Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Twilight Zone Anyone?
So, I know I sound bent and dramatic in my posts and this is because life turned to complete shit a little over two years ago and has continually gotten bleaker and more unbearable every day since. What I am here to write about though is not me but my best and oldest mate Michael. I have known him for 34 years. We took completely different paths but somehow find ourselves in exactly the same shoes; planning our deaths since it has become impossible to survive anymore. Let me make a clear point, no matter the mindset or belief system or how 'positive' one forces themselves to be, a lack of food will at some point kill a person. Worrying about such a basic need 24/7 is almost as bad as the prospect of starving to death and I know starvation from my past. So I wanted to point out that I am not some freak but a white middle age educated female who can not survive and my best friend is a white middle age educated male and he can't survive either. Now I suppose I should add for the naysayers that I have only seen my friend one time in the past 30 years and that was almost a decade ago. So no, we have not had anything at all to do with one anothers demise. I guess we both just lucky. Ha. I'd ask for prayers of all forms but I'm pretty sure there is nothing good left out there.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Sometimes Our Profiles Say It All And I Don't Want To Go Without Being Heard.
MY PROFILE:
Dinosauria, We~
Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
~BUKOWSKI
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
George Eliot
WORD.
Yeah, laughing is what stands between death and survival.
(I think I am going to have this tattooed on me next!)
"...I do not want a stranger--unsympathizing, alien, different from me; I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling." 'Jane Eyre' on marriage.
“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion
The laughing heart (Tom Waits reads a Charles Bukowski poem) http://youtu.be/bHOHi5ueo0A
Tom Waits reads Nirvana by Charles Bukowski
http://youtu.be/W-vdPkESLZs
Bukowski rocks.
Pablo Neruda rocks as well....
If you are looking for someone to blow sunshine and rainbows out of their ass for you then please, move on. I have nothing to be ashamed enough of or about to lie or weave stories for the desires of others and their judgements. My reality is mine. It's been pretty ugly for the past few years, but if anyone thinks I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear; particularly people I don't even know, then they can screw off. I haven't bled my way through all this to be judged based on how pleasing my reality is or is not at the moment. And I wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone who would do or want that either. So, you have been warned to move on. Proceed with caution and full knowledge of that with which you pursue.
I want to believe. With all my being, I want to believe. If I had more to offer it would be easier, but when I did I still got burned. I just do not have that kind of strength anymore. I'm tapped out and good intentions don't mean success. I need success God Damn It. I need to know I am not tainted and that I have something to offer that is truly worth what I lack. Problem is, people want everything. In the end, what was perceived as lacking is what destroys most relationships. I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light. I guess I want a lot. I deserve it though. I know who I am and I love me. I'm just exhausted by everyone else and I get too tired to keep searching this universe for true. I'm getting old as well, which means I have less and less to offer of what people look for, which is beauty, youth, perky fucking tits and a tight ass. I could buy that, but I don't want to. Maybe a little touch here and there on my face, but none of that plastic shit for me. If I can't make you feel loved the way I am, all the plastic in the world isn't gonna change a got damn thing. Plus, I have never loved a man less for his physical shortcomings. Small dick, and I mean small, extra 100 lbs of flesh, bad skin, bent dick... who the fuck cares. None of those things equate to their true value. In my eyes anyway, but it ALWAYS come down to these things for women, or at least me. Cheating and porn addiction have run a muck in all my adult relationships. It didn't matter if I was 22 and hot as all hell, tight assed and in sexy near nothings daily; they still cheated and or went to great and amazing heights to feed the porn addiction. I don't understand. It is fake. Fake people expressing fake emotion like a fucking conveyor belt of plastic sex. The more intake you get the more cold and disconnected you become from reality. And BTW, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE MEN IN THOSE VIDEOS EITHER, but I wouldn't go fuck someone else or steal porn from your parents to watch them. I wouldn't risk anything I love for something so trivial and false. I see the programming or reprogramming going on by this industry of sweat and money... why doesn't anyone else? You claim a non-sheep mentality and try to tell me that your porn needs aren't high tailing to the closest pack and following? Are you serious? You're being led by your dick Son. It's a myth. You want a fucking mind blowing experience?
