Tonight we all share the amazing 'Blue Moon.' How very small we all are, dontcha think??
Friday, July 31, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
The Trouble with T-Mobil, Texting, and Rural Life.
If people only understood and appreciated how much mental and physical work goes into the sending of a text by me they might be nicer and feel a wee bit more special. So, here is a typical attempt to send a reply. I went on for another minute of hitting 'send' before it finally hit a sweet spot long enough to transfer. Can you see me standing on my bed and going to every corner and level within reach? It's actually worse outside. Go figure.
All I can say to y'all is stop taking everything for granted.
Kae Sun - Ship And The Globe - My Death Song (I think)
My death song.
I hear this non-stop in my sleep.
I wake up to it.
It's background music in my dreams.
It makes me happy and sad, yet it's comforting.
So, I'm thinkin' it's 'the song.'
This video is from the K-Drama I love the most and stars my dream crush, Jo In Sung, who is the Asian version of a man I loved but lost touch with about 16 years ago. Oddly his name was Joe too and the water skiing scene is like actually seeing him again for me, which is really nice.
Since watching these foreign shows and movies is truly what has kept me alive and gotten me through each fucking soul killing minute of the last year or so, it seemed appropriate to use this video rather than the artists video, which for me personally, loses a lot without the connections this one has. Since this blog is basically a diary at this point, for my kids to read someday if they really want to know the ugly bits and pieces; I figured it was important to share more than my pleadings and pain, disappointment, anger and fear, mental break downs, epiphanies, and basic spiral into insanity. This is actually sharing something more personal to me.That may sound crazy but all the ugly painful stuff and soul crushing crap is just my life now. It doesn't at all seem intimate anymore. And since I have pleaded from the mountaintops to the ends of the earth and lost all pride and dignity ages ago, to no avail, I might add, they've all become nothing more than the droning of my minds desperation.
I wonder what happened to Joe? Too bad he has the absolute most basic of Hispanic names, Jose Luis Garcia. I mean, come ooooon! LOL! And my own name at the time being Michele Powell is a Google search joke! We'd never find one another, even with all today's technology. I can't even remember his birthday, but he was a Gemini and it was in June or July 1967-1970 (somewhere in there). We lived in Vista in North County San Diego and he had a son named Taylor (Tyler? No, Taylor) who would be somewhere around 21 now. Sonja (Sonia?) was Taylor's mom but she moved out of state with him around 2000 I believe. Anyway, we worked at Albertsons together for awhile in Vista, then he worked for a moving company in Oceanside. Graebel movers? Anyway, I always wonder how he is and how Taylor grew up. I hope they are well and happy.
I'd kill to be back in that time slot of 1997 or so. I've pretty much pin-pointed the shifting of my life from normal-ish manageable chaos to slowly working up momentum and spiraling out of control chaos, to mid 1997. Right before my back injury, and meeting my last husband, trading in my car, losing my job, losing my house, moving on base... and meeting P. and his then crazy ass cheating wife who ended up not being as crazy as everyone thought as I now know in spades.
See people, this is why character is so important. You can't sleep with 3 men at one time (excluding the husband) and then cry wolf to people about how your husband is not what he seems. God damn it if I had just known better though... We have our whole life to redeem ourselves for our bad doings but we can't ever go back and make it right, and that sucks. I know from experience on both sides of the moral coin. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I learned a lot from my mistakes and that is the best kind of redemption; to learn enough to not do it again. In fact, I learned too much and took too much to heart and carried way too much guilt. It's a huge reason why I stayed by P.'s side for 14 years and another year under the same roof making sure all his bills got paid and crap, like a good little wifey. All while getting the joys of listening to him fuck his cheating (on her husband) girlfriend in my old bed and walking in on them not once but twice having oral sex in my living-room... gawd, can't you just hear the howling of my dying dignity?? You'd be amazed what people can put up with to keep a roof over their kids head or their own head.
Sigh...
That went a bit off course.
O.K.
WAY OFF COURSE.
So here is the video and song.
