaluate before reacting. That is a lot of hard work and consciousness but it is worth it because I love me. The only part of me I hate is the part that is weakened by everyone else. The part that can’t totally defend itself against the bullshit of the masses. The part people like my mother use to make themselves feel big and in control at any cost whatsoever. It disgusts me. 
I’m tired. I can’t seem to tolerate the attacks anymore. I shake and just start losing control of my mind now. I want to break things. I want to destroy everything. I want to burn it all down. I want to not be anymore. I have so much to express yet I am aware that only a handful of people in a lifetime are invested in me enough to care and they too don’t really understand and I don’t know how to express it well enough to take the pain away I am causing by ending the nightmare. People just need to know that I didn’t cop-out or take the easy way out. There was nothing easy about any of this and ending ones life with any thought at all, is the most difficult thing to do but the option of a slow long torturous life is worse. If I had the courage, I would have ended it much earlier but I get the pills in my hand or the razor into my skin and I panic. The finality of it is beyond understanding until you are in it. It’s that finality that has pulled me back from sweet peace. All the never will be’s and never will see’s. The idea of just suddenly not existing. It’s why I have never taken other peoples deaths well. I cannot quite grasp how a living breathing person can just stop being suddenly. If you are reading this though than I guess I managed to find enough courage to accept the finality of it. 

THANK THE UNIVERSE AND GODS AND EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT THE LAST LINE IS NOT A FACT TODAY! I’M REALLY GLAD I WASN’T READY TO ACCEPT THE NOTHINGNESS OF DEATH. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

YOU ARE WORTHY

To my kids and to everyone else who has ever been told or it has been implied, that they are 'less than' capable of achieving a dream or deep desire. Only people who fear failure will put such worthless shit upon the shoulders of a warrior preparing to go to war in this ruthless world. Particularly, a person who is on a path leading to ones dream becoming reality (no matter the length of that dream). Failure is nothing more than proof that one has the balls to practice what they 
preach and the internal strength to get up and move on with their head held high (and lessons learned duly-noted as well). It also shows internal integrity, because what anyone externally thinks of us (beyond our children and for some, their family/mates) should never alter our path if it is a deep guttural journey we are pursuing. 
I let someone else's words echo so loudly in my head that I made decisions I would have never had made otherwise (in past action patterns at least). From there, I let my pride and my Aries drive to conquer what I perceived as a defect in me based on this one persons words that would not loosen their hold on me become it's own force. That my friends is how the Paul fiasco managed to go on for 14 years not counting the year and half I lived there after the fact.
NEVER AGAIN. EVER.
E
V
E
R
So, listen to what you are saying to one another and be present when saying it AND if what someone is saying to you feels like they are stabbing you to death then they probably are in a manner of speaking. Would you stand there and let someone stab you in reality without fighting back? Probably not. Fight, bite, spit and run if you must but do not let anyone kill your dreams or damage your soul willingly.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Miserable Immoral NonBelievers

At least we keep good company. 
For me it is believing in me and others, laughter and sincerity, empathy and logic. More than anything else though, it is refusing to accept to be a sheep and to base all my rights, choices, emotions, reactions, wants and needs on anything outside of me and my truths. I'm a good enough person to fully trust myself to make these decisions and expend my energies on what I believe to be right and worthy. I don't need anyone 'above me' in any form, be it celestial or hierarchical, class or educational, age or gender to lead me. I'll look for the wisdom around me and inside me to choose. I will continue to observe and compare and weigh and dissect and repair, rebuild and tear down again until I feel the depth of truth has been hit... and then I will continue to observe, just in case. 
People are difficult and unique enough to keep an observer busy for many lifetimes. Why we create so much outer conflict and chaos is beyond me. There is so much to occupy us if we just watch and listen.
Yadda yadda... coffee and Adderall have not quite hit yet. It all makes sense to me though and that is what matters.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Suicide Theory Official Trailer (2014) - Nicholas G. Cooper Thriller...

Five star movie in my opinion and that was having already figured out most of the story line. It's rare I still like a movie this much if I know the twists (or think I do). I don't know why it is rated a thriller though. I found it to feel more like an independent psychological movie but what do I know?

Oh yeah, and it is streaming on Netflix if you feel like checking it out!

“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?” 
― Voltaire, Candide: or, Optimism

Monday, September 14, 2015

And That FB Friend is on A Fucking Roll at Pissing Me Off.

