Hmmmmmm?????

I love the theory but I've tried it and you know what? Nothing. Nothing happens when you stop participating. Now for me that was detrimental at one point and it still is off and on, because spinning ones wheels 24/7 and taking verbal abuse on top of it gets REAL OLD YA'ALL, and then the dark shit takes over. So, do this momentarily when you come to realize that you are powerless for the moment. Use that time to rest or zone out guilt free OR you can use that time to ask yourself why the hell this drawing has a wanger so delicately drawn on???? 

Hmmmm? 

I watch KDramas myself. I find the completely opposite culture refreshing, plus the need to read subtitles helps split my brain activity enough to make the A.D.D. and the rest of the shit swirling around in my head dissipate for awhile. As an added bonus, they can be funnier than shit and then suddenly make your throat close up and tears start falling out like crazy and then there is the food. So much food. A piece of their culture I understand well, feeding the people you care about and holding onto ones integrity. Good stuff! But, one of the best things is how Korea figured out that 'the gratuitous shower scenes' should always be gorgeous Asian men, rather than the plastic women the US is obsessed with. So refreshing! 

Lee Min Ho breaking women's hearts everywhere.

My first K-crush doing his share for humanity. Thank you, Lee Dong-Wook (이동욱) #KDrama #LeeDongWook Scent of a Woman

So when you're down and troubled and need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going riggghhhttt...... 

Find your secret feel good zone out thing and just do it. Guilt free. If your feeling guilty for doing it then you are doing wrong or you really are doing something shitty. In that case, try to find something that isn't hurting yourself or anyone else.

Oh, I guess I should add to any naysayers about the buff men and my own shallowness, yadda, yadda, yadda, that it isn't the hot bod that does it for me. That's a bonus I suppose, but my ex had a better body than these two photos and he spent the time he wasn't working, and as I now know, fucking other people and such, at the gym. I was a gym widow for almost a decade and half. That shit is pointless if you can't back it up with some really great internal qualities. If you are a dick on the inside then people will figure it out eventually no matter how pretty you make the outside. FACT. In real life I don't give pretty men a second glance anymore. Unless it seems to be just a fluke of nature. I'd look twice at that. Anyway, be a good person. Keep true to your words. Care about people, particularly when they really need it. LET PEOPLE CARE FOR YOU BACK. Don't take advantage of it when you get 'cause at some point they will come to their senses. And um, keep on fighting.

Seriously!! It's all I can think about!!

When The Nail Is Hit Perfectly On The Head...

ARIES: This weekend, you may discover surprising news or secrets. If you and a lover or close friend have not been good for one another — for whatever reason — it may be best for you to reconsider your connection and think about why you feel so dependent on their approval. Now it is time to break free from ties that hold you back! (Tangent to follow, sorry! Pre-Adderall kick-in rant) 

(LUCKILY, I HAVE NO LOVER AND NO CLOSE FRIENDS, WHICH I EQUATE TO PEOPLE I CAN SEE AS OPPOSED TO ONES AT THE OTHER END OF THE INTERWEBS THAT MAY NOT EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST BUT RATHER BE FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE HORROR OF TECHNOLOGY. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR WORDS OR CLAIMS OR ALMOST ANYTHING ANYMORE. THEY CAN LITERALLY JUST DISCONNECT AND BE DONE WITH YOU. HOW DO WE KNOW THEY ARE REALLY THERE ANYMORE? ANYONE CAN BE ANYONE AT THIS POINT. THEY ALREADY SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT ANY INTENTION OR CONCERN FOR THE WEIGHT OF THOSE WORDS ON OTHER PEOPLES LIVES. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN WRITE ON THIS BLOG LIKE I DO. IT'S BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE. EVEN THE ONES THAT DO WON'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT TAKES TOO MUCH ATTENTION, DRIVE AND ENERGY TO BOTHER. IRONIC. HUH? DAMN NEAR THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS BECOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 14 YEAR OLD'S WHO KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT CAN'T FIND THEIR ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL SO THEY HAVE TANTRUMS AND SLAM DOORS AND SAY CRUEL THINGS THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY ARE SO DETERMINED TO HIDE THEIR FLAWS THAT THEY JUST CREATE MORE DRAMA, CHAOS AND PAIN FOR THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE ELSE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE EXPERIENCES, BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. (I'M LAUGHING OUT LOUD) GAWD, WHAT A FUCKING FUCKED UP WORLD IT HAS BECOME. IT'S ON REPEAT OR IT'S SKIPPING LIKE A SCRATCHED RECORD. IT'S ANNOYING. 

NO ONE IS AROUND ANYMORE TO MOTIVE PEOPLE TO BE TRUSTWORTHY OR TRY TO BE BETTER FOR, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY IN TRYING TO EMPRESS SOMEONE; AT LEAST ONE PERSON CREATED DRIVE IN ANOTHER TO TAKE ACTION. THE LEARNING HAS HALTED. PEOPLE SHOULD BE OBSERVING AND IN-TAKING THAT INFORMATION FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. IT'S HOW IT IS WAS DONE. WE WILL SOON BE RIGHT OUT OF THE MOVIE 'IDIOCRACY' FAT, STUPID AND TOO DUMB TO EVEN REALIZE IT. (Click the 'Idiocracy' to see why.))

