warrant consideration

'...the unshakable feeling that she isn’t good enough to warrant consideration' - this is what I would like to rid myself of but instead it gets clearer and clearer otherwise. 
Only people who can strike fear in other people get consideration. I am beginning to see that. 
The unanswered question of 'Why do they matter and I don't," is now becoming clearly visible to me. 
Fear. 
Those with the greatest capacity to spread fear are the most recognized. They are the most considered. They are the blessed. The abusive parent. The abusive mates. They get what they want. They rarely starve or live being controlled by others for too long. They find ways to twist and turn and destroy so that they stay in the light of consideration by the fear they create with their words and fists and other actions.
Our entire political structure shows how those in this position are awarded vs. those who need the most but have nothing to use to invoke fear anymore. 
Another good example of this is blackmail. A person with no power or ability to invoke pain or fear finds themselves privy to information that will create what they lack, intimidation and fear. When used they find that they usually get what they have been needing. When they don't, they get nothing. Nothing changes except what they now know.
Manipulation is created by using fear to twist anothers will to ones liking. It is the more silent and widespread form of the dance between the 'worthy' or seen and the 'unworthy' or unseen. The silent treatment, the shaming words, the martyr words, the manipulative 'you would if you cared or loved me...' the physical abuses, the secrets kept but not so well that the other isn't aware that something is going on. It's all actually a pretty intricate dance if you disconnect enough to be capable of going back and really looking, digging, patterning, deciphering, etc.....opening your eyes to the footsteps of deceit can be quite overwhelming and humbling as well. Although, there is often a great difference between the worth of lessons learned vs. the worth of the wisdom acquired.
Physical fear, emotional fear.
Fear of loss.
Fear of physical pain.
Fear of emotional pain.
Fear of detachment.
Fear of being alone.
Fear of change.



(Not really relevant to the above passage)
A good way to gauge this is to take a giver such as myself and make it impossible for them to give anymore. The takers keep coming but they begin to fizz out when they realize that you really can't do anything for them anymore (1) and they don't give a damn about what you might need either, no matter the depths of your own despair. (2) These people, the real low of the low will continue to 'check-in' usually when intoxicated, to see if you are still incapable of helping them. When you show you still can't they disappear again. 

A Room in Hell. Well Chosen Words.

Trauma is Trauma: A Mental Health Talk with Kevin Smith | PEOPLE

The Weepies - World Spins Madly On [Official Music Video]

World Spins Madly On

The Weepies

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept
right through the dawn

And the world spins madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill

The whole world is moving
and I'm standing still
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed

The night is here and the day is gone
And the world spins madly on
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on x3

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Steven Tannen / DEBORAH R TALAN

World Spins Madly On lyrics © Deb Talan Music, Steve Tannen Music

[HD] Too Many Dicks (On the Dance Floor) - Flight of the Conchords

Quirky & Opinionated

What Will This Abstract Image Test Reveal About Your True Self?   <<<link

Quirky & Opinionated

cdnstatic.visualizeus.com

Based on your associations with the abstract, you tend to be a shy and quiet person, but you also have tendencies to be eccentric and full of energy. Regardless, you are a deep, intellectual thinker who loves helping others and believes firmly in a number of causes. You are a diplomat who is able to easily solve problems and quell conflicts. You don't care for social norms and standards and tend to do things your own way. One of your pet peeves is when people try to constrain or limit you, since you crave freedom and independence. Sometimes you can appear cold or insensitive, but you have a deep and genuine concern for humanity and once you let someone into your world, you are good at expressing your emotions. You have a talent for exploiting your creative imagination for business purposes and this will get you very far.

"deep, intellectual thinker "

THIS MEANS I DON'T REALLY 'DO' IMMATURE OR STUPID HUMOR. I CAN'T HELP IT. IT BORES ME TO NO END AND I ALREADY DID MY MANY YEARS OF TORTURE WHILE BEING A MOM (KID HUMOR CAN BE PAINFUL, "PULL MY FINGER!"), A WIFE (IN-LAW HUMOR CAN BE PAINFUL AS WELL, THE SAME 5 TO 10 STUPID ONE LINERS OR PLAYS ON WORDS ETC. IT'S CRUEL), AND THE MATE OF A POTHEAD (STONED HUMOR IS THE WORST WHEN IT IS ALL THERE IS ANYMORE. NO MATTER HOW INTELLIGENT THE STONER IS THEY BECOME COMPLETE IDIOTS ONCE THEY ARE WASTED.). SO YEAH, NO. I CAN'T MUSTER ANYTHING UP TO PLAY THAT ANYMORE AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BECAUSE PEOPLE SHOULD WANT A GENUINE REACTION NOT 'JUST ANY REACTION' BE IT FAKE OR OTHERWISE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME GIVING ANYONE A FAKE RESPONSE EXCEPT TO NURSE THEIR EGO? NO. ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU DO THIS WHEN YOU KNOW IT WILL NOT GO THE WAY YOU DEMAND IT TO GO. WHY YOU KEEP FORCING THE SAME SCENARIOS. WHY YOU NEED THIS ATTENTION RATHER THAN GOING WITHIN AND REPAIRING WHATEVER DAMAGE YOU HAVE THAT INSISTS THAT OTHERS RESPOND TO YOU, NOT HONESTLY, BUT RATHER THE WAY YOU DEMAND/EXPECT? WHY DOES THIS CREATE SO MUCH ANIMOSITY WITHIN YOU? THE ANSWER ISN'T IN MY REACTION OR LACK THEREOF BUT IN YOUR NEED TO REPEAT THE BEHAVIOR THEN LASH OUT.... 

ALSO, THE MORE A PERSON PROTESTS SOMETHING NO ONE HAS QUESTIONED, THE LESS CONVINCING THAT PROTEST WILL BE. IF YOU EQUATE BASIC COURTESY AND BASIC CONSIDERATION TO BEING CALLED PETTY THEN YOU HAVE A SERIOUS ISSUE THAT YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH. YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY YOU ARE SEEING AND HEARING SOMETHING NOT THERE. IF SOMEONE HAS BLATANTLY PUT YOU INTO QUESTION THEN THERE IS REASON TO BE DEFENSIVE, BUT BASIC COMMON COURTESIES ARE SHOWING AN APPRECIATION NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK. BEING QUIET, NOT TAKING EVERYTHING OFFERED, NOT WANTING TO BE NIT PICKED TO DEATH BECAUSE IT MAKES A PERSON WANT TO KNOCK YOU OUT, ASKING FOR SPECIFICS RATHER THAN THE VAGUE SO THAT A PERSON CAN MAKE SOUND DECISIONS AND CHOICES THAT WON'T CAUSE MORE CRAP.... JESUS FUCK. IF A PERSON COULD JUST GET CLEAR CONCISE ANSWERS AND BE HEARD AND REMEMBERED (WHEN THEY REPEATEDLY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO GIVE YOU SPECIFICS AND CLEAR ANSWERS TO NO AVAIL) THEN LIFE COULD TRULY BE WORTH LIVING, BUT NOPE. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES ONE ASKS, THE ANSWERS ARE ALWAYS EITHER VAGUE OR NON-EXISTENT (AVOIDED BY ATTACKS AND THE TWISTING OF WORDS TO DETOUR THE ANSWER). MORE 'FIGHTS' ARE BASED ON THIS ISSUE THAN ANY OTHER. CONSTANT DEFLECTING. 

de·flect

dəˈflekt/

verb

gerund or present participle: deflecting

cause (something) to change direction by interposing something; turn aside from a straight course.

DEFLECTING... THE NEVER FUCKING ENDING DEFLECTING BY THE PEOPLE REFUSING TO STOP AND JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ALLOW THEMSELVES TO SEE AND BE. THIS NEED TO REFUSE TO ADMIT FLAWS BECAUSE THEN YOU MUST ADDRESS THEM, (BUT YOU MUST ANYWAY BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE SEE'S THEM WHILE YOU PRETEND THEY AREN'T THERE AND AS LONG AS YOU GUYS DO THAT YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANY SELF LOVE). YOU WON'T EVER FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE PERSON YOU ARE, YOU WILL ALWAYS TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF WHEN NO ONE BUT YOU HAS ACCUSED. YOU WILL GET ANGRY AT THE PEOPLE WHO ACCEPT THEMSELVES. YOU WILL WASTE AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ENERGY ON AVOIDING YOURSELF AND ALIENATING OTHERS. IT'S SUCH A WASTE. WE WILL NEVER GET TIME BACK EITHER. IT'S GONE. WASTED. AND THE PEOPLE YOU PUSH AND HURT WILL NEVER FULLY HEAL FROM THE PAINS YOU INFLICT IN YOUR AVOIDANCE. 

I'M A FUCKING SCREEN ALREADY, SO A FEW MORE FUCKING HOLES WON'T DO MUCH, SO IT'S REALLY A WASTE OF TIME TO CONTINUE TO TRY, BUT OTHERS ARE USUALLY LESS DAMAGED. OTHERS WILL FEEL IT THE WAY I FELT IT WHEN I WAS NOT A PLETHORA OF HOLES AND OPEN WOUNDS. I CAN ATTEST TO HOW CRUEL THAT IS AND ALSO TO HOW YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE 'THAT PERSON' TO SOMEONE IF YOU CAN AVOID IT. SO AVOID IT. GO GET THERAPY OR READ SOME BOOKS OR TAKE A FEW PSYCH AND PHILOSOPHY COURSES OR DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING POSITIVE TO STOP THE CYCLE THAT IS EATING UP YOUR LIVES.

AND TRY TO REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE SO MUCH ANIMOSITY FOR THAT HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS INTERNAL WORK WERE ONCE STANDING RIGHT WHERE YOU STAND NOW. THEY'VE BEEN THERE FELT THAT. THE DIFFERENCE IS THE COURAGE TO FACE IT, ACCEPT IT, AND DEAL WITH IT IN A HEALTHY MANNER THAT PROPELS YOU FORWARD, NOT BACKWARDS OR KEEPING YOU TRAPPED IN LIMBO. LIMBO IS HELL. I THINK I AM IN LIMBO UNTIL I MANAGE TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE SEE AND MOVE FORWARD. ITS THE ONLY ANSWER I HAVE TO WHY I KEEP ENCOUNTERING THE SAME PERSON IN A DIFFERENT SHELL. EVERY AGE, GENDER, BACKGROUND... SAME PERSON. SAME DAMAGE. SAME REFUSAL. IT'S A NIGHTMARE I CAN'T ESCAPE. I'VE TRIED. I GIVE UP THOUGH. I ACCEPT THAT THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR ME. I WILL NOT EVER MANAGE TO REACH ANY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE. MY FAILURE TO HELP WILL BE MY LIFE FAILURE AND I WILL EITHER CONTINUE THIS HELLISH LIMBO OR I WILL END IT THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW. SAD FACT. DEPRESSING FACT. IS THIS HOW DOCTORS FEEL WHEN THEIR PATIENT DIES? "I TRIED SO HARD, AND FOR WHAT? THIS?" AFTER A WHILE I CAN SEE HOW MANY DOCTORS JUST GIVE UP ON BEING CONNECTED TO THEIR PATIENTS ANYMORE. THEN AGAIN (THIS IS THE INFJ SPEAKING) I CAN ALSO SEE ALL THE PEOPLE HELPED AND SAVED. ALL THE IN-BETWEENS. SIGH. LIFE AND DEATH SHOULD BE A LOT MORE CUT AND DRY DAMN IT. 

The Moth Presents Mike DeStefano: The Junkie and the Monk

Style • With Elsa Klensch • 1993-95

A King In New York - More Chaplin (and son)

Billy Idol - Sweet Sixteen

Writing prompt reminder...

Dubai was lit (Full Video)

Secret Love Affair OST- GORGEOUS

THE CRIBS - "Be Safe"

THE CRIBS - "Be Safe"

One of those fucking awful black days
When nothing is pleasing and everything that happens
Is an excuse for anger
An outlet for emotions stockpiled, an arsenal, an armour

These are the days when I hate the world
Hate the rich, hate the happy
Hate the complacent, the TV watchers
Beer drinkers, the satisfied ones

Because I know I can be all of those little hateful things
And then I hate myself for realizing that
There's no preventative, directive or safe approach for living
We each know our own fate

We know from our youth how to be treated
How we'll be received, how we shall end
These things don't change

You can change your clothes
Change your hairstyle, your friends, cities, continents
But sooner or later your own self will always catch up
Always it waits in the wings

Ideas swirl but don't stick
They appear but then run off like rain on the windshield

One of those rainy day car rides, my head implodes
The atmosphere in this car, a mirror of my skull
Wet, damp, windows dripping and misted with cold
Walls of grey, nothing good on the radio, not a thought in my head

I know a place we can go where you'll fall in love so hard that
You'll wish you were dead

Let's take life and slow it down incredibly slow
Frame by frame
With two minutes that take ten years to live out
Yeah, let's do that

Telephone poles like praying mantis against the sky
Metal arms outstretched
So much land travelled, so little sense made of it
It doesn't mean a thing, all this land laid out behind us

I'd like to take off into these woods and get good and lost for a while
I'm disgusted with petty concerns
Parking tickets, breakfast specials
Does someone just have to carry this weight?

Abstract typography, methane covenant
Linear gospel, Nashville sales lady, stocky emissary
Torturous lice, mad Elizabeth
Chemotherapy bullshit

I know a place we can go where you'll fall in love so hard that
You'll wish you were dead

The light within you shines like a diamond mine
Like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway
Like a snake eating its own tail
A steam turbine, frog pond

Two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun
Hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob
Deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memory
Movements, the movie unpeeling, unreeling, about to begin

I know a place we can go where you'll fall in love so hard that
You'll wish you were dead

I've seen your hallway, you're a darn call away
I've hear your stairs creak, I can fix my mind on your yes
And your no, I'll film your face today in the sparkling canals
All red, yellow, blue, green brilliance and silver Dutch reflection

Racing thoughts, racing thoughts, all too real
You're moving so fast now, I can't hold your image
This image I have of your face by the window
Me standing beside you, arm on your shoulder
A catalogue of images, flashing glimpses, then gone again

I'm tethered to this post you've sunk in me
And every clear afternoon now I'll think of you, up in the air
Twisting your heel, your knees up around me, my face in your hair
You scream so well, your smile so loud, it still rings in my ears

I know a place we can go where you'll fall in love so hard that
You'll wish you were dead

Inhibition, distant, tired of longing
Clean my teeth, stay the course
Hold the wheel, steer on to freedom
Open all the boxes, open all the boxes
Open all the boxes, open all the boxes

Times Square midday, newspaper buildings, news headlines going around
You watch as they go and hope for some good ones
Those tree shadows in the park they're all whispering, chasing leaves

Around six PM, shadows across the cobblestones
Girl in front of bathroom mirror
As she slowly and carefully and paints her face green, mask-like
Like Matisse, "Portrait with Green Stripe"

Long shot through apartment window
A monologue on top but no girl in shot

The light within me shines like a diamond mine
Like an unarmed walrus, like a dead man face down on the highway
Like a snake eating its own tail
A steam turbine, frog pond

Two full closets burst open in disarray, soap bubbles in the sun
Hospital death bed, red convertible, shopping list, blowjob
Deaths head, devils dancing, bleached white buildings, memory
Movements, the movie unreeling, about to begin

That was great by me
Yeah? Mine were alright. Wasn't my best one but who cares?
That's the spirit

How To Be An Action Hero: The Philosophy of Bruce Lee | Shannon Lee | TE...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOKKUSwEaxg

How To Be An Action Hero: The Philosophy of Bruce Lee | Shannon Lee | TE...

Deflecting Bullshit Like a Boss!! Wonder Woman Reigns!

Deflecting Bullshit Like a Boss!! 

This is (literally, not figuratively) my mental picture when I am with my Mom or anyone I know who is too scared to speak the truth, or admit being human, therefore flawed or responsible for anything,  etc... I am mentally imagining this gif and I hear the Star Wars laser beam fighting sound... lol! 
Pew. 
Pew pew pew. 
Pew. 
Welcome to my mind. Sometimes it is truly entertaining, other times it's a deep ugly dark abyss of 'just give up.' Everything in between is monotonous crap. Of course if you read the shit I vomit here than you know that already. XOXO

How I Got Fucked Up and Why I Can't Get Unfucked Up

Most people only come across one person like this but for a few of us unlucky Empaths and/or INFJ's we find ourselves surrounded by them. I was born into this and almost 49 years later and I still can't escape no matter how introverted and isolated I become, It will be the death of me trying to find peace. Literally. Nobody better question why because I have laid this out clearly. Maybe someone else can be saved though. So, if you are on the shit end of any kind of relationship like this RUN. NOW. If you are the asshole dishing this shit out then I say 'go get your damage repaired.' Grow a spine and face your shit rather than taking it out on the people around you. They deserve better. You will never find anything real or good while you spend all your time in denial. Everyone is flawed so trying to be right or superior to everyone is a fucking delusion.

Gaslighting as a Manipulation Tactic: What It Is, Who Does It, And Why
By Dr George Simon, PhD
http://counsellingresource.com/features/2011/11/08/gaslighting/
Gaslighting is a sophisticated manipulation tactic which certain types of personalities use to create doubt in the minds of others. Here’s how it works and what to watch out for.

In a stage play and suspense thriller from the 1930s entitled “Gas Light,” a conniving husband tries to make the wife he wishes to get rid of think she is losing her mind by making subtle changes in her environment, including slowly and steadily dimming the flame on a gas lamp. In recent years, the term “gaslighting” has come to be applied to attempts by certain kinds of personalities, especially psychopaths — who are among the personalities most adept at sophisticated tactics of manipulation — to create so much doubt in the minds of their targets of exploitation that the victim no longer trusts their own judgment about things and buys into the assertions of the manipulator, thus coming under their power and control.

Effective gaslighting can be accomplished in several different ways. Sometimes, a person can assert something with such an apparent intensity of conviction that the other person begins to doubt their own perspective. Other times, vigorous and unwavering denial coupled with a display of righteous indignation can accomplish the same task. Bringing up historical facts that seem largely accurate but contain minute, hard-to-prove distortions and using them to “prove” the correctness of one’s position is another method. Gaslighting is particularly effective when coupled with other tactics such as shaming and guilting. Anything that aids in getting another person to doubt their judgment and back down will work.

Gaslighting is just one of the many weapons in the arsenal of personalities hell-bent on having their way, even if it means doing so by subtle and covert means of conning others. One of the most important points I make in all my articles, books, and other writings about the narcissistic and most especially, the aggressive personalities, is that they will do whatever it takes to secure and maintain a position of advantage over others. And some of the most effective means at their disposal are tactics that conceal their malevolent intent while simultaneously prompting their “target” to accede to their desires. I outline the most common ones covertly aggressive folks use to manipulate others in my book In Sheep’s Clothing [Amazon-US | Amazon-UK]. But it would be virtually impossible to fully list all of the various tactics expert manipulators use.

Deception is often the key ingredient in manipulation. Deception can be accomplished by outright denial, distortion of key aspects of events, and a variety of other methods, especially the more sophisticated lying techniques. And, as I have mentioned in a prior post (see “Lying: The Ultimate Manipulation Tactic”), a really accomplished liar can deceive another person by merely reciting a litany of absolutely true things — while deliberately and cleverly leaving out one or two crucial elements that would change the entire character of what they’re trying to make you believe. But a common element among all the tactics manipulators use is that they cause the person being targeted to doubt their gut instincts about what’s going on. Their gut tells them they’re under attack or that someone is trying to get the better of them, and they intuitively go on the defensive. But because they often can’t find any clear, direct, objective evidence that the other person is merely trying to disadvantage them, they start doubting and questioning themselves. This is the real secret of effective manipulation. If the “target” were solidly convinced they were in the process of being done in, they’d more likely put up more resistance instead of capitulating. Manipulators know this. They win by getting the other person to back down or give in.

Gaslighting has come to some prominence lately because several authors have highlighted it as one of the more crafty tactics psychopaths use to disadvantage their victims. But many character-disturbed individuals, most especially the aggressive personalities, are prone to using numerous tactics, including covert techniques, to get the better of their targets. Their goal is always to win or secure whatever it is they want. And they’ll do whatever they have to do to get it. Sometimes the most effective way to do that is to avoid red-flagging their intentions but rather get the other person to unwittingly but voluntarily surrender. Instill shame, instill guilt, instill fear, or instill great doubt, and the other person will likely back off the stance they really wanted to take.

I have written a series of articles on the manipulation tactics of covertly-aggressive and other disturbed personalities (see my Series on Manipulation Tactics). In that series, many of the most common manipulation tactics are revealed and discussed. Regretfully, I didn’t originally include a post on “gaslighting”. Hopefully, this post will serve to help remedy that omission.

So I was Googling "I fear I am becoming a complete recluse and it scares me" and I found a tribe member...Hi K-2052

K-2052 or Kenny which will piss him off because I know how much my son gets pissed off when I call him his birth name over his legal renaming of Harvey... Harvey? WTF? Anyway, K-2052 really knows how to express the shit that goes on in, at least my brain. Luckily, I know myself some coding too so I didn't get too lost or bored when he started talking like a coder near the last 1/3 but it is the first half that I really tapped into and shared some deep emotional shit with Kenny, no K-2052. If you are curious here is the link:  https://fighttheurgetofade.com/  I wonder how K-2052 is doing these days??

Ever wonder what being me is like? Or being Autistic? Or what feeling like a fucking freak of nature must be like? This kid, at least to me, since he is somewhere between my two kids ages, is brilliant at expressing the insanity and rationality I wrestle with daily. He's got some amazing final sentences in some of these paragraphs as well. It's LOOOONGGG. If you wonder though take a trip...
"Learning to hide what you love and never outwardly show affection for things or people is a gradual thing, but this event definitely catapulted me towards a personality disorder. I gradually learned to never ever show what I liked for fear someone would destroy it." <<< oh yeah. I 'get' that.

"I'm questioning everything about myself and getting to the heart of what I am. I'm no longer accepting anything from culture, parents, friends, colleagues or society at large that I don't think is rational. I'm not drawing silly lines in the sand but rather maintaining a constant awareness of what I am. I'm to going to be open and have a open mind. I'm going to change, adapt, and constantly refactor myself."

"When you are so different there is no frame of reference to figure life out. I don't suffer from the normal issues. There is no guidebook for being me. I've had to learn everything from trial and error."

SEE? I AM NOT TOTALLY ALONE IN MY WAY OF THOUGHT OR EXPRESSION. IT ONLY FEELS LIKE IT 364 DAYS A YEAR...

INFJ- FINDING JOY- BEING ACCEPTED- GROWING UP- LIVING.

IM JUST TRYIN' TO LIVE MY LIFE OR GET THROUGH IT. NOTHING IS PERSONAL. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT SURVIVAL AND TRYING TO GET AS MUCH AS I CAN OUT OF WHAT I HAVE TO USE. NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS. MY PERSONALITY, MY INTELLECT, MY CONVICTIONS, MY EXPERIENCES, MY DESIRES, MY REJECTIONS HAVE ALL COME FROM DEEP THOUGHT AND CONTEMPLATION. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE. THEY ARE MINE AND ME. THEY ARE EXACTLY AS PRESENTED. I HAVEN'T HIDDEN ANYTHING BECAUSE I CAN'T ANYMORE. SO ACCEPT ME OR REJECT ME BUT DON'T JUDGE MY CHOICES BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T WALKED IN THESE SHOES. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS JOURNEY HAS ALTERED THE WAY I SEE THIS WORLD AND I WAS NEVER REALLY A PART OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE SO TO EXPECT ME TO MANEUVER IT IN A WAY THAT YOU APPROVE OF OR UNDERSTAND IS RIDICULOUS AND CRUEL. IF I COULD DO THAT I WOULD HAVE AGES AGO AND MADE MY LIFE MUCH EASIER. THAT'S JUST BASIC LOGIC.
AS FOR GETTING LAID... I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT. SEX IS LIKE CANDY. IT HOLDS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE. IT'S A PERK BUT NOT A NECESSITY. GIVE ME INTELLECT, GIVE ME PASSION FOR SOMETHING, GIVE ME CONNECTIONS OF VALUE BUT NEVER EVER ASSUME I NEED TO GET LAID. MY LIFE AND HEALTH HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BECAUSE OF SUCH FRIVOLOUS IDEAS AND DESIRES OF OTHERS AND MY OWN. I AM WAY PAST THAT SHIT IN LIFE... I FIND THESE ASSUMPTIONS TO BE LIKE BEING ASKED IF I AM ON THE RAG BECAUSE I HAVE A MOOD OR REACTION SOMEONE DOESN'T FIND DESIRABLE. IT'S WEAK AND UNDERHANDED TO DEGRADE SOMEONE LIKE THAT. I DO MY BEST TO NOT REACT BECAUSE I HAVE AN ARSENAL OF MY OWN, BUT I TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO DISH OUT WHAT I DON'T WANT BACK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S A REAL CHALLENGE AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO CLOSE EVERYTHING OFF JUST TO HOLD IT IN LONG ENOUGH TO PUT OUT THE FIRE. I'VE BEEN TOLD I HAVE QUITE THE UNIQUE TALENT OF USING MY WORDS TO DESTROY A PERSON IF I SO CHOOSE. I KNOW THIS WELL. I CHOOSE TO BE AS RESPONSIBLE AS I CAN. TO NOT ATTACK EVEN WHEN PROVOKED. PLEASE STOP PROVOKING ME. PLEASE. I ACCEPT YOU THE WAY YOU ARE EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I TRY TO ONLY EXPRESS THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WORRY ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS OR THAT AFFECT ME AND I TRY TO DO THAT IN THE MOMENT AND AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE DO THE SAME FOR ME. AND PLEASE TAKE MY WORD WHEN GIVEN, AS FACT. I AM NOT PLAYING GAMES. I AM NOT TRYING TO MIND FUCK ANYONE. I AM NOT TRYING TO GET MORE ATTENTION OR TEST ANYONE. I WILL ASK IF I NEED. I WILL SAY NO IF I DON'T WANT SOMETHING. I WILL SAY YES TO WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN THAT MOMENT. IF I DON'T KNOW THEN I DON'T KNOW. IF I KNOW I WILL TELL YOU OR DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I WON'T PLAY THE SURROGATE PARENT OR MATE HAPPILY FOR THINGS THAT PEOPLE ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF ANSWERING OR DOING ON THEIR OWN. TRY TO DO IT YOURSELF FIRST THEN ASK ME IF YOU CAN'T FIND WHAT YOU NEED BUT DON'T MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LOVED BY ASKING PEOPLE FOR THINGS YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN, THAT SHOULD FEEL DEGRADING NOT GOOD. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT DEGRADING YOUR INTELLECT OR ABILITIES IN EXCHANGE FOR SUCH THINGS. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO MY CHILDREN AND MY FEMALE FRIENDS. YOU ARE NOT MORE ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE YOU PLAY VULNERABLE. SOMETIMES WE ARE VULNERABLE BUT SAVE THOSE TIMES FOR THE REAL STUFF. DO NOT DEVALUE THE VALUABLE EMOTIONS IN LIFE. DO NOT DEVALUE THE REAL ATTENTION YOU ARE GIVEN. DO NOT TWIST OR MISTAKE FAKE ATTENTION FOR REAL ATTENTION. DO NOT THINK THAT I DO NOT SEE THIS. DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM INCAPABLE OF READING BETWEEN THE LINES. DO NOT THINK I HAVEN'T LIVED THIS GAME ALREADY IN SPADES. I HATE IT. I HATED IT. I MASTERED IT A LONGTIME AGO AND I WON'T PLAY IT ANYMORE. IT BORES ME AND IT ANGERS ME AND I FEEL PITY WHEN I SEE PEOPLE DOING IT. VALUE YOURSELF MORE.
I'M SORRY I AM THIS WAY. I KNOW IT IS DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE. I KNOW I AM NOT NORMAL. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNOW I SOUND HURTFUL BUT IT IS NOT MY INTENTION. I AM TIRED OF DEFENDING MYSELF THOUGH. I CAN ONLY PRESENT MYSELF AS I AM. IF I AM NOT ACCEPTED ALL I CAN DO IS PRESENT MYSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN. EXPLAIN MYSELF OVER AND OVER, BUT I'M REALLY TIRED OF DOING THIS AND I AM PRETTY SURE I'M CONSISTENT SO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME OR NOT. IF YOU DO THEN ACCEPTING ME AND NOT TAKING WHO AND HOW I AM PERSONALLY WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE TO START. IF I AM NOT WORTHY OF THAT THEN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE FOR ME AND WE SHOULD PROBABLY DISCUSS HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT. MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY I AM GOOD WITH MYSELF. IT IS ONLY MY INABILITY TO BE UNDERSTOOD THAT EATS ME ALIVE. IT IS THIS THAT MAKES BEING ALIVE SO PAINFUL. WHAT I LACK IS MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL TO MOVE FORWARD. OBSTACLES THAT EXHAUSTED ME AGES AGO THAT KEEP COMING AND ALWAYS BACK TO MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL LACKING'S THAT KEEP ME BOUND TO THIS LIMBO AND THIS DESIRE TO ESCAPE IT AT ANY COST. EVEN WHEN I AM NOT FEELING SAD OR STRESSED I AM FULLY AWARE OF WHAT I LACK AND HOW BOUND I AM AND I THINK ABOUT ESCAPE. THIS IS WHY I WANT THERAPY. ONLY FOR THIS ISSUE. I WANT TO LIVE BUT NOT THIS WAY. NOT IN A WORLD THAT WON'T ALLOW ME TO BE ME OR ONE THAT LACKS ANY JOY. OR ONE THAT TRIES TO DICTATE WHAT JOY I AM OR AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE EXPERIENCING, FOR HOW LONG AND IN WHAT WAY. MOMENTS OF CONTENTMENT ARE GIFTS THAT I CHERISH WHETHER THAT BE DRAWING, MUSIC, DANCING, WATCHING A KDRAMA, RAIN, THE SKY AT NIGHT, SILENCE, LAUGHTER, IN AND OUT, WHATEVER IT IS, I CHERISH THE MOMENTS I GET AND BEING JUDGED FOR THAT MAKES ME REALLY NOT WANT TO BOTHER ANYMORE, OR RATHER HAVING NO ONE SEE THAT AS VALUABLE MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BOTHER ANYMORE BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW. IF IT HOLDS NO VALUE AND PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE SURE I KNOW THAT THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME? NOTHING IS THE ANSWER. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.
I WROTE A LOT. THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN. I GUESS MY LACK OF MEDS IS BRINGING OUT MY WRITING AGAIN. ISN'T IT ODD HOW WHEN MY BRAIN STRUGGLES THE MOST IS WHEN I AM OVERCOME WITH THE MOST NEED FOR EXPRESSION? WAIT. DID THAT MAKE SENSE? WHATEVER. SOMEWHERE IN HERE IT MADE SENSE (IN MY HEAD).

INFJ Traits - “The Protectors”

Positive Traits:

Extremely intuitive

Searchers of hidden meaning

Sensitive and perceptive

Gifted at reading others<< YOU IN TROUBLE! 

Hold strong convictions and beliefs, which they live in accordance with<< STRONG SENSE OF SELF. REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE USE TO STRIVE FOR THIS??

Will not compromise their ideals

Tend to trust their own instincts (and with good reason) – they are usually right and they usually know it<< HA. DAMN STRAIGHT.

Genuinely warm and affirming by nature<< IF THEY LET US.

Typically gentle and caring

Dedicated to finding/achieving the “perfect relationship”<< UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT PERFECTION IS A LIE AND BORING. STRIVING FOR IT A WASTE OF LIFE.

Usually have good communication skills

Tend to be gifted writers

Take commitments very seriously

Seek lifelong relationships

Have very high expectations of themselves and others

Good listeners

Once they are sure a relationship is over, they are usually able to move on

Deep, complex and intense

Artistic and creative

Strive to create an orderly, systematic outer world for themselves<< SO WE CAN SURVIVE IT. IT'S LIKE A FOREIGN WAR TORN COUNTRY FOR US OUT THERE

Constantly defining and re-defining priorities in life<< IT'S CALLED GROWTH SON. TRY IT SOMETIME!

Put lots of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done<< AND THEY WANT TO LABEL US STUBBORN OR PERFECTIONIST FOR THIS. HA!

Operate on an intuitive, spontaneous basis within their inner world

Intuitively “know” things without being able to pinpoint exactly why and without even a thorough knowledge of the subject at hand<< MOST OF US KNOW THE WHY BECAUSE WE TOOK THE TIME TO BE PRESENT AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS EVEN IF WE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE WE WERE DOING THAT. I THINK WE SEEM TO NOT BE PAYING ATTENTION WHEN WE ARE OFTEN THE MOST FOCUSED. IT'S JUST NOT ON WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EXPECT US TO BE FOCUSING ON.

Extremely insightful about people and situations

Most likely of all types to have “psychic” abilities<< DAMN STRAIGHT

Concerned for others’ feelings and careful not to hurt them

Perfectionists<< WE JUST PREFER TO DO IT ONCE AND DO IT RIGHT IF POSSIBLE

Believe in constant growth and are always looking to improve

Can, in some ways, be easy-going<< IF OTHERS WILL ALLOW IT

Natural nurturer – they make loving parents and are likely to have strong bonds with their children

Devoted to and protective of those they care about

Like to work independently<< BECAUSE PEOPLE SUCK

Rarest of all types

Negative Traits:

Tend to hold back part of themselves – can be secretive

Are often hard to get to know, difficult to understand

May not be good with money

Often not good with handling practical, day-to-day concerns

Tendency to believe they’re always right and dismiss/ignore other peoples’ opinions, even before fully hearing them out< SO NOT TRUE. WE MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED ON WHAT IS PRESENTED TO US. IF SOMEONE DOESN'T PRESENT THEMSELVES HONESTLY OR COMPLETELY THEN WTF DO PEOPLE EXPECT? WE ALL MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED ON WHAT IS PRESENTED TO US. EVERYONE DOES OR CHOICES ARE NEVER MADE.

May be prone to depression

Intensely dislike criticism and conflict – tend to internalize conflict and may react to it with heated, explosive anger<<< THIS IS JUST A TOTAL CONTRADICTION. HOW DO YOU INTERNALIZE YET ATTACK? I THINK WE ACCEPT CRITICISM IF WE FEEL IT IS COMING FROM A PLACE OF KINDNESS OR RESPECT AND WE REJECT IT IF WE FEEL IT IS BEING EXPRESSED OUT OF VINDICATION OR SOME OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTION, BUT THIS IS A NORMAL REACTION TO SUCH THINGS IMO.

May have a hard time leaving an unhealthy relationship

May be highly protective of themselves and overly private, only sharing what they want and when they want to share it

Can be stubborn<< DRIVEN. WE ARE DRIVEN.WE STAND BEHIND WHAT WE BELIEVE UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE AND THEN WE ARE HUMBLED. OR AT LEAST I AM.

Rarely at complete peace with themselves – always doubt they are living up to their full potential

Often not good with highly detailed tasks – will either avoid these tasks or go to other extreme and become so enveloped in detail that they lose sight of big picture<< OR WE CREATE A MAP INTERNALLY TO COMPLETE THE TASK IN MANNER THAT IS MOST SUCCESSFUL TO ALL INVOLVED OR THE TASK ITSELF. WE THINK. WE ACTUALLY THINK. SHOCKING RIGHT? 

Strong is the New Pretty. {36 Powerful Images Celebrating what it is to Be a Girl}

Strong is the New Pretty. {36 Powerful Images Celebrating what it is to Be a Girl}

This article caught my eye because, well Evil Knievel and drums were my toys of choice and also my very strong Baby Girl was a tomboy before she suddenly became feminine (mixed with her tomboy!) but then I clicked to read the whole thing and I saw this: Janne Robinson Via Janne Robinson on Apr 13, 2015- Which is odd since my birth name is Jean Robinson and my birthday is April 13...
... and if you read her description at the end you might see a lot of me as well (if I was half my age and hadn't started a family at 20): Janne Robinson is a poet, writer, bushwalker, idealist and animal activist currently residing in Vancouver Island. She cuts kindling with her teeth, eats Bukowski for breakfast and makes the habit of saying the word feminist as much as possible. She surfs naked, pees in the woods, and loves whiskeys that swing their hips when they walk and know what they are doing. >>>>Janne's life-work is to be transparent. She makes a living off hanging her dirty and clean laundry out for the world to see. Her mission is to give others permission to also walk and exist with the same transparency.
The Bukowski reference was the kicker for me... I call this kind of shit synchronicity. My life is filled to the brim with odd connections that are incredibly easy to find; little to no digging needed. Sometimes it is my only affirmation to stay here and breathe longer. The strikingly obvious bread crumbs on this path that make no sense to me and seem so cruel most of the time.But that fucking red line on the map I see when I look back is still there leading me to gawd knows where...

Depeche Mode - Walking In My Shoes (Remastered Video)

BIGBANG - LOSER M/V

Yiruma, (이루마) - River Flows in You

Why Suicide Notes Are So Short (or my theory on it)

  
Just a few months ago I was truly prepared to end my life. In all honesty, I still struggle to fight that urge but I am not in an abusive place now, so I am hoping for better days. Anyway, leaving my kids is the only thing that ever created any true barrier for me and the distance I have had from my kids has meant that I haven’t seen my son in a year or my daughter since June. I have a lot still to say to them before I go and on this particular day I was determined to attempt to get it out, just in case my courage stayed with me. The funny thing is that by the time I had written this ‘note’ I was past the ‘moment’ as well. So, the suicide note, which was really a very long letter saved my life that day. Since I still want to make sure my words get to the people I love, and life is truly unpredictable, as we all should know by now, I have decided to post it here. I am hoping it will a) get to the people I love, but maybe with happiness rather than mourning since I am still here (yay), and b) maybe help someone else decide to write before they make that very final move to end their life. And c) maybe make people understand how suicide is not for the weak as is often stated by people. It takes serious guts and deep dark pain to actually accept the finality and loss of ones life as the only escape left. I am a coward and actually pretty glad about that right now because I am still here, but not too long ago I almost wasn’t... XXOO

To my son:
I love you. I wanted to get things taken care of but it doesn't seem like it's going to happen and I am not sure I can take any more. I hope you have a wonderful life and I want so badly to know that you finally find happiness and your spot in this world. You mean everything to me as does your sister and I am sorry I failed you both but I tried. I promise I tried. All your stuff is in the ‘storage room/our old kitchen room’ and you have 2 boxes on the shelf in the closet in the hallway and the amp is on the floor of the closet. I don't know if I have the guts to end all this right now but either way I want you to know how loved you are.  I am so very proud to have been your mom. You are such a strong young man. I wish I could be there to continue to watch you grow throughout life but it just doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me and I am so tired and have lost the will to keep fighting a losing battle with life and more than that my mother. You lived here so you have some perspective on it but its worse now because I keep failing at getting out of here and she just keeps getting angrier. I can’t take any more of it. I want peace. I need peace, finally.

To my daughter:
I don’t even know where to begin. You are an angel, a super hero, and the most amazing young woman. I never would have expected such a blessing and I still am in awe of you. I don’t know how or why you were given to me but I am thankful for you and proud beyond words. You will go far Grasshopper. You already have. I am so sorry for the pain I am inflicting upon you by doing this but I truly have no answers anymore and I have begged and pleaded and trusted until I have almost no faith in humanity at all anymore. I don’t see this planet being saved unless there are more people like you suddenly inhabiting it and changing the current illness it suffers from. I wish I could be here for you and all the life events both good and bad you will encounter. I was always happiest just being able to be there for you and your brother. I liked feeling useful and loved. You both loved me well. Know that. You couldn’t save me. I am far too gone in this mess to be saved anymore. I am too much trouble and too much of a load I assume. I have tried though and I have asked everyone and I have prepped for far too many moves that never manifested into anything more than another lost person in my life and more reason for your grandmother to bitch at me. She just has zero concept of me as a human being or an adult or a mother or someone who has overcome the many obstacles this life has placed before me from birth (it seems) and she does not at all accept that she has been responsible for anything. I was fine with that when I was not living with her but now it is always a non-stop open wound she must constantly fill with salt by believing that only she suffers and only she knows anything and only she must be understood. Am I not also a person who deserves to be heard and understood? In her eyes the answer is no. This has been verbally expressed. She has stated that flat out to me. My father has stated his lack of love for me as well or at least that ‘if he digs deep enough he might be able to find some love for me,’ quote. 
You my darling, were loved every single moment of your life plus before and always after. Both you and your brother. You guys were never a burden in any way. You both were a blessing and even the harder times were times I would kill to have again. Know that forever and ever. 
Go for your dreams Baby Girl. Take the risks. Love and allow yourself to be loved back but don’t ever lose you in anyone but your kids. Trust me on this. You are just as important as any mate no matter if you feel otherwise due to whatever circumstances they might have. YOU ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT. Don’t lose anything for someone else, just be a good person who takes people into consideration but still has boundaries. I never had boundaries. I let others shit be too important to me and I got lost and they got greedy and I always got the short end of the stick when it ended or at least after Dad. He did me wrong too but not the way Paul or Edo and so on did. Somewhere along the way I stopped taking my power seriously and I set it aside to be ‘supportive’ when I shouldn’t have been. I let my determination to not ‘leave when it got difficult’ ruin me. I was always so strong before and even with Dad I knew when it was over and becoming nothing more than damaging for everyone and then I would leave but then something happened. Dad’s words about leaving when it got tough hit me hard for some reason. I can look back now and see that I never left when it got tough. It was always a struggle. Life is a struggle. I left when it was beyond repair. For some reason I forgot that when I heard Dads words and I got oddly determined to be ‘better.’ I’d say all those years with Paul were me trying to be ‘better’ but you know what? I was perfect the way I was. Dad was hurt and not one to admit his faults. Even Eric said that Dad had checked out way before I actually ended our relationship. Unfortunately, Eric said that right before we moved onto Muirfield and Paul blew my life to shit. It was already too late for me. 
I am telling you this because its advice I want you to know and an example I figure you might understand. It is not to bad mouth Dad. I am so thankful he has been there for you and he came and took Cameron away from this ugly spiteful place. Dad has a hard time with empathy but his heart is there. He loves you deeply. He isn’t great at expressing it in healthy ways and he can be pretty damn mean at times but he loved the shit out of you right from the womb. He’s got his own damage he may never deal with so try to take that in when he hurts you. It’s not you he’s being hard on but himself. You are amazing and I think he had dreams too and I think that he see’s you in all your glorious beauty and a part of him hurts and yearns for those days when his dreams were still acquirable and alive. 
My advice is to go for happy not safe, but use a bit of caution too. Balance is the key. Don’t spend your life acquiring money and shit because you miss out on living by focusing too much on making the money and not enough on enjoying your family and friends and life in general. Dance around and sing loudly. Laugh at yourself when you do something embarrassing. It’s easier to let it go that way. I’ve always been clumsy so I know this well. There is no point in spending even one extra second on something that has happened that you can’t go back and change. You can examine it to find lessons and understanding but don’t let it eat at you. Don’t let the ugly people have any more of you than they have already gotten. If you trip in public it’s cool. If nothing else you managed to amuse someone for a moment. It’s not life altering. 
If you become a parent someday be respectful of that little persons ideas, needs and desire to be heard. Give them some respect right off the bat. Show them they matter no matter what age they are and they have a voice that should be heard. This doesn’t mean spoil the shit out of them and give them everything they want. It means give them a strong sense of self as early as possible yet still create the needed boundaries to keep them safe. I think respect breeds respect as does trying to lead by example when you can. That’s not always easy in life but if you do what you truly feel is right then you can sleep at night whether things go as planned or not. It’s the integrity and intention put into things and decisions that we should focus on. You have to see people acting these things out though. Never take it purely on words. Words are too easy. They are rather cheap in the end. Action is so loud. Good or bad your gut and peoples actions should keep you safe as long as you stay true to trusting yourself. I stopped doing that at Paul. BAD MOVE. TRUST THAT GUT BABY. This is good advice for all relationships you have in life including professional, personal, family based, friendships and romantic ones. 
Never apologize for asking questions when you need help or answers. People are so insanely determined to pretend they know everything already that they just stop learning and growing and they become such painfully unhappy people or angry. So ask. They might not answer or tell you what you want to hear but ask anyway. The best people in your life will kindly tell you the truth and not what you want to hear. You can trust the people who do this with love but not the ones who do it with anger or any negativity in their answers. These are damaged people that will not bother to be considerate when it is needed most. There are many of these people in the world. Be careful. 
We are all so complex on the surface but underneath we are pretty simple and most people are carrying around a lot of pain and hurt that they refuse to either deal with or accept as something that happens in life and it needs to be placed somewhere or let go of and not used to justify being unkind or weak or vengeful. Most of our ‘baggage’ is stuff we refuse to let go of and not anything we can change. Shit happens and it sucks but in most cases life goes on. My predicament is rare. I have moved on so many times in life so I know the difference. If you have the necessities of life and a friend you can trust who is there for you when you need them or a mate or anyone like that then you will manage. You will be blessed even if in that moment you don’t see it clearly. I was unhappy for a decade or more of being with Paul but I wasn’t miserable until my mom moved in and I had both of them to contend with. I never thought about suicide in any real way until we moved to the house with grandma before Muirfield. I had blessings in you and your brother, so I didn’t feel as unhappy as I would have had it just been Paul and myself. I stayed with him for a few reasons, one being that I was determined for you and Cameron to have what I didn’t which was a home. One place you called home for a long time. My mom moved me more than 30 times by jr high. I wasn’t going to have that for you guys. Secondly, I was worried about him. I was worried about his instability and his suicidal tendencies and although I wondered about him and Angie I had no proof to base that nagging feeling on so I ignored it as much as possible. Another big mistake, but in hindsight I am pretty sure Paul was cheating through the entire 13+ years. I see things now that didn’t make sense then but now suddenly make perfect sense knowing what I now know about the depth of his sadistic shit. I’d give anything to change that but as I said, you can’t change what has already been done. Angie should have told me when Paul was hitting on her. Since she didn’t I only have two logical reasoning’s; she either liked it and participated or she wanted to make sure I was there for her to use. Either way it was so wrong and she was like family to me so it was deeper than anything to me. She knew and she didn’t tell me. I had all that money and she knew and I could have so easily left him and she said nothing. And I told her everything. She knew how unhappy I was with him and she knew I was staying because I was worried about his mental health but had I known he was doing the things he was doing I would have gladly, and happily left with zero guilt or concern for him. She held the key and she hid it for her own selfish reasons just as he did what he did for selfish reasons. She hurt me worse in my heart. He was never much of a person filled with integrity and I was never one to take romantic relationships and believe that they were fairytales. Friendships though? People I looked at as a family member? They were different. Their indifference has been the most painful of all. Use your gut where these people are concerned in your life. I was lonely. Angie was my only friend so I let my gut eat me alive and I kept her in my life. She had a way of inspiring me at times and I liked that about her but she hurt me a lot too and that killed me, still I kept her in my life. It was wrong of me to do and it was really wrong of her to not tell me what she knew. In other words, it was a bad ‘friendship’ but I am grateful for getting the desire and drive to go back to school from watching her graduate. 
Whew. I am trying to cover so much. I’m sorry I keep going on about Paul but I guess I am trying to use examples to express everything as well as possible. And trying to make sure that you and your brother never ever for a single moment feel any guilt or responsibility for my actions. You two are the only reason I have survived this long here with my mom. I wanted to die the second we moved stuff in and I didn’t want to come back here after the first load. I tried to kid myself into believing we might find some common ground or peace between us but your grandmother is determined to be a victim and in control no matter how much she fucks up. She see’s nothing in me of any value. She loves you and holds a grudges against Cameron for growing up and having autism making him not what she expects him to be. Dad is like that too, but I like my son. He is tougher to understand but he doesn’t lack anything he just expresses things in ways that are not always acceptable to people. He is growing but people have to understand how he is doing things in his own time and that he lacks many of life’s experiences that others have early on in life. In relationships, he is lacking the understanding of feeling things in the moment that will pass and that expressing those things in unkind ways is not acceptable because they are momentary. Does that make sense? He can be a lot kinder than you probably realize but he also just moves on without thought to others at times too. It can be painful but when it matters, you might be surprised at how giving he can be. He won’t admit this as he sees these things as weaknesses but he is a really good man. He just processes and expresses differently and people have to work harder to get that but he’s worth it because he is rather smart and funny once you get past the shield he puts up to protect himself. 
What else? What else? Dylan is amazing. At least as far as I can tell. I hope you guys stay happy, but if not that too will pass and you will move on as you always have. You’re strong but you are so very soft too. I hope you surround yourself with people who appreciate that about you and that understand your value, and people who will not assume that your strength means you do not need support or help. Everyone needs support and help. Nothing that we do or achieve is ever 100% alone, ever. Someone somewhere has always contributed to the process. Life is about connections and disconnections and more connections. 
Life is full of people and things that will let you down but in most cases, there is always someone or something that helps you through it. Try not to take advantage of that person or thing. Appreciate them or it and express that appreciation when you can. Good people need to know that someone recognizes their goodness. Crappy people need to be shown that they are transparent and that they hold no power over you as well. You see them but you refuse to give them anything they haven’t earned. Every moment in life is a choice we make even when the choices are shit or there are very few of them to choose from. Sadly, people think this means that we should not hold others responsible for their actions, but that is wrong. People who hurt others are responsible for that pain although sometimes their choices where shitty too and they chose the least shitty one and that hurt someone else, other times people just choose what is easiest for them without any thought at all to how it affects others and that isn’t justifiable, it’s selfish. Never punish yourself for the selfish choices of these people. Always stay true to you even when everything is shit as long as you have your integrity and you can love yourself (which you should unless you are an asshole) you can sleep at night and hold your head high no matter what crap people are dishing out. Their damage is NOT a reflection on you but of their own weaknesses, when it is inflicted on others and hurtful. You still stay the same amazing human you have always been. That is as long as you live consciously. 
I have more but I am suddenly empty of knowledge to share. I will continue this later, I hope. If not know how deeply you are loved and how enormously pride I am to have had you and your brother as my children. 
To Everyone:
Life has been like being on a raft in the middle of the ocean with sharks tapping and banging on all sides. This is what being proactive these last few years has felt like. When I stopped being proactive, due to a total and complete lack of positive results, the tapping mostly stopped so that I am now just floating toward my demise but without all the anxiety and fear. Everyone seems to have an opinion on this, as if almost 3 years of trying is not nearly enough abuse and expended energy. As if, all the failures and losses mean nothing. Of course, all my failures and losses do mean nothing to everyone else. All they amount to to others is a viable reason to judge me and to tell me what I am doing wrong or to guilt me into continuing to be in agony and alone. This is as if all these people with their friends and families and mates and incomes and vehicles and such would not lie down and die if they found all of this suddenly stolen from them. As if, they would do better than I have. As if just sleeping in a bed alone does not paralyze the majority of these people who judge me and try to guilt me into continuing this horrible existence, not to mention not being touched at all for YEARS at a time. Add being berated by their family and abandoned by those people that they gave the most of themselves to for decades. The people that don’t even think of you anymore unless they need something. Otherwise, you are just a distant memory. So why live? Why continue to have verification of ones invisibility? Why carry around so much desire to be valued yet have a never-ending stream of verification that you are not. Knowing that your value is directly related to someone else’s desires and needs and knowing you have nothing left to give because they took it all already and knowing that you are an inconvenience to everyone. That when they were in need you did not make them feel inconvenient. That you gave and did often when you did not always want to or really have it to expend, but you still gave. I am by no means a saint. I have been selfish and unkind the same as everyone else but I have worked very hard to make amends and to learn and remember and do better, be better. I have tried to share that wisdom with others as well. I have tried to lead by example as much as possible and to really take time to evaluate before reacting. That is a lot of hard work and consciousness but it is worth it because I love me. The only part of me I hate is the part that is weakened by everyone else. The part that can’t totally defend itself against the bullshit of the masses. The part people like my mother use to make themselves feel big and in control at any cost whatsoever. It disgusts me. 
I’m tired. I can’t seem to tolerate the attacks anymore. I shake and just start losing control of my mind now. I want to break things. I want to destroy everything. I want to burn it all down. I want to not be anymore. I have so much to express yet I am aware that only a handful of people in a lifetime are invested in me enough to care and they too don’t really understand and I don’t know how to express it well enough to take the pain away I am causing by ending the nightmare. People just need to know that I didn’t cop-out or take the easy way out. There was nothing easy about any of this and ending ones life with any thought at all, is the most difficult thing to do but the option of a slow long torturous life is worse. If I had the courage, I would have ended it much earlier but I get the pills in my hand or the razor into my skin and I panic. The finality of it is beyond understanding until you are in it. It’s that finality that has pulled me back from sweet peace. All the never will be’s and never will see’s. The idea of just suddenly not existing. It’s why I have never taken other peoples deaths well. I cannot quite grasp how a living breathing person can just stop being suddenly. If you are reading this though than I guess I managed to find enough courage to accept the finality of it. 

THANK THE UNIVERSE AND GODS AND EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT THE LAST LINE IS NOT A FACT TODAY! I’M REALLY GLAD I WASN’T READY TO ACCEPT THE NOTHINGNESS OF DEATH. 

YOU ARE WORTHY

To my kids and to everyone else who has ever been told or it has been implied, that they are 'less than' capable of achieving a dream or deep desire. Only people who fear failure will put such worthless shit upon the shoulders of a warrior preparing to go to war in this ruthless world. Particularly, a person who is on a path leading to ones dream becoming reality (no matter the length of that dream). Failure is nothing more than proof that one has the balls to practice what they 

preach and the internal strength to get up and move on with their head held high (and lessons learned duly-noted as well). It also shows internal integrity, because what anyone externally thinks of us (beyond our children and for some, their family/mates) should never alter our path if it is a deep guttural journey we are pursuing. 

I let someone else's words echo so loudly in my head that I made decisions I would have never had made otherwise (in past action patterns at least). From there, I let my pride and my Aries drive to conquer what I perceived as a defect in me based on this one persons words that would not loosen their hold on me become it's own force. That my friends is how the Paul fiasco managed to go on for 14 years not counting the year and half I lived there after the fact.
NEVER AGAIN. EVER.
E
V
E
R
So, listen to what you are saying to one another and be present when saying it AND if what someone is saying to you feels like they are stabbing you to death then they probably are in a manner of speaking. Would you stand there and let someone stab you in reality without fighting back? Probably not. Fight, bite, spit and run if you must but do not let anyone kill your dreams or damage your soul willingly.

Miserable Immoral NonBelievers

At least we keep good company. 

For me it is believing in me and others, laughter and sincerity, empathy and logic. More than anything else though, it is refusing to accept to be a sheep and to base all my rights, choices, emotions, reactions, wants and needs on anything outside of me and my truths. I'm a good enough person to fully trust myself to make these decisions and expend my energies on what I believe to be right and worthy. I don't need anyone 'above me' in any form, be it celestial or hierarchical, class or educational, age or gender to lead me. I'll look for the wisdom around me and inside me to choose. I will continue to observe and compare and weigh and dissect and repair, rebuild and tear down again until I feel the depth of truth has been hit... and then I will continue to observe, just in case. 

People are difficult and unique enough to keep an observer busy for many lifetimes. Why we create so much outer conflict and chaos is beyond me. There is so much to occupy us if we just watch and listen.

Yadda yadda... coffee and Adderall have not quite hit yet. It all makes sense to me though and that is what matters.

The Suicide Theory Official Trailer (2014) - Nicholas G. Cooper Thriller...

Five star movie in my opinion and that was having already figured out most of the story line. It's rare I still like a movie this much if I know the twists (or think I do). I don't know why it is rated a thriller though. I found it to feel more like an independent psychological movie but what do I know?

Oh yeah, and it is streaming on Netflix if you feel like checking it out!

“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?” 
― Voltaire, Candide: or, Optimism

And That FB Friend is on A Fucking Roll at Pissing Me Off.

My previous post was about this 'FB friend' and his obsession with what I call self-help guru gods or in other words, The Blind leading the sheep as far as their pockets are deep. OK, that was a stupid line but minimal brain function at the  moment and too much pain as well. Plus, I wasn't signed on to the interwebs for more than 2 minutes before I was forced to write the reply that this post is actually about but my A.D.D. brain has once again driven me off course a bit. (Big breath)
So, I told my mom I am moving out. I sent the email like 4 days ago. She read it last night. In true form she has gone into illogical land and decided to be shocked and hurt rather than elated as she has been drilling into me her deep desire for me to (and I quote) 'get the fuck out of her house so she can have her fucking life back and her friends will stop avoiding her and she can enjoy her life that she hates now BECAUSE OF ME.' Unquote, although a mash-up of quotes it is... So before bed I posted this on my FB page and then took a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my shit:

MY POST: I give my mom exactly what she wants and she has the audacity to be 'hurt and shocked'????? WTF?? A true narcissist (narcopath) in action my friends. No way to win. No way to satisfy them. Always being victimized even by the people they control. It's almost comical. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! Breathe...
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FRIEND likes this.

REPLIES:

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>
Your mother is "hurt and shocked" over a gift ?
Like · Reply · 10 hrs <<< MY QUESTION HERE IS WHY ARE THEY COMMENTING ON SOMETHING THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T GRASP? WHY NOT ASK TO CLARIFY? WHY THEN GO ON TO COMMENT AGAIN??????????????????  WHY?!!!!! THEY ASKED FOR IT...

FRIEND She's always seemed happier with an audience.
Like · Reply · 1 · 7 hrs

FRIEND You can't please everybody, now is the time for you to think of yourself.
Like · Reply · 1 · 6 hrs

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>> 
It may end up better for your own peace, to forgive your mother. If she has narcissistic tendencies, she may be unaware of it. Your parents can die at any moment.
Like · Reply · 6 hrs · Edited  <<<<<<The Comment that pushed me over the edge this morning AND THE EXACT REASON WHY I choose to be an introverted fucking recluse (not now as now is forced but I'll be good with like 1-5 friends. If that. Fuck this shit)

THIS IS ME REPLYING>>> 
The 'gift' is that I am moving. I am giving her exactly what she has been drilling into me almost 24/7 as her deepest desire for the past 2 years. And PLEASE, please, stop giving me advice. I haven't known you long enough to have the patience to hear it and I don't do the 'guru doctor' this says, or 'they say to yadda yadda' thing. 
My life. 
My experience and not the easily categorized and labeled life either. 
So again, as I asked you before; no almost begged you, STOP IT. Everyone dies btw (thanks for the attempt to guilt me into accepting the unacceptable). No one should hold more value where that statement is concerned as everyone has some value to someone somewhere but that is no excuse to accept abuse. NO EXCUSE. And if that is what you tell yourself and others then you are accepting your self worth as less than... and that is all you. Not someone else using and abusing you. Parents and relatives ARE NOT specially licensed to abuse. They get no special 'get out of jail' cards giving them free reign to do so without repercussions. The only person that can do that is you. Anyway, I didn't plan on going to sleep to her shit and waking-up to the guilt fest of eminent death but thanks for the wake-up call.

This reply I did post.

The previous reply (on my previous blog post) I never posted on FB because I was attempting to be a kind and empathetic person who would try to 'let it go' a bit but people are like a manufacturing line of the exact same product. They are so god damn predictable that I just want to scream and break things until I accidently cut an artery and bleed the fuck out. Sweet relief. I can count on one hand the number of people with unique minds that interest me that I know. My kids are two of them. That's 40% of the people. 
I have a week and then I can leave here. I'm elated and freaked out and totally losing my shit trying to sit in this fucking room and wait and now I get to dread my mothers eventual explosion too. Well, at least that will make the staring at the walls and tv a bit more enticing. I need coffee... later people. Or person. Or dead air and crickets. 

Wayne Dyer was just another person. He was not a God. He was just human like everyone else.

A friend on FB posted this quote today. He is a BIG follower of Wayne Dyer (like FOLLOWER in all caps) and I guess he took his death pretty hard but that is beside the point... anyway, he posted this quote today and it seemed to be aimed at me, so I did what I do; I commented on it! I have zero patience anymore for having this discussion with people but on occasion I just can't not have a say. It may have not been aimed at me but my gut seemed to think otherwise. My gut is pretty accurate. I'm just sayin'!

""Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality." Wayne Dyer."

Tell that to someone who is literally starving or being abused. I'm not kidding. Life and it's experiences can not be summed up and presented in a pretty and clean box or sentence that makes everyone's heart a flutter with hope and washes away the dirtiness of it. You can not preach 'be strong in YOU!' and such, and in the same breath try to wash away or devalue the facts of some people's reality by basically shaming them for not seeing how they 'have everything they need already! ' Only people who haven't been without, or sheep, can truly support this way of dehumanizing and devaluing the reality of human life. It's funny how they don't do this with animals though. You never see commercials telling animals that they have everything they need while showing film and photos of them starving and/or bloody and beaten and such... isn't that odd? I mean to me it isn't because I know the money machine works by hitting the weak spot in people. It works by convincing these people and their great desire to be saved that if they just FOLLOW... if they just BELIEVE... if they ignore and turn away from anything that rubs against the words being PREACHED (religiously or not)... if it isn't pleasant than let's just devalue it by pretending it can be solved immediately and simply if that person or those people would just do it this way or that... LOL. This frustrates me to no end. The hypocrisy is so alarmingly obvious, and yet people believe what tidies up their little world.  I get that is human behavior but it doesn't have to be if people choose otherwise by opening their eyes and mind to the bigger, messier view. I'm just sayin'!! 

Now I am wavering on posting my reply on his post. He's one of those fragile people that are 'suffering' although they have everything and more to survive comfortably but they lack backbone or internal strength or whatever you want to call the black hole that some people use to excuse everything in their life or to blame everything in their life on. He has done much like my mom has done, except he has gone in search of his guru. Again, looking for someone else to fix him rather than looking inward and finding the tools to heal his own wounds permanently. This whole planet is held together by bandages. It can't hold on forever while leaking from the wounds that never properly healed. Not people nor this planet can be fixed without proper healing. At best we end up with a gimpish (defective) society and a jimmy rigged planet just waiting to crash and burn.
STOP BANDAGING YOUR WOUNDS AND START HEALING THEM INSTEAD!!!! Fuck. How is this not common knowledge? How is this logic, not logical? When did everyone become so drunk on the kool-aid????? 
WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!

Even the gif I found to use was from another guru of the past... too funny. 
Too sad. 
Too real, huh?

My curse, or my salvation?

Although I have never really thought about this in this context (being conscious of doing this), seeing this post suddenly made me aware of the fact that I do this naturally, as in, like a habit. It's a coping mechanism that creates empathy rather than rage in most cases. Most assholes are hurt, angry or lonely children on the inside. This does not justify bad behavior but it helps to defuse anger in reaction to them and their tactics. 

It may be my curse, or my salvation but I am pretty damn sure it is why I haven't gone out and retaliated or just hurt the people who so completely deserve some form of 'payback' or 'reaction of which I stand up for myself or my value.' Basically, I use my words (here mostly) and only occasionally day dream about my bare hands and normal versions of retaliation. Most times, I really wish I could be the person who values themselves enough to not be so got damn logical and empathetic. But, I wouldn't be me anymore and I still like myself. So fuck'em. 

Found on FB

Way to ride the hypocrisy train

Wow! 
Damion, dude. 
Way to get down with the hypocrisy! Oh yee who hollers of the lack of integrity in the people surrounding him! Congrats on the new gig reporting on music you claimed to hate and have no knowledge of either. Even better is seeing that you are reporting on bands I grew up with in Orange County specifically, that you poo poo'd when they were just something I enjoyed. I guess now that they are paying your bills and shit you have suddenly 'seen the light?' 
Bullshit. 
You're two-faced and a sell out. At least you don't challenge or surprise me at all anymore. How embarrassed I am until I realize that at least I got out and stayed out. Some of those other chicks are seriously delusional. You are as transparent as they come and your actual depth is about as deep as your ability to love anyone but yourself. Gawd but you do put on a spectacular show in the first weeks. Thankfully, it didn't take long to see the pattern and the pain and the complete and utter fear your life is driven by, and I pity you but that's about it. 
You're so self-absorbed that even befriending you was impossible without being lied to, used and spit on regularly. You my ex-friend have some serious shit to work out in your past before you have any right to bring anyone into your personal hell. What a sad lonely way to choose to live. 
And thank you, THANK YOU for not contacting me when your last known bullshit story failed as predicted. I have a serious issue with caring about people who don't deserve my time, energy or care, but I think I have finally hit the line that will stop me from continuing to do that. So again, thank you. One less person to worry about. One less person to have to watch my back around. One less person whose bullshit I will pretend to believe while I try to figure out how to help. Some people, no many people just don't have the tools to grow up or the depth to empathize sincerely with anyone else. I've been saved! Hallelujah! 

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

Waking Times

Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend.

The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested.

The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you.

The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to samsaric heavens.

The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities.

 ~ Excerpted from the Sigalovada Sutta

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