BTW, It isn't as morbid as you might think to have a death song. Something comforting to listen to on the way out? How is that a bad thing?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
2 YEARS AGO. I GUESS I WAS WAKING UP.
HARD TO BELIEVE I WROTE THIS POST ONE MONTH SHORT OF TWO YEARS AGO. IT SEEMS LIKE DECADES. EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE THINGS GOT WORSE, TO LEVELS EVEN I COULD NOT IMAGE. YET I AM STILL BREATHING, FOR NOW.
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:
My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why. A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.
Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3
Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:
My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why. A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.
Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3
Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM
A Fond Farewell - Elliott Smith
"A Fond Farewell"
The Litebrite's now black and white
'Cos you took apart a picture that wasn't right
Pitch burning on a shining sheet
The only maker that you want to meet
A dying man in a living room
Whose shadow paces the floor
Who'll take you out in the open door
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend
He said really I just want to dance
Good and evil match perfect, it's a great romance
And I can deal with some psychic pain
If it'll slow down my higher brain
Veins full of disappearing ink
Vomiting in your kitchen sink
Disconnecting from the missing link
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
I'ts just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend
I see you're leaving me
And taking up with the enemy
The cold comfort of the in-between
A little less than a human being
A little less than a happy high
A little less than a suicide
The only things that you really tried
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Who couldn't get things right
A fond farewell to a friend
This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
Public Image Ltd - Disappointed
Sounds to me like Johnny and I have something in common besides a punk history...
Disappointed Lyrics
from 9
Public Image Limited - lyrics 9 Other Album Songs
1 Disappointed
"Disappointed" is track #1 on the album 9. It was written by John Mcgeoch;stephen Eric Hague;alan Dias;lou Edmonds;john Lydon;bruce Smith.
What friends are for?
What friends are for?
What friends are for?
What friends are for?
What friends are for?
What friends are for?
Promises, promises
Old tired, worn out second hand sentences
One thing, with you is certain
You're a really sad person, so sad
Disappointed a few people
When friendship reared its ugly head
Disappointed a few people
Well, isn't that what friends are for?
(What friends are for?)
What friends are for?
(What friends are for?)
What are friends for?
You, you're just a really bad person
Who won't, you won't, listen to anyone
No not you, with those half moon eyelids
Just babbling on, your useless defenses, so sad
Disappointed a few people
When friendship reared its ugly head
Disappointed a few people
Well, isn't that what friends are for?
(What friends are for?)
What friends are for?
(What friends are for?)
What are friends for?
This erratic haphazard, fluttering
This toing and frowing, like a confused moth
The collusion, illusion, it's all ad infinitum
You're a really sad person, you're really so sad
Disappointed a few people
When friendship reared its ugly head
Disappointed a few people
Well, isn't that what friends are for?
(What friends are for?)
What friends are for?
(What friends are for?)
What are friends for?
Fools and horses
Running their courses
And brow beaten down
Like dust on the ground
You cheat easily, like sweet charity
And all of the bastards, the world despises
Springing surprises in newer disguises
You cheat easily, like all charity
Fools and horses
Running their courses
And brow beaten down
Like dust on the ground
You cheat easily like sweet charity
And all of the bastards, the world despises
Springing surprises in newer disguises
You cheat easily, like all charity
Fools and horses
Running their courses
And brow beaten down
Like dust on the ground
You cheat easily like sweet charity
Songwriters
John Mcgeoch;Stephen Eric Hague;Alan Dias;Lou Edmonds;John Lydon;Bruce Smith
Published by
MCA MUSIC PUBLISHING;CUT MUSIC;EMI VIRGIN MUSIC, INC
Read more: Public Image Limited - Disappointed Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Paul Simon - American Tune (1975)
Hard to believe these songs are 4 plus decades old yet they embrace the weariness of today's world so well.