Try digging around in your 'truth' and working on the shit that's been fucking you up for so long. Try achievement. Try a few really good swift kick to the head, both if need be, and the ego. Wow. Did it again. I think my lack of female friends makes me do this. Isn't that where women usually bitch about all this? If I had that maybe I wouldn't keep getting called negative. I don't see it. How is seeing, and facing the realness of your shit and consciously making true attempts to not just overcome but remold your mind over and over in a true path to ultimate honesty and awareness being negative? Talking about experiences you have had does not equate to negative. Dwelling and using them over and over to get sympathy and attention is. One is for the expectation of something from others and one is the expectation of a new awareness within. That's my call on the subject. I will not stop speaking because I have not been blessed enough recently to be able to, in all honesty, appease anyone's need for 'positive' words if I don't have that to speak about. Do you care about me or do you care about the illusion you want me to be? I will be a fucking bright ass star lighting your world if you just let me take care of my business. That would be working through my shit so I am not just another fucking psycho woman who has ignored her lifes lessons. I don't even like most women because of this. Peel back the layers and at least try to repair and learn instead of gloss-over the ugly shit. It wouldn't be life if it was all airbrushed and glossy for everyone else's pleasure. This is your life... this is my life... don't let anyone tell you that working it out is doing something negative. Just look at who is saying it. Do they have it all together? And I mean in truth not visually. Internally. Look in their eyes and ask them... the eyes NEVER lie. You just have to be willing to see no matter what the outcome. Whew. I'm spent. That was fun. Ha!
Well I took another chance and it bombed. I did however do as I do and get him what he needed but could not achieve on his own... the rest is his either to succeed or fail at, just like all the others. LOL. I am beginning to understand my place in this universe. If they just paid me to get them whatever the hell they have been failing at before me than I suppose I wouldn't be so damn angsty about it afterward. The universe doesn't pay though and the mates usually take far more than they deserve.
I am discovering that all my high percentile matches are either Aries/computer people or Pisces/computer people... ixnay on the Pisces... sorry, but it has been proven that me and a Pisces are NOT capable of interaction on any level. None. What's up with the computer thing though? Must be a brain processing issue. Hmmm. Something to ponder.
Since I get the "why do you have an OKC account if you don't want to date/hook-up etc." question on a regular basis, here is the answer: I have had this account for 8 or 9 years from back in the Myspace days, before Facebook won the social network wars. Back then the only place to access surveys and fun things like that was here, but you were required to open an account to access them (This included when you were in Myspace and doing a survey someone else posted. To get your 'result' it would send you here.) So... that is the how and why of my OKC account. Now it is to keep in touch with a handful of friends that have gotten lost in Facebook's non-stop unwanted restructuring that has made seeing anything by people you actually want to interact with near impossible.
Friends... just looking for friends.... nothing else. Life's difficult enough ya know? This relationship thing is just beyond me at this point. Isn't it suppose to be a level give and take most of the time? I've decided that I have had enough of men for 3 or 4 lifetimes. Never take me as stupid. I see a lot, but I will wait until I have proof to back my shit up and to make my move. People have always underestimated me. That's the wrong move Son. My kindness should never be taken as stupidity. Yes, I made a bad choice and trusted the wrong person/people. You can only face your reality to move forward. To ignore your reality is to guarantee a life of pain, failure and loneliness.
Jake: I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place. Exactly.
I'm just realizing that love is not enough and it makes me sad.
Hope doesn't cut it either. No wonder there are so many bitter people in the world. Doesn't anyone know how a relationship works?????
I wish I was at Hogwarts. Seriously. I really mean this. It isn't here to be cute. I am not cute. I'm unique.
My 'kids' are adults. 21 and 25, and they will always be my babies, and the most important people in my life. Hands down. No man, woman, deity or beast will ever take that top place in my heart or my life...
What I’m doing with my life
Helping others achieve their unattainable goals and wondering why anyone here would ask me for my number after all this AND my obvious inability to trust anyone here. Are you all just that ego based? That sure that you will have the magic words to suddenly make a girl like me swoon and lose all sense of logic? Dudes... move the fuck on then. I spent 7 years talking to one person before we met and he still turned out to be my worst nightmare. You really think I am that stupid or naive? Really? That doesn't say much for women these days then. They all must really fall all over that shit. I'm not one of them so stop. Now. Please.
I now get to add that it is official... if you are a narcissist then you will find me. I am a beacon. If I could figure out how to disconnect the damn light I would, but 4 narcs in a row is becoming pretty obvious. The last one I have know since 9th grade. That's 30 years and then BAM! Total freak.
I give up.
Changing my hair color. Platinum blonde at the moment... meh. Not even worth taking a photo since it will probably be something different within the month. I am so ready to be not here anymore and wake up in a new place. My hair might get a break once my life is in my control again. Maybe. I bore myself so I try to change that on occasion.
Trying to move it all along.
Consuming BBC TV like it's oxygen... The Fades! Brilliant. Gavin and Stacey, Tidy!
(Grosse Point Blank has some of the BEST things to quote. IMO.)
Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
I’m really good at
Being me.....
Adapting.
Pretending I am OK. Pretending I am a hard ass. Pretending that you can't hurt me....
