Friday, January 31, 2014
Where Did She Go?
I have been pondering the space between myself and my daughter a lot lately. Her lack of concern or interest has really cut me deeply. I am ridiculously thrilled that her life is going so well, but I don't know who she is anymore. She is a stranger to me. I only know of the things involving her life anymore because of Facebook posts. She doesn't even bother to tell me when things are going on. It hurts like the deepest cuts that don't heal. She offers no help, and seems to have forgotten that I have never not been there for her. That I gave her everything I could, emotionally, physically and materially and she used to appreciate that. She is becoming her father. Disconnected from anything not in her immediate view, even me and her brother.
What I fear is that she has forgotten that the good things often don't last. That at any moment her own life can go spiraling out of control, like my own has, and then what? Will I be expected to be there? What if I am not? What if I don't make it through all this? Will she do as her father did and use drink and yelling as a coping mechanism? I did not bring her up that way. I did not bring her up the way she is today. She breaks my heart with every plea she ignores. With every act that mimics that of the sheep and the weak and the masked. Is she losing her individualism? Is she clinging to that which she knows is the path of most comfort? Should I want her to do that? Should I prefer her to be less human to have more things? It's a crappy thing to be forced to analyze. As a parent I want her to have it all, within reason, but not if it means becoming another sheep in the herd and another person who ignores the ills and wrongs of this world and it's people.
I would die for her in an instant. That is a fact. That will never change, but does that matter to her anymore? Do I matter to her anymore? Does her brother? Are we just void or annoyances to be pushed aside for boys and school and work? Did I not give her the opportunities and sense of self to be both empathetic and successful? Where did I fail? Or, was her fathers life that impressive that the 20 years before that just means nothing to her today? Her friends from school have shown me more compassion than she has of late. Her friends have sent us money, have shared their love and she just ceases to be unless she needs information from me or a favor. And no, I have not asked her for help. I should never have to ask her for the obvious. Ever. If the fact that we are without food does not affect her then I suppose it is all lost. And that is the hardest blow of all. The reality of the situation. The hard cold fact. She doesn't care. I have lost her to the world and it's masks and witticisms. Buck it up and smile and everything will be peachy, right? Well I can tell you this, that is bullshit in some cases. That is crap spewed by those that fear how my reality could be theirs at any moment and they just might not have the balls to survive it. I am feared because I am marked by the hard cold reality of what could be you. All it takes is one moment, one bad choice, one other persons selfish desire and it all can suddenly equate to crawling in the rubble of what was once a life...
What I fear is that she has forgotten that the good things often don't last. That at any moment her own life can go spiraling out of control, like my own has, and then what? Will I be expected to be there? What if I am not? What if I don't make it through all this? Will she do as her father did and use drink and yelling as a coping mechanism? I did not bring her up that way. I did not bring her up the way she is today. She breaks my heart with every plea she ignores. With every act that mimics that of the sheep and the weak and the masked. Is she losing her individualism? Is she clinging to that which she knows is the path of most comfort? Should I want her to do that? Should I prefer her to be less human to have more things? It's a crappy thing to be forced to analyze. As a parent I want her to have it all, within reason, but not if it means becoming another sheep in the herd and another person who ignores the ills and wrongs of this world and it's people.
I would die for her in an instant. That is a fact. That will never change, but does that matter to her anymore? Do I matter to her anymore? Does her brother? Are we just void or annoyances to be pushed aside for boys and school and work? Did I not give her the opportunities and sense of self to be both empathetic and successful? Where did I fail? Or, was her fathers life that impressive that the 20 years before that just means nothing to her today? Her friends from school have shown me more compassion than she has of late. Her friends have sent us money, have shared their love and she just ceases to be unless she needs information from me or a favor. And no, I have not asked her for help. I should never have to ask her for the obvious. Ever. If the fact that we are without food does not affect her then I suppose it is all lost. And that is the hardest blow of all. The reality of the situation. The hard cold fact. She doesn't care. I have lost her to the world and it's masks and witticisms. Buck it up and smile and everything will be peachy, right? Well I can tell you this, that is bullshit in some cases. That is crap spewed by those that fear how my reality could be theirs at any moment and they just might not have the balls to survive it. I am feared because I am marked by the hard cold reality of what could be you. All it takes is one moment, one bad choice, one other persons selfish desire and it all can suddenly equate to crawling in the rubble of what was once a life...
Productivity OR Fighting the Curse 'Till I Can't Fight No Moe'
Yesterday I was productive. It felt good, but not fulfilling. Fulfilling comes from completion, and nothing seems to ever be completed anymore. There is a constant floating in the void waiting for the next hit and trying to predetermine where and how it is going to affect me and my sons life. It seems to be on a fuck and fucked and fucked even harder roll these days.
He was denied his unemployment, but not for any of the obvious reasons. That there is where the curse shows its mark. Every bad thing we have experienced in the past 3 months has had a VERY CLEAR mark of irony to it. A 'how is this possible?' streak is clearly running through our every move. I almost fear writing it out. That is why most of my posts of late have been these got damn picture quotes. I am expressing without actually marking anything myself. I feel tainted and that I have tainted my son as well.
There has been so much resistance coming from the powers that be or the universe or the Gods or if there is anything controlling the chaos that is this life. So much Murphy's Law that I am beginning to see a face to the damn title. Fuuuuck.
So, what has this last week entailed? Short but sweet.