My previous post was about this 'FB friend' and his obsession with what I call self-help guru gods or in other words, The Blind leading the sheep as far as their pockets are deep. OK, that was a stupid line but minimal brain function at the  moment and too much pain as well. Plus, I wasn't signed on to the interwebs for more than 2 minutes before I was forced to write the reply that this post is actually about but my A.D.D. brain has once again driven me off course a bit. (Big breath)
So, I told my mom I am moving out. I sent the email like 4 days ago. She read it last night. In true form she has gone into illogical land and decided to be shocked and hurt rather than elated as she has been drilling into me her deep desire for me to (and I quote) 'get the fuck out of her house so she can have her fucking life back and her friends will stop avoiding her and she can enjoy her life that she hates now BECAUSE OF ME.' Unquote, although a mash-up of quotes it is... So before bed I posted this on my FB page and then took a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my shit:

MY POST: I give my mom exactly what she wants and she has the audacity to be 'hurt and shocked'????? WTF?? A true narcissist (narcopath) in action my friends. No way to win. No way to satisfy them. Always being victimized even by the people they control. It's almost comical. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! Breathe...
Like   Comment   Share
FRIEND likes this.

REPLIES:

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>
Your mother is "hurt and shocked" over a gift ?
Like · Reply · 10 hrs <<< MY QUESTION HERE IS WHY ARE THEY COMMENTING ON SOMETHING THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T GRASP? WHY NOT ASK TO CLARIFY? WHY THEN GO ON TO COMMENT AGAIN??????????????????  WHY?!!!!! THEY ASKED FOR IT...

FRIEND She's always seemed happier with an audience.
Like · Reply · 1 · 7 hrs

FRIEND You can't please everybody, now is the time for you to think of yourself.
Like · Reply · 1 · 6 hrs

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>> 
It may end up better for your own peace, to forgive your mother. If she has narcissistic tendencies, she may be unaware of it. Your parents can die at any moment.
Like · Reply · 6 hrs · Edited  <<<<<<The Comment that pushed me over the edge this morning AND THE EXACT REASON WHY I choose to be an introverted fucking recluse (not now as now is forced but I'll be good with like 1-5 friends. If that. Fuck this shit)

THIS IS ME REPLYING>>> 
The 'gift' is that I am moving. I am giving her exactly what she has been drilling into me almost 24/7 as her deepest desire for the past 2 years. And PLEASE, please, stop giving me advice. I haven't known you long enough to have the patience to hear it and I don't do the 'guru doctor' this says, or 'they say to yadda yadda' thing. 
My life. 
My experience and not the easily categorized and labeled life either. 
So again, as I asked you before; no almost begged you, STOP IT. Everyone dies btw (thanks for the attempt to guilt me into accepting the unacceptable). No one should hold more value where that statement is concerned as everyone has some value to someone somewhere but that is no excuse to accept abuse. NO EXCUSE. And if that is what you tell yourself and others then you are accepting your self worth as less than... and that is all you. Not someone else using and abusing you. Parents and relatives ARE NOT specially licensed to abuse. They get no special 'get out of jail' cards giving them free reign to do so without repercussions. The only person that can do that is you. Anyway, I didn't plan on going to sleep to her shit and waking-up to the guilt fest of eminent death but thanks for the wake-up call.

This reply I did post.

The previous reply (on my previous blog post) I never posted on FB because I was attempting to be a kind and empathetic person who would try to 'let it go' a bit but people are like a manufacturing line of the exact same product. They are so god damn predictable that I just want to scream and break things until I accidently cut an artery and bleed the fuck out. Sweet relief. I can count on one hand the number of people with unique minds that interest me that I know. My kids are two of them. That's 40% of the people. 
I have a week and then I can leave here. I'm elated and freaked out and totally losing my shit trying to sit in this fucking room and wait and now I get to dread my mothers eventual explosion too. Well, at least that will make the staring at the walls and tv a bit more enticing. I need coffee... later people. Or person. Or dead air and crickets. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Wayne Dyer was just another person. He was not a God. He was just human like everyone else.

A friend on FB posted this quote today. He is a BIG follower of Wayne Dyer (like FOLLOWER in all caps) and I guess he took his death pretty hard but that is beside the point... anyway, he posted this quote today and it seemed to be aimed at me, so I did what I do; I commented on it! I have zero patience anymore for having this discussion with people but on occasion I just can't not have a say. It may have not been aimed at me but my gut seemed to think otherwise. My gut is pretty accurate. I'm just sayin'!

""Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality." Wayne Dyer."

Tell that to someone who is literally starving or being abused. I'm not kidding. Life and it's experiences can not be summed up and presented in a pretty and clean box or sentence that makes everyone's heart a flutter with hope and washes away the dirtiness of it. You can not preach 'be strong in YOU!' and such, and in the same breath try to wash away or devalue the facts of some people's reality by basically shaming them for not seeing how they 'have everything they need already! ' Only people who haven't been without, or sheep, can truly support this way of dehumanizing and devaluing the reality of human life. It's funny how they don't do this with animals though. You never see commercials telling animals that they have everything they need while showing film and photos of them starving and/or bloody and beaten and such... isn't that odd? I mean to me it isn't because I know the money machine works by hitting the weak spot in people. It works by convincing these people and their great desire to be saved that if they just FOLLOW... if they just BELIEVE... if they ignore and turn away from anything that rubs against the words being PREACHED (religiously or not)... if it isn't pleasant than let's just devalue it by pretending it can be solved immediately and simply if that person or those people would just do it this way or that... LOL. This frustrates me to no end. The hypocrisy is so alarmingly obvious, and yet people believe what tidies up their little world.  I get that is human behavior but it doesn't have to be if people choose otherwise by opening their eyes and mind to the bigger, messier view. I'm just sayin'!! 

Now I am wavering on posting my reply on his post. He's one of those fragile people that are 'suffering' although they have everything and more to survive comfortably but they lack backbone or internal strength or whatever you want to call the black hole that some people use to excuse everything in their life or to blame everything in their life on. He has done much like my mom has done, except he has gone in search of his guru. Again, looking for someone else to fix him rather than looking inward and finding the tools to heal his own wounds permanently. This whole planet is held together by bandages. It can't hold on forever while leaking from the wounds that never properly healed. Not people nor this planet can be fixed without proper healing. At best we end up with a gimpish (defective) society and a jimmy rigged planet just waiting to crash and burn.
STOP BANDAGING YOUR WOUNDS AND START HEALING THEM INSTEAD!!!! Fuck. How is this not common knowledge? How is this logic, not logical? When did everyone become so drunk on the kool-aid????? 
WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!
Even the gif I found to use was from another guru of the past... too funny. 
Too sad. 
Too real, huh?

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

My curse, or my salvation?

Although I have never really thought about this in this context (being conscious of doing this), seeing this post suddenly made me aware of the fact that I do this naturally, as in, like a habit. It's a coping mechanism that creates empathy rather than rage in most cases. Most assholes are hurt, angry or lonely children on the inside. This does not justify bad behavior but it helps to defuse anger in reaction to them and their tactics. 
It may be my curse, or my salvation but I am pretty damn sure it is why I haven't gone out and retaliated or just hurt the people who so completely deserve some form of 'payback' or 'reaction of which I stand up for myself or my value.' Basically, I use my words (here mostly) and only occasionally day dream about my bare hands and normal versions of retaliation. Most times, I really wish I could be the person who values themselves enough to not be so got damn logical and empathetic. But, I wouldn't be me anymore and I still like myself. So fuck'em. 

Found on FB

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Way to ride the hypocrisy train

Wow! 
Damion, dude. 
Way to get down with the hypocrisy! Oh yee who hollers of the lack of integrity in the people surrounding him! Congrats on the new gig reporting on music you claimed to hate and have no knowledge of either. Even better is seeing that you are reporting on bands I grew up with in Orange County specifically, that you poo poo'd when they were just something I enjoyed. I guess now that they are paying your bills and shit you have suddenly 'seen the light?' 
Bullshit. 
You're two-faced and a sell out. At least you don't challenge or surprise me at all anymore. How embarrassed I am until I realize that at least I got out and stayed out. Some of those other chicks are seriously delusional. You are as transparent as they come and your actual depth is about as deep as your ability to love anyone but yourself. Gawd but you do put on a spectacular show in the first weeks. Thankfully, it didn't take long to see the pattern and the pain and the complete and utter fear your life is driven by, and I pity you but that's about it. 
You're so self-absorbed that even befriending you was impossible without being lied to, used and spit on regularly. You my ex-friend have some serious shit to work out in your past before you have any right to bring anyone into your personal hell. What a sad lonely way to choose to live. 
And thank you, THANK YOU for not contacting me when your last known bullshit story failed as predicted. I have a serious issue with caring about people who don't deserve my time, energy or care, but I think I have finally hit the line that will stop me from continuing to do that. So again, thank you. One less person to worry about. One less person to have to watch my back around. One less person whose bullshit I will pretend to believe while I try to figure out how to help. Some people, no many people just don't have the tools to grow up or the depth to empathize sincerely with anyone else. I've been saved! Hallelujah! 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend.
The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested.
The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you.
The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to samsaric heavens.
The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities.
 ~ Excerpted from the Sigalovada Sutta
This article is offered under Creative Commons license. It’s okay to republish it anywhere as long as attribution bio is included and all links remain intact.
Flickr - buddha - UggBoyUggGirl