Finding the shit you don't want me to know about. It's like some sick force that keeps on bringing out what I have had enough viewing of as it is... I do not need to see just how sick the people I have loved actually are. I have become aware of enough. The universe must stop revealing these things to me about people I am not physically and emotionally 'with' anymore. Let the new chicks in their lives discover their dark sides. I don't want nor need to see anymore. This just makes it more difficult to trust ANYONE ever again. Enough already. Plus, it makes me feel like shit that these new woman may not know what ugliness lies beneath these men's outward appearances. Which makes me feel guilty for not telling them, and I am sick and tired of worrying about people I don't even like or who are too stupid to bother looking into who the hell they are exposing their children to. Gawd. It is all so disheartening.
The first things people usually notice about me
That's a question better answered by the people meeting me.
You love me or you don't. You appreciate my truthfulness or you don't. You accept my kindness as real or you wait for me to fuck up. I am kind though. Far too kind.
Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.
Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: The Gunslinger (If you haven't read it then damn it... DO IT!) Harry Potter... all of them. I read Bird by Bird (Some Instructions on Writing and Life). It's worth every minute of reading. I am re-reading Stephen King's On Writing because damn it if that man hasn't had an interesting life.
I'm becoming obsessed with Charles Bukowski's work. I 'get' this mans brain. He makes sense to me. He was a pretty interesting creature as well! So I am finding what I love and letting it kill me.... sounds better than dating at this point.
Movies: Field Of Dreams. Possibly one of the greatest movies ever. Green Street Hooligans!!! John Cusack. The Piv. I am a movie addict. I cross all the lines in the genre department. I prefer to get a good laugh though and feel a connection to the characters. Spanglish is on my top 100 list. I really dig watching series too. Soprano's, Roseanne, Dead Like Me, Weeds, Dexter, True Blood, Being Human (BBC version. I LOVE BBC TV) etc.
Food: I like food. I hate food. I LOVE to feed people though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy!
Sushi and basic Japanese food rock my socks too.
I make the most amazing sandwiches.... I do. I swear. Ask anyone who's had one!!!
I seem to have lost my music here in OKC profile hell. I suppose this is a sign that my page is too full, but I can't win the 'Longest Profile Page' award if I delete anything, so here is a very short list: Modest Mouse, Pinback which has since been ruined by my ex's need to play them for his new chick far too often and that really pisses me off too. Old punk, old Police, hell most 80's music, Black Tide, Rebelution, Iration, Redbone, Bad Religion (#1 Fav), The Cramps, Postal Service, uh, crap, I should open my Spotify... AWOLNATION (LOVE), Macklemore (I'm gonna pop some tags...), older Ben Harper, Interpol, old G- Love and Special Sauce, and Alien Ant Farm. Hopefully this short list is versatile enough to get the point across. I like a lot of music from a lot of different sides of the music realm.
The six things I could never do without
1. My kids
2. Books. Many many books.
3. Music- Old Punk, 80's (being a child/Teen of that time), Iration, Rebelution, Black Tide, old Police etc.
4. Skin care stuff. I am obsessive about my skin.
5. Friends, although I have been doing without any face-to-face friends for a long time now, and it is killing me.
6. I am rediscovering art. I've missed it, so now I am trying to reconnect.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The struggle. Moving forward instead of being in limbo. Far easier to think than do.
Time and how fast it goes by and leaves us reeling in the aftermath of what we were too busy to notice...
Such as the time to give. I am not a quitter by nature, and it seems to be the bane of my existence.
...Why I think I will ever find someone with the will to move forward rather than sit in the same spot or live in the past. The past is fine to visit but the NOW is what the focus should be on, as the later will come either way...
Sheep. I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to see what the attraction is to being a sheep. It pains me to see this everywhere. It pains me to get bitched at by people on OKC about how I am not fitting into their idea of what a person on here should be. I don't want to be you, or her, or them. I CHOOSE ME. I'm special in a way most of you will never get to know because I see through you and I can't respect you although I can accept your choices as long as they don't touch me. I can respect you for being you but not for being anyone else. It's the one gift we all get. The choice to be ourselves. Why so many choose to be the status quo is beyond me but if it actually makes you happy, which is rare in my experience, than you go Boy or Girl or You. I can respect it if it is true and it makes you happy all the way through. I always prefer the company of an asshole who knows and accepts that this is who they are than a 'nice' person who is faking it. Why? Why bother? Just be real. You will find your people if you just stop wearing your masks or following the herd.
"To hold on to sanity too tight is insane. "
Pushing Tin
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing homework.
Watching netflix streaming. I am so out of good options. Even Korean soaps aren't cutting it anymore. Sigh...
Trying to tap into my creative side again. Dreaming of drawing, painting, sculpting and a plethora of other things I really wish I could afford to pursue.