My sons EDD showed as released for his 6 week backup of checks, so all week we waited for them to show up on his EDD card, to no avail. Wednesday in the mail he received three blank receipts for the 6 weeks all with a $0 for each week and yesterday he received his denial letter. Is anyone else seeing how FUCKED UP the order of that process is? They make these poor, and mean starving poor people believe that they are FINALLY getting their EDD funds only to wait for a week and get letters with zero's on them AND THEN after that they get the denial letter. In turn that has to be appealed, which is another 30 days or so. In our case, the reason for denial is so anger inducing, so got damn illogical and such total bullshit and false information from the person who interviewed my son, as I was sitting right next to him while he spoke to her. I could hear her and him. She LIED. Flatout claimed that my son said 'that he refused to make himself available for work.' THIS is what he argued with her about. She kept trying to coerce him into saying that he wouldn't or couldn't work, and he kept telling her, "No! That is NOT what I just said at all!" Is this the new method now. To just throw away those in need who have paid for the service of this money by working in the past? To lie. Seriously, to just flat out alter facts? Anyway, the appeal is in the damn mail.
We had three vehicles up here. Mine, that died the day we got here. My mom's car and my mom's truck that gets 8 miles per gallon and is what we drive when we can scrape together the money for the gas and such. Basically, we drive to the post office and Circle-K and that completes our life for now. Anyway, the truck is raised... like HIGH raised, which is why the gas mileage is so bad but I digress... anyway, it has a flat. A flat on a raised truck is a truly sad sight to see. It is expensive to fix as well. To the tune of about $300 a tire on a really good day. And to add to the drama, my mothers cars 'check engine light' has decided to come on as well. So 3 vehicles and nothing to drive. AWESOME. OK my moms car can be driven but only in emergencies or if necessary. It is small and a stick and as much as I am a stick chick, my damaged left foot and calf and my spine cannot take the strain of her vehicle. Holding the clutch in with a foot that has lost a muscle and only has partial feeling AND spasms all the time everyday isn't really super safe. LOL.
Oh! And my Financial Aid SAP Appeal was finally accepted, two days too late to a) disburse on time and b) before I was forced to dump half my units due to lack of materials like books and online 'keys' and an evil fucking inhumane instructor. So I won't get anything until mid February and it will be roughly 1/4 of what it should have been as well. Basically, I got FUCKED by the school systems lack of proper procedure. When you add that I lost my food stamps BECAUSE of school as well it is just fucking comical. This is my proof of being cursed or marked or something much bigger fucking with me. You can not write this shit. You can not make this shit up and you can not ignore the sheer magnitude or the improbability of ALL THIS SHIT happening to the the same people/person NONSTOP. Statistically, this is just not probable...
There is more but my brain is momentarily halting.
I guess I will continue in a bit when it starts to move again... fuckinghell.
He was denied his unemployment, but not for any of the obvious reasons. That there is where the curse shows its mark. Every bad thing we have experienced in the past 3 months has had a VERY CLEAR mark of irony to it. A 'how is this possible?' streak is clearly running through our every move. I almost fear writing it out. That is why most of my posts of late have been these got damn picture quotes. I am expressing without actually marking anything myself. I feel tainted and that I have tainted my son as well.
There has been so much resistance coming from the powers that be or the universe or the Gods or if there is anything controlling the chaos that is this life. So much Murphy's Law that I am beginning to see a face to the damn title. Fuuuuck.
So, what has this last week entailed? Short but sweet.
My sons EDD showed as released for his 6 week backup of checks, so all week we waited for them to show up on his EDD card, to no avail. Wednesday in the mail he received three blank receipts for the 6 weeks all with a $0 for each week and yesterday he received his denial letter. Is anyone else seeing how FUCKED UP the order of that process is? They make these poor, and mean starving poor people believe that they are FINALLY getting their EDD funds only to wait for a week and get letters with zero's on them AND THEN after that they get the denial letter. In turn that has to be appealed, which is another 30 days or so. In our case, the reason for denial is so anger inducing, so got damn illogical and such total bullshit and false information from the person who interviewed my son, as I was sitting right next to him while he spoke to her. I could hear her and him. She LIED. Flatout claimed that my son said 'that he refused to make himself available for work.' THIS is what he argued with her about. She kept trying to coerce him into saying that he wouldn't or couldn't work, and he kept telling her, "No! That is NOT what I just said at all!" Is this the new method now. To just throw away those in need who have paid for the service of this money by working in the past? To lie. Seriously, to just flat out alter facts? Anyway, the appeal is in the damn mail.
We had three vehicles up here. Mine, that died the day we got here. My mom's car and my mom's truck that gets 8 miles per gallon and is what we drive when we can scrape together the money for the gas and such. Basically, we drive to the post office and Circle-K and that completes our life for now. Anyway, the truck is raised... like HIGH raised, which is why the gas mileage is so bad but I digress... anyway, it has a flat. A flat on a raised truck is a truly sad sight to see. It is expensive to fix as well. To the tune of about $300 a tire on a really good day. And to add to the drama, my mothers cars 'check engine light' has decided to come on as well. So 3 vehicles and nothing to drive. AWESOME. OK my moms car can be driven but only in emergencies or if necessary. It is small and a stick and as much as I am a stick chick, my damaged left foot and calf and my spine cannot take the strain of her vehicle. Holding the clutch in with a foot that has lost a muscle and only has partial feeling AND spasms all the time everyday isn't really super safe. LOL.
Oh! And my Financial Aid SAP Appeal was finally accepted, two days too late to a) disburse on time and b) before I was forced to dump half my units due to lack of materials like books and online 'keys' and an evil fucking inhumane instructor. So I won't get anything until mid February and it will be roughly 1/4 of what it should have been as well. Basically, I got FUCKED by the school systems lack of proper procedure. When you add that I lost my food stamps BECAUSE of school as well it is just fucking comical. This is my proof of being cursed or marked or something much bigger fucking with me. You can not write this shit. You can not make this shit up and you can not ignore the sheer magnitude or the improbability of ALL THIS SHIT happening to the the same people/person NONSTOP. Statistically, this is just not probable...
There is more but my brain is momentarily halting.
I guess I will continue in a bit when it starts to move again... fuckinghell.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
The Mark of Maturity
The real bitch is usually even they don't know why the fuck they suck so badly. It's frustrating to want to understand yet not be able to get answers... particularly when their actions have destroyed lives and scared many. I don't want revenge. I want to know why.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Gratitude To Those That Deserve A Shout Out!!