American Tune
Many’s the time I’ve been mistaken
And many times confused
Yes, and I’ve often felt forsaken
And certainly misused
Oh, but I’m all right, I’m all right
I’m just weary to my bones
Still, you don’t expect to be
Bright and bon vivant
So far away from home, so far away from home
I don’t know a soul who’s not been battered
I don’t have a friend who feels at ease
I don’t know a dream that’s not been shattered
Or driven to its knees
Oh, but it’s all right, it’s all right
For lived so well so long
Still, when I think of the road
We’re traveling on
I wonder what went wrong
I can’t help it, I wonder what’s gone wrong
And I dreamed I was dying
And I dreamed that my soul rose unexpectedly
And looking back down at me
Smiled reassuringly
And I dreamed I was flying
And high above my eyes could clearly see
The Statue of Liberty
Sailing away to sea
And I dreamed I was flying
Oh, we come on the ship they call the Mayflower
We come on the ship that sailed the moon
We come in the age’s most uncertain hour
And sing an American tune
Oh, it’s all right, it’s all right
It’s all right, it’s all right
You can’t be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow’s going to be another working day
And I’m trying to get some rest
That’s all I’m trying to get some rest
© 1973 Words and Music by Paul Simon
Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (original version)
I had no idea this song was about the things it expresses. How many decades has this played in elevators, casinos, sad hole-in-the-wall bars, airports and on and on????
Life is disappointing. People are disappointing. Naturally.
Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics
"Alone Again (naturally)" was written by O'sullivan, Gilbert.
In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch, at a church
Where people are saying
My God that's tough, she stood him up
No point in us remaining
May as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally
To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed
Alone again, naturally
It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?
Alone again naturally
Now looking back over the years
And what ever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty five years old
My mother, God rest her soul
Couldn't understand, why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart
So badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally
Songwriters
O'Sullivan, Gilbert
Published by
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC
Read more: Gilbert Osullivan - Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics | MetroLyrics
Saturday, July 25, 2015
F**k It
WHY NOT? EVERYONE ELSE DOES IT. NOW IF I CAN JUST GET MY BRAIN TO FOLLOW AND MY HEART TO ICE-OVER...
Friday, July 24, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Epic Road Trips Map By American Authors
http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-obsessively-detailed-map-of-american-literatures-most-epic-road-trips
The only 'dream' I have left anymore is the 'road trip' dream. In reality, it's just another escape method since it's actually living in a car. but being on a road trip sounds a hell of lot less dark. Dontcha think? Plus, I still haven't been anywhere or seen anything. 2/3 of my life is over and I have nothing but life/family/people based experiences. What I mean is that I haven't done any dreamer, youth, fantasy-like stuff in my life. I never even made it to prom. Hell, I was married 3 times and not one of those weddings had anything to do with my desires. Not. One.
LOL! Too fucking funny.
I figure it would take a vehicle I could lay flat on my back in (Station wagon? Truck bed?) due to my spinal issues, a decent camera and maybe a recorder as well, gas and food cash and prepaid car insurance for a chunk of time. Oh shit, and a cd player. OMG! I want to listen to music I choose so badly! LOL! Anyway, the rest you figure out in the process. It's much more difficult to prepare (even just in your mind) when you are going it alone. Alone, middle-aged and female with no resources to turn to at all; that's what makes it more difficult since there is no one to rely on to help trouble-shoot and no one to advocate for you either. Actually, that just described most of my life's challenges, so maybe not as daunting as it seems.
Hmmmm...
Anyway, this is a pretty cool map to check out if you dream of escaping as well!!
XO
Saturday, July 18, 2015
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
I made one little Facebook "(My Name Here)- is" post ...
I made one little Facebook "(My Name Here)- is" post and after that sentence was written all this came out in a comment. Yesterday was seriously tough, now that I have two parents expressing the burden that my fate has made of me and that I have always been, even when I didn't exist in their life for years. I seem to have all this power that only they can see and it only hurts them as well. It's weird, but if I could really control basically everything from lost false teeth (Mom) to the loss of ones house due to non-payment (Dad, over the 16 years we didn't speak. I am powerful. ) to the loss of ones ability to do anything for themselves anymore (My moms newest thing to blame on me) or their drinking habits (still mom), or their electric usage (more mom) or their choices to take loan after loan out to fix a car that isn't worth the first loan and still doesn't run $12,000 in loans later (and more mom), than you would think I could get the fuck out of this mess and away from these people. I mean you can only blame someone else for so much when they literally either are not in your life at all or they have zero control while you hold ALL the control. It's like being an animal basically, but one no one wants. Easy to abuse.
This addresses the last three years and a lot of what yesterday showed me about my father and not just my mother.
(The Facebook post is excluded for personal reasons. Considering that I spill my darkest side here, I bet that REALLY has you wondering what I started out writing? Not telling; let the mystery die with me. I know, I am mean.)
