Ka is a wheel

“Ka is a wheel; its one purpose is to turn. The spin of ka always brings us back to the same place, to face and reface our mistakes and defeats until we can learn from them. When we learn from the past, the wheel continues to move forward, towards growth and evolution. When we don’t, the wheel spins backward, and we are given another chance. If once more we squander the opportunity, the wheel continues its rotation towards devolution, or destruction.” -Stephen King

I'm making Ka beads with my freebies!

 Evil Eye beads next! 

INFJ's Like Me Need a Survival Guide, But I Guess 'Here's a Guide to Knowing an INFJ' Instead.

SO THIS HERE LITTLE ARTICLE IS BASICALLY MY INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL STRUGGLE EXPLAINED IN LAYMEN TERMS. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE IT SITTING THERE WAITING FOR ME TO DISCOVER IT IN MY FB STREAM, BUT THERE IT WAS SO HERE I SHARE. IF ANYONE ELSE IS AN INFJ YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME. WE CAN START A GROUP FOR THE DISCONNECTED 1% OF US AND EAT CAKE. I REALLY WANT CAKE, SORRY...
http://iheartintelligence.com/2015/08/27/constant-contradictions/

Of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the rarest of them is the INFJ. Only 1% of the people who take the MBTI fall into this personality type, and if you happen to be one of these rare souls, you know how hard it can be for other people to understand you – or even to understand yourself. One of the defining characteristics of the INFJ is an almost constant internal contradiction. 16personalities.com describes the INJF as having a “very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create an advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.”  SEE? I REALLY AM THE PERSON I CLAIM TO BE, SO NEENER! 

To get an idea of what I am talking about, here are 6 things that other INFJs will agree with me on (even if they don’t admit it).

1. Most of your favorite people are fictional. In fact, most of the time you feel a real connection to another INJF, it is typically in a book. 98% OF REAL PEOPLE SUCK IT IN MY EXPERIENCE AND THERE ISN'T ANYONE TRYING TO PROVE ME WRONG WITH ANYTHING MORE THAN WORDS. USELESS WORDS. CHEAP WORDS. BLAH BLAH BLAH CLICK CLICK YADDA...

2. You find it easy to convince people that you’re an extrovert one minute, and an introvert the next. You understand that it confuses people when you shift gears, but you also know that sometimes you just want to be alone. You want relationships in your life and they make you happy, but you also need a lot of alone time to be happy. It’s a constant juggling act. -I WANT BALANCE AND SOME PEACE FOR HELL'S SAKE. CLING I DO NOT. CLINGY SUCKS. BEING SO NEEDY HAS BEEN HELL FOR ME AND THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALONE TIME AND TOTAL ISOLATION FOR YEARS. BIG BIG DIFFERENCE. 

3. As much as you hate working for money, you’re realistic about needing money to pay bills, rent, etc. It’s a constant battle between being responsible and being free. You can, at the same time, imagine a utopian society – and know that it will never exist.- BUT I STILL DREAM

4. Your intuition will often times play out exactly how a situation is going to go for someone in your head. But, at the risk of offending someone, you just let it play out, and let them make the mistake that you saw coming all along. This is compounded by the fact self-destructive people are drawn to you like a moth to a flame, and you generally care about their problems more than they do. A lot of times, you create standards for other people in your heads based on how you would treat others (including yourself), or what you would do if you were them. You then find yourself severely disappointed when others don’t meet your made-up standards. -GET'EM AWAY, DAMN IT. HALT! SEIZE! TURN THE FUCK AROUND AND MARCH!!!  

5. Sometimes you get a thought in your head that you can’t put into words that other people will understand. Typically, when you try to explain it – you end up confusing them even more. Most of the time, this situation revolves around telling someone how you feel. You either reveal as little about yourself as you possibly can or you reveal WAY too much and end up feeling like an idiot after the fact. After you’ve gone through this cycle enough times, you often end up apologizing for any expression of emotion at all. Social media doesn’t help at all with this one. -THIS BLOG IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW I TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD TO NO AVAIL.

6. You have the ability to fit in everywhere, without feeling like you fit in anywhere. As gifted as you are as an intellectual, you can be miles away from the world around you. This usually leads to a realization that most of the world doesn’t live inside of their own head like you, and that seems weird to you. Often times this leaves you feeling like you are in tune with everyone else’s feelings except your own. -IN OTHER WORDS- SQUARE PEG AMONG ROUND HOLES. 