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I haven't had much in the way of gratitude lately. It has been a really tough and painful 2 years and the last few months have seriously made me question the point of continuing. Seriously. And although I am still in the middle of this friggin' shitstorm, there have been a few moments of kindness that I really feel the need to express thanks for to a few people. This may seem crass to add but these are the people who helped me financially. Emotionally, the list is much longer and much more intense... You guys are not forgotten!
This is in no particular order as the acts of kindness are all equally beautiful and will forever mark some of my scars with beautiful bits of beauty...
To my daughters high school friend and one of my pseudo children, Sara. I love you. I am so proud of you. You have grown up to be and do amazing things and I know how hard you worked to get where you are. You made a great impression on my daughter as well, and that positive example helped to drive her in the right direction educationally, so again, thank you and I love you!
To Phil, my first love 30 years ago. Thank you for being there and doing what you could to help me get through all this crap. I know you and your lovely wife are struggling as well and your help was unexpected and appreciated beyond words. You have come really far since the troubled young man of our youth and even though you are going through a rebellion of middle age, and maybe gettin' a little crazy, I have faith you will not take the same turns of long ago. Your heart is big and I am thankful for knowing you all these years! You rock the middle age mid-life crisis Kid!! I love you! Give that wife BIG HUGS from me!
Christina. You big dork! Even though you sent me va jay jay shots of your piercing, which were a bit on the WHAT! side, you know I love you Woman! I know you are struggling with your health and that you are fighting like crazy to be the best damn superwoman you can be, and succeeding at it as well! You are inspirational, if not a bit irritating with all your perfect love posts, which let's face it, make anti-love people like me a bit ill, you know we are all hella jealous! I know I am! Thank you for your kindness and words of inspiration. I know I don't always appreciate it because on many days the last thing I want is inspiration shit, in the end I know it is all with love that you are expressing it, so thank you for not ditching this bitch when she can't see through the fog. XOXO
And to my OKC friend, who's name I won't mention here because I don't know you or your situation well enough to want to risk outing you, you know who you are... THANK YOU. Your kind act will stay with the others listed, here in my heart, and mark my soul with gratitude for all my days. And as I said above, even when my expression of gratitude sucks, it is there. I am just not made of the stuff that makes expressing it in the online world very poetic. I'm great in person but online is a real struggle. I am made of the old things of showing through physical expression like smiles and hugs and laughter. I hope you understand that and know how thankful I am for your kindness to me. I wish you all the luck in the world finding your true love as well!
And Mikey. My best friend and brotha from anotha motha... I loves you. And I like my hat!! XOXO
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Right The Fuck In The Middle: I'd Say 20/75/5
This makes perfect sense. I have ALWAYS had a creative block.
I can write and draw but not on demand, at least not well. I have never been able to unlock the door to full creative expression though, but now I can see why. I also understand why I was so attached to D. He was probably 5/45/50. So, he was a person who showed big wise and big creative/emotion and I REALLY wanted to connect with someone who could show me the way to that place. Unfortunately, the emotionally obsessed are also incredibly lazy when it comes to any kind of personal work and growth. They think that if they have taken a step forward that they should get applause and kudos and crap for doing one thing that many others do, and often daily, without anyone even noticing much less showering them with affirmation. You have to learn to maneuver this life without affirmation. In most cases when you get it it will be from a person attempting to manipulate you, so if you can find a way to love yourself enough to know that you do work very hard (and actually do that, not spew bullshit to yourself and others that you do it when you know damn well you do NOTHING to actually grow or change or learn) at being a truly deeply good person, then you really never NEED affirmation bad enough to go crawling around for it. This is why I take such great offense when someone thinks I actually want them to tell me their judgements of my appearance and such. Did I ask you? HELL NO. Did you ever wonder why? Probably not, because that would mean looking beyond YOU and your intention revolving around the situation. I don't ask because I don't care and I don't care because everyone has an opinion much like the assholes analogy. <They all stink.> IF I ask you though, I have gifted you with the knowledge that a) I trust you enough to take the risk, and b) your opinion will matter to me. No questioning my motive for asking. No 'chick' games for attention or a reason to start a fight. Just go old plain truth. Shocking. I know. And guess what? So far, not a single solitary man has EVER, not once, seen the fucking beauty in that. They all think it is a game plan. They all accused me of lying, cheating, manipulating, etc. and then they all did exactly what they accused me of. WEAK MOTHERFUCKERS. HOW SAD IS THAT?
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Defining Murphy's Law
Defining Murphy's Law
1. Caps lock on EVERY DAMN TIME
2. Taking Ibuprofen for the kidney pain
3. Eating MORE because you are already bound up and for some reason it's the only thing that works at forcing that shit out... ew.
4. Getting 10x's the anxiety after the anxiety meds wear off. Every. Fucking. Time.
5. Waiting years for health care coverage that can be used somewhere closer than the 60 mile round trip drive to the one place that what you currently had could be used, only to find yourself NOW with coverage you can use anywhere, but now you are car-less and live a 70 mile round trip from the closest medical facility that can administer all the the tests you were suppose to have gotten three months ago... oh and the $25 in gas it would take to get there now is more money than you have for living for 2 people as well. FML.
6. Paying your only credit card bills minimum payment so that you can use that available credit to PayPal your kid enough money to pay HIS minimum credit card payment. Look at me working that $35!
7. Losing my food stamps because my college was shut down for Winter break when the cunt from social services suddenly demanded paperwork from them due BEFORE they would be back and open again
AND THEN...
8. Getting an email 5 days before classes start stating that I have had my financial aid pulled, immediately, because the college didn't follow their own protocol:
Taken directly from my colleges Q&A website:
Does XXschool nameXX warn a student nearing the maximum unit timeframe?
