A "perfect storm" is an expression that describes an event where a rare combination of circumstances will aggravate a situation drastically.[1] The term is also used to describe an actual phenomenon that happens to occur in such a confluence, resulting in an event of unusual magnitude.
Perfect storm (disambiguation)
A perfect storm is a confluence of events that drastically aggravates a situation.
I CAN HANDLE THE PAIN BUT IT IS THE HOPE THAT KILLS ME...
If people only understood and appreciated how much mental and physical work goes into the sending of a text by me they might be nicer and feel a wee bit more special. So, here is a typical attempt to send a reply. I went on for another minute of hitting 'send' before it finally hit a sweet spot long enough to transfer. Can you see me standing on my bed and going to every corner and level within reach? It's actually worse outside. Go figure.
All I can say to y'all is stop taking everything for granted.
This video is from the K-Drama I love the most and stars my dream crush, Jo In Sung, who is the Asian version of a man I loved but lost touch with about 16 years ago. Oddly his name was Joe too and the water skiing scene is like actually seeing him again for me, which is really nice.
Since watching these foreign shows and movies is truly what has kept me alive and gotten me through each fucking soul killing minute of the last year or so, it seemed appropriate to use this video rather than the artists video, which for me personally, loses a lot without the connections this one has. Since this blog is basically a diary at this point, for my kids to read someday if they really want to know the ugly bits and pieces; I figured it was important to share more than my pleadings and pain, disappointment, anger and fear, mental break downs, epiphanies, and basic spiral into insanity. This is actually sharing something more personal to me.That may sound crazy but all the ugly painful stuff and soul crushing crap is just my life now. It doesn't at all seem intimate anymore. And since I have pleaded from the mountaintops to the ends of the earth and lost all pride and dignity ages ago, to no avail, I might add, they've all become nothing more than the droning of my minds desperation.
I wonder what happened to Joe? Too bad he has the absolute most basic of Hispanic names, Jose Luis Garcia. I mean, come ooooon! LOL! And my own name at the time being Michele Powell is a Google search joke! We'd never find one another, even with all today's technology. I can't even remember his birthday, but he was a Gemini and it was in June or July 1967-1970 (somewhere in there). We lived in Vista in North County San Diego and he had a son named Taylor (Tyler? No, Taylor) who would be somewhere around 21 now. Sonja (Sonia?) was Taylor's mom but she moved out of state with him around 2000 I believe. Anyway, we worked at Albertsons together for awhile in Vista, then he worked for a moving company in Oceanside. Graebel movers? Anyway, I always wonder how he is and how Taylor grew up. I hope they are well and happy.
I'd kill to be back in that time slot of 1997 or so. I've pretty much pin-pointed the shifting of my life from normal-ish manageable chaos to slowly working up momentum and spiraling out of control chaos, to mid 1997. Right before my back injury, and meeting my last husband, trading in my car, losing my job, losing my house, moving on base... and meeting P. and his then crazy ass cheating wife who ended up not being as crazy as everyone thought as I now know in spades.
See people, this is why character is so important. You can't sleep with 3 men at one time (excluding the husband) and then cry wolf to people about how your husband is not what he seems. God damn it if I had just known better though... We have our whole life to redeem ourselves for our bad doings but we can't ever go back and make it right, and that sucks. I know from experience on both sides of the moral coin. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I learned a lot from my mistakes and that is the best kind of redemption; to learn enough to not do it again. In fact, I learned too much and took too much to heart and carried way too much guilt. It's a huge reason why I stayed by P.'s side for 14 years and another year under the same roof making sure all his bills got paid and crap, like a good little wifey. All while getting the joys of listening to him fuck his cheating (on her husband) girlfriend in my old bed and walking in on them not once but twice having oral sex in my living-room... gawd, can't you just hear the howling of my dying dignity?? You'd be amazed what people can put up with to keep a roof over their kids head or their own head.