Hmmmmmm?????

I love the theory but I've tried it and you know what? Nothing. Nothing happens when you stop participating. Now for me that was detrimental at one point and it still is off and on, because spinning ones wheels 24/7 and taking verbal abuse on top of it gets REAL OLD YA'ALL, and then the dark shit takes over. So, do this momentarily when you come to realize that you are powerless for the moment. Use that time to rest or zone out guilt free OR you can use that time to ask yourself why the hell this drawing has a wanger so delicately drawn on???? 

Hmmmm? 

I watch KDramas myself. I find the completely opposite culture refreshing, plus the need to read subtitles helps split my brain activity enough to make the A.D.D. and the rest of the shit swirling around in my head dissipate for awhile. As an added bonus, they can be funnier than shit and then suddenly make your throat close up and tears start falling out like crazy and then there is the food. So much food. A piece of their culture I understand well, feeding the people you care about and holding onto ones integrity. Good stuff! But, one of the best things is how Korea figured out that 'the gratuitous shower scenes' should always be gorgeous Asian men, rather than the plastic women the US is obsessed with. So refreshing! 

Lee Min Ho breaking women's hearts everywhere.

My first K-crush doing his share for humanity. Thank you, Lee Dong-Wook (이동욱) #KDrama #LeeDongWook Scent of a Woman

So when you're down and troubled and need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going riggghhhttt...... 

Find your secret feel good zone out thing and just do it. Guilt free. If your feeling guilty for doing it then you are doing wrong or you really are doing something shitty. In that case, try to find something that isn't hurting yourself or anyone else.

Oh, I guess I should add to any naysayers about the buff men and my own shallowness, yadda, yadda, yadda, that it isn't the hot bod that does it for me. That's a bonus I suppose, but my ex had a better body than these two photos and he spent the time he wasn't working, and as I now know, fucking other people and such, at the gym. I was a gym widow for almost a decade and half. That shit is pointless if you can't back it up with some really great internal qualities. If you are a dick on the inside then people will figure it out eventually no matter how pretty you make the outside. FACT. In real life I don't give pretty men a second glance anymore. Unless it seems to be just a fluke of nature. I'd look twice at that. Anyway, be a good person. Keep true to your words. Care about people, particularly when they really need it. LET PEOPLE CARE FOR YOU BACK. Don't take advantage of it when you get 'cause at some point they will come to their senses. And um, keep on fighting.

Seriously!! It's all I can think about!!

When The Nail Is Hit Perfectly On The Head...

ARIES: This weekend, you may discover surprising news or secrets. If you and a lover or close friend have not been good for one another — for whatever reason — it may be best for you to reconsider your connection and think about why you feel so dependent on their approval. Now it is time to break free from ties that hold you back! (Tangent to follow, sorry! Pre-Adderall kick-in rant) 

(LUCKILY, I HAVE NO LOVER AND NO CLOSE FRIENDS, WHICH I EQUATE TO PEOPLE I CAN SEE AS OPPOSED TO ONES AT THE OTHER END OF THE INTERWEBS THAT MAY NOT EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST BUT RATHER BE FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE HORROR OF TECHNOLOGY. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR WORDS OR CLAIMS OR ALMOST ANYTHING ANYMORE. THEY CAN LITERALLY JUST DISCONNECT AND BE DONE WITH YOU. HOW DO WE KNOW THEY ARE REALLY THERE ANYMORE? ANYONE CAN BE ANYONE AT THIS POINT. THEY ALREADY SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT ANY INTENTION OR CONCERN FOR THE WEIGHT OF THOSE WORDS ON OTHER PEOPLES LIVES. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN WRITE ON THIS BLOG LIKE I DO. IT'S BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE. EVEN THE ONES THAT DO WON'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT TAKES TOO MUCH ATTENTION, DRIVE AND ENERGY TO BOTHER. IRONIC. HUH? DAMN NEAR THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS BECOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 14 YEAR OLD'S WHO KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT CAN'T FIND THEIR ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL SO THEY HAVE TANTRUMS AND SLAM DOORS AND SAY CRUEL THINGS THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY ARE SO DETERMINED TO HIDE THEIR FLAWS THAT THEY JUST CREATE MORE DRAMA, CHAOS AND PAIN FOR THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE ELSE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE EXPERIENCES, BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. (I'M LAUGHING OUT LOUD) GAWD, WHAT A FUCKING FUCKED UP WORLD IT HAS BECOME. IT'S ON REPEAT OR IT'S SKIPPING LIKE A SCRATCHED RECORD. IT'S ANNOYING. 