Students will receive a warning letter once they have completed 60 units for an AA/AS degree and 24 units for an eligible Certificate program
This does not effect a student’s eligibility to receive financial aid <<<<< Uh, NOPE. NEVER GOT THAT LETTER, OR EMAIL, OR WARNING OR ANYTHING MOTHERFUCKER!
9. Not paying a car payment to save some other assholes car from being repo'd and having the repo man show up on MY BIRTHDAY to take my beloved car away...
10. Paying to file bankruptcy and having THE BANKRUPTCY LAWYER file bankruptcy BEFORE filing my paperwork, therefore stealing my money and fucking me hard all at the same god damn time.
11. Not visiting my mother in the rural area she lives in because my car was too unstable to risk it, then driving it up to borrow her truck (@8 miles a gallon) to move and finding upon getting back that my car has literally DIED right where I parked it.
12. ASKING, no INQUIRING (actual word used) about how best to go about canceling the car insurance I can't afford to pay anymore on the car that does not run now, and having the customer service asswipe CHOOSE FOR ME, to go ahead and cancel it at a cost of one and a half times that actual cost of the insurance premium AND....
13. Two days after the customer service cunt canceled my auto insurance and billed me MORE than the premium without my consent, my moms friend finally showed up to look at my car and with a tiny tweek by replacing a fuse, my car started right the fuck up. Now it is uninsured, 2 years behind in registration, won't pass smog, BUT IT RUNS. And I can't fucking drive it.
14. Getting not one BUT TWO STD's from men I was horribly loyal to AND having both of them LIFE LONG YOU CAN'T CURE THEM versions. AND...
15. Neither of these STD's is normally life threatening as almost EVERYONE will get both and one of them is guaranteed to be in a minimum of 80% of the population but most of those peoples bodies will fight it easily and it doesn't do any real damage, but I got to be the rare small percentage, that was not only already at high risk but whose body did not fight it and who had no idea she was exposed to it because 13 years of being faithful meant thinking the other person was being faithful as well... STUPID FUCKING DUMB ASS CUNT that I was. He wasn't and I didn't know I was being devoured by some nasty ass STD. I thought I was just having more chick problems since I had been plagued with them for so long. But no. No. Now I have been carrying the threat of cervical cancer, let me repeat that because ALL CERVICAL CANCER is caused by this awesome STD, and I can't get to the places I need to go to get the labs and tests and shit done because of #'s 5 and 12. IT IS AWESOME. Yeah, I am pretty sure that putting on a fucking happy face and thinking positive is REALLY going to alter the fucking waste of a life I am finding myself amidst of.... Most likely I will however, find myself in prison for cutting the next bitch who tells me to "smile, it'll get better" FUCK YOU. I only hope that when I blow it I am in front of the ex, whose level on condescending bullshit has truly tested my INSANE level of patience and kindness to remarkable and unmeasurable levels.
I can't imagine taking anyones life except to save someone elses, but I can imagine looking into that god damn face of his and hearing those mother fucking words, yet again, AND FUCKING LOSING TIME. GOING BLACK. The last time he did it I literally had to grab something solid to remind myself that I am worth more than life in prison for killing this fucking lying asshole who has the balls to look me in the eye and say this shit but didn't have the balls to leave before DESTROYING my life and my health. People like that should be put away. Seriously. He took my health and he purposely put it at risk. Why should he not pay for possibly killing me? Why?
There is so much more but now I am just so angry at myself for being me and being faithful and being a person with empathy and love that I have to disconnect. I have to calm down, plus my teeth are on fire...
More to come though. Murphy and I have been knocking horns for many decades...
1. Caps lock on EVERY DAMN TIME
2. Taking Ibuprofen for the kidney pain
3. Eating MORE because you are already bound up and for some reason it's the only thing that works at forcing that shit out... ew.
4. Getting 10x's the anxiety after the anxiety meds wear off. Every. Fucking. Time.
5. Waiting years for health care coverage that can be used somewhere closer than the 60 mile round trip drive to the one place that what you currently had could be used, only to find yourself NOW with coverage you can use anywhere, but now you are car-less and live a 70 mile round trip from the closest medical facility that can administer all the the tests you were suppose to have gotten three months ago... oh and the $25 in gas it would take to get there now is more money than you have for living for 2 people as well. FML.
6. Paying your only credit card bills minimum payment so that you can use that available credit to PayPal your kid enough money to pay HIS minimum credit card payment. Look at me working that $35!
7. Losing my food stamps because my college was shut down for Winter break when the cunt from social services suddenly demanded paperwork from them due BEFORE they would be back and open again
AND THEN...
8. Getting an email 5 days before classes start stating that I have had my financial aid pulled, immediately, because the college didn't follow their own protocol:
Taken directly from my colleges Q&A website:
Does XXschool nameXX warn a student nearing the maximum unit timeframe?
Students will receive a warning letter once they have completed 60 units for an AA/AS degree and 24 units for an eligible Certificate program
This does not effect a student’s eligibility to receive financial aid <<<<< Uh, NOPE. NEVER GOT THAT LETTER, OR EMAIL, OR WARNING OR ANYTHING MOTHERFUCKER!
9. Not paying a car payment to save some other assholes car from being repo'd and having the repo man show up on MY BIRTHDAY to take my beloved car away...
10. Paying to file bankruptcy and having THE BANKRUPTCY LAWYER file bankruptcy BEFORE filing my paperwork, therefore stealing my money and fucking me hard all at the same god damn time.
11. Not visiting my mother in the rural area she lives in because my car was too unstable to risk it, then driving it up to borrow her truck (@8 miles a gallon) to move and finding upon getting back that my car has literally DIED right where I parked it.
12. ASKING, no INQUIRING (actual word used) about how best to go about canceling the car insurance I can't afford to pay anymore on the car that does not run now, and having the customer service asswipe CHOOSE FOR ME, to go ahead and cancel it at a cost of one and a half times that actual cost of the insurance premium AND....