I JUST PROVED MY GIF WRONG. OBVIOUSLY I GIVE A FUCK. OBVIOUSLY I AM AFFECTED. BUT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT. 

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/08/astrology-gifs-for-the-week-of-august-24-2015.html?mid=facebook_kw&kwp_0=37832&kwp_4=219682&kwp_1=182936

So much to say.

After many hours of attempting to write a lifetime of basically everything of importance that I want to share with my kids I find myself still here. Still lost. If nothing else this blog is a good representation of the insanity verbal abuse, depression, pain and poverty bring upon a person. The crisis and crazy of living this way should be apparent. I'm disappointed in my lack of courage yet I got to express some of the things I worry about missing if I suddenly am gifted with the courage to escape this reality forever. When you have kids, no matter their ages, and you love them from the depths of your soul you don't take ending your life lightly. This isn't some teenager brokenhearted and acting out. This shit is FINAL. You don't get a pass to come back. You don't get a do over. You are here and then you seize to exist. The end. So, in that, a person that knows the value of love is apt to want to feel as though they have finished their business beforehand. That is what we tell ourselves, but we know we will never manage to cover it all. There will always be a regret. That is if there is anything past this. And this my friends is the thought in that moment when you hold the pills in your hand or you make the first cut. Panic. At least for me. In that moment the panic is what takes the courage away and then there is shame for being so weak and knowing that soon enough I will find myself in this moment again so why can't I just do it now? This time I went and attempted to get as much as I could out. It isn't enough, but if I went anytime soon, without further writing, I would at least feel that I said something of importance. I have more but I am long-winded. I did not write nearly enough to my son. I wrote a lot to my daughter. Many pages. I wrote a bit to the masses but in truth, in the end, the kids are most in my thoughts. Everyone else that matters has been privy to this whole ugly thing and this process so they shouldn't have much to question and this blog should fill in any holes, if not, I guess that is life, or is it death? I don't know. I'm still here. I'm neither proud of that fact or horrified. Just tired at the moment. Your judgement is nothing in the big scheme of all this so think what you will. It's a free country (or it once was). 

I take it back.

I DON'T WANT HELP. 
I WANT COURAGE.
I WANT IT TO BE OVER.
I WANT PEACE.
I'M NOT A TAKER BY NATURE AND THIS HAS BEEN TORTURE. BEGGING AND HOPING HAVE KILLED MY SOUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE LIKE THIS BY CHOICE DO IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT BEING LIKE THEM.
SO I TAKE IT BACK...
JUST SEND ME THE COURAGE TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK AND END THE NIGHTMARE ONCE AND FOR ALL. 
I WANT NOTHING ELSE.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND

I REALLY DO NEED HELP.    <<< YOU CAN CLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT IT, OR NOT.

I FOUND THE CONTAINER THAT HOLDS ALL THE TEETH THAT HAVE BROKEN IN THE LAST 2 YEARS... IT'S KIND OF GROSS BUT IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO HAVE SO MANY DEFECTS IN MY MOUTH FOR SO LONG. IT ALSO SUCKS TO FEEL LIKE PEOPLE THINK I MIGHT BE A CRACK WHORE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE WHEN I SMILE NOW YOU CAN SEE THE POST THAT ONCE WAS THE BASE THAT HELD ONE OF THESE PIECES IN PLACE.
SO ANYWAY, WELCOME TO LIFE.

  

the pain is where the wisdom lies

This post was triggered by this photo on FB and someones reaction  which was 'Well said!' Being homeless is hell and everything is a spiritual journey, or everything is not. Period. Circumstance isn't spiritual neither is hunger or abuse, etc. Poverty is poverty. Don't try to make yourselves feel better about that. We lie to ourselves to cover the truth which is almost always guilt and pain. Stop trying to justify the ugly truth of poverty by excusing it as a journey. It isn't. 