NO ONE IS AROUND ANYMORE TO MOTIVE PEOPLE TO BE TRUSTWORTHY OR TRY TO BE BETTER FOR, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY IN TRYING TO EMPRESS SOMEONE; AT LEAST ONE PERSON CREATED DRIVE IN ANOTHER TO TAKE ACTION. THE LEARNING HAS HALTED. PEOPLE SHOULD BE OBSERVING AND IN-TAKING THAT INFORMATION FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. IT'S HOW IT IS WAS DONE. WE WILL SOON BE RIGHT OUT OF THE MOVIE 'IDIOCRACY' FAT, STUPID AND TOO DUMB TO EVEN REALIZE IT. (Click the 'Idiocracy' to see why.))

I JUST PROVED MY GIF WRONG. OBVIOUSLY I GIVE A FUCK. OBVIOUSLY I AM AFFECTED. BUT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT. 

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/08/astrology-gifs-for-the-week-of-august-24-2015.html?mid=facebook_kw&kwp_0=37832&kwp_4=219682&kwp_1=182936

So much to say.

After many hours of attempting to write a lifetime of basically everything of importance that I want to share with my kids I find myself still here. Still lost. If nothing else this blog is a good representation of the insanity verbal abuse, depression, pain and poverty bring upon a person. The crisis and crazy of living this way should be apparent. I'm disappointed in my lack of courage yet I got to express some of the things I worry about missing if I suddenly am gifted with the courage to escape this reality forever. When you have kids, no matter their ages, and you love them from the depths of your soul you don't take ending your life lightly. This isn't some teenager brokenhearted and acting out. This shit is FINAL. You don't get a pass to come back. You don't get a do over. You are here and then you seize to exist. The end. So, in that, a person that knows the value of love is apt to want to feel as though they have finished their business beforehand. That is what we tell ourselves, but we know we will never manage to cover it all. There will always be a regret. That is if there is anything past this. And this my friends is the thought in that moment when you hold the pills in your hand or you make the first cut. Panic. At least for me. In that moment the panic is what takes the courage away and then there is shame for being so weak and knowing that soon enough I will find myself in this moment again so why can't I just do it now? This time I went and attempted to get as much as I could out. It isn't enough, but if I went anytime soon, without further writing, I would at least feel that I said something of importance. I have more but I am long-winded. I did not write nearly enough to my son. I wrote a lot to my daughter. Many pages. I wrote a bit to the masses but in truth, in the end, the kids are most in my thoughts. Everyone else that matters has been privy to this whole ugly thing and this process so they shouldn't have much to question and this blog should fill in any holes, if not, I guess that is life, or is it death? I don't know. I'm still here. I'm neither proud of that fact or horrified. Just tired at the moment. Your judgement is nothing in the big scheme of all this so think what you will. It's a free country (or it once was). 

I take it back.

I DON'T WANT HELP. 
I WANT COURAGE.
I WANT IT TO BE OVER.
I WANT PEACE.
I'M NOT A TAKER BY NATURE AND THIS HAS BEEN TORTURE. BEGGING AND HOPING HAVE KILLED MY SOUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE LIKE THIS BY CHOICE DO IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT BEING LIKE THEM.
SO I TAKE IT BACK...
JUST SEND ME THE COURAGE TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK AND END THE NIGHTMARE ONCE AND FOR ALL. 
I WANT NOTHING ELSE.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND

I REALLY DO NEED HELP.    <<< YOU CAN CLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT IT, OR NOT.

I FOUND THE CONTAINER THAT HOLDS ALL THE TEETH THAT HAVE BROKEN IN THE LAST 2 YEARS... IT'S KIND OF GROSS BUT IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO HAVE SO MANY DEFECTS IN MY MOUTH FOR SO LONG. IT ALSO SUCKS TO FEEL LIKE PEOPLE THINK I MIGHT BE A CRACK WHORE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE WHEN I SMILE NOW YOU CAN SEE THE POST THAT ONCE WAS THE BASE THAT HELD ONE OF THESE PIECES IN PLACE.
SO ANYWAY, WELCOME TO LIFE.