13. Two days after the customer service cunt canceled my auto insurance and billed me MORE than the premium without my consent, my moms friend finally showed up to look at my car and with a tiny tweek by replacing a fuse, my car started right the fuck up. Now it is uninsured, 2 years behind in registration, won't pass smog, BUT IT RUNS. And I can't fucking drive it.
14. Getting not one BUT TWO STD's from men I was horribly loyal to AND having both of them LIFE LONG YOU CAN'T CURE THEM versions. AND...
15. Neither of these STD's is normally life threatening as almost EVERYONE will get both and one of them is guaranteed to be in a minimum of 80% of the population but most of those peoples bodies will fight it easily and it doesn't do any real damage, but I got to be the rare small percentage, that was not only already at high risk but whose body did not fight it and who had no idea she was exposed to it because 13 years of being faithful meant thinking the other person was being faithful as well... STUPID FUCKING DUMB ASS CUNT that I was. He wasn't and I didn't know I was being devoured by some nasty ass STD. I thought I was just having more chick problems since I had been plagued with them for so long. But no. No. Now I have been carrying the threat of cervical cancer, let me repeat that because ALL CERVICAL CANCER is caused by this awesome STD, and I can't get to the places I need to go to get the labs and tests and shit done because of #'s 5 and 12. IT IS AWESOME. Yeah, I am pretty sure that putting on a fucking happy face and thinking positive is REALLY going to alter the fucking waste of a life I am finding myself amidst of.... Most likely I will however, find myself in prison for cutting the next bitch who tells me to "smile, it'll get better" FUCK YOU. I only hope that when I blow it I am in front of the ex, whose level on condescending bullshit has truly tested my INSANE level of patience and kindness to remarkable and unmeasurable levels.
I can't imagine taking anyones life except to save someone elses, but I can imagine looking into that god damn face of his and hearing those mother fucking words, yet again, AND FUCKING LOSING TIME. GOING BLACK. The last time he did it I literally had to grab something solid to remind myself that I am worth more than life in prison for killing this fucking lying asshole who has the balls to look me in the eye and say this shit but didn't have the balls to leave before DESTROYING my life and my health. People like that should be put away. Seriously. He took my health and he purposely put it at risk. Why should he not pay for possibly killing me? Why?
There is so much more but now I am just so angry at myself for being me and being faithful and being a person with empathy and love that I have to disconnect. I have to calm down, plus my teeth are on fire...
More to come though. Murphy and I have been knocking horns for many decades...
Friday, January 17, 2014
A Look Back At "Today I Choose." Why? Because I Was SPOT ON BITCHES. Right Back to Disfunction He Went. My Intuition Will Kick Your Ass.
(D, enjoy riding the same train yet AGAIN. What was the definition of insanity? You, in a nutshell. Fool.)
... to say FUCK YOU if you think you can disrespect me but expect respect. Fuck you if you think you can expect anything from me that you can't or won't give back. Fuck you for choosing to devalue me, while I try to show you your value. Fuck you. Go back to your dysfunctional, fucked up, bullshit of a relationship with your co-dependent ex who doesn't value YOU enough to make a choice and stick to it. You deserve one another, as it is obvious that this is what you desire. You can't lie your way into peace of mind, healthy relationships, wellness, or anything good. Your conscience will always know the truth, like my gut always knows something is not right. You can ignore anything that is 'too much to deal with right now,' as much as you want but you will never be in a better place to DEAL with it as you are now, so it makes no sense to choose to ignore everything. In fact you are setting yourself up to fail, and you know you are doing it too. You are far too intelligent to not realize this. How sad that is. How disappointing. I thought you were special, better, kinder, more aware, but you are as weak as the others and as disappointing as well. More so. You have the ability, they didn't. You are making a choice. I suppose I am thankful that I know now rather than 13 years later or after you have destroyed me even more with your simple and sad ways of dealing with life. I love you my friend, but I am choosing to say fuck you.
10/11/13 I'm going to add something to this: I may not have traveled to the ends of the earth, fucked 100's of nameless people, excelled at everything I have attempted to do, or lived in a completely selfish manner, BUT I have born two amazing human beings, spent 26 years selflessly making every choice with them in mind, brought up my mother rather than her bringing up me, spent 3 years living on the streets of Orange County... THREE YEARS, devoted myself to my mates as well as my children, overcome living in 24/7 pain, countless surgeries, almost a decade of no health insurance, physical, mental and sexual abuse, riches, poorness, uneducated and educated, working full-time AND being a parent alone to two small children, 4 years of in home assembly work so tedious that I developed arthritis in my hands, and doing this anyway so I could be home when the special needs teacher came to my home to teach my son so he could graduate on time, which he did because he is fucking smart but lacks social skills and empathy but not much else and a plethora of other life struggles and events and guess what? I DID IT ALL WITHOUT ALCOHOL, WITHOUT DRUGS, WITHOUT PROPER PAIN MEDICATION. So tell me this, who is really the stronger person? Who has really earned the exhaustion currently being felt? Who has been aware through it all and actually learned the lesson life is teaching? Who deserves a little respect and affirmation? Who deserves to be with a person that does not use double standards? Think about that for awhile. Think HARD. The totality of ME is not who I am right now but who I have been and who I will become again, with rest and maybe just one single person in my life who treats me as I deserve. Just one. Although I am beginning to believe I will never find a single person who see's me for who I am, I plan on continuing to search, or die trying. So good luck to you and to me as well. You are not the only person with gold. I am gold too, you just can't seem to see the glint of it in all the muck of the current mess I have been wading through. We both lose. No winners here. How disappointing it has all turned out. Maybe not all, true to form yet another mate has achieved the unreachable while having me in their life, and once again I am swept to the gutter when I am no longer needed or can meet the expectations of the other, because how dare 'I' be human as well. How dare 'I' have dreams or expectations or standards for myself. How dare 'I' be exhausted, overwhelmed, lonely, or in need of support. Yes, How dare I. Who do I think I am? I'm such a crazy female. I'm just another crazy bitch, right? Just another pathetic negative chick that has nothing in her past to prove otherwise, right? RIGHT? And that is why this is over. Sheep trying to force me into their herd. Sheep in disguise. A disguise so well worn that even they can't see their own costume anymore. What a waste. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE GOD DAMN IT.