Trying to ignore the fact that it is just another day- SSDD. Did I really once get excited for the weekend? I did. I remember it; barely.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a bit self-righteous. I work hard to be a decent person and I believe anyone who wants any kind of interaction with other persons ( that is a positive interaction) should also be willing to work hard for it... so, if you walk all over people or treat them like trash and piss and whine about it then I really have no sympathy for you. If you work hard for those relationships and piss and whine, then I can give you all the support you need for as long as it takes. Yep, I am self-righteous, but it is because in most cases you can be better and do a hell of a lot more. Life is one long work of art. Real art is made from blood, sweat and tears, and so life is too. So suck it if my belief that you can do and be more scares you or pisses you off.
I screw up... often. If I can lower my pride and admit my faults and if it can't be forgiven then I suppose I don't need people like that in my life. I'm big on forgiveness. It's truly one of the hardest things to give another person. It's also hard to find people that can give that back. Life is strange.
437737 And sometimes cruel as well... you get over a good portion of it though, but I'm just not sure I have any gas left to burn at this point.
This trait sucks. It's gets you a lot of wasted time. It makes you question yourself. I don't like that. I prefer not to question myself but I seem to do it often.
I was homeless for 3 years right out of high school. Real homeless. Hungry, cold, no where to go homeless. Think Suburbia. Penelope Spheeris version. I could relate to that movie in ways you can't imagine. I even knew a few of the 'actors'. You may notice Flea, from The Red Hot Chili Peppers in it; he was Rat Boy to us back in those days. Him and that damn rat.
I've experienced my first true deep dark depression this last year. It's a scary place and I wish it upon no one.
UPDATE: I almost feel for a guy. Someone I have 'known' online for many many years. He hurt me. Indifference and words with zero actions or promises with zero actions are not being kind to a person. BE REAL IN ALL YOUR FAULTS AND GLORIES. BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It's the only possible way to ever truly have a shot at a happy relationship. WORD.
Is that all private enough for you?
You should message me if
UPDATE: Still not a potential mate, as I have zero faith in love at this point. Love your kids and be well. That's my advice for you.
If you are a Gym Rat then PLEASE, I beg of you... pass on by. I am not interested. Being fit is fine, but I would rather have a fat happy guy than a fit sociopath any day, and there seems to be a connection with people obsessed with one particular thing and neuroticism. Be it the gym or YoVille... there is a connection and I have no desire to get near that EVER again. I have had far too many Neurotics in my life in the last couple decades, thank you very much.
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude
DON'T IM me saying I'm sexy, you want to meet me in person, you want to make out with me or any other ridiculous thing that you might say to a potential mate... I AM NOT A POTENTIAL MATE. If I ever am I will make it known. If you're in the mood to fight or just ruffle someones feathers I can hold my own but will most likely just not bother to waste the energy. Well, that is unless the subject interests me.
And BTW... Just a little advice from a Woman to a Man....
You ready??????? You sure? Mkay.....
STOP USING PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITH SUNGLASSES ON AS YOUR PROFILE PIC. Period. Got that?
You don't look sexy, you look like you are hiding something. You look like you don't have any confidence in yourself. You look CREEPY.
Update: I am adding here for me personally, those damn shots of you nekkid, baring your abs, flexing, hanging out with cheerleaders or Hooters girls, laying in your bed, or looking stern... they make my skin crawl. If you find a woman that thinks any of these things makes you more of a man than you deserve her and all the shit she is going to bring you. True story. Same with the woman. If you are choosing your chicks based on various shots of tits, ass, abs etcetera, then yeah, you get what you choose there Boys. This being a woman lacking inner strength or a broken soul. A narcissist. A little girl with Daddy issues. Have fun with that; not a ride anyone will enjoy in the end. Trust me on this one too!
I don't trust a woman with no eyebrows or a man who won't take his sunglasses off and I never gamble next to an Asian older woman. The men are lucky... the woman suck you dry. I assume that they are literally consuming all the luck you may have had before they sat down next to you. It's weird. I wonder how they do that. Really wish I knew how to do that myself....
So anyway, back to my point.... "The eyes are the windows to the soul...." So stop that sunglasses thing guys!
Meh. I probably won't reply either way so don't take it personal. You should see me try to interact in person.... it's really just painful.
You're John Cusack....
You're Michael Socha (Being Human BBC. I LOVE BBC)
I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process. < WORD!!!
John Cusack
Dinosauria, We~
Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
~BUKOWSKI
"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
George Eliot
WORD.
Yeah, laughing is what stands between death and survival.
(I think I am going to have this tattooed on me next!)
"...I do not want a stranger--unsympathizing, alien, different from me; I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling." 'Jane Eyre' on marriage.
“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion
The laughing heart (Tom Waits reads a Charles Bukowski poem) http://youtu.be/bHOHi5ueo0A
Tom Waits reads Nirvana by Charles Bukowski
http://youtu.be/W-vdPkESLZs
Bukowski rocks.
Pablo Neruda rocks as well....