  

the pain is where the wisdom lies

This post was triggered by this photo on FB and someones reaction  which was 'Well said!' Being homeless is hell and everything is a spiritual journey, or everything is not. Period. Circumstance isn't spiritual neither is hunger or abuse, etc. Poverty is poverty. Don't try to make yourselves feel better about that. We lie to ourselves to cover the truth which is almost always guilt and pain. Stop trying to justify the ugly truth of poverty by excusing it as a journey. It isn't. 

At what point do we stop making excuses for our inhumanity? How many times a day do we come across blatant acts of devaluing people and their circumstances or experiences? Does renaming/labeling some person, circumstance or experience a 'spiritual journey' or 'destiny,' or 'Gods way,' or 'your/their path,' or 'karma,' or any number of friggin' words people use today to separate themselves from judgement or from getting off their asses and doing something to help someone really work? Yes, it does because we are a nation full of excuses and labels doing this very thing to our fellow human beings and even ourselves. We include ourselves in these 'feel-good' or 'feel better,' labels. Instead of telling people the truth (or telling ourselves the truth), we fear our own weakness. We fear our humanity. We fear the judgement of others and the rejection and the disappointment. It's hard to be judged by people, harder by the people you love and respect, but the hardest thing to overcome is the disappointment of abandonment by them when you are most in need of acceptance and action wrapped in pure love. Personally, I have my days where i just want to go back to being ignorant but then I realize that would mean I would still be headed on the path of destruction. I don't want to do this again. This is inhumane yet it has been filed with so much truth. I like not getting annoyed by the posts on my Facebook feed, now that I don't have the 200+ friends' I ditched anymore. I liked defriending the people who made me feel like shit because they never showed anything or they were horribly ignorant and such. It felt good to let them go. I'm lonely as fuck but I don't have to cower when I interact with people I should be able to enjoy. Why? Because they were so determined to believe they knew my (or other peoples) circumstance therefore they could judge and remark and assume to the point of triggering me to cut and they were the worst for posting shit that just tried to box and label my pain (and the pain of others) and no matter how hard I tried to give them different ways to view my side they only saw their own. They were closed and boxed tight, even some people who believed they were super open and progressive. Unfortunately, progressiveness does not come with age or book knowledge but with experience and a lot of pain, (whether people want to accept that or not is their problem but the pain is where the wisdom lies). The opportunity to see beyond the visible layers is always, always there for every single one of us. Most will accept things at face value, like people trying to get help by using wording that might trigger guilt or empathy in others when in fact people should be reacting to what they see on the surface and especially below it. We are a nation of advertisers’ right down to our poverty-stricken. We even run most of our 'help' systems now on votes and social networking span and skill. It's repulsive. I'm doing my best to try to scratch the surface of everyone's protective armor and save this fucking planet but to me I only see a path of destruction due to the lack of backbone and honesty towards ourselves first and humanity after. WE ARE CHOOSING TO BE BLIND, WEAK AND DISHONEST TO OURSELVES. If you start with being honest with you and get really good and comfy with that and then begin to get honest with the people in your world and then outside your world you will find that what others think of you stops mattering. That feeling good inside makes everything tolerable because you have a good strong base to stand on and fight, cry, share or support... It's the answer everyone is wasting their lives trying to find. The answer to all things is BE TRUE. Start in truth and then move on in your decisions and paths. Truth can only be found below the layers you are most fearful of infiltrating. You have to pass through then completely to find truth but once you do you will find your need for things like drugs and anything you abuse will lessen or dissipate. You will be running from fewer demons. You will feel stronger internally. I always have given off a strong external appearance but internally I am shaking like a 9.0 earthquake. The older I got the worst the internal quake got. This last few years has forced me into so many frightening places and so much solitary that all there is to do is reevaluate, and such and eventually you have done that to death so you begin digging around in all the deep dark corners and in that you begin to wage a war on your demons.. OK, 'I' began to wage a war on 'my' demons... Anyway, as all mothers will attest, I would really love to be able to keep a few of you from being forced into actually going through the same level of shit and pain I have been enduring to get to your true selves. As I write this though I can clearly hear both of my kids voices saying that although they understand, that they kind of feel like they have to stumble and fall for themselves. I respect that. I was not that kind of person myself. Maybe it was because I lived through so many tragic experiences that I knew I didn't want nor need more of them to learn my lessons. I would take what I could by observing instead. I am more of an observer today than ever before. It is what drives me to fight and to express myself like this and allow myself to face rejection or judgement, I assume. I see too many people that have SO MUCH and see none of it. Come to me and let me point out how incredibly blessed you are, k? Or not. We all still have the right to choose we just have a hell of a lot less to make those choices from these days I guess. (Heavy release of breath)...
I guess I just had one of my morning pre-coffee, pre-Adderall soapbox moments triggered by a photo that for some reason really flipped a switch in me. No, I know why it triggered me because I was once the person in the photo and I wish the world would stop taking photos and start DOING SOMETHING to alter the existence of the subjects they post about. The time could be so much better spent looking for resources for the people or seeing how much help you can gather to offer someone in need the real tangible help they need to move forward. Sustaining seems to be what people not in crisis think is helpful but at some point that is just torture because you want to die damn it. You want the misery to end. You want someone to see you as more than an animal that needs to be fed a bit every day. Humans need to be useful and they need connection and to use their minds and hearts. We need to be seen as viable and visible. Sustaining us is nothing more than watching us wither away slowly and painfully. Like being in a zoo to be observed, but not touched.
And I did it again, rambling on and on... I MUST STOP NOW. OK. I want to keep going BUT I WILL FIGHT IT.... <3
I lied. I added more in a comment on FB:
People don't want to hear it. They want to hear how strong you are or how much you have grown or learned from it. They want you to box it up all tidy and clean so they can consume it and move on. The uglier it is the most likely it is to be real or true. Unless you have observed excessively and deeply dug the trenches of a persons soul with them and seen otherwise (occasionally people do grow and evolve and become super human) the things that give you a twinge of fear, doubt or distrust in people are the things to pay attention to and base your choices on, IMO. The key is to know yourself deep and true enough to not be making those choices based on your own damage. Yo can't do shit until you come to terms with you completely. Even the scary, ugly shit. You have accept it or alter it enough to accept it fully.