... to say FUCK YOU if you think you can disrespect me but expect respect. Fuck you if you think you can expect anything from me that you can't or won't give back. Fuck you for choosing to devalue me, while I try to show you your value. Fuck you. Go back to your dysfunctional, fucked up, bullshit of a relationship with your co-dependent ex who doesn't value YOU enough to make a choice and stick to it. You deserve one another, as it is obvious that this is what you desire. You can't lie your way into peace of mind, healthy relationships, wellness, or anything good. Your conscience will always know the truth, like my gut always knows something is not right. You can ignore anything that is 'too much to deal with right now,' as much as you want but you will never be in a better place to DEAL with it as you are now, so it makes no sense to choose to ignore everything. In fact you are setting yourself up to fail, and you know you are doing it too. You are far too intelligent to not realize this. How sad that is. How disappointing. I thought you were special, better, kinder, more aware, but you are as weak as the others and as disappointing as well. More so. You have the ability, they didn't. You are making a choice. I suppose I am thankful that I know now rather than 13 years later or after you have destroyed me even more with your simple and sad ways of dealing with life. I love you my friend, but I am choosing to say fuck you.
10/11/13 I'm going to add something to this: I may not have traveled to the ends of the earth, fucked 100's of nameless people, excelled at everything I have attempted to do, or lived in a completely selfish manner, BUT I have born two amazing human beings, spent 26 years selflessly making every choice with them in mind, brought up my mother rather than her bringing up me, spent 3 years living on the streets of Orange County... THREE YEARS, devoted myself to my mates as well as my children, overcome living in 24/7 pain, countless surgeries, almost a decade of no health insurance, physical, mental and sexual abuse, riches, poorness, uneducated and educated, working full-time AND being a parent alone to two small children, 4 years of in home assembly work so tedious that I developed arthritis in my hands, and doing this anyway so I could be home when the special needs teacher came to my home to teach my son so he could graduate on time, which he did because he is fucking smart but lacks social skills and empathy but not much else and a plethora of other life struggles and events and guess what? I DID IT ALL WITHOUT ALCOHOL, WITHOUT DRUGS, WITHOUT PROPER PAIN MEDICATION. So tell me this, who is really the stronger person? Who has really earned the exhaustion currently being felt? Who has been aware through it all and actually learned the lesson life is teaching? Who deserves a little respect and affirmation? Who deserves to be with a person that does not use double standards? Think about that for awhile. Think HARD. The totality of ME is not who I am right now but who I have been and who I will become again, with rest and maybe just one single person in my life who treats me as I deserve. Just one. Although I am beginning to believe I will never find a single person who see's me for who I am, I plan on continuing to search, or die trying. So good luck to you and to me as well. You are not the only person with gold. I am gold too, you just can't seem to see the glint of it in all the muck of the current mess I have been wading through. We both lose. No winners here. How disappointing it has all turned out. Maybe not all, true to form yet another mate has achieved the unreachable while having me in their life, and once again I am swept to the gutter when I am no longer needed or can meet the expectations of the other, because how dare 'I' be human as well. How dare 'I' have dreams or expectations or standards for myself. How dare 'I' be exhausted, overwhelmed, lonely, or in need of support. Yes, How dare I. Who do I think I am? I'm such a crazy female. I'm just another crazy bitch, right? Just another pathetic negative chick that has nothing in her past to prove otherwise, right? RIGHT? And that is why this is over. Sheep trying to force me into their herd. Sheep in disguise. A disguise so well worn that even they can't see their own costume anymore. What a waste. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE GOD DAMN IT.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Riverside County 211 DPSS Flyer. Totally Worthless.
On my circular search for some form of preventive help from starving to death and being homeless I came across the Riverside County 211 DPSS Flyer. Totally worthless waste of internet space. The web address on the flyer http://dpss.co.riverside.ca.us/files/pdf/211flyer-cc1.pdf takes you here: http://211riversidecounty.org/
Now after hours of searching pages and roughly 23 tabs open arriving at this page really pissed me off. Being me, I decided to leave a comment since this is all the page seemed to have any functionality to do.
Here is my 'comment':
Well, now that we know you are capable of putting together enough code to create a basic webpage, maybe you can add something to it that actually HELPS those of us in need and searching for options? Seriously. Why is this listed on the http://dpss.co.riverside.ca.us/files/pdf/211flyer-cc1.pdf if it is nothing more than a starter project page with zero information? Where is this illusive 'extensive database' of resources?
Why is it so damn hard to find resources to KEEP from becoming homeless? Why is there little to nothing for those of us that are middle aged or childless. Where are the resources for those of us who did our duties and brought our children up and now we are faced with no employment options because we stayed home and did the right thing? Why do I lose my only form of aid because I am going to school rather than sitting on my butt watching tv and collecting aid? Why should I be forced to attempt to go to school full-time AND be required to work at least 20 hours a week to get food stamps? Why is it that if I quit school and stayed on my butt doing NOTHING to possibly better my future I am totally qualified for aid? Why is that if I was physically capable of having more kids I could have full coverage of food, cash, medical and school aid but since I can't pop anymore kids out I am not worthy of anything including food?