Sigh...
That went a bit off course.
O.K.
WAY OFF COURSE.
So here is the video and song.
BTW, It isn't as morbid as you might think to have a death song. Something comforting to listen to on the way out? How is that a bad thing?
HARD TO BELIEVE I WROTE THIS POST ONE MONTH SHORT OF TWO YEARS AGO. IT SEEMS LIKE DECADES. EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE THINGS GOT WORSE, TO LEVELS EVEN I COULD NOT IMAGE. YET I AM STILL BREATHING, FOR NOW.
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:
My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why. A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.
Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3 Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM
I had no idea this song was about the things it expresses. How many decades has this played in elevators, casinos, sad hole-in-the-wall bars, airports and on and on????
Life is disappointing. People are disappointing. Naturally.
Alone Again (naturally) Lyrics
"Alone Again (naturally)" was written by O'sullivan, Gilbert.
The only 'dream' I have left anymore is the 'road trip' dream. In reality, it's just another escape method since it's actually living in a car. but being on a road trip sounds a hell of lot less dark. Dontcha think? Plus, I still haven't been anywhere or seen anything. 2/3 of my life is over and I have nothing but life/family/people based experiences. What I mean is that I haven't done any dreamer, youth, fantasy-like stuff in my life. I never even made it to prom. Hell, I was married 3 times and not one of those weddings had anything to do with my desires. Not. One.
LOL! Too fucking funny.
I figure it would take a vehicle I could lay flat on my back in (Station wagon? Truck bed?) due to my spinal issues, a decent camera and maybe a recorder as well, gas and food cash and prepaid car insurance for a chunk of time. Oh shit, and a cd player. OMG! I want to listen to music I choose so badly! LOL! Anyway, the rest you figure out in the process. It's much more difficult to prepare (even just in your mind) when you are going it alone. Alone, middle-aged and female with no resources to turn to at all; that's what makes it more difficult since there is no one to rely on to help trouble-shoot and no one to advocate for you either. Actually, that just described most of my life's challenges, so maybe not as daunting as it seems.
Hmmmm...
Anyway, this is a pretty cool map to check out if you dream of escaping as well!!
Yesterday was seriously tough, now that I have two parents expressing the burden that my fate has made of me and that I have always been to them, even when I didn't exist in their life for years. I seem to have all this power that only my abusers can see and it only hurts them as well. It's weird, but if I could really control basically everything from lost false teeth (Mom) to the loss of ones house due to non-payment (Dad, over the 16 years we didn't speak. I am powerful! ) to the loss of ones ability to do anything for themselves anymore (My moms newest thing to blame on me) or their drinking and drug habits (still mom), or their electricity usage (more mom) or their choices to take loan after loan out to fix a car that isn't worth the first loan and the car still doesn't run- $12,000 in loans later (and more mom), thanyou would think I could get the fuck out of this mess and away from these people. I mean you can only blame someone else for so much when they are literally either not in your life at all or they have zero control and you hold ALL the control. It's like being an animal basically, but one no one wants. Easy to abuse. This addresses the last three years and a lot of what yesterday showed me about my father and not just my mother.