If you are looking for someone to blow sunshine and rainbows out of their ass for you then please, move on. I have nothing to be ashamed enough of or about to lie or weave stories for the desires of others and their judgements. My reality is mine. It's been pretty ugly for the past few years, but if anyone thinks I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear; particularly people I don't even know, then they can screw off. I haven't bled my way through all this to be judged based on how pleasing my reality is or is not at the moment. And I wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone who would do or want that either. So, you have been warned to move on. Proceed with caution and full knowledge of that with which you pursue.
I want to believe. With all my being, I want to believe. If I had more to offer it would be easier, but when I did I still got burned. I just do not have that kind of strength anymore. I'm tapped out and good intentions don't mean success. I need success God Damn It. I need to know I am not tainted and that I have something to offer that is truly worth what I lack. Problem is, people want everything. In the end, what was perceived as lacking is what destroys most relationships. I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light. I guess I want a lot. I deserve it though. I know who I am and I love me. I'm just exhausted by everyone else and I get too tired to keep searching this universe for true. I'm getting old as well, which means I have less and less to offer of what people look for, which is beauty, youth, perky fucking tits and a tight ass. I could buy that, but I don't want to. Maybe a little touch here and there on my face, but none of that plastic shit for me. If I can't make you feel loved the way I am, all the plastic in the world isn't gonna change a got damn thing. Plus, I have never loved a man less for his physical shortcomings. Small dick, and I mean small, extra 100 lbs of flesh, bad skin, bent dick... who the fuck cares. None of those things equate to their true value. In my eyes anyway, but it ALWAYS come down to these things for women, or at least me. Cheating and porn addiction have run a muck in all my adult relationships. It didn't matter if I was 22 and hot as all hell, tight assed and in sexy near nothings daily; they still cheated and or went to great and amazing heights to feed the porn addiction. I don't understand. It is fake. Fake people expressing fake emotion like a fucking conveyor belt of plastic sex. The more intake you get the more cold and disconnected you become from reality. And BTW, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE MEN IN THOSE VIDEOS EITHER, but I wouldn't go fuck someone else or steal porn from your parents to watch them. I wouldn't risk anything I love for something so trivial and false. I see the programming or reprogramming going on by this industry of sweat and money... why doesn't anyone else? You claim a non-sheep mentality and try to tell me that your porn needs aren't high tailing to the closest pack and following? Are you serious? You're being led by your dick Son. It's a myth. You want a fucking mind blowing experience?
Try digging around in your 'truth' and working on the shit that's been fucking you up for so long. Try achievement. Try a few really good swift kick to the head, both if need be, and the ego. Wow. Did it again. I think my lack of female friends makes me do this. Isn't that where women usually bitch about all this? If I had that maybe I wouldn't keep getting called negative. I don't see it. How is seeing, and facing the realness of your shit and consciously making true attempts to not just overcome but remold your mind over and over in a true path to ultimate honesty and awareness being negative? Talking about experiences you have had does not equate to negative. Dwelling and using them over and over to get sympathy and attention is. One is for the expectation of something from others and one is the expectation of a new awareness within. That's my call on the subject. I will not stop speaking because I have not been blessed enough recently to be able to, in all honesty, appease anyone's need for 'positive' words if I don't have that to speak about. Do you care about me or do you care about the illusion you want me to be? I will be a fucking bright ass star lighting your world if you just let me take care of my business. That would be working through my shit so I am not just another fucking psycho woman who has ignored her lifes lessons. I don't even like most women because of this. Peel back the layers and at least try to repair and learn instead of gloss-over the ugly shit. It wouldn't be life if it was all airbrushed and glossy for everyone else's pleasure. This is your life... this is my life... don't let anyone tell you that working it out is doing something negative. Just look at who is saying it. Do they have it all together? And I mean in truth not visually. Internally. Look in their eyes and ask them... the eyes NEVER lie. You just have to be willing to see no matter what the outcome. Whew. I'm spent. That was fun. Ha!
Well I took another chance and it bombed. I did however do as I do and get him what he needed but could not achieve on his own... the rest is his either to succeed or fail at, just like all the others. LOL. I am beginning to understand my place in this universe. If they just paid me to get them whatever the hell they have been failing at before me than I suppose I wouldn't be so damn angsty about it afterward. The universe doesn't pay though and the mates usually take far more than they deserve.
I am discovering that all my high percentile matches are either Aries/computer people or Pisces/computer people... ixnay on the Pisces... sorry, but it has been proven that me and a Pisces are NOT capable of interaction on any level. None. What's up with the computer thing though? Must be a brain processing issue. Hmmm. Something to ponder.
Since I get the "why do you have an OKC account if you don't want to date/hook-up etc." question on a regular basis, here is the answer: I have had this account for 8 or 9 years from back in the Myspace days, before Facebook won the social network wars. Back then the only place to access surveys and fun things like that was here, but you were required to open an account to access them (This included when you were in Myspace and doing a survey someone else posted. To get your 'result' it would send you here.) So... that is the how and why of my OKC account. Now it is to keep in touch with a handful of friends that have gotten lost in Facebook's non-stop unwanted restructuring that has made seeing anything by people you actually want to interact with near impossible.