At what point do we stop making excuses for our inhumanity? How many times a day do we come across blatant acts of devaluing people and their circumstances or experiences? Does renaming/labeling some person, circumstance or experience a 'spiritual journey' or 'destiny,' or 'Gods way,' or 'your/their path,' or 'karma,' or any number of friggin' words people use today to separate themselves from judgement or from getting off their asses and doing something to help someone really work? Yes, it does because we are a nation full of excuses and labels doing this very thing to our fellow human beings and even ourselves. We include ourselves in these 'feel-good' or 'feel better,' labels. Instead of telling people the truth (or telling ourselves the truth), we fear our own weakness. We fear our humanity. We fear the judgement of others and the rejection and the disappointment. It's hard to be judged by people, harder by the people you love and respect, but the hardest thing to overcome is the disappointment of abandonment by them when you are most in need of acceptance and action wrapped in pure love. Personally, I have my days where i just want to go back to being ignorant but then I realize that would mean I would still be headed on the path of destruction. I don't want to do this again. This is inhumane yet it has been filed with so much truth. I like not getting annoyed by the posts on my Facebook feed, now that I don't have the 200+ friends' I ditched anymore. I liked defriending the people who made me feel like shit because they never showed anything or they were horribly ignorant and such. It felt good to let them go. I'm lonely as fuck but I don't have to cower when I interact with people I should be able to enjoy. Why? Because they were so determined to believe they knew my (or other peoples) circumstance therefore they could judge and remark and assume to the point of triggering me to cut and they were the worst for posting shit that just tried to box and label my pain (and the pain of others) and no matter how hard I tried to give them different ways to view my side they only saw their own. They were closed and boxed tight, even some people who believed they were super open and progressive. Unfortunately, progressiveness does not come with age or book knowledge but with experience and a lot of pain, (whether people want to accept that or not is their problem but the pain is where the wisdom lies). The opportunity to see beyond the visible layers is always, always there for every single one of us. Most will accept things at face value, like people trying to get help by using wording that might trigger guilt or empathy in others when in fact people should be reacting to what they see on the surface and especially below it. We are a nation of advertisers’ right down to our poverty-stricken. We even run most of our 'help' systems now on votes and social networking span and skill. It's repulsive. I'm doing my best to try to scratch the surface of everyone's protective armor and save this fucking planet but to me I only see a path of destruction due to the lack of backbone and honesty towards ourselves first and humanity after. WE ARE CHOOSING TO BE BLIND, WEAK AND DISHONEST TO OURSELVES. If you start with being honest with you and get really good and comfy with that and then begin to get honest with the people in your world and then outside your world you will find that what others think of you stops mattering. That feeling good inside makes everything tolerable because you have a good strong base to stand on and fight, cry, share or support... It's the answer everyone is wasting their lives trying to find. The answer to all things is BE TRUE. Start in truth and then move on in your decisions and paths. Truth can only be found below the layers you are most fearful of infiltrating. You have to pass through then completely to find truth but once you do you will find your need for things like drugs and anything you abuse will lessen or dissipate. You will be running from fewer demons. You will feel stronger internally. I always have given off a strong external appearance but internally I am shaking like a 9.0 earthquake. The older I got the worst the internal quake got. This last few years has forced me into so many frightening places and so much solitary that all there is to do is reevaluate, and such and eventually you have done that to death so you begin digging around in all the deep dark corners and in that you begin to wage a war on your demons.. OK, 'I' began to wage a war on 'my' demons... Anyway, as all mothers will attest, I would really love to be able to keep a few of you from being forced into actually going through the same level of shit and pain I have been enduring to get to your true selves. As I write this though I can clearly hear both of my kids voices saying that although they understand, that they kind of feel like they have to stumble and fall for themselves. I respect that. I was not that kind of person myself. Maybe it was because I lived through so many tragic experiences that I knew I didn't want nor need more of them to learn my lessons. I would take what I could by observing instead. I am more of an observer today than ever before. It is what drives me to fight and to express myself like this and allow myself to face rejection or judgement, I assume. I see too many people that have SO MUCH and see none of it. Come to me and let me point out how incredibly blessed you are, k? Or not. We all still have the right to choose we just have a hell of a lot less to make those choices from these days I guess. (Heavy release of breath)...
I guess I just had one of my morning pre-coffee, pre-Adderall soapbox moments triggered by a photo that for some reason really flipped a switch in me. No, I know why it triggered me because I was once the person in the photo and I wish the world would stop taking photos and start DOING SOMETHING to alter the existence of the subjects they post about. The time could be so much better spent looking for resources for the people or seeing how much help you can gather to offer someone in need the real tangible help they need to move forward. Sustaining seems to be what people not in crisis think is helpful but at some point that is just torture because you want to die damn it. You want the misery to end. You want someone to see you as more than an animal that needs to be fed a bit every day. Humans need to be useful and they need connection and to use their minds and hearts. We need to be seen as viable and visible. Sustaining us is nothing more than watching us wither away slowly and painfully. Like being in a zoo to be observed, but not touched.
And I did it again, rambling on and on... I MUST STOP NOW. OK. I want to keep going BUT I WILL FIGHT IT.... <3
I lied. I added more in a comment on FB:
People don't want to hear it. They want to hear how strong you are or how much you have grown or learned from it. They want you to box it up all tidy and clean so they can consume it and move on. The uglier it is the most likely it is to be real or true. Unless you have observed excessively and deeply dug the trenches of a persons soul with them and seen otherwise (occasionally people do grow and evolve and become super human) the things that give you a twinge of fear, doubt or distrust in people are the things to pay attention to and base your choices on, IMO. The key is to know yourself deep and true enough to not be making those choices based on your own damage. Yo can't do shit until you come to terms with you completely. Even the scary, ugly shit. You have accept it or alter it enough to accept it fully.

The Cramps - Can't Find My Mind

The Bittersweet Blessings of this Life.

My kid has become so fearless!!! I woke up to this in my FB messages:              
So I'm 99% sure I'm going to change my major to mechanical engineering. I already printed out the change form and stuff. This internship has changed my mind on so many things. And it's gonna make my college career a lot longer but I don't want to get a degree in tech writing because it's easy, I'd rather do what I want regardless of how much work it'll be. Engineers get to do the coolest shit and I want to be a part of it all!