...And tired of being tired and all out of positives to pretend the negatives aren't so bad. And feeling guilty is old too, as is thinking non-stop and running into walls. I literally think about things like banging my face into the wall, or the mirror or punching myself so I have some visual external evidence of what it feels like internally since there is zero acknowledgement that I am human anymore and feel pain and have emotions.
LOL.
Not joking but there is a certain amount of humor in the process of losing ones sanity/grip, dontcha think? It starts out kind of chaotic and messy then there is a sweet spot that is rather beautiful where you gain a whole lot of wisdom no one gets or cares about except you and then you hit where I am now, which is really reverting back to early childhood when you would do anything to be seen and heard before you give up and let go of everything you have learned about 'controlling ones self,' and you fall to floor and let go of every bit of composure and obedience drilled into to you up to that point... and you scream and yell and plead and (as an adult reverting back) reason, until you just stop and realize the facts. They don't care. They will never care. You were not born to them for any other purpose than to fill a void momentarily or as a tool to manipulate or as in my case both. As soon as you became a liability or a burden, or too tall and skinny and gawky to take anywhere, or too independent or too broken or just 'in the way,' etc etc, you seize to exist. When you can no longer serve their purposes or be there for them in just exactly the way they demand YOU BECOME WORTHLESS. NOTHING and the new villain in their stories. Even in nothingness they find a way to abuse your memory. And even with all that you tell them that you love them and ask them if they love you at all? Screaming, begging for an answer only to get "I suppose if I dig deep enough..." and then the awesome throw back of "I know it's all my fault. Everything is my fault." Because the answer to that is, "Yes, it is your fault for not growing up and for having a child you had no intention of caring for and for being a selfish shithead of a parent," but instead you reply the same shit we all say, "Did I say that? No, I didn't say that. YOU said that." And the message never gets through and nothing is ever resolved and you lay there exhausted and wet from sweat and tears and blood and no one else notices or cares.
I swear someday I will find access to tools to record this shit to prove I am not making it up. Of course I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone but I've been forced to do it my entire life so why not now? At least this is to support my words rather than prove my innocence. Or maybe this is the programmed me thinking I should do what I have been doing to defend myself? Yes, true. But, also, this is the kind of shit people never believe really happens or is said in reality. The insanity of some of it could be quite comical if it weren't me being the target, or any human being or feeling thing.
Yeah.
This addresses the last three years and a lot of what yesterday showed me about my father and not just my mother.
(The Facebook post is excluded for personal reasons. Considering that I spill my darkest side here, I bet that REALLY has you wondering what I started out writing? Not telling; let the mystery die with me. I know, I am mean.)
...And tired of being tired and all out of positives to pretend the negatives aren't so bad. And feeling guilty is old too, as is thinking non-stop and running into walls. I literally think about things like banging my face into the wall, or the mirror or punching myself so I have some visual external evidence of what it feels like internally since there is zero acknowledgement that I am human anymore and feel pain and have emotions.
LOL.
Not joking but there is a certain amount of humor in the process of losing ones sanity/grip, dontcha think? It starts out kind of chaotic and messy then there is a sweet spot that is rather beautiful where you gain a whole lot of wisdom no one gets or cares about except you and then you hit where I am now, which is really reverting back to early childhood when you would do anything to be seen and heard before you give up and let go of everything you have learned about 'controlling ones self,' and you fall to floor and let go of every bit of composure and obedience drilled into to you up to that point... and you scream and yell and plead and (as an adult reverting back) reason, until you just stop and realize the facts. They don't care. They will never care. You were not born to them for any other purpose than to fill a void momentarily or as a tool to manipulate or as in my case both. As soon as you became a liability or a burden, or too tall and skinny and gawky to take anywhere, or too independent or too broken or just 'in the way,' etc etc, you seize to exist. When you can no longer serve their purposes or be there for them in just exactly the way they demand YOU BECOME WORTHLESS. NOTHING and the new villain in their stories. Even in nothingness they find a way to abuse your memory. And even with all that you tell them that you love them and ask them if they love you at all? Screaming, begging for an answer only to get "I suppose if I dig deep enough..." and then the awesome throw back of "I know it's all my fault. Everything is my fault." Because the answer to that is, "Yes, it is your fault for not growing up and for having a child you had no intention of caring for and for being a selfish shithead of a parent," but instead you reply the same shit we all say, "Did I say that? No, I didn't say that. YOU said that." And the message never gets through and nothing is ever resolved and you lay there exhausted and wet from sweat and tears and blood and no one else notices or cares.