What the hell is wrong with this nation? When did we stop supporting growth and start supporting excessive childbearing for the exchange of proper living conditions, health care and aid? Why are we creating huge numbers of illegitimate children with missing parents who are not helping to support them AND saying that this the only way a person is equatable as worthy of aid? And when the hell did the addicted become MORE worthy of help than those of us who stayed away from the crutches? Why is there not prevention services but masses of aid for people already broken? Where is the logic in not creating a system made to PREVENT the addictions, the homelessness, the excessive childbearing, the mental illness and the hunger????? Most of these issues are problems because there WAS NO HELP BEFORE when the needy were still functional. It sickens me that I must become an addict or be committed, or live on the street for X amount of time to get help. It's sick and sadistic that THIS is our system.
So yay to you, whoever you are, that created this pointless page. I suppose it does have a function. I got to spew my anger on it on my quest to not starve and be homeless in the very near future.
A lot of good it's going to do me though....
After submitting it became obvious that whoever is doing the coding for 211 Riverside County's page is not only lacking in creativity but actual talent/knowledge.
So I left another comment:
Ha! Your code sucks. You didn't even create submission availability on the page! See? This is why school is good. This is why it is crap that I am not worthy of aid because I want to better my future. YOU have a job and I don't but I know how to code a proper page and obviously you don't... congrats on falling through the right crack to get a paycheck.
The point is that it is possible these comments will be seen by someone, somewhere if they are recorded anywhere within the webpage.
The real kicker though was when I went to connectriverside.org and THAT page was all screwed up as well. WHO HIRES THESE PEOPLE? If you click on any of the social network icons it just opens the same page in a new tab. The information is poorly laid out and the only way to get decent access to all the information is to click the teeny tiny 'sitemap' link at the very bottom of the page. This brings up a nice long list of all the information supposedly available on the site. Sadly, most of the links route to empty pages.
It is infuriating to be near starving and homeless and a) not be able to find adequate resources for yourself and b) see how many lacking people are out there bringing in a decent paycheck for pathetic work...
SIGH............
Saturday, January 4, 2014
ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH? I SCORED 33%.
I scored 33% in the @channel4 psychopathic traits test. How psychopathic are you? Take the test
You are warm and empathic with a heightened awareness of social responsibility and a strong sense of conscience. You like to carefully weigh up the pros and cons of a situation before you act and are generally averse to taking risks. You are very much a ‘people person’ and dislike conflict. ‘Do unto others…’ are your watchwords. But, although you avoid hurting others, those residing at the higher end of the psychopathic spectrum might not be as considerate, so stay vigilant to avoid being hurt unnecessarily. <<<<< TOTALLY ME. LOL! SCORE!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.channel4.com%2Fpsychopath&h=KAQHumRDS&enc=AZN-KvSzUUViYyVwsC3a7UGfd9O47-2lELctj2763HwL1o96UHPXcAkyYRe6ea-_fdWMBZ-hv25XpAU0l4rZwF3y&s=1 http://www.channel4.com/psychopath #psychopathnight
You are warm and empathic with a heightened awareness of social responsibility and a strong sense of conscience. You like to carefully weigh up the pros and cons of a situation before you act and are generally averse to taking risks. You are very much a ‘people person’ and dislike conflict. ‘Do unto others…’ are your watchwords. But, although you avoid hurting others, those residing at the higher end of the psychopathic spectrum might not be as considerate, so stay vigilant to avoid being hurt unnecessarily. <<<<< TOTALLY ME. LOL! SCORE!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.channel4.com%2Fpsychopath&h=KAQHumRDS&enc=AZN-KvSzUUViYyVwsC3a7UGfd9O47-2lELctj2763HwL1o96UHPXcAkyYRe6ea-_fdWMBZ-hv25XpAU0l4rZwF3y&s=1 http://www.channel4.com/psychopath #psychopathnight
Thursday, January 2, 2014
CAGED
I AM A CAGED ANIMAL AND I AM SO TIRED OF THE INTERNET AS MY ONLY CONNECTION TO THE WORLD, AND AN UNSATISFYING ONE AT THAT.
HOW DOES ONE ESCAPE THE CAGE? I'M WILLING TO GNAW OFF A LIMB IF NEED BE, BUT WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN IN REAL LIFE TERMS?
NO MONEY
NO VEHICLE
NO PHONE
NO FRIENDS IN REAL TIME LIFE
NO INCOME
MY FOOD AID WAS CANCELED DUE TO THE MOVE
I AM 30 MILES IN ANY DIRECTION FROM CIVILIZATION AND DOCTORS
NO RELATIVES EXCEPT THE ONE HERE THAT TRIES AND SUCCEEDS AT KILLING EVERY LITTLE BIT OF DRIVE I MANAGE TO ACCUMULATE... I MEAN WHO NEEDS MORE THAN ALL THIS ADDED TO THE LOAD FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONES NEED FOR CONTROL? PARENTS ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO WANT TO DESTROY THEIR CHILDREN. A PARENTS JOB IS TO BE THE SUPPORT SYSTEM, NOT THE BOMB PROGRAMMED TO DESTROY.
AND WHY DOESN'T ANYONE KNOW WHAT LOVE ACTUALLY IS ANYMORE? WHY IS IT THAT THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOTHING TO GAIN THE MOST AMAZING COMMODITY KNOWN TO MANKIND? LOVE IS WORK. LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. LOVE IS BALANCE AND KINDNESS AND A DESIRE TO SEE ANOTHER GROW AND PROSPER AND FEEL GOOD. IT DOES NOT DESTROY. IF YOU LOVED IN ITS TRUEST SENSE THEN YOU DO NOT GO OUT AND CREATE MORE DESTRUCTION BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS DISAPPOINTED YOU OR FAILED YOU. YOU MAY PITY THEM. YOU MAY FEEL A MILLION HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS BUT YOU DO NOT ACT ON THEM. YOU LEAD BY EXAMPLE. YOU WALK AWAY KNOWING THAT IF THEY EVER GROW THEY WILL KNOW WHAT THEY DID AND LOST, AND YOU CAN FIND SATISFACTION IN THAT ALONE. THIS IS CALLED INTEGRITY. IT IS REALLY ALL WE HAVE THAT WE CAN CONTROL. ITS ALL WE SHOULD WANT OR FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTROLLING AS WELL.