Friends... just looking for friends.... nothing else. Life's difficult enough ya know? This relationship thing is just beyond me at this point. Isn't it suppose to be a level give and take most of the time? I've decided that I have had enough of men for 3 or 4 lifetimes. Never take me as stupid. I see a lot, but I will wait until I have proof to back my shit up and to make my move. People have always underestimated me. That's the wrong move Son. My kindness should never be taken as stupidity. Yes, I made a bad choice and trusted the wrong person/people. You can only face your reality to move forward. To ignore your reality is to guarantee a life of pain, failure and loneliness.
Jake: I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place. Exactly.
I'm just realizing that love is not enough and it makes me sad.
Hope doesn't cut it either. No wonder there are so many bitter people in the world. Doesn't anyone know how a relationship works?????
I wish I was at Hogwarts. Seriously. I really mean this. It isn't here to be cute. I am not cute. I'm unique.
My 'kids' are adults. 21 and 25, and they will always be my babies, and the most important people in my life. Hands down. No man, woman, deity or beast will ever take that top place in my heart or my life...
What I’m doing with my life
Helping others achieve their unattainable goals and wondering why anyone here would ask me for my number after all this AND my obvious inability to trust anyone here. Are you all just that ego based? That sure that you will have the magic words to suddenly make a girl like me swoon and lose all sense of logic? Dudes... move the fuck on then. I spent 7 years talking to one person before we met and he still turned out to be my worst nightmare. You really think I am that stupid or naive? Really? That doesn't say much for women these days then. They all must really fall all over that shit. I'm not one of them so stop. Now. Please.
I now get to add that it is official... if you are a narcissist then you will find me. I am a beacon. If I could figure out how to disconnect the damn light I would, but 4 narcs in a row is becoming pretty obvious. The last one I have know since 9th grade. That's 30 years and then BAM! Total freak.
I give up.
Changing my hair color. Platinum blonde at the moment... meh. Not even worth taking a photo since it will probably be something different within the month. I am so ready to be not here anymore and wake up in a new place. My hair might get a break once my life is in my control again. Maybe. I bore myself so I try to change that on occasion.
Trying to move it all along.
Consuming BBC TV like it's oxygen... The Fades! Brilliant. Gavin and Stacey, Tidy!
(Grosse Point Blank has some of the BEST things to quote. IMO.)
Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
I’m really good at
Being me.....
Adapting.
Pretending I am OK. Pretending I am a hard ass. Pretending that you can't hurt me....
Finding the shit you don't want me to know about. It's like some sick force that keeps on bringing out what I have had enough viewing of as it is... I do not need to see just how sick the people I have loved actually are. I have become aware of enough. The universe must stop revealing these things to me about people I am not physically and emotionally 'with' anymore. Let the new chicks in their lives discover their dark sides. I don't want nor need to see anymore. This just makes it more difficult to trust ANYONE ever again. Enough already. Plus, it makes me feel like shit that these new woman may not know what ugliness lies beneath these men's outward appearances. Which makes me feel guilty for not telling them, and I am sick and tired of worrying about people I don't even like or who are too stupid to bother looking into who the hell they are exposing their children to. Gawd. It is all so disheartening.
The first things people usually notice about me
That's a question better answered by the people meeting me.
You love me or you don't. You appreciate my truthfulness or you don't. You accept my kindness as real or you wait for me to fuck up. I am kind though. Far too kind.
Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.
Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: The Gunslinger (If you haven't read it then damn it... DO IT!) Harry Potter... all of them. I read Bird by Bird (Some Instructions on Writing and Life). It's worth every minute of reading. I am re-reading Stephen King's On Writing because damn it if that man hasn't had an interesting life.
I'm becoming obsessed with Charles Bukowski's work. I 'get' this mans brain. He makes sense to me. He was a pretty interesting creature as well! So I am finding what I love and letting it kill me.... sounds better than dating at this point.
Movies: Field Of Dreams. Possibly one of the greatest movies ever. Green Street Hooligans!!! John Cusack. The Piv. I am a movie addict. I cross all the lines in the genre department. I prefer to get a good laugh though and feel a connection to the characters. Spanglish is on my top 100 list. I really dig watching series too. Soprano's, Roseanne, Dead Like Me, Weeds, Dexter, True Blood, Being Human (BBC version. I LOVE BBC TV) etc.
Food: I like food. I hate food. I LOVE to feed people though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy!
Sushi and basic Japanese food rock my socks too.
I make the most amazing sandwiches.... I do. I swear. Ask anyone who's had one!!!