I wrote 'became so fearless' because my Baby Girl has had to overcome some anxiety issues over the years that could have held her back severely, but she is a bulldozer when she puts her mind to something and has always managed to do the undo-able. This won't be the first time she has chosen a new path but this one includes becoming a inspiration to all girls at a time when women are being sent back decades by our politicians and religious wack jobs.
That 'internship' she mentioned that changed her life path was this summer working for NASA. Yeah, you read that right. I said NASA. 
So, I may have screwed my own life up in the later years but I will always have proof that for first 40+ years I worked my ass off to overcome the crap of my fucked up life so I could give my kids something honest and true to build their own lives on. They are strong spawn with a serious work ethic, integrity and a desire to be their own people not sheep sleepwalking through life waiting to be told what they want to hear and telling others what they expect to be told. They are definitely my kids. I'll take that proudly with me to the grave. 

The bittersweet blessings of this life.

I'm bummed that I don't have anyone to share this with anymore except here in the void that no one actually reads and one friend in FB. 
Bad luck, bad timing and bad people choices may as well be an infectious disease. Everyone is very sympathetic in the beginning but suddenly they disappear when the reality hits them that 'this could me,' and no one wants to face that truth. No one wants to see in technicolor just how fast and easily they can lose their life. And by life I mean what you worked for and acquired and the people you believed in and the comfort of the patterns and systems we create. The trust we thought we built and the security within those walls of trust. Anyway, I'm a disease and everyone (<most) was too weak and pathetic to be there for or with me so they ran and now i have no one to share these things with. Except here in the void of the interwebs in blogland....

My Whole Life Suddenly Makes Sense

http://projectavalon.net/Dolores_Cannon_The_Three_Waves_of_Volunteers_and_the_New_Earth.pdf
I'm wave one in case anyone is curious...
even my paintings begin to make perfect sense...
and my writings
and dreams
and epiphanies too.

Getting Kicked When You Are Already Down is Cruel

I wish I was dead right this minute. If I have to listen to how I have ruined my mothers life one more time I swear to god... make it stop. She just keeps restarting. I refuse to take responsibility for her choices. I wish I could change the burden I am causing her by existing in her little world and lacking money and resources and friends to rely on and such but she seems to think I want this and it's making me lose it more. I get it. It sucks ass. I've lost all dignity. I am worthless to others. I GET IT. I mean how many times will she tell me how she waited so long for me to never live with her again? She didn't live with me when she was suppose to have been my parent. I lived at my friends house and on the streets. She abandoned me. She packed up and moved away without a word and left my stuff. She acts like I have come to live with her over and over rather than for 3 decades I lived without her except when SHE needed a place to live and then she came to me for a place to live, not the other way around. Hell, even the time we shared the place in Temecula wasn't my idea. I was totally and completely against it, but Paul wanted to do it because he hated the house we had been in for over a decade. And that was the beginning of the lose of my sanity and the entire life I had built for decades. Why am I being punished like this? She should be on Pauls doorstep. I mean if she must blame someone. I didn't kick myself out or cheat or lie or wait until I had total control to decide to show my scumbag side. He did it to me not her and now she punishes me over and over. Gawd, I know what she is going to say word for word before she even starts. I start shaking as soon as I see the body language and hear the tone. 

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck

fuck

Sorry about the rant but I had to do something while she yelled at me...

and I hope you are having a pleasant day! :)

WELCOME TO WHAT POVERTY LOOKS LIKE.

 THIS IS ALL THE FOOD I HAVE IN THE WORLD AND ALL I WILL HAVE SHORT OF A MIRACLE EXCEPT I DON'T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ANYMORE. PEOPLE SUCK AND THE SYSTEM SUCKS. THAT I BELIEVE. I CAN GET BEHIND THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT AS FACT. WITH PEOPLE IT'S AT LEAST 75%-90% TRUE. THE SYSTEM? 100% TRUTH. 

I HOPE NO ONE READING THIS EVER HAS TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. IF YOU STOP AND TRULY CONTEMPLATE THIS REALITY YOU WOULD FIND THAT IT COMES WITH A PLETHORA OF OTHER ISSUES AS WELL, LIKE ANXIETY ATTACKS, HORRIBLE HEALTH REACTIONS TO SO MUCH SHIT AND SO LITTLE NUTRITION (LIKE SKIN ISSUES AND INTESTINAL ISSUES, MENTAL ISSUES AND PAIN TO START. OH AND THE LOVELY FALLING OUT OF ONES HAIR. THAT'S SUPER FUN.) NO ONE CHOOSES THIS LONG-TERM. I CAN ATTEST TO THE FACT THAT IT IS MUCH EASIER TO DO IT IN YOUR TEENS AND TWENTIES VS. DOING IN NEARING YOUR 50'S. IN MY EARLY 20'S I COULD LIVE OFF A DONUT AND WATER. I KNOW 'CAUSE I DID IT. I WAS HUNGRY BUT I FUNCTIONED WELL CONSIDERING AND I COULD STILL CARRY EVERYTHING I OWNED ON MY BACK AND WALK THROUGH MANY CITIES A DAY. IT ISN'T LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT HURTS. A LOT. AND I NEVER ONCE TRULY CONTEMPLATED DYING WHEN I WAS YOUNG, BUT IT IS A 24/7 THOUGHT NOW BECAUSE I CAN NOT FATHOM THE DAY THIS IS ALL GONE. DO I EAT DIRT TO SURVIVE? WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS? I SPEND TONS OF TIME ASKING MYSELF THIS QUESTION AND THEN I HAVE AN ANXIETY ATTACK AND I TRY TO SLEEP BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ANSWERS AND PEOPLE DON'T MUCH CARE. THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THE SECOND HARDEST THING TO ACCEPT. THE FIRST IS LEAVING MY KIDS. THE SECOND IS JUST HOW HORRIBLY PEOPLE SUCK. 

