Just... Be You.

“ You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

Just Maybe...

Keep Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

WTF Has Happened To Family?

My son has 9 aunts and uncles. NINE. How is it even possible that we can't find one person to extend a hand to us or just him? His father is dead and I have been fully responsible for him for 26 years. No child support. No weekends off. Nothing, and I wouldn't change that, but right now I need to get my son a place away from here and not a single person has extended a hand. Not for me and not for him. Now, that is not to say that a few amazing people have not sent a bit of money so we didn't starve back in January/February, but that has been it. Unfortunately, we need more help than that.
Now here is the real bitch. If I don't get him out of here then he will be the person who finds my dead body. I have considered committing myself, but I can't leave him here to starve with my mother and her insanity. He can't even drive. I can only hold on so long. I have no real desire to die but I must get away from the poison because the poison makes my mind say, "Do it. End it. Do it now or keep suffering." I'm not sure how many people truly understand the emotional and verbal abuse of a parent, particularly the mother. It is nothing like the abuse of any other person. A parent hits every single weak spot a child has. After all, they were the ones who created those holes in their childs soul in the first place. And in my case, I have not done anything to create this illogical animosity towards me. I was a pretty damn great child and teen. I never was in trouble for my own actions, although all through school I was truant due to my inability to get to school based on my parents drug abuse and fighting and tearing out the wiring on the car to avoid escape and such. I didn't do drugs, get pregnant, drink (although I tried but it wasn't for me), steal, etc. I continue to be that same person. In the 6 months we have been here I have not borrowed a penny, stolen, eaten her food, brought a single guest over, used any other part of her house except the kitchen possibly 10 times and one load of laundry a week. Two if it was longer between loads. I have given here every extra dime I have had, which granted hasn't been much but for us it has been loads. She spent a year and a half living with us, running our utilities up, causing horrible relationship strife, neighbor feuds that led to weekly visits from the county housing and codes guy, and on and on and yet she thinks she owes me nothing and that the disaster of my life these past two years was somehow created to hurt HER. To make HER suffer. To ruin HER life. WTF?
She hasn't acknowledged my pain or loss in any way whatsoever. I lost EVERYTHING. Emotionally, materialistically, dignity, physically I have suffered more than she could imagine, yet it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
So this went a bit off topic, which was getting my son somewhere safe and comfortable so I can go try to save my life, but it helps to clarify why I am in this state of mind. So there ya go...
Anyway, 9 aunts and uncles. NINE. 

No Child.

No child should have to bleed to survive a parents need to control.
No parent should turn a blind eye and let their own child die, for control.
And, although a child has given everything they can, forgiven the unforgivable and continued to do for that parent what they could, no parent should conveniently forget those acts and sacrifices. Not for control. Not for attention. Not for power or sympathy.
A parent such as this should thank the gods that their child continues to care for them, because when that child has bleed all that they can and have succumed to all the abuse and disrespect, who will that parent turn to? Who will they have left to abuse and destroy to appease their sick needs? Who will they manipulate? And will be left to love them?
No one.

So fuck you.

That One Color

Depression is like trying to not see a color while locked in a room where everything is painted that particular tone. Even when you close your eyes... the color bleeds through. There is no escape. No matter how many other pigments you remind yourself exist, no matter how many people describe all the other hues, all you can see anymore it THAT ONE COLOR.

All I see around me is this glow. When I close my eyes, it seeps its way in. When I am reminded of the rainbow I can not grasp the image long enough for it to take. To imbed itself in me again. And when it goes, everything becomes an even more intense version of THIS ONE COLOR.

Angus and Julia Stone - For You

FOR MY BABIES.

The Indigo Evolution Full Length Documentary Indigo children

Being a Female In a Desperate Situation

Being a female in a desperate situation is nothing like being a male in the same situation. I am awestruck by the audacity of men and their ideas and versions of 'helping' which all include this expectation because I am a female. I know men who are drug users and make the same bad choices over and over and over again and they never run out of friends to lend a hand or offer money and places to stay and cars. It is fucking INSANE, yet all I have had is men who think I will give my dignity away for a god damn day out of this hell or a 'chance' to have a better life, but a cage is a fucking cage. Been there Honey, lived that. One is no better than the other.

