Can you feel the heat too?

I wanted to die.

I did not want to die.

I wanted the struggle,

The pain,

The disappointment

And the loneliness

To end

I wanted to believe that it would.

I wanted to have faith that someone decent would acknowledge my pain

And me

And the massive loss that I experienced, and continued to experience

Every moment

Of every second

Of every

Single

Day.

Nevertheless,

No one noticed.

There was no knight in shining armor

Or

Faithful friend.

No one to express any emotion to

Or with.

And certainly

No one offering a hand to hold

Or a path to follow.

There was

Quite frankly

Not much more

Than immense disappointment

At the human race,

At the universe.

Disappointment

At the deities

And all the other powers that might be.

 So I cut.

And I sliced.

And I fought the echo that said,

“Do it.”

“Cut it open”

“Sliced it to shreds.”

“End it.”

“Make it stop.”

“Finally.”

“Do it.”

“DO it.”

“DO IT!”

So I shake

And I rattle

And I roll

And cry like nothing I have ever known.

And I remember my promise

To try

To fight this too

As long as I can.

But

I am always aware

That it is

right

there.

Waiting for me

To accept the inevitable.

To just let go.

To stop fighting.

To stop surviving.

To just

Let

Go.

LET.

GO.

And when it has passed

And has become

Just

A distant buzz

For now

I look up and read

If I am going to be alive,

Then

I might as well

Be incredible…

And that

Makes me laugh

Because I am incredibly sad

Incredibly lonely

Incredibly tired

Of this incredibly

Vacant

“Life”

This incredibly ugly world

Were the true suffer

And the false are awarded

No matter how badly disguised

They continue to collect

The beautiful things

That so many of us

Yearn for

And so many others

Dismiss.

I wanted to die.

I did not want to die.

I wanted the struggle,

The pain,

The disappointment

And the loneliness

To end

I wanted to believe that it would.