I'm tired of being tired and all out of positives to pretend the negatives aren't so bad. And feeling guilty is old too, as is thinking non-stop and running into walls. I literally think about things like banging my face into the wall, or the mirror or punching myself so I have some visual external evidence of what it feels like internally since there is zero acknowledgement that I am human anymore and feel pain and have emotions. Not joking but there is a certain amount of humor in the process of losing ones sanity/grip, don'tcha think? It starts out kind of chaotic and messy then there is a sweet spot that is rather beautiful where you gain a whole lot of wisdom no one understands or cares about except you and then you hit where I am now, which is really reverting back to early childhood when you would do anything to be seen and heard before you give up and let go of everything you have learned about 'controlling ones self,' and you fall to floor and let go of every bit of composure and obedience drilled into to you up to that point... and you scream and yell and plead and reason, as an adult reverting back to tantrums of childhood which I didn't get to actually have in childhood, until you just stop and realize the facts. They don't care. They will never care. You were not born to them for any other purpose than to fill a void momentarily such as loneliness or as a tool to manipulate or in my case both. As soon as you became a liability or a burden, or too tall and skinny and gawky to take anywhere, or too independent or too broken or just 'in the way,' etc. you/I seize to exist. When you can no longer serve their purposes or be there for them in just exactly the way they demand YOU BECOME WORTHLESS. NOTHING and the new villain in their stories. Even in nothingness they find a way to abuse your memory. And even with all that, you tell them that you love them, and ask them if they love you at all? Screaming, begging for an answer, only to get "I suppose if I dig deep enough..." and then the awesome throw back of the sarcastic "I know it's all my fault. Everything is my fault." But the answer to that is, "Yes, it is your fault, for not growing up and for having a child you had no intention of caring for and for being a selfish shithead of a parent," but instead you reply the same logic and reason shit we all say, "Did I say that? No, I didn't say that. YOU said that." And the message never gets through and nothing is ever resolved and you lay there exhausted and wet from sweat and tears and blood and no one else notices or cares.
I swear someday I will find access to tools to record this insanity to prove I am not making it up. Of course I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone but I've been forced to do it my entire life so why not now? At least this is to support my words rather than prove my innocence. Or maybe this is the programmed me thinking I should do what I have been doing my entire life to defend myself? Yes, true. But, also, this is the kind of shit people never believe really happens or said in reality. The insanity of some of it could be quite comical if it weren't me being the target, or any human being or feeling thing. Yeah.
(Disclaimer: This shit is mine. You don't get to steal it from me. My dream(s), my brain, my mind, my work, my writing(s), My blog. I have no problem suing because people with no life have all the time in the world. I'm just sayin'...) Please now, move on to the good stuff: So I had this dream last night... kind of super creepy, yet broken down it loses some of the creepy for more expected, if your mind has more depth than the average sheep. Background info is that as I tried to pass out I was contemplating whether the universe or Gods or whateverthefuck is pissed off I am still alive and therefore doing all 'it/they' can to make me kill myself (Think Final Destination-ish) or if 'it/they' just truly want to keep all levels of happy, joy, hope and feeling good from me for some damn unexplained reason. Then I passed out... So I am walking over a bridge, everything is in tones of gray, and bluish grays. I am walking behind someone else who also happens to be me but not me. I am two different people. This fantastically joyous happy song suddenly starts playing and the me in back says to the person/me in front (as I skip I say this), "I killed your dad to this song. It's an awesome song." LOL Yeah, ya with me still? Okay... moving on.... So the front me starts to freak a little, but not too much or as would be expected in such a situation, but starts moving faster, so now we are both on a hilly knoll type area and the front me asks "where did you put the body?" And the back me suddenly wonders the same thing... and then we both see it... LOL The body is in pieces in torn trash bags within a big rose bush. The head is clearly visible and such but the body is not of human flesh but rather it is more of a blackish solid gel material. No features or hair or anything but more like a mold of a human, dismembered, made of blackish solid gel. Ya all with me still??? It seems that I killed the darkness, or most of it. I killed that which had been stealing my joy. I dismembered that bitch like a gangster. And I did it to the happiest song I had ever heard. Then I suddenly woke up slightly panicked. And that was it. So, there you go. Feel free to analyze. I should make a short film of this dream. If you had the added visual and music you would SO GET IT and the creepy would totally come through as well as the "ah ha" moment. The coloring was a bit like watching "The Grudge." Now if I can just make sense of the "I killed your Dad to this song" part. I'm working on that theory. Actually, I had it when I originally awoke but I lost that memory so now I have to find it... The other me was the darkness we all have that is normal and necessary to live. The dead dad was the evil darkness that is not a natural part of life but a part set to destroy. I wish this dream was real.