SO NOW WHAT? I HAVE BENT AND TWISTED AND WORN MYSELF INTO A TATTERED SOUL. IM STANDING HERE LOOKING AT THE WALL AROUND ME AND I AM EMPTY. I CAN'T FIND ANYMORE SOLUTIONS OR OPTIONS OR PINHOLES OF LIGHT TO FOCUS ON. I'M JUST HERE TRYING TO CONTROL THE NERVOUS RUMBLE THAT HAS BECOME A DAILY STRUGGLE INTERNALLY. A NON-STOP FIGHT TO WARD OFF ANXIETY AND THE WORDS THAT STREAM THROUGH MY MIND... I'M READY TO GO. I'VE DONE ALL I CAN. I AM TIRED. I AM READY TO GO... IT WOULD BE NICE FOR THAT TO EQUATE TO MORE THAN THE END THOUGH. IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THAT TO MEAN A BEGINNING, BUT HOW LONG AND HOW ISOLATED DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE SOMETHING POSITIVE HAPPENS? YOU CAN'T MAKE NOTHING FROM NOTHING. EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION BUT NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN HERE. ALONE. NO RESOURCES. NO FRIENDS. NO MATE. NO RELATIVES. THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOME OR ALL OF THESE RESOURCES, ALTHOUGH MANY PISS ON THEM. I'D KILL TO HAVE THE CHOICE TO PISS OR APPRECIATE. STUPID PEOPLE. ALWAYS WASTING ALL THAT LOVE COMING AT THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT HAVE IT THERE TO ABUSE. LUCKY BASTARDS.
HOW DOES ONE ESCAPE THE CAGE? I'M WILLING TO GNAW OFF A LIMB IF NEED BE, BUT WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN IN REAL LIFE TERMS?
NO MONEY
NO VEHICLE
NO PHONE
NO FRIENDS IN REAL TIME LIFE
NO INCOME
MY FOOD AID WAS CANCELED DUE TO THE MOVE
I AM 30 MILES IN ANY DIRECTION FROM CIVILIZATION AND DOCTORS
NO RELATIVES EXCEPT THE ONE HERE THAT TRIES AND SUCCEEDS AT KILLING EVERY LITTLE BIT OF DRIVE I MANAGE TO ACCUMULATE... I MEAN WHO NEEDS MORE THAN ALL THIS ADDED TO THE LOAD FOR THE SAKE OF SOMEONES NEED FOR CONTROL? PARENTS ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO WANT TO DESTROY THEIR CHILDREN. A PARENTS JOB IS TO BE THE SUPPORT SYSTEM, NOT THE BOMB PROGRAMMED TO DESTROY.
AND WHY DOESN'T ANYONE KNOW WHAT LOVE ACTUALLY IS ANYMORE? WHY IS IT THAT THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOTHING TO GAIN THE MOST AMAZING COMMODITY KNOWN TO MANKIND? LOVE IS WORK. LOVE IS NOT SELFISH. LOVE IS BALANCE AND KINDNESS AND A DESIRE TO SEE ANOTHER GROW AND PROSPER AND FEEL GOOD. IT DOES NOT DESTROY. IF YOU LOVED IN ITS TRUEST SENSE THEN YOU DO NOT GO OUT AND CREATE MORE DESTRUCTION BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS DISAPPOINTED YOU OR FAILED YOU. YOU MAY PITY THEM. YOU MAY FEEL A MILLION HORRIBLY PAINFUL AND DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS BUT YOU DO NOT ACT ON THEM. YOU LEAD BY EXAMPLE. YOU WALK AWAY KNOWING THAT IF THEY EVER GROW THEY WILL KNOW WHAT THEY DID AND LOST, AND YOU CAN FIND SATISFACTION IN THAT ALONE. THIS IS CALLED INTEGRITY. IT IS REALLY ALL WE HAVE THAT WE CAN CONTROL. ITS ALL WE SHOULD WANT OR FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTROLLING AS WELL.
SO NOW WHAT? I HAVE BENT AND TWISTED AND WORN MYSELF INTO A TATTERED SOUL. IM STANDING HERE LOOKING AT THE WALL AROUND ME AND I AM EMPTY. I CAN'T FIND ANYMORE SOLUTIONS OR OPTIONS OR PINHOLES OF LIGHT TO FOCUS ON. I'M JUST HERE TRYING TO CONTROL THE NERVOUS RUMBLE THAT HAS BECOME A DAILY STRUGGLE INTERNALLY. A NON-STOP FIGHT TO WARD OFF ANXIETY AND THE WORDS THAT STREAM THROUGH MY MIND... I'M READY TO GO. I'VE DONE ALL I CAN. I AM TIRED. I AM READY TO GO... IT WOULD BE NICE FOR THAT TO EQUATE TO MORE THAN THE END THOUGH. IT WOULD BE GREAT FOR THAT TO MEAN A BEGINNING, BUT HOW LONG AND HOW ISOLATED DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE SOMETHING POSITIVE HAPPENS? YOU CAN'T MAKE NOTHING FROM NOTHING. EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION BUT NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM HAS BEEN HERE. ALONE. NO RESOURCES. NO FRIENDS. NO MATE. NO RELATIVES. THEY ALWAYS HAVE SOME OR ALL OF THESE RESOURCES, ALTHOUGH MANY PISS ON THEM. I'D KILL TO HAVE THE CHOICE TO PISS OR APPRECIATE. STUPID PEOPLE. ALWAYS WASTING ALL THAT LOVE COMING AT THEM BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO NOT HAVE IT THERE TO ABUSE. LUCKY BASTARDS.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
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