The Trouble with T-Mobil, Texting, and Rural Life.

If people only understood and appreciated how much mental and physical work goes into the sending of a text by me they might be nicer and feel a wee bit more special. So, here is a typical attempt to send a reply. I went on for another minute of hitting 'send' before it finally hit a sweet spot long enough to transfer. Can you see me standing on my bed and going to every corner and level within reach? It's actually worse outside. Go figure. 

All I can say to y'all is stop taking everything for granted. 

Kae Sun - Ship And The Globe - My Death Song (I think)

My death song. 

I hear this non-stop in my sleep. 

I wake up to it. 

It's background music in my dreams. 

It makes me happy and sad, yet it's comforting. 

So, I'm thinkin' it's 'the song.' 

This video is from the K-Drama I love the most and stars my dream crush, Jo In Sung, who is the Asian version of a man I loved but lost touch with about 16 years ago. Oddly his name was Joe too and the water skiing scene is like actually seeing him again for me, which is really nice. 

Since watching these foreign shows and movies is truly what has kept me alive and gotten me through each fucking soul killing minute of the last year or so, it seemed appropriate to use this video rather than the artists video, which for me personally, loses a lot without the connections this one has. Since this blog is basically a diary at this point, for my kids to read someday if they really want to know the ugly bits and pieces; I figured it was important to share more than my pleadings and pain, disappointment, anger and fear, mental break downs, epiphanies, and basic spiral into insanity. This is actually sharing something more personal to me.That may sound crazy but all the ugly painful stuff and soul crushing crap is just my life now. It doesn't at all seem intimate anymore. And since I have pleaded from the mountaintops to the ends of the earth and lost all pride and dignity ages ago, to no avail, I might add, they've all become nothing more than the droning of my minds desperation. 

I wonder what happened to Joe? Too bad he has the absolute most basic of Hispanic names, Jose Luis Garcia. I mean, come ooooon! LOL! And my own name at the time being Michele Powell is a Google search joke! We'd never find one another, even with all today's technology. I can't even remember his birthday, but he was a Gemini and it was in June or July 1967-1970 (somewhere in there). We lived in Vista in North County San Diego and he had a son named Taylor (Tyler? No, Taylor) who would be somewhere around 21 now. Sonja (Sonia?) was Taylor's mom but she moved out of state with him around 2000 I believe. Anyway, we worked at Albertsons together for awhile in Vista, then he worked for a moving company in Oceanside. Graebel movers? Anyway, I always wonder how he is and how Taylor grew up. I hope they are well and happy.

I'd kill to be back in that time slot of 1997 or so. I've pretty much pin-pointed the shifting of my life from normal-ish manageable chaos to slowly working up momentum and spiraling out of control chaos, to mid 1997. Right before my back injury, and meeting my last husband, trading in my car, losing my job, losing my house, moving on base... and meeting P. and his then crazy ass cheating wife who ended up not being as crazy as everyone thought as I now know in spades. 

See people, this is why character is so important. You can't sleep with 3 men at one time (excluding the husband) and then cry wolf to people about how your husband is not what he seems. God damn it if I had just known better though... We have our whole life to redeem ourselves for our bad doings but we can't ever go back and make it right, and that sucks. I know from experience on both sides of the moral coin. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I learned a lot from my mistakes and that is the best kind of redemption; to learn enough to not do it again. In fact, I learned too much and took too much to heart and carried way too much guilt. It's a huge reason why I stayed by P.'s side for 14 years and another year under the same roof making sure all his bills got paid and crap, like a good little wifey. All while getting the joys of listening to him fuck his cheating (on her husband) girlfriend in my old bed and walking in on them not once but twice having oral sex in my living-room... gawd, can't you just hear the howling of my dying dignity?? You'd be amazed what people can put up with to keep a roof over their kids head or their own head.

Sigh...

That went a bit off course. 

O.K.

WAY OFF COURSE.

So here is the video and song.

BTW, It isn't as morbid as you might think to have a death song. Something comforting to listen to on the way out? How is that a bad thing? 

2 YEARS AGO. I GUESS I WAS WAKING UP.

HARD TO BELIEVE I WROTE THIS POST ONE MONTH SHORT OF TWO YEARS AGO. IT SEEMS LIKE DECADES. EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE THINGS GOT WORSE, TO LEVELS EVEN I COULD NOT IMAGE. YET I AM STILL BREATHING, FOR NOW.
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:

My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why.  A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you  see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3
Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM 

Gilbert O'Sullivan - Alone Again (original version)

I had no idea this song was about the things it expresses. How many decades has this played in elevators, casinos, sad hole-in-the-wall bars, airports and on and on???? 

Life is disappointing. People are disappointing. Naturally.

Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics

"Alone Again (naturally)" was written by O'sullivan, Gilbert.

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour

I promised myself to treat myself

And visit a nearby tower

And climbing to the top

Will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to who

Ever what it's like when you're shattered

Left standing in the lurch, at a church

Where people are saying

My God that's tough, she stood him up

No point in us remaining

May as well go home

As I did on my own

Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay

Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do

The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down

Reality came around

And without so much as a mere touch

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt

Talk about God and His mercy

For if He really does exist

Why did He desert me

In my hour of need?