Thursday, September 3, 2015

MY DRUNK KITCHEN: Homemade Rice Crispy Treats!

RICE KRISPY TREATS- THEY HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART AS WELL BUT I COULD NEVER SHARE IT WITH THE WORLD AS ELOQUENTLY AS HANNAH HAS HERE!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

"Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment." (see story below)
And then they bitch about crime. Hungry people are desperate people and guess what? Not all people in poverty have little kids. Some of us already took care of our parental responsibility and have kids paying into a system that is letting their parents starve to death. Make sense, right? Ha! On top of that many of us have disabilities but the system is so incredibly screwed that it literally takes YEARS to get through the process only to be denied and have to go through appeals. They're hypocrites. They know the system is so bad that the few ways adults without children have to get food-stamps are not even viable options, so they consciously are letting us starve.
And I am hungry right now, so this really pisses me off to read. Hungry people are also sick, under-productive and REALLY easily pissed off. Malnutrition does not really work well with productivity.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/food-stamps-time-limit_55e5cf01e4b0b7a9633a4c60

Unemployed People Are Getting Kicked Off Food Stamps

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Earlier this year, the Hoosier State notified roughly 50,000 of the state's 836,000 food stamp recipients that they would be getting the boot come October unless they met work requirements set by the 1996 federal welfare reform law. That Gingrichian measure requires childless adults without disabilities to work 20 hours a week in order to qualify for more than three months of food stamp benefits.
Federal regulations let states waive that rule in times of high unemployment, and since 2009 almost every state has done so. But the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which oversees food stamp benefits -- more formally known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program -- notified states this year that they would soon lose those waivers thanks to falling unemployment rates.
Ending the waivers would kick about a million people off food stamps by the end of next year, according to a January estimate by Ed Bolen, a policy expert with the liberal Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. He said in an interview this week that Indiana is being more aggressive about the time limit than it needs to be, since states can still apply for limited waivers in areas of high unemployment.
"Indiana is not taking an approach that other states are taking, which is to keep the waiver in parts of the state that are hard hit," Bolen said.
But Jim Gavin, a spokesman for the Indiana Family and Social Services Administration, said that forgoing waivers altogether is better policy.
"We view the establishment of the time limits as an opportunity to help improve the skills of Hoosiers in all parts of the state and advance their prospects for meaningful employment," Gavin said, "while at the same time establishing a pool of better prepared candidates for the Indiana workforce."
Only about 10 percent of the 47 million SNAP recipients nationally were able-bodied adults without dependents in 2013, according to the most recent USDA data. The overall number of recipients has declined slightly since then to roughly 45 million. 
The three-month limit for those not working has also been reinstated this year in Wisconsin and Maine, and soon will in New Mexico. Kansas reimposed it in 2013. Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback (R) and New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez (R) urged other states to follow suit in a Sunday op-ed in The Washington Times.
"We encourage governors not to renew work waivers for able-bodied adults without dependent children who are on food assistance and, instead, help lift millions off of welfare and transition them to meaningful jobs as a result," the governors wrote, citing circumstantial evidence that reimposing the time limit boosted employment in some states.
Food stamp recipients can fulfill the work requirement by finding a job or by participating in activities like job training, though Bolen said most states don't offer programs that would guarantee people those other options if they can't find a job.
HuffPost readers: Affected by a SNAP work requirement in your state? Tell us about it -- email arthur@huffingtonpost.com. Please include your phone number if you're willing to be interviewed for a story.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Ka is a wheel

“Ka is a wheel; its one purpose is to turn. The spin of ka always brings us back to the same place, to face and reface our mistakes and defeats until we can learn from them. When we learn from the past, the wheel continues to move forward, towards growth and evolution. When we don’t, the wheel spins backward, and we are given another chance. If once more we squander the opportunity, the wheel continues its rotation towards devolution, or destruction.” -Stephen King
I'm making Ka beads with my freebies!