I swear someday I will find access to tools to record this shit to prove I am not making it up. Of course I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone but I've been forced to do it my entire life so why not now? At least this is to support my words rather than prove my innocence. Or maybe this is the programmed me thinking I should do what I have been doing to defend myself? Yes, true. But, also, this is the kind of shit people never believe really happens or is said in reality. The insanity of some of it could be quite comical if it weren't me being the target, or any human being or feeling thing.
Yeah.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
I have a fucking brilliant mind that no one will ever appreciate. That makes me so sad. Your loss.
(Disclaimer: This shit is mine. You don't get to steal it from me. My dream(s), my brain, my mind, my work, my writing(s), My blog. I have no problem suing because people with no life have all the time in the world. I'm just sayin'...)
Please now, move on to the good stuff:
So I had this dream last night... kind of super creepy, yet broken down it loses some of the creepy for more expected, if your mind has more depth than the average sheep.
Background info is that as I tried to pass out I was contemplating whether the universe or Gods or whateverthefuck is pissed off I am still alive and therefore doing all 'it/they' can to make me kill myself (Think Final Destination-ish) or if 'it/they' just truly want to keep all levels of happy, joy, hope and feeling good from me for some damn unexplained reason. Then I passed out...
So I am walking over a bridge, everything is in tones of gray, and bluish grays. I am walking behind someone else who also happens to be me but not me. I am two different people. This fantastically joyous happy song suddenly starts playing and the me in back says to the person/me in front (as I skip I say this), "I killed your dad to this song. It's an awesome song."
LOL Yeah, ya with me still? Okay... moving on....
So the front me starts to freak a little, but not too much or as would be expected in such a situation, but starts moving faster, so now we are both on a hilly knoll type area and the front me asks "where did you put the body?" And the back me suddenly wonders the same thing... and then we both see it...
LOL
The body is in pieces in torn trash bags within a big rose bush. The head is clearly visible and such but the body is not of human flesh but rather it is more of a blackish solid gel material. No features or hair or anything but more like a mold of a human, dismembered, made of blackish solid gel.
Ya all with me still???
It seems that I killed the darkness, or most of it. I killed that which had been stealing my joy. I dismembered that bitch like a gangster. And I did it to the happiest song I had ever heard.
Then I suddenly woke up slightly panicked. And that was it.
So, there you go.
Feel free to analyze.
I should make a short film of this dream. If you had the added visual and music you would SO GET IT and the creepy would totally come through as well as the "ah ha" moment. The coloring was a bit like watching "The Grudge."
Now if I can just make sense of the "I killed your Dad to this song" part. I'm working on that theory. Actually, I had it when I originally awoke but I lost that memory so now I have to find it... The other me was the darkness we all have that is normal and necessary to live. The dead dad was the evil darkness that is not a natural part of life but a part set to destroy.
I wish this dream was real.
Please now, move on to the good stuff:
So I had this dream last night... kind of super creepy, yet broken down it loses some of the creepy for more expected, if your mind has more depth than the average sheep.
Background info is that as I tried to pass out I was contemplating whether the universe or Gods or whateverthefuck is pissed off I am still alive and therefore doing all 'it/they' can to make me kill myself (Think Final Destination-ish) or if 'it/they' just truly want to keep all levels of happy, joy, hope and feeling good from me for some damn unexplained reason. Then I passed out...
So I am walking over a bridge, everything is in tones of gray, and bluish grays. I am walking behind someone else who also happens to be me but not me. I am two different people. This fantastically joyous happy song suddenly starts playing and the me in back says to the person/me in front (as I skip I say this), "I killed your dad to this song. It's an awesome song."
LOL Yeah, ya with me still? Okay... moving on....
So the front me starts to freak a little, but not too much or as would be expected in such a situation, but starts moving faster, so now we are both on a hilly knoll type area and the front me asks "where did you put the body?" And the back me suddenly wonders the same thing... and then we both see it...