I truly am indeed

Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that

There are more hearts

Broken in the world

That can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again naturally

Now looking back over the years

And what ever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty five years old

My mother, God rest her soul

Couldn't understand, why the only man

She had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart

So badly broken

Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken

And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally

Alone again, naturally

Songwriters

O'Sullivan, Gilbert

Published by

Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Read more: Gilbert Osullivan - Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

True Dat

Epic Road Trips Map By American Authors

http://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-obsessively-detailed-map-of-american-literatures-most-epic-road-trips

The only 'dream' I have left anymore is the 'road trip' dream. In reality,  it's just another escape method since it's actually living in a car. but being on a road trip sounds a hell of lot less dark. Dontcha think? Plus, I still haven't been anywhere or seen anything. 2/3 of my life is over and I have nothing but life/family/people based experiences. What I mean is that I haven't done any dreamer, youth, fantasy-like stuff in my life. I never even made it to prom. Hell, I was married 3 times and not one of those weddings had anything to do with my desires. Not. One. 

LOL! Too fucking funny. 

I figure it would take a vehicle I could lay flat on my back in (Station wagon? Truck bed?) due to my spinal issues, a decent camera and maybe a recorder as well, gas and food cash and prepaid car insurance for a chunk of time. Oh shit, and a cd player. OMG! I want to listen to music I choose so badly! LOL! Anyway, the rest you figure out in the process. It's much more difficult to prepare (even just in your mind) when you are going it alone. Alone, middle-aged and female with no resources to turn to at all; that's what makes it more difficult since there is no one to rely on to help trouble-shoot and no one to advocate for you either. Actually, that just described most of my life's challenges, so maybe not as daunting as it seems. 

Hmmmm...

Anyway, this is a pretty cool map to check out if you dream of escaping as well!! 

XO

What if kindness was cool? | Jeremy Goldberg | TEDxTownsville

Scapegoat Problems and Two Narc Parents

Yesterday was seriously tough, now that I have two parents expressing the burden that my fate has made of me and that I have always been to them, even when I didn't exist in their life for years. I seem to have all this power that only my abusers can see and it only hurts them as well. It's weird, but if I could really control basically everything from lost false teeth (Mom) to the loss of ones house due to non-payment (Dad, over the 16 years we didn't speak. I am powerful! ) to the loss of ones ability to do anything for themselves anymore (My moms newest thing to blame on me) or their drinking and drug habits (still mom), or their electricity usage (more mom) or their choices to take loan after loan out to fix a car that isn't worth the first loan and the car still doesn't run- $12,000 in loans later (and more mom), than you would think I could get the fuck out of this mess and away from these people. I mean you can only blame someone else for so much when they are literally either not in your life at all or they have zero control and you hold ALL the control. It's like being an animal basically, but one no one wants. Easy to abuse. 

This addresses the last three years and a lot of what yesterday showed me about my father and not just my mother.


I'm tired of being tired and all out of positives to pretend the negatives aren't so bad. And feeling guilty is old too, as is thinking non-stop and running into walls. I literally think about things like banging my face into the wall, or the mirror or punching myself so I have some visual external evidence of what it feels like internally since there is zero acknowledgement that I am human anymore and feel pain and have emotions.     
                                                                                                 
Not joking but there is a certain amount of humor in the process of losing ones sanity/grip, don'tcha think? It starts out kind of chaotic and messy then there is a sweet spot that is rather beautiful where you gain a whole lot of wisdom no one understands or cares about except you and then you hit where I am now, which is really reverting back to early childhood when you would do anything to be seen and heard before you give up and let go of everything you have learned about 'controlling ones self,' and you fall to floor and let go of every bit of composure and obedience drilled into to you up to that point... and you scream and yell and plead and reason, as an adult reverting back to tantrums of childhood which I didn't get to actually have in childhood, until you just stop and realize the facts.  They don't care. They will never care. You were not born to them for any other purpose than to fill a void momentarily such as loneliness or as a tool to manipulate or in my case both. As soon as you became a liability or a burden, or too tall and skinny and gawky to take anywhere, or too independent or too broken or just 'in the way,' etc.  you/I seize to exist. When you can no longer serve their purposes or be there for them in just exactly the way they demand YOU BECOME WORTHLESS. NOTHING and the new villain in their stories. Even in nothingness they find a way to abuse your memory. And even with all that, you tell them that you love them, and ask them if they love you at all? Screaming, begging for an answer, only to get "I suppose if I dig deep enough..." and then the awesome throw back of the sarcastic "I know it's all my fault. Everything is my fault." But the answer to that is, "Yes, it is your fault, for not growing up and for having a child you had no intention of caring for and for being a selfish shithead of a parent," but instead you reply the same logic and reason shit we all say, "Did I say that? No, I didn't say that. YOU said that." And the message never gets through and nothing is ever resolved and you lay there exhausted and wet from sweat and tears and blood and no one else notices or cares. 