The Cramps - Can't Find My Mind

The Bittersweet Blessings of this Life.

My kid has become so fearless!!! I woke up to this in my FB messages:              
So I'm 99% sure I'm going to change my major to mechanical engineering. I already printed out the change form and stuff. This internship has changed my mind on so many things. And it's gonna make my college career a lot longer but I don't want to get a degree in tech writing because it's easy, I'd rather do what I want regardless of how much work it'll be. Engineers get to do the coolest shit and I want to be a part of it all!

I wrote 'became so fearless' because my Baby Girl has had to overcome some anxiety issues over the years that could have held her back severely, but she is a bulldozer when she puts her mind to something and has always managed to do the undo-able. This won't be the first time she has chosen a new path but this one includes becoming a inspiration to all girls at a time when women are being sent back decades by our politicians and religious wack jobs.
That 'internship' she mentioned that changed her life path was this summer working for NASA. Yeah, you read that right. I said NASA. 
So, I may have screwed my own life up in the later years but I will always have proof that for first 40+ years I worked my ass off to overcome the crap of my fucked up life so I could give my kids something honest and true to build their own lives on. They are strong spawn with a serious work ethic, integrity and a desire to be their own people not sheep sleepwalking through life waiting to be told what they want to hear and telling others what they expect to be told. They are definitely my kids. I'll take that proudly with me to the grave. 

The bittersweet blessings of this life.

I'm bummed that I don't have anyone to share this with anymore except here in the void that no one actually reads and one friend in FB. 
Bad luck, bad timing and bad people choices may as well be an infectious disease. Everyone is very sympathetic in the beginning but suddenly they disappear when the reality hits them that 'this could me,' and no one wants to face that truth. No one wants to see in technicolor just how fast and easily they can lose their life. And by life I mean what you worked for and acquired and the people you believed in and the comfort of the patterns and systems we create. The trust we thought we built and the security within those walls of trust. Anyway, I'm a disease and everyone (<most) was too weak and pathetic to be there for or with me so they ran and now i have no one to share these things with. Except here in the void of the interwebs in blogland....