I seem to have lost my music here in OKC profile hell. I suppose this is a sign that my page is too full, but I can't win the 'Longest Profile Page' award if I delete anything, so here is a very short list: Modest Mouse, Pinback which has since been ruined by my ex's need to play them for his new chick far too often and that really pisses me off too. Old punk, old Police, hell most 80's music, Black Tide, Rebelution, Iration, Redbone, Bad Religion (#1 Fav), The Cramps, Postal Service, uh, crap, I should open my Spotify... AWOLNATION (LOVE), Macklemore (I'm gonna pop some tags...), older Ben Harper, Interpol, old G- Love and Special Sauce, and Alien Ant Farm. Hopefully this short list is versatile enough to get the point across. I like a lot of music from a lot of different sides of the music realm.
The six things I could never do without
1. My kids
2. Books. Many many books.
3. Music- Old Punk, 80's (being a child/Teen of that time), Iration, Rebelution, Black Tide, old Police etc.
4. Skin care stuff. I am obsessive about my skin.
5. Friends, although I have been doing without any face-to-face friends for a long time now, and it is killing me.
6. I am rediscovering art. I've missed it, so now I am trying to reconnect.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The struggle. Moving forward instead of being in limbo. Far easier to think than do.
Time and how fast it goes by and leaves us reeling in the aftermath of what we were too busy to notice...
Such as the time to give. I am not a quitter by nature, and it seems to be the bane of my existence.
...Why I think I will ever find someone with the will to move forward rather than sit in the same spot or live in the past. The past is fine to visit but the NOW is what the focus should be on, as the later will come either way...
Sheep. I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to see what the attraction is to being a sheep. It pains me to see this everywhere. It pains me to get bitched at by people on OKC about how I am not fitting into their idea of what a person on here should be. I don't want to be you, or her, or them. I CHOOSE ME. I'm special in a way most of you will never get to know because I see through you and I can't respect you although I can accept your choices as long as they don't touch me. I can respect you for being you but not for being anyone else. It's the one gift we all get. The choice to be ourselves. Why so many choose to be the status quo is beyond me but if it actually makes you happy, which is rare in my experience, than you go Boy or Girl or You. I can respect it if it is true and it makes you happy all the way through. I always prefer the company of an asshole who knows and accepts that this is who they are than a 'nice' person who is faking it. Why? Why bother? Just be real. You will find your people if you just stop wearing your masks or following the herd.
"To hold on to sanity too tight is insane. "
Pushing Tin
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing homework.
Watching netflix streaming. I am so out of good options. Even Korean soaps aren't cutting it anymore. Sigh...
Trying to tap into my creative side again. Dreaming of drawing, painting, sculpting and a plethora of other things I really wish I could afford to pursue.
Trying to ignore the fact that it is just another day- SSDD. Did I really once get excited for the weekend? I did. I remember it; barely.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a bit self-righteous. I work hard to be a decent person and I believe anyone who wants any kind of interaction with other persons ( that is a positive interaction) should also be willing to work hard for it... so, if you walk all over people or treat them like trash and piss and whine about it then I really have no sympathy for you. If you work hard for those relationships and piss and whine, then I can give you all the support you need for as long as it takes. Yep, I am self-righteous, but it is because in most cases you can be better and do a hell of a lot more. Life is one long work of art. Real art is made from blood, sweat and tears, and so life is too. So suck it if my belief that you can do and be more scares you or pisses you off.
I screw up... often. If I can lower my pride and admit my faults and if it can't be forgiven then I suppose I don't need people like that in my life. I'm big on forgiveness. It's truly one of the hardest things to give another person. It's also hard to find people that can give that back. Life is strange.
437737 And sometimes cruel as well... you get over a good portion of it though, but I'm just not sure I have any gas left to burn at this point.
This trait sucks. It's gets you a lot of wasted time. It makes you question yourself. I don't like that. I prefer not to question myself but I seem to do it often.
I was homeless for 3 years right out of high school. Real homeless. Hungry, cold, no where to go homeless. Think Suburbia. Penelope Spheeris version. I could relate to that movie in ways you can't imagine. I even knew a few of the 'actors'. You may notice Flea, from The Red Hot Chili Peppers in it; he was Rat Boy to us back in those days. Him and that damn rat.
I've experienced my first true deep dark depression this last year. It's a scary place and I wish it upon no one.
UPDATE: I almost feel for a guy. Someone I have 'known' online for many many years. He hurt me. Indifference and words with zero actions or promises with zero actions are not being kind to a person. BE REAL IN ALL YOUR FAULTS AND GLORIES. BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It's the only possible way to ever truly have a shot at a happy relationship. WORD.
Is that all private enough for you?
You should message me if
UPDATE: Still not a potential mate, as I have zero faith in love at this point. Love your kids and be well. That's my advice for you.
If you are a Gym Rat then PLEASE, I beg of you... pass on by. I am not interested. Being fit is fine, but I would rather have a fat happy guy than a fit sociopath any day, and there seems to be a connection with people obsessed with one particular thing and neuroticism. Be it the gym or YoVille... there is a connection and I have no desire to get near that EVER again. I have had far too many Neurotics in my life in the last couple decades, thank you very much.
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]
An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude
DON'T IM me saying I'm sexy, you want to meet me in person, you want to make out with me or any other ridiculous thing that you might say to a potential mate... I AM NOT A POTENTIAL MATE. If I ever am I will make it known. If you're in the mood to fight or just ruffle someones feathers I can hold my own but will most likely just not bother to waste the energy. Well, that is unless the subject interests me.
And BTW... Just a little advice from a Woman to a Man....
You ready??????? You sure? Mkay.....
STOP USING PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITH SUNGLASSES ON AS YOUR PROFILE PIC. Period. Got that?
You don't look sexy, you look like you are hiding something. You look like you don't have any confidence in yourself. You look CREEPY.
Update: I am adding here for me personally, those damn shots of you nekkid, baring your abs, flexing, hanging out with cheerleaders or Hooters girls, laying in your bed, or looking stern... they make my skin crawl. If you find a woman that thinks any of these things makes you more of a man than you deserve her and all the shit she is going to bring you. True story. Same with the woman. If you are choosing your chicks based on various shots of tits, ass, abs etcetera, then yeah, you get what you choose there Boys. This being a woman lacking inner strength or a broken soul. A narcissist. A little girl with Daddy issues. Have fun with that; not a ride anyone will enjoy in the end. Trust me on this one too!
I don't trust a woman with no eyebrows or a man who won't take his sunglasses off and I never gamble next to an Asian older woman. The men are lucky... the woman suck you dry. I assume that they are literally consuming all the luck you may have had before they sat down next to you. It's weird. I wonder how they do that. Really wish I knew how to do that myself....
So anyway, back to my point.... "The eyes are the windows to the soul...." So stop that sunglasses thing guys!
Meh. I probably won't reply either way so don't take it personal. You should see me try to interact in person.... it's really just painful.
You're John Cusack....
You're Michael Socha (Being Human BBC. I LOVE BBC)
I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process. < WORD!!!
John Cusack
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
What we need to face to save the human race in today's climate.
There are a lot of depression stories being written these days, which is great but the one thing I see is that near all of them blame addiction and or mental instability on its cause. At what point will they begin to write about the depression created when all hope is lost? When the struggle to survive in a world full of selfish ignorant people is killing the souls of so many? When it is our surroundings and the lack of support from friends, family, the system that is leaving some of us with the desire to just stop suffering, which equates to battling depression NOT caused by addiction or mental illness. WHEN? It needs to begin now. We can't wait decades for people to wake up and address this issue for more than a mental health and addiction issue and we need options. I don't WANT to die, but I want the pain and suffering to end because there will be no hand to come help pull me up and out. So what is the point? When food is beyond reach and you haven't felt a human touch in ages and no matter how vocal you are or how quiet you are, no one notices how real the situation is for you then escaping it is all that is left. But the disappointment in humanity is by far the most painful thing to face.
There has been help. Bits and pieces that sustain for a few days, but imagine suffering from severe dehydration and only being offered a drop of water each hour, and only when you do something humiliating or degrading. Imagine how if you could just get a cup an hour or a jug a day how you would have a chance to regain strength rather than just sustaining the suffering. You would be grateful for that drop within reason but you can only ride that for so long, eventually you all about the reality and how to make it end.
This is like why I cut. When I can't breathe anymore. When the rattle in my chest makes my entire being tremble. When all I hear is end it, I cut, because it is like suffocating with a plastic bag over ones head. In that last few moment of total panic and then you or someone cuts a hole in the bag. That is what cutting does. It sends that whoosh of oxygen that feeds the brain and begins to calm everything else.
So, there is my share of the day, or so far. Maybe it will help someone else understand someone they couldn't relate to originally. Maybe not. I'm sharing it anyway. I want to leave something even if some people call it 'playing the victim.' They can go fuck themselves. They should go look in the mirror. They should stop pointing and shouting and start observing, quietly. You learn so much when you shut up and watch. <3
Sunday, September 7, 2014
WTF?
So we will most likely lose our internet any moment now. This will be the last straw of a long line of them. This will destroy my last hope of getting out of here or survival at all since it will mean losing my financial aid check in October because all my classes are online and we don't have a Starbucks up in the hills. My car has blown a tire as well and we have roughly $20 for the next 5 weeks to boot. If my ex takes my son then I am outta here. So its been peachy. Have a great life and try not to fuck it up by taking advantage of all the people who care that are around you and all the things you have that some people would kill for, k? Oh, and leave the assholes who keep stringing you along with their empty promises and such. You're worth more than that and you don't want to figure out the way I did.
Peace... Micho out.
Peace... Micho out.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)