So, in the end there is nothing but pain, loneliness and betrayal. For us women anyway. No wonder I spent almost my entire life wishing I was a man. 

Welcome to one of my many nightmares.

Luther: Season 1: Episode 1.4 Did I Just Miss A Bullet?

I am having a REALLY bad week, or weeks; plural. Hell, months, years... whatever. Anyway, my coping skills become more and more limited. Netflix and a razor are pretty much all that keep me going these days. So after 166 episodes of Bones, which was excellent btw, I am now watching BBC's Luther.

In episode 1.4 I was taken aback by the realization that I may have dodged a horrifying bullet. If you choose to watch the episode then I will ask you to focus on the scene where Linda is brought into the interrogation room. Listen to her tell how long and why she stayed with this man. Connect to the way he manipulated her into staying with his threats of suicide and his attempts as well... that was me. Now, that isn't much in itself. I mean for normal people it might be but in my life it really is just a small beast. What is terrifying is the path her husband eventually pursues. What is terrifying is that much of that path reflects the horrific things my ex was writing about doing on a very public website.

So here I was being manipulated in the same way as this character by a person writing about stalking and raping women. Did I dodge a bullet when I figured it all out or did he stage everything to attempt to save himself from eventually acting out on his writings? Or, did he act any of those writings out and I just don't know about it? Or, did he act them out sexually with people he was sleeping with to detour from actually doing the things he wrote about? Either or, it is terrifying to imagine. It is why I sent my daughter away as soon as I found the writings. It is one of the many reasons I am so horribly broken today.

Welcome to one of my many nightmares... 

So done.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

“When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“Many kids, it seemed, would find out that their parents were flawed, messed-up people later in life, and I didn't appreciate getting to know it all so strong and early.”
― Aimee Bender, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

Agendas Suck.

I'm am so tired of interacting with people who have a goal, which is to be with me, and in that they disregard all pertinent information that detours from that goal. For example, when I say that I can not tolerate being a passenger in a vehicle and then they repeatedly ask me to go on long drives to places with them. They do not offer to let me drive, they just keep attempting to make plans with me to go places. So, after repeating myself a few times I am then forced to make shit up. I hate having to do this.

If I am sick then why would someone keep trying to get me to do things with them? I AM SICK. How difficult is this to comprehend? If I say that my daughter is very busy with school and work then why offer to drive me to see her when you know SHE IS BUSY and I GET CAR SICK? I know that on some level this is a person attempting to be considerate, but at the same time, this is more of a person who has an agenda. I am sick to death of people and their agendas. Is there no one left with heart? Or is it all about the agenda today?

If you have a desire to help a person, then you help. You do not attach an agenda to it. That is blackmail. That is manipulation. Only if a person agrees to trade one for the other are they obligated to anything. If a person accepts work from another then all the person making the offer should expect is that the person doing the work put the required effort into that work expected. There should not be expectations beyond that. There is a very sick flaw in todays world that everyone is either a pimp or a prostitute. Why? Since when? I don't owe anyone my heart, body, time or mind just because they have offered to give me a bit of work. I should only owe my time agreed upon and a good work ethic while doing it.

If I was capable of pimping myself out then I would be doing pretty damn good right now, but I can't and I won't.

Rant over for now...

No Apologies.

santa-barbara-shooter-elliot-rodgers-six-dead-ucsb-campus THIS IS A NARCISSIST BEHIND THE MASK

THIS is a narcissist. Watch it. Learn it. Run away from it. Even with the level of cheesiness you can see here, they are dead serious and deadly. If you live with one, run as fast as you can as soon as you can. It took me forever to get away and I won't ever be the same. So you just go if you can get away, and don't look back. If you can't get away try to find help. Please.

http://hollywoodlife.com/2014/05/24/santa-barbara-shooter-elliot-rodgers-six-dead-ucsb-campus/ 


"Attorney Shifman said the Rodger family called police several weeks ago after being alarmed by YouTube videos "regarding suicide and the killing of people" that Elliot Rodger had been posting.