My Whole Life Suddenly Makes Sense

http://projectavalon.net/Dolores_Cannon_The_Three_Waves_of_Volunteers_and_the_New_Earth.pdf
I'm wave one in case anyone is curious...
even my paintings begin to make perfect sense...
and my writings
and dreams
and epiphanies too.

Getting Kicked When You Are Already Down is Cruel

I wish I was dead right this minute. If I have to listen to how I have ruined my mothers life one more time I swear to god... make it stop. She just keeps restarting. I refuse to take responsibility for her choices. I wish I could change the burden I am causing her by existing in her little world and lacking money and resources and friends to rely on and such but she seems to think I want this and it's making me lose it more. I get it. It sucks ass. I've lost all dignity. I am worthless to others. I GET IT. I mean how many times will she tell me how she waited so long for me to never live with her again? She didn't live with me when she was suppose to have been my parent. I lived at my friends house and on the streets. She abandoned me. She packed up and moved away without a word and left my stuff. She acts like I have come to live with her over and over rather than for 3 decades I lived without her except when SHE needed a place to live and then she came to me for a place to live, not the other way around. Hell, even the time we shared the place in Temecula wasn't my idea. I was totally and completely against it, but Paul wanted to do it because he hated the house we had been in for over a decade. And that was the beginning of the lose of my sanity and the entire life I had built for decades. Why am I being punished like this? She should be on Pauls doorstep. I mean if she must blame someone. I didn't kick myself out or cheat or lie or wait until I had total control to decide to show my scumbag side. He did it to me not her and now she punishes me over and over. Gawd, I know what she is going to say word for word before she even starts. I start shaking as soon as I see the body language and hear the tone. 

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck

fuck

Sorry about the rant but I had to do something while she yelled at me...

and I hope you are having a pleasant day! :)

WELCOME TO WHAT POVERTY LOOKS LIKE.

 THIS IS ALL THE FOOD I HAVE IN THE WORLD AND ALL I WILL HAVE SHORT OF A MIRACLE EXCEPT I DON'T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ANYMORE. PEOPLE SUCK AND THE SYSTEM SUCKS. THAT I BELIEVE. I CAN GET BEHIND THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT AS FACT. WITH PEOPLE IT'S AT LEAST 75%-90% TRUE. THE SYSTEM? 100% TRUTH. 

I HOPE NO ONE READING THIS EVER HAS TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. IF YOU STOP AND TRULY CONTEMPLATE THIS REALITY YOU WOULD FIND THAT IT COMES WITH A PLETHORA OF OTHER ISSUES AS WELL, LIKE ANXIETY ATTACKS, HORRIBLE HEALTH REACTIONS TO SO MUCH SHIT AND SO LITTLE NUTRITION (LIKE SKIN ISSUES AND INTESTINAL ISSUES, MENTAL ISSUES AND PAIN TO START. OH AND THE LOVELY FALLING OUT OF ONES HAIR. THAT'S SUPER FUN.) NO ONE CHOOSES THIS LONG-TERM. I CAN ATTEST TO THE FACT THAT IT IS MUCH EASIER TO DO IT IN YOUR TEENS AND TWENTIES VS. DOING IN NEARING YOUR 50'S. IN MY EARLY 20'S I COULD LIVE OFF A DONUT AND WATER. I KNOW 'CAUSE I DID IT. I WAS HUNGRY BUT I FUNCTIONED WELL CONSIDERING AND I COULD STILL CARRY EVERYTHING I OWNED ON MY BACK AND WALK THROUGH MANY CITIES A DAY. IT ISN'T LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT HURTS. A LOT. AND I NEVER ONCE TRULY CONTEMPLATED DYING WHEN I WAS YOUNG, BUT IT IS A 24/7 THOUGHT NOW BECAUSE I CAN NOT FATHOM THE DAY THIS IS ALL GONE. DO I EAT DIRT TO SURVIVE? WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS? I SPEND TONS OF TIME ASKING MYSELF THIS QUESTION AND THEN I HAVE AN ANXIETY ATTACK AND I TRY TO SLEEP BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ANSWERS AND PEOPLE DON'T MUCH CARE. THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THE SECOND HARDEST THING TO ACCEPT. THE FIRST IS LEAVING MY KIDS. THE SECOND IS JUST HOW HORRIBLY PEOPLE SUCK.