See, this is why I worry about my son so much. It's what most people don't understand. I have seen the aggression from strangers who 'think' they know what or why my son has done, said or is doing something yet they have been totally wrong. People with AS get internally anxiety ridden as the norm in their day to day life. How that shows on the outside is often irritable or angry and such. I've watched a full grown man accost my son in the elevator at his doctors office for acting annoyed when the guy got too close on the elevator. I worry every day that at some point my son will be hurt and I won't be able to help or get to him, yet people want to tell me to disconnect. They have no idea what that feels like... http://www.foxnews.com/health/2015/07/07/teen-with-aspergers-allegedly-beaten-by-strangers-wants-suspects-to-learn-from/
I am posting this with permission from Gavin's mom. Gavin is one of Jonathan's best friends and like a second son to me. They have been side by side all through their school years. I was so proud of both of them when they graduated this year. They both worked so hard to achieve that goal. When I first saw the post from Gavin's mom I had so many mixed emotions....once I got past the anger I just cried. As the mother of a son with disabilities too my heart was broken for Gavin and his mom. I have always said "NOT ALL DISABLILITIES ARE PHYSICAL". Both boys have never asked for anything but to be accepted for who they are--great guys. Being a child with a disability in this crazy world is tough enough...imagine facing it as a adult. If I get through to just one person tonight that THIS IS NOT OK then I have accomplished my goal with this post. I commend Gavin for the decision he made for the punishment. Will the kids that did this to him learn? I can only hope and pray. My thoughts and prayers are with his family as they all have to heal from this horrible incident. Thank you to his mom for allowing me to share. We love you Gavin and know Jonathan and I are always in your corner!!!
His mom's post:
We found out that Gavin had Asperger's & ADHD when he was 3 yrs old, and growing up, we've had as many wonderful times as we've had difficult/frustrating times. You can't "see" Asperger's since it's not a visible disability, it's a social/emotional one that makes relationships difficult to attain. It doesn't prohibit his movement, or ability to walk, but it makes everyday interactions with people very difficult. He can appear rude, impatient, "weird", detached, or uninterested, but this is not intentional. He can also be kind, generous, and forgiving, but even this can appear awkward at times because some of it is learned and not always natural. Keeping longtime friends is tough because of his tendency to isolate yourself. Gavin has spent years learning what society thinks is appropriate and not appropriate, and so he doesn't offend anyone or stick out in social situations. Being a teenager with Asperger's is tough because all the sudden people around you are consistently "breaking" all the social do's and don'ts you've spent years learning. On Thursday night, some kids were talking about how "it's weird" that he is always by himself, attending events alone and watching people, and it was "creepy" how he wanted to be friends with people he didn't know. On Friday night, another kid that overheard that conversation decided to take matters into his own hands and become judge and jury, and this is the result of that. He didn't ask questions, didn't get to know Gavin, never met him, and didn't give him a chance to leave. He was called to meet someone, surrounded by people he didn't know, choked, punched, and left laying on the pavement so he would "learn his lesson". If you are reading this, I hope you talk to your teens, tell them about disabilities you can't see, teach them to be tolerant of people that are different, teach them that if they continuously see someone alone that maybe it is not their choice to be alone, remind them to ask questions first and get to know one another. Gavin is fine. He has a mild concussion, a bruised esophagus, the tip of his nose fractured, and hematoma in his eye, but nothing permanent. He did not press charges, but requested their community service be disability related, that they write a paper on Asperger's, and that they watch a 20 min video statement he taped while their families were present so they could see the damage they did and hear the event from his perspective. I am so proud of him, and I hope a lesson will come of this to all that hear about it.
Being poe' requires creativity sometimes. I'm getting low on food but I have add water only pancake mix but no stove top to make then on, but then I thought that I do have a panini maker. So wha la! Kinda comes out like pancake fries!