Police interviewed Elliot Rodger and found him to be a "perfectly polite, kind and wonderful human," but noted that he had few friends and no girlfriend, he added. Police did not find a history of guns."

http://news.yahoo.com/sheriff-calif-gunman-killed-3-people-home-005331176.html  

You're all becoming cannibals because you are too scared to fight back; to expose yourself as human.

Someone told me that my "life is too screwed up to even have online friends." OUCH. That hurt, and pissed me off. Particularly since I gave a few very clear outs near the beginning of our interactions. This is another theme I am seeing in my life path.

No matter how open, clear, fully disclosed I am with people, they never take the out during the safe zone. They wait. They wait until they know they have made some form of connection, and then they severe it or do something horrible, unforgivable to destroy it. Is control really that important today? Or should I say, 'false control?' Yes, they have actively affected my life, but a) in a pitiful, sad, pathetic way and b) I still have the power to make choices and decisions. They might be choices or decisions based on a few really crappy options, but they are still mine.

Anyway. This person disappointed me. Hell. Almost everyone disappoints me these days; myself included.

It really wasn't that long ago that the world was filled with people who made groups of friends that they could trust and lean on. They made a damn television show based on the concept, for gawds sake. I think it was one of the longest running sitcoms at some point as well. I could be wrong. What I am not wrong on though is the transformation in the world.

This new way of life isn't a positive. It is leading to mob mentality, savage and angry, overstressed groups of people just trying to make sense of it all. Extremists. Hungry, poor, exhausted people who might finally have access the healthcare they so badly needed, but still can't afford the gas or upkeep on a vehicle to get to it. Food we can't afford to buy or allow ourselves to think about the risk we are taking by eating it in the first place. A place where growing a garden or your own food is a crime as is being homeless, poor, sick, needy.

This my friends is the bigger picture of control. This is the parent leading by example. This is what everyone should be focusing their control issues on... our government, state and other political arenas. Instead we have become cannibals.

Eating each other alive.

Grasping for survival.

No mercy.

No humanity.

Everyone for themselves.

I've Been Looking For This my Entire Life

The Opposite of Loneliness

I have only found it momentarily in the family I created and then lost. And now I find myself again searching for the opposite of loneliness....

Synchronistic Moments- My Life is Filled with them

Synchronistic Moments

"Synchronistic moments feel like grace, as they induce in us the feeling that we are right where we are supposed to be. Being numinous, synchronicities have a strong feeling component and emotional charge, which is both an expression of while simultaneously flowing into, influencing and altering the surrounding field of consciousness. A manifestation of the field as a whole, synchronicities are a field phenomenon, and to receive their full blessing we need to relate to them as such. Synchronicities are a reflection of the deeper, underlying nonlocal field of consciousness waking up to itself through us. The gift of synchronicity cannot be realized from the point of view which imagines we exist as a separate person who is “other” than the field in which we are arising. Jung and his patient’s shared synchronistic event was a living experience of being connected to something greater than themselves. Synchronicities are acute outbreaks of the archetypal, collective mind-field crystallized into our personal sphere through the third-dimensional medium of time and space."

So does this mean that I am right where I should be? What does it lead to? Will I live to see the day it all comes together or will it kill me in the process? Oh the conundrum. 

HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

depression comix

Killswitch Engage - In Due Time [OFFICIAL VIDEO] (With lyrics)

"In Due Time"



Pacing aimlessly,

With my mind in unrest

Unsure of what may come.

What have I done to bring this down on me? 

Helpless to make this undone



All in due time, see the world through different eyes.

All in due time, the shadows will give way to light.



How much more can I give of myself,

as these walls close in on me? 

As I slip down into this despair

(into this despair),

There is nothing to attain



What victory

(what victory)

When my soul is weak,

(is weak)

where does my help come from? 



All in due time, see the world through different eyes.

I see the world through different eyes.

All in due time, shadows will give way, give way to light.



All that we suffer through leads to determination.

The trials we all go through gives us the strength to carry on.

Something within us burns, desire feeds the will to live. 

A reason to believe I will see redemption.



All in due time, see the world through different eyes

I see the world through different eyes

All in due time, the shadows will give way to light.

All in due time.

NAMASTE'

Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him? It's all true, except the friends being trustworthy one!

Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him?:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.


If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.


A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.


Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.


Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.


A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her. <<< Well, this one is wrong. Most middle-aged women, right now, in this particular place in the world, are doing what men do; hiding behind a mask to be someone else they wish they could be but don' want to risk or work to be that person. So she can't really trust anyone fully, but the blow to the system when she finds out is far less shocking than when she was younger and jaded.


Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.


A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.


Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.


Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.


Ladies, I apologize.


For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Blah Blah Blah= Update

I imagine a day when I can come to this place and write about all the great things happening in my life and around me. For now, just more shit. 

We just figured out that my sons unemployment ends June 15th. Uh yeah, it would be lovely if they bothered to put that date on his stubs rather than the end date. The end date is what we thought was, well, the end date for his UE benefits. It isn't. The real end date is at 26 weeks, not the date on every single damn stub. For all the useless crap they have typed on the useless stubs, since it is all online these days, you would think they might consider THAT date the REAL end date, to be important enough to put there as well. Just another fucked up part of the illogically run system. Not shocking but again, another hit for the people just trying to survive. 

So, no more food, gas, paying of bills or well anything after June 15th if something doesn't happen between now and then that is not another baseball bat to the head and gut. Our run of bad luck and bad circumstances seems to have no end. I don't have cancer, so that is a plus, but I have shingles. Um, k. Aren't shingles suppose to be like, the most painful thing? If these are shingles then I have the no pain kind, which doesn't exist but you know, I'm lucky that way or possibly, it isn't what the clinic thinks it is. LOL! Time will tell, or kill me while I wait. If I am lucky. Oh! And my B-12 is almost non-existent, so weekly shots for that. They say that might be part of this depression issue, and that any nerve damage from it is not repairable. WOOT. Am I the only one seeing the awesome way I am totally fucked but there is that tiny little 'it could be worse' thing there to make me feel like an asshole for being more aware of the huge bad part rather than the tiny, could be worse part? If you put all those tiny bits of good together it wouldn't even touch the big pile of bad. So it is a little difficult to focus on that when there is so much life threatening shit happening to us. So yeah. Think positive and all that shit. Sure. No problem. 

On the plus side, the Circle-K up here is hiring. On the bad side, as soon as we found that out my car started to die off and on and my brakes are sounding horrible and both front tires seem to be losing air, along with the power steering leak issue, the catalytic convertor issue and of course the 2012 tags and no registration at all for this year due to the lack of funds to pay it and the 7 months of late fees so far... thats the sound of me, sighing, heavily. I miss my old, fucked up, loveless, miserable life. The one with a mate and home and such, not the one I have now. To be clear. I forget what human touch feels like, and having someone, anyone to interact with about anything beyond money issues and our sorry life. I suppose that is why I come here. If only my blog had warm hands...

I want to write about the one positive here, but I can't. If I do, as per some contract written somewhere in the universe, it will all go to immediate shit, and I need what little I can hold onto, so I wish I could share but they just won't let me. The universes contract writers seem to think I am some huge asshole who needs a neverending reminder. I don't. I see it. I get it. I would love a break in the eternal gain of cosmic wisdom via struggle and pain. Plus, I could use the time to free up some space in the old noggin'. It's on overflow at this point so it's all going to waste anyway. Anyone listening out there? No. I am aware that, like this blog, there is no one paying attention to my dribble. Bummer.

So! We eat for 5 more weeks! See? I can focus on the good momentarily. Ha ha ha. Sarcastic me. 

Generation Gap

I believe that these quotes might explain the gap between my generation and my mothers. One generation believes that the more you physically do, and the bigger the strain on the body, the more worthy a person you are. The other understands that no matter how many boulders you drag around, or how pleasing to the eye you manage to make them that you will not manifest the money to pay your bills or mend the emotional damage you have caused. That your sins are not abolished because you make your body ache or your fingers bleed. On the other-hand, being frozen in fear, racking my brain for answers or solutions while being terrified of actually making any move at all, isn't fixing anything either. The idea of being exposed to another hit or another deceitful broken person or being at the mercy of anything/anyone else makes my heart race and everything else turn to ice.

