Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Desperation Breeds Bad Choices And Occasionally John Cusack and Angelina Jolie!

I planned on writing separate posts here. Editing them and such, but I have decided that in my raw state I should just post me as I am. So this will jump around and hit a few nerves and probably represents what it feels like in this shell much better than it would had I broken it up into pieces and edited it. Please excuse my chaotic mind and my fingers for they do not know what they spew until it is done....

It's no secret that my life has been shit of late. Capital S.H.I.T. So, it shouldn't be any big surprise that I live on the corner of desperation street and suicidal way. Die or stay THIS way, desperate. Mostly, after last night, I have come to terms with being done with thinking and feeling. There are just some levels of fucked that you can't fix, not by yourself, not when you are this fried. And I have to say that I will leave this shell with my integrity intact if possible. So for the people that want to tell me that I had options but I refused to 'lower' myself to take them, FUCK OFF. I'm not going to be yet another chick who prostitutes herself out for a sadistic narcissist so she can have a roof over her head. That's how I got HERE. I gave away my being to try to help and heal someone who didn't give a rats ass about changing, not on the inside anyway. The only help that has been offered me is in exchange for my 'love' or companionship. Anyone who wants to steal from me doesn't deserve to know me much less have me. If you want to take something from someone that they have no desire to give and you continue to try to get it from them then you need some serious therapy Son. Positive things are not stolen or bargained for. Emotions are not currency. If someone gives you their positive emotions with no strings than you are receiving a gift and you only accept that gift if you want to return it in like. Simple simple simple. Most things in life are incredibly simple, but we need chaos and drama so we create it. OK, I don't need chaos or drama. I have many lifetimes worth, thank you very much! I want SIMPLE. See me, hear me, share with me.

Anyway, I had the greatest dream of all time with only one other coming close which was Angelina Jolie as my girl! LOL Actually, I believe I was her girl. Hot damn. It was very PG but lovely.
I didn't just dream about John, he LOVED me, he adored me and not in that sick way that makes you freak out but in that amazing way that causes your entire system to readjust because it's never quite felt so whole... yeah, he made me laugh as I did him. I wish I could really remember the details. What I DO remember is that he did something to the back of my neck, licked it or poured water on it or something (I remember the sensation but not the act) and I sucked my breathe in and exclaimed how no one should touch me there as that is my SPOT. The back of my neck shoulder area is THE spot for me... I'd fall hard for anyone who remembered that and he reacted in a 'hmmm' way, and then he was MINE. All attentive and intelligent and still busy with his life but connected at all times to mine. It was perfection. Sigh. I mean who wouldn't want JC? I kept telling him how fucking, and yes, I said 'fucking gorgeous' he was and how the hell can he stand it? LOL! He had that glow that some people have. The one that shines through their eyes and smiles and makes their skin seem so alive. Like a friggin' lighthouse is hiding in their head keeping the spotlight on... sigh.. Good fucking dream.
He came (came not in reference to cum... gawd!), he made me laugh, he made me smile, he touched my neck, and really saw me. He looked at me. He listened to me as I did him. So perfect. So easy. I don't get why people complicate the mate relationship so much. It's really so simple, and simple is always the best in the end... You feel something unique for a person, they feel it as well, you both decide you want to be with one another, you promise to be truthful and not partake in 'extracurricular's' with others, you make one another laugh, you're there when they cry or hurt, you do for them as they would do for you, and end it when you stop wanting to do for them anymore. Period. Simple. No cheating, no destroying a perfectly decent human beings life by being a weak ass fuck who only can see to the tip of their dick or twat depending on the mate. 
No sticking around to be supportive to a person who doesn't deserve nor want your support. No using loneliness as a crutch to fuck yourself over and the other person as well. No allowing yourself to feel responsible for a grown ass persons stupid actions, particularly when if viewed from out of your own shoes you can see the manipulation in those actions. I did much of this myself and THIS is where it got me. 
We need to find a new way to be strong within ourselves. We need to realize that our value is at the very least on level with our mates. We need to realize that our childrens value is above all else. We need to STOP putting ourselves at the bottom and stop accepting others who require us to put them at the top. It is not your responsibility to be anything other than supportive WHERE SUPPORT IS DUE. You aren't doing anyone any favors by supporting an asshat who doesn't deserve you or your support. Go spread that energy to your kids, or any kid, or to someone who actually deserves it, or give it to yourself! There's a thought! Call your parents or siblings and give it to them. JUST SAY NO! When you find yourself giving to the asshat, walk away and call one of these people and give the energy to them instead. You'll feel a hell of a lot better afterwards. 
Look at me... preaching. Ha! I know it all is true but here I am wondering what I am going to do now that I have been in all these situations already and am now in the most terrifying place of my life. 
(New Post?)
My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why.  A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me. 
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable. 

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you  see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3

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