 Evil Eye beads next! 

Saddest drawing ever... RIP Wes.


I saw this on FB via Alonso Duralde's FB page. No idea who drew it though.

23 Emotions People Feel but Can't Explain- Borrowed from FB


This FB post didn't include a link to the author but it was posted by the Writers Circle page.

Friday, August 28, 2015

INFJ's Like Me Need a Survival Guide, But I Guess 'Here's a Guide to Knowing an INFJ' Instead.

SO THIS HERE LITTLE ARTICLE IS BASICALLY MY INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL STRUGGLE EXPLAINED IN LAYMEN TERMS. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE IT SITTING THERE WAITING FOR ME TO DISCOVER IT IN MY FB STREAM, BUT THERE IT WAS SO HERE I SHARE. IF ANYONE ELSE IS AN INFJ YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME. WE CAN START A GROUP FOR THE DISCONNECTED 1% OF US AND EAT CAKE. I REALLY WANT CAKE, SORRY...
http://iheartintelligence.com/2015/08/27/constant-contradictions/

Of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the rarest of them is the INFJ. Only 1% of the people who take the MBTI fall into this personality type, and if you happen to be one of these rare souls, you know how hard it can be for other people to understand you – or even to understand yourself. One of the defining characteristics of the INFJ is an almost constant internal contradiction. 16personalities.com describes the INJF as having a “very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create an advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.”  SEE? I REALLY AM THE PERSON I CLAIM TO BE, SO NEENER! 
To get an idea of what I am talking about, here are 6 things that other INFJs will agree with me on (even if they don’t admit it).
1. Most of your favorite people are fictional. In fact, most of the time you feel a real connection to another INJF, it is typically in a book. 98% OF REAL PEOPLE SUCK IT IN MY EXPERIENCE AND THERE ISN'T ANYONE TRYING TO PROVE ME WRONG WITH ANYTHING MORE THAN WORDS. USELESS WORDS. CHEAP WORDS. BLAH BLAH BLAH CLICK CLICK YADDA...
2. You find it easy to convince people that you’re an extrovert one minute, and an introvert the next. You understand that it confuses people when you shift gears, but you also know that sometimes you just want to be alone. You want relationships in your life and they make you happy, but you also need a lot of alone time to be happy. It’s a constant juggling act. -I WANT BALANCE AND SOME PEACE FOR HELL'S SAKE. CLING I DO NOT. CLINGY SUCKS. BEING SO NEEDY HAS BEEN HELL FOR ME AND THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALONE TIME AND TOTAL ISOLATION FOR YEARS. BIG BIG DIFFERENCE. 
3. As much as you hate working for money, you’re realistic about needing money to pay bills, rent, etc. It’s a constant battle between being responsible and being free. You can, at the same time, imagine a utopian society – and know that it will never exist.- BUT I STILL DREAM
4. Your intuition will often times play out exactly how a situation is going to go for someone in your head. But, at the risk of offending someone, you just let it play out, and let them make the mistake that you saw coming all along. This is compounded by the fact self-destructive people are drawn to you like a moth to a flame, and you generally care about their problems more than they do. A lot of times, you create standards for other people in your heads based on how you would treat others (including yourself), or what you would do if you were them. You then find yourself severely disappointed when others don’t meet your made-up standards. -GET'EM AWAY, DAMN IT. HALT! SEIZE! TURN THE FUCK AROUND AND MARCH!!!  
5. Sometimes you get a thought in your head that you can’t put into words that other people will understand. Typically, when you try to explain it – you end up confusing them even more. Most of the time, this situation revolves around telling someone how you feel. You either reveal as little about yourself as you possibly can or you reveal WAY too much and end up feeling like an idiot after the fact. After you’ve gone through this cycle enough times, you often end up apologizing for any expression of emotion at all. Social media doesn’t help at all with this one. -THIS BLOG IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW I TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD TO NO AVAIL.
6. You have the ability to fit in everywhere, without feeling like you fit in anywhere. As gifted as you are as an intellectual, you can be miles away from the world around you. This usually leads to a realization that most of the world doesn’t live inside of their own head like you, and that seems weird to you. Often times this leaves you feeling like you are in tune with everyone else’s feelings except your own. -IN OTHER WORDS- SQUARE PEG AMONG ROUND HOLES