I swear someday I will find access to tools to record this insanity to prove I am not making it up. Of course I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone but I've been forced to do it my entire life so why not now? At least this is to support my words rather than prove my innocence. Or maybe this is the programmed me thinking I should do what I have been doing my entire life to defend myself? Yes, true. But, also, this is the kind of shit people never believe really happens or said in reality. The insanity of some of it could be quite comical if it weren't me being the target, or any human being or feeling thing. 

Yeah.

I have a fucking brilliant mind that no one will ever appreciate. That makes me so sad. Your loss.

(Disclaimer: This shit is mine. You don't get to steal it from me. My dream(s), my brain, my mind, my work, my writing(s), My blog. I have no problem suing because people with no life have all the time in the world. I'm just sayin'...)
Please now, move on to the good stuff:

So I had this dream last night... kind of super creepy, yet broken down it loses some of the creepy for more expected, if your mind has more depth than the average sheep.
Background info is that as I tried to pass out I was contemplating whether the universe or Gods or whateverthefuck is pissed off I am still alive and therefore doing all 'it/they' can to make me kill myself (Think Final Destination-ish) or if 'it/they' just truly want to keep all levels of happy, joy, hope and feeling good from me for some damn unexplained reason. Then I passed out...

So I am walking over a bridge, everything is in tones of gray, and bluish grays. I am walking behind someone else who also happens to be me but not me. I am two different people. This fantastically joyous happy song suddenly starts playing and the me in back says to the person/me in front (as I skip I say this), "I killed your dad to this song. It's an awesome song."    
  
LOL   Yeah, ya with me still? Okay... moving on....

So the front me starts to freak a little, but not too much or as would be expected in such a situation, but starts moving faster, so now we are both on a hilly knoll type area and the front me asks "where did you put the body?" And the back me suddenly wonders the same thing... and then we both see it... 

LOL

The body is in pieces in torn trash bags within a big rose bush. The head is clearly visible and such but the body is not of human flesh but rather it is more of a blackish solid gel material. No features or hair or anything but more like a mold of a human, dismembered, made of blackish solid gel.  

Ya all with me still???

It seems that I killed the darkness, or most of it. I killed that which had been stealing my joy. I dismembered that bitch like a gangster. And I did it to the happiest song I had ever heard.

Then I suddenly woke up slightly panicked. And that was it.

So, there you go. 
Feel free to analyze. 
I should make a short film of this dream. If you had the added visual and music you would SO GET IT and the creepy would totally come through as well as the "ah ha" moment. The coloring was a bit like watching "The Grudge." 

Now if I can just make sense of the "I killed your Dad to this song" part. I'm working on that theory. Actually, I had it when I originally awoke but I lost that memory so now I have to find it... The other me was the darkness we all have that is normal and necessary to live. The dead dad was the evil darkness that is not a natural part of life but a part set to destroy. 

I wish this dream was real. 

F*ck That: A Honest Meditation

NO EXPLANATION NEEDED. LOL! BREATHE.

I Love My Kids and Protecting Them Is Part of My Job

See, this is why I worry about my son so much. It's what most people don't understand. I have seen the aggression from strangers who 'think' they know what or why my son has done, said or is doing something yet they have been totally wrong. People with AS get internally anxiety ridden as the norm in their day to day life. How that shows on the outside is often irritable or angry and such. I've watched a full grown man accost my son in the elevator at his doctors office for acting annoyed when the guy got too close on the elevator. I worry every day that at some point my son will be hurt and I won't be able to help or get to him, yet people want to tell me to disconnect. They have no idea what that feels like... 
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/07/07/teen-with-aspergers-allegedly-beaten-by-strangers-wants-suspects-to-learn-from/

Susan Moffatt added 3 new photos — with Jonathan Moffatt.

June 30 at 4:50pm · Edited · 

I am posting this with permission from Gavin's mom. Gavin is one of Jonathan's best friends and like a second son to me. They have been side by side all through their school years. I was so proud of both of them when they graduated this year. They both worked so hard to achieve that goal. When I first saw the post from Gavin's mom I had so many mixed emotions....once I got past the anger I just cried. As the mother of a son with disabilities too my heart was broken for Gavin and his mom. I have always said "NOT ALL DISABLILITIES ARE PHYSICAL". Both boys have never asked for anything but to be accepted for who they are--great guys. Being a child with a disability in this crazy world is tough enough...imagine facing it as a adult. If I get through to just one person tonight that THIS IS NOT OK then I have accomplished my goal with this post. I commend Gavin for the decision he made for the punishment. Will the kids that did this to him learn? I can only hope and pray. My thoughts and prayers are with his family as they all have to heal from this horrible incident. Thank you to his mom for allowing me to share. We love you Gavin and know Jonathan and I are always in your corner!!!

His mom's post:

We found out that Gavin had Asperger's & ADHD when he was 3 yrs old, and growing up, we've had as many wonderful times as we've had difficult/frustrating times. You can't "see" Asperger's since it's not a visible disability, it's a social/emotional one that makes relationships difficult to attain. It doesn't prohibit his movement, or ability to walk, but it makes everyday interactions with people very difficult. He can appear rude, impatient, "weird", detached, or uninterested, but this is not intentional. He can also be kind, generous, and forgiving, but even this can appear awkward at times because some of it is learned and not always natural. Keeping longtime friends is tough because of his tendency to isolate yourself. Gavin has spent years learning what society thinks is appropriate and not appropriate, and so he doesn't offend anyone or stick out in social situations. Being a teenager with Asperger's is tough because all the sudden people around you are consistently "breaking" all the social do's and don'ts you've spent years learning.
On Thursday night, some kids were talking about how "it's weird" that he is always by himself, attending events alone and watching people, and it was "creepy" how he wanted to be friends with people he didn't know. On Friday night, another kid that overheard that conversation decided to take matters into his own hands and become judge and jury, and this is the result of that. He didn't ask questions, didn't get to know Gavin, never met him, and didn't give him a chance to leave. He was called to meet someone, surrounded by people he didn't know, choked, punched, and left laying on the pavement so he would "learn his lesson".
If you are reading this, I hope you talk to your teens, tell them about disabilities you can't see, teach them to be tolerant of people that are different, teach them that if they continuously see someone alone that maybe it is not their choice to be alone, remind them to ask questions first and get to know one another.
Gavin is fine. He has a mild concussion, a bruised esophagus, the tip of his nose fractured, and hematoma in his eye, but nothing permanent. He did not press charges, but requested their community service be disability related, that they write a paper on Asperger's, and that they watch a 20 min video statement he taped while their families were present so they could see the damage they did and hear the event from his perspective. I am so proud of him, and I hope a lesson will come of this to all that hear about it.

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Sometimes the only option is to improvise!!!

Being poe' requires creativity sometimes. I'm getting low on food but I have add water only pancake mix but no stove top to make then on, but then I thought that I do have a panini maker. So wha la! Kinda comes out like pancake fries!

Hey Girl! Where You Hidin'?

I do so miss her but I'd like to be a mix of her with the knowledge I have gained.

I saw this in a FB post and it was pretty spot-on.

Jupiter and Venus are converging and it's pretty amazing to see.

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/jupiter-venus-to-converge-in-star-of-bethlehem-moment/

The only good thing about this place is the night sky. Jupiter and Venus are so bright and my camera doesn't do them justice but still, a truly dazzling sight.

And Tuesday nights official Star of Bethlehem...

And the moon.

Trying to find humor in my poverty. Ha. Ha. Ha.

We All Just Want To Be Seen-Lonely Homeless Man

This is it. This is what is missing in the world today. It's all most of us really want and need (even if most haven't figured it out yet). A little humanity and human contact, some affirmation that we aren't just ghosts, forgotten by everyone or looked upon like trash because we hit hard times. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is and it's killing a lot of us. 

Must Be Something In The Water 'Cause You Can't Write This Shit

Ah, poverty mixed with rural living. This is my upper mouth/teeth. Those are my two broken bridges on each side of my mouth and the lower right arrow is the awesome tooth now destroying any will I can find left to live. The pain is brutal and us without a dentist for 30 miles in any direction... I got antibiotics and 800mg Ibuprofen but it's taking 3 of them at a time to help and that is liver and kidney destroying since Ibuprofen has been my only source of pain management for the last 30 years including spinal surgery, foot surgery, 2 c-sections, getting my wisdom teeth pulled and various uteral surgeries. My point? My kidneys and liver have already taken a beating. I'm actually scared of the damage I might cause now. I knew I should have taken up alcoholism like my mom. I bet I'd have a perfectly trained steel version that I wouldn't have to be worrying about. It always works out like that. Or so it seems. 
So, I guess my last posts question about it getting better rather than worse has been answered... looks like worse wins again. At least I excel at something. Something that sucks ass but something. Yea me. Fuck. I write this stuff here but what I really want to do it destroy things with my bare hands because being passive is killing me. Being level is killing me. BEING is killing me. 
Fuck
fuck
fuckity
fuck 
fuck. 

Does It Ever Start Getting Better or at Least Not Worse?

Oh God, I am so incredibly screwed. 
The only reason I have managed to stay fed for the past few months is because of the kindness of a very dear to my heart friend who has been sending me $200 a month to stay fed. Now, I have 2 credit cards that I accepted and used to feed my son and myself when we first ended up on this hill of hell. Both were maxed out when my son got lucky and managed to escape and that was why I sent him away in the first place. We had absolutely zero money left. 
So today this dear friend let me know that, due to issues beyond her control, she will not be able to continue, at least for a few months. I get it. I love her and I know I don't even deserve it. I appreciate it beyond words, but I am fucking scared to death now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for any of this but that's pretty obvious. Anyway, I can't really relate the level of internal fear and anxiety I am feeling at this moment. As it was the $200 paid the $75 for the 2 credit card payments at bare minimum payments, the $30 it costs in gas to get down the hill to food (once a month) and that left me with $95 for food a month... A MONTH, and I was thankful for that. But now what? 
Now...
what?
OMG. Breathe.
I just want to be able to breathe.
I miss my old, shitty, fucked up, lie filled life. It's amazing how beautiful shit becomes when you reach this level of poverty and desperation. I will never again question how people end up dead, insane, immoral, addicted, fat or just what seems worthless while living in complete poverty. My homeless years made me think it just took more internal strength to survive but I have officially been knocked off my high horse. I get it now. I was lucky back in those homeless days, I just wasn't all that aware of it then. 
I am now. 
God, what am I going to do? 
Breathe.
Try to breathe.

System of a Down Lonely Day + lyrics

Yep. Been one of those days, again.