LOL
The body is in pieces in torn trash bags within a big rose bush. The head is clearly visible and such but the body is not of human flesh but rather it is more of a blackish solid gel material. No features or hair or anything but more like a mold of a human, dismembered, made of blackish solid gel.
Ya all with me still???
It seems that I killed the darkness, or most of it. I killed that which had been stealing my joy. I dismembered that bitch like a gangster. And I did it to the happiest song I had ever heard.
Then I suddenly woke up slightly panicked. And that was it.
So, there you go.
Feel free to analyze.
I should make a short film of this dream. If you had the added visual and music you would SO GET IT and the creepy would totally come through as well as the "ah ha" moment. The coloring was a bit like watching "The Grudge."
Now if I can just make sense of the "I killed your Dad to this song" part. I'm working on that theory. Actually, I had it when I originally awoke but I lost that memory so now I have to find it... The other me was the darkness we all have that is normal and necessary to live. The dead dad was the evil darkness that is not a natural part of life but a part set to destroy.
I wish this dream was real.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
I Love My Kids and Protecting Them Is Part of My Job
See, this is why I worry about my son so much. It's what most people don't understand. I have seen the aggression from strangers who 'think' they know what or why my son has done, said or is doing something yet they have been totally wrong. People with AS get internally anxiety ridden as the norm in their day to day life. How that shows on the outside is often irritable or angry and such. I've watched a full grown man accost my son in the elevator at his doctors office for acting annoyed when the guy got too close on the elevator. I worry every day that at some point my son will be hurt and I won't be able to help or get to him, yet people want to tell me to disconnect. They have no idea what that feels like...
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/07/07/teen-with-aspergers-allegedly-beaten-by-strangers-wants-suspects-to-learn-from/
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/07/07/teen-with-aspergers-allegedly-beaten-by-strangers-wants-suspects-to-learn-from/
Susan Moffatt added 3 new photos — with Jonathan Moffatt.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Sometimes the only option is to improvise!!!
Being poe' requires creativity sometimes. I'm getting low on food but I have add water only pancake mix but no stove top to make then on, but then I thought that I do have a panini maker. So wha la! Kinda comes out like pancake fries!
Hey Girl! Where You Hidin'?
I do so miss her but I'd like to be a mix of her with the knowledge I have gained.
I saw this in a FB post and it was pretty spot-on.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
Glen Hansard - "Winning Streak"
My hopes and wishes to you.
"Winning Streak"
Through summers long and winters cold
May you always have someone good to hold
May good fortune weigh on you every day
And may your winning streak never end
Roll the dice, boy 'cause my money is on you
Take my advice now, put your money down too
Because there's something in you that I just can't pretend
And may your winning streak never end
And may the sign of the southern cross
Be some comfort to you when you're lost
And may the devil's evil evil eye
Pass you by
Well it's not for glory, I tell you true
That I do these things that I do for you
For a promise I may not much defend
And may your winning streak never end
For a promise I may not much defend
But may your winning streak never end
And may the sign of the cross be some comfort when you're lost
And help you when you're all broke down
May the spirit of St. Christopher turn you around
And may the devil's evil eye pass you right by
Don't you look back my friend
And may the sisters of good charity take you in
Through summers long and winters cold
May you always have someone good to hold
May good fortune be your constant and a loyal friend
And may your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
"Winning Streak"
Through summers long and winters cold
May you always have someone good to hold
May good fortune weigh on you every day
And may your winning streak never end
Roll the dice, boy 'cause my money is on you
Take my advice now, put your money down too
Because there's something in you that I just can't pretend
And may your winning streak never end
And may the sign of the southern cross
Be some comfort to you when you're lost
And may the devil's evil evil eye
Pass you by
Well it's not for glory, I tell you true
That I do these things that I do for you
For a promise I may not much defend
And may your winning streak never end
For a promise I may not much defend
But may your winning streak never end
And may the sign of the cross be some comfort when you're lost
And help you when you're all broke down
May the spirit of St. Christopher turn you around
And may the devil's evil eye pass you right by
Don't you look back my friend
And may the sisters of good charity take you in
Through summers long and winters cold
May you always have someone good to hold
May good fortune be your constant and a loyal friend
And may your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
May your winning streak never end
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