I found this quote here:
http://www.andreabalt.com/5-causes-for-creative-block/

Sue Fitzmaurice on Overcoming Your Ego

Howl at the Moon Bitches.

What Do You Desire Most? My birthday gift to you.

Post by Jason Benghazi Smith.

Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar

The last two minutes really sum it all up perfectly. Character and integrity.

In the 3 years or so since this was recorded these characteristics have become near void within the population and relationships. It's all about the mask now. The costume. The veil.

I Feel So Small

From the Curiosity Rover on Mars showing Earth from the Perspective of Mars. Possibly the coolest yet most 'how is it possible' photo ever. Wow. Just wow.

Five Rules- Number's 2 and 3 Hit Home

The Big Four Seven

I'll be 47 in a week and it all just hit me like a big rig. Not my age but the loss of the past 16 years and where it has left me, but more importantly my kid as well. This isolation being the nail in the coffin for us both and not being able to change or alter it no matter the opportunities presented due to the inability to get anywhere is like salt in the wounds. The night the car we were contemplating buying took a shit on us, my sons old job was being offered back to him. That was like taking a flat out blow to the gut and the face at one time. So now what? Now. What? ...

When my son was just a baby his father, Dan and I were forced to live with my father. My father is about as sane as my mother. We didn't have any income and my son needed diapers and food so Dan and I sold our blood at the plasma place in Oceanside. You could only do it once every few weeks but it was $15 for each of us to buy diapers, baby food and something for us to consume. before you wonder if my father fed us the answer is no. Period. When we were homeless, just a few years before, we went and stayed with my father momentarily. We had no income at all then either. My father would make us work like horses for a few bucks. I vividly remember one day when we were starving, literally and my father told Dan he would pay him to wash and wax both his cars. It was summer. It was brutal, but he did it. After 3 hours or so my father gave him $5. Five dollars. We went to the AM/PM that was walking distance and bought 2 hot dogs for $2. I guess my point of telling this story is that what I face today is not so much a new place I find myself but one I worked really hard to never have to face again. I have been there and lived that and I knew that I deserved more and was willing to work hard to get it.

I guess the one lesson I didn't learn was to never trust anyone. If you can't trust your own parents and their love for you and their intentions then really, who can you trust. The answer I now know is no one. Karma is a nice thought in theory but I have not seen it. I have stopped believing in it. I know far too many people who have never helped anyone without a self serving motive and they prosper. I don't know anyone personally who can say that they have saved someones life or more than one persons life (outside of in their career) yet I have and I die slowly. I see people abuse others as a way of life get an abundance of good things and people to fill their world and I can't find a single soul without motive to lend a hand to us. I have seen the demand of so much from ones that don't do anything to get it, but still they do. All I have ever wanted was a home, a family, and a small but happy life. No frills, just a strong base and some strong bonds. Connection. And I consciously made all my choices to not end up like either of my parents. I am not like them so much but my life is exactly like theirs. They just had a lot more fun to end up where they have.

I worked hard and did all the right things, or the things that logically were right, which means I made tough choices and struggled to not take the easy way out of everything, and I ended up right here. Right in the same ugly place that they both are. I always thought it was due to the selfishness on their part. The lack of logic. The way they used and abused people, drugs, alcohol, etc that got them here. Man, was I wrong. I thought the fact that each of them had one person in their lives that ALWAYS dug them out of their self-made holes was what kept them so weak and incapable of accepting any responsibility for their lives. Once those people had died they both just kind of laid down and died wherever they were at the time although for one of them that happened much later because the person they looked to left them something to extend the hand for a while, but still in the end they ended up just as the other did. And me as well. For me though, it was trusting and believing and persevering that got me here. Still partially my fault, of course, but my fault was in my belief in others. Not giving up when I should have. Not having enough belief in myself anymore. Not wanting to put my kids through anything I went through when I still believed there was something there to hope for or believe in. And I might add that the other person involved spent a lot of time leading me to believe this as well. I was not just blindly having hope in an obviously lost cause. This was planned. This was consciously mapped out. This was deceit in its rawest form, and I fell for it.

So now what? Now what.  

I read and read and read. I try to draw a map to work my way out. I try to grasp at anything tangible to accomplish anything. Anything at all. I haven't come across anyones experience yet that has fully encompassed this place I find myself and my son in though. There is always that one or two things that they had that we don't. The pertinent thing that made all the difference. The miracle or helping hand or resource. I can't find any of it though. Even in my dreams I am right where I am trying to figure out how to wake up from what has to be a nightmare. It just does not seem possible to have so many 'by chance' disasters happen consistently for such a long span of time to such a detriment to us. I mean the odds alone are staggering. If my life was a lottery ticket I'd be one of those once in a lifetime winning tickets.

I have so much potential. So fucking much, especially now that the weight of a relationship with a broken person is lifted, yet I can't even get food for us now. It is all just continuing to go to waste and my life is 2/3 over. How cruel is it to know what you have but not be able to do anything with it? To not be able to supply yourself with the very most basic of life's needs. Food, shelter, income and. maybe some laughter once in awhile.

Is that really so much to hope for?

Are You Comfortable?

Stay Humble

Art Fashion Creation: Per Your Request: More 80s.

There is a photo here { Art Fashion Creation: Per Your Request: More 80s.: With all my might I'm determined to escape the 80s and flash-forward, but the 80s are there in many sketch/scrapbooks - the 90s and the ...}; the very last photo is of a girl in a beret. This is my teen muse, Christine Bolster. She was who I wanted to emulate and I did. I just love this photo of her like I am 16 again and I wanted to have it somewhere to represent a piece of me and my history, but this page it is from is NOT mine but I like whomever it is that owns it. We have a lot in common. Poor girl.



ME- 1985 April                                      Guess Girl- Christine Bolster (and Billy Idol)

A Message To A Friend Or What Once Was A Friend Or Maybe Never Really Made It To Friend

1. Do not talk AT people. Talk TO people. Talking at people is infuriating and not at all productive, particularly if you want something from them.

2. Do not tell people that 'you don't care' about them or things that are of importance to them, again, particularly when you want something from them, like their time or talents. This is a sure fire way of not getting what you want and also a pretty basic piece of logic. Learn it. It shows a very ugly and very selfish side of you as well, no matter how real it may be it is still very very ugly.

3. If you must do the same thing over and over again, at least have the smarts to involve new people in your old endeavour. Old people already know where this is heading and will rarely accept putting themselves in the path of that destruction again willingly. OK, at least the ones that learn from their mistakes.

4. People are not tools. Let me repeat this... PEOPLE ARE NOT TOOLS. You can not use them, toss them aside and then pick them up again to use. I am not your tool. If you can not appreciate a person for their worth but only for their ability to be used for your endeavors then you are not worthy of their time, devotion or energy. Do not piss and whine about their ability to see through your veil. It gets thinner with every interaction.

5. If you want to be successful at life stop running to what has damaged you and away from dealing with that damage. You will never get away from your truths and your scars will always be there but you can choose to mend those wounds or die running away from them. Your choice. I will not be a party to your running away. It goes against everything I am and everything I believe and have learned. I learned the hard, dirty, ugly way and you will have to as well. This does not mean the ugliness that you have created in your attempts to run. This is the messy shit that you have been through in the past that you did not have control over that has created the path that you now walk or run on repeatedly in an attempt to create distance. Deal with this first and then make a new path. Trying to make a new path without taking care of this old shit will only lead you right back to the original one. You will fail until you deal with the truly painful and ugly past because that is what life is about, growth and wisdom. Money and fame will not make any of it go away. History proves this.

6. Other peoples pain is never something you get to make trivial. You do not get to cry help me while spitting on others needs. You are in or you are out. Period. When you do this you are out and most people will figure this out and disconnect if you refuse to value them as much as you value you. You are not more important. You are not better. You are not above or below unless you choose to be. Good people leave because they have figured out that you do not value them the way they deserve to be valued. This is their strength and your weakness.

I wish you well.

And In The End....

Mervyn's Commercial 1992

It was Mervyns!

A Project I Might Be Able To Afford?!

Bind-a-Book

I am hoping the few materials needed are cheap enough that I might be able to do this. I hope. I hope. (That was a total Mervyns commercial moment or was it Kohl's? Open, open, open!)

Ah. What We Want .vs What We Get

Destroyed I Am. Wounded Beyond Repair.

Bukowski.

Christian Death - Gloomy Sunday

)

Truth Hurts

Sinead O'Connor - Gloomy Sunday

Rezso Seress - Hungarian Suicide Song (Original With Lyrics in Description)

Hungarian suicide song-Gloomy Sunday (Sarah McLachlan)

Yes. All but five. Check, check, check...

11, 14, 21, 23 and 29 are a no out of 33. FML.

FUCK THIS SYSTEM

So has anyone else noticed their bank is now charging them for being poor on top of their regular bank fee's? #Altura Credit Union now charges a 'low balance' fee! So the poor are being charged MORE because they are poor. How the hell is this legal? I might add that this is not due to any overdrafts or bouncing of checks or any other kind of negative activity. This is purely based on being broke and being charged a fee for it!!

So now we can't get jobs because we have been unemployed and we are being charged fee's when we have too little money. We get sued for not being able to pay our bills due to a lack of jobs willing to hire us and we lose jobs because we are being sued for our inability to pay our past debt. 

Yes, this is the logic running our country now. A vicious cycle that can not be escaped. 

Ha! Too much of anything becomes a defect.

I Miss When This Was An Option.

The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.

So I have done everything I can think of to climb up and out.
Or even just up a bit, to no avail.
I have asked.
I have begged.
I have offered exchange/trade.
I have tried offering what little money I have had off and on.
I have made pledge/donation pages, plural.
I have tried to connect and network.
I have made this stupid blog.
I have applied for the unattainable as well as the attainable.
I have gone through social services.
I have run through all my available financial aid.
I have sold so much it hurts to even think about it.
I have begged, borrowed and stolen (although only a bit and at the do or die point because of my son, not so much myself, and from someone who owes me.).
I've even posted CL ads for areas in other states.

I have even continued to reach out to others that have continually pushed me away.
It is not true that you get what you give in this life.
It is not true that being positive will fix anything, as I did that ages ago and like everything else, at some point you realize you are working really damn hard and getting no results.
Now I am more of a realist. I see the path I have made and the one I have been forced to take.

I am all out of ideas.
The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.
Suffer and die.
Isn't is amazing how a 100 count box of straight edge blades costs just under $6?
THAT I could afford.

So now I am just counting the days, hours, minutes until I can be free. Well, not really free as I will have to bear the burden of leaving those that mean everything to me, but I will be free'd from this monotony and consistent pain. And the how and why's won't mean anything anymore either and that will be truly welcoming. The depth of the indifference that I am beginning to experience where my own life is concerned is both frightening and a welcome gift. When the fear dissipates I will accept that as my green light. It should not be long. I have to remind myself sometimes that I do have a responsibility to my son first. I am the cause of his displacement, even though it is only through the connections to me and those that used and injured me. Still, I brought them in and by doing that I exposed my kids to these heartless and cruel 'people' although I question how human they possibly could be since there is such a phenomenal lack of empathy or emotion for others. Anyway, fuck it. At least I have control of one single thing; my lifeline/existence.
Hard to believe that a few years ago I would have rather died than ask anyone for help... how quickly things change.

As an afterthought I wanted to add this bit. I have no shortage of inspirational people and such to look upon. It only takes a moment to find something amazing or mind blowing in this world. What kills the soul is how far away and distant it all seems the longer that you lack connection and hope in your personal existence. Eventually, all the beauty and awe in the world just begins to break your heart. At some point you can't ignore all the people ignoring all the amazing things they take for granted.
The more invisible and disposable I become, or aware, the more real and disappointing the world seems to become. It is not the mistakes that disappoint or the failures but the lack of appreciation for having the means to have been able to take the chance in the first place. Every step is a chance and a choice, that is until there are nothing but walls. So be thankful if you can still find an open door or window or even a damn crack to stick your finger through. If you have people actively trying to help you, and people with positive and kind words and a hand to help you up when you fall, no matter how you try to dismiss them, you are damn lucky and I suggest that you might want to start seeing and appreciating those people now, before they get sick of